My Mind's Spy

“Stay right there, Lindsay,” she said, moving strands of my wild red hair from of my face.

“Yes, Mama.”

I reassured her with a smile when she glanced back at me from the hot dog line. She didn’t like being apart from me, even if I was only a few feet away. It’s been just the two of us, inseparable, for as long as I can remember. Mama’s friends or family never came to visit, and she said my father died when I was very little. I don’t know much about him - Mama always gets tears in her eyes when I talk about him - but apparently he wouldn’t let go of me the last time I saw him. I guess that’s why Mama doesn’t like letting go either.

This is the first time Mama has ever taken me to the carnival. Now that I’m here, I can see why my friends at school love it so much. The smell of deep fried foods, the bells and chimes of carnival games, and the twinkly lights made me feel like I was in a fairy land far away from here. Mama was slowly moving up the line, shuffling her feet and twirling her curly blonde hair between her fingers. I think she’s afraid of people; she gets very nervous in big crowds.

I was startled when I noticed the clowns in the booth next to me, their heads moving side to side, staring blankly at the crowds. People were shoving ping pong balls in their mouths as fast as they could to win an absurdly large plush unicorn or panda. It reminded me of toy frog I cherished as a child, but lost many years ago. Its legs were frayed from being dragged along the ground all day.

Across the walkway was another food stall. This one was bursting with every type of candy you could imagine. There were giant balls of cotton candy and every flavour of popcorn neatly displayed on a shelf behind the cashier. My mouth watered and I checked the hot dog line; Mama nearing the front. If I hurried, I could look at the candies and return to this spot before she noticed I was gone. Mama didn’t often say no to me, so I’m sure I could convince her to buy me something after dinner. 

Crossing the walkway proved harder than I first thought it would be. I jumped over puddles left from the afternoon’s rainstorm, and dodged strollers and young children who were not paying attention. I felt like a spy navigating a room full of lasers set to trigger an alarm if I dared touch them, and the candy stand was the treasure. My eyes narrowed on my target as I spun and pranced my way through the crowd, expertly dodging the invisible traps. That was too easy, I thought as the stall celebrated my arrival with some bouncy music.

I looked at the products on display, searching for the perfect dessert. My eyes finally settled on an enormous blue and yellow lollipop at the back of the stand. The colours mingled and swirled in a never-ending circle. The entire lollipop was larger than my head! Mama was at the front of the hot dog stand now, ordering one with extra ketchup just the way I like it. I begun planning how to ask Mama for the lollipop as I turned to head back to my place next to the clown booth.

But there was someone standing there, watching me. He was tall and lanky, wearing a blue and green striped polo shirt. He slowly rubbed his hands together as he eyed me from across the walkway. He must be the evil spy, I thought.

I dashed behind a nearby garbage can to plan my next move. I had to be careful not to be caught by the evil spy. Who knew what plans he had with me? The mud under my feet was slippery and the hem of my dress wicked up the muddy water. With any luck, Mama won’t notice that. My eyes frantically searched my surroundings for an escape plan. The lights atop the ferris wheel twinkled against the black backdrop of the starless sky. That’s it! I can lose him on the ferris wheel.

I scurried out from behind the garbage can and squeezed through the narrow alleyway leading to the next row of stalls. The carnival worker across from the alleyway was helping a young girl around my age select a rubber duck with a fishing pole. The bottom of the duck revealed NO PRIZE in bold letters. I made a note of the location on my spy map inside my brain so I could return with Mama later; I was sure the prize was hidden behind the duck with squinty eyes. But for now, my best chance of making it to the ferris wheel undetected was to blend in with the crowd. I slunk into the middle of the flow of traffic before I spun to check if the evil spy was behind me. He was easy to spot - his head bobbed over the top of the crowd. He quickly averted his eyes when I saw him, trying to hide that he’d been watching me. You’re going to have to do better than that!

I picked up the pace, skipping to dodge the booby traps laced throughout the carnival. I jumped over a large puddle that I was sure hid a deep hole beneath its surface. If the evil spy caught me, he probably would have left me there for years until I died of starvation.

I could practically feel the evil spy breathing on the back of my neck as I dove into a small building to the left. The dingy wooden cladding made the building look abandoned, but there were lights on inside and someone was just leaving with a giant ice cream cone. 

As I stepped inside, the noise from outside faded and I was left facing a cramped stage and several rows of plastic chairs. There was a man - no, a woman - on the stage balancing China plates on wobbly sticks. I slid into an empty seat in the middle of the crowd between two very large men. They each had their own buckets of buttery popcorn and I could barely hear the music over their chewing. The evil spy was sitting in the back row, watching me out of the corner of his eye, not daring to make a move in the crowd. 

My feet dangled from the chair as I settled to watch the woman spin the plates and balance on a unicycle that I hadn’t noticed before. The evil spy had me cornered here. I couldn’t see another exit, unless I risked a dash for backstage. If I got up to leave now, he could snatch me from his seat next to the door. My mind whirred as I tried to think of a new plan. Perhaps I could join the performer on stage for a better view or just run very fast past the man. It was too risky; I needed a distraction.

The performer was losing the audience. The crowd was getting restless, no longer impressed with her balancing act. A burly man in the front row finally cracked and yelled out, “Get a real job!”

The performer’s focus shattered along with her dozen China plates. Her face turned red as she scurried off-stage. I was embarrassed for her, but grateful for the distraction; it was exactly what I needed. If I was going to get out of this building alive, this was my chance. 

Down on all fours, I crawled under the seats amidst gasps from the audience. My knees were now as dirty as my dress. The evil man stood up to get a better view of the performer, taking his eyes off me. One final dash got me through the exit and I was among the noisy crowd outside once more. I melted against the shabby cladding of the wall to catch my breath.  

The audience slowly started leaving the theatre, clearly confused by what they had seen. The evil spy was surely right behind them. I had no idea where I was but the top of the ferris wheel was peaking out from behind the stalls to the left. My feet carried me as fast as they could toward the towering lights.

My mind was so focused on getting to the ferris wheel that I didn’t notice the elderly woman up ahead. I crashed into her at full speed, knocking her sideways.

“I’m so sorry,” I panted. 

She had that gentle aura about her like all grandmas do. Her cheeks were rosy and she smelled of dust bunnies. “Are you lost, dear?” she asked.

“No, I’m not lost,” I said, “I just need to get to the ferris wheel before the evil spy catches me.”

I don’t know why she chuckled at that. “Where is this evil spy, sweetheart?”

I pointed to the tall man in the striped polo shirt headed towards us. “He’s been following me all night.”

“Oh, I see…” Her voiced trailed off as she turned to tap her husband on the shoulder. 

The short stop had given the evil spy enough time to catch up; he was closing in. I broke away while the old woman’s back was turned, and raced towards the ferris wheel once again.

It wasn’t long before I found myself in a large clearing at the base of the ferris wheel. There were people milling about and a man at the ticket booth yelled, “Grab your tickets here! Three turns on the ferris wheel! Grab your tickets!” 

A line quickly snaked its way out from the small booth. I ducked through the legs of a tall man in corduroy pants before blending into the crowd once again. I spun around, searching for the evil spy’s tall figure or striped polo shirt. I stood as tall as I could on the tips of my toes to get a better view. My heart raced as fast as my eyes darted around the crowd. 

“Yes!” I shouted to no one in particular. He wasn’t anywhere to be found. I had finally lost him. A smile painted my face as I danced with triumph. 

But my celebrations were short-lived as panic quickly overtook. I had no idea where I was. No idea where Mama was. Not even my mental spy map was telling me which way to go!

“Mother?” I whispered. People seemed to move faster. I couldn’t keep track of the blur of faces. My palms were sweating. I sat in the mud, tears welling in my eyes. My dress was ruined.

“Lindsay!”

“Mama!”

Her curly blonde hair practically glowed in the shadows in the alleyway she stood in. She proudly held up two hot dogs, far too big for either of us to finish. She smiled with relief but her eyes wear red and puffy from crying. I was about to be in a lot of trouble.

I bent my head and shamefully made my way across the muddy clearing. I took no more than three steps when a hand reached out and grabbed my arm. Its grip was tight enough to stop me but soft enough to know it meant no harm.

I looked up at the strange man who had been following me all night. He had a familiar smell, like a mix of freshly cut grass and campfire smoke. 

“Emily?” said the evil spy.

My hand instinctively jerked away, my eyes fixated on his, and my feet cemented in place. 

“My name is L-Lindsay,” I stammered, trying to place this man who was now so familiar.

My eyes found Mama’s across the crowd. She gasped as she saw the man and dropped our hot dogs into the mud. She turned to run, disappearing into the thick black night beyond the carnival. Did she just leave?

“It’s okay, Em- Lindsay. I’m here. I’m your father,” said the man.

My knees buckled as he spoke. “Father? No. My father died many years ago,” I replied.

“Lindsay, you were taken from us when you were only three years old. Here,” he said, reaching for a faded leather wallet in his back pocket. He pulled out a small photo with jagged edges and crease marks from the many hands it had passed between. It was a photo of a family. The man had his arms around his wife, and a young child sat on his shoulders. A child no more than three years old. A child with my freckles on her nose. A child with my crazy red hair. A child holding my favourite toy frog that I thought I had lost many years ago.