A Royal Pain In The Grass

April 1st

Alone in the wide expanse of green, Arabella, stood with the building’s majestic facade behind her. She was careful to adhere to the 2024 selfie guidelines from Glam! Magazine: hold the camera at a distance, angle it slightly downward, reveal a hint of teeth, but not too much. An intelligent woman shouldn't smile as if she's in a children’s birthday photo. And, never let the worry on the inside show to her 340K followers. 

She felt a wave of intense anxiety. There were a million possibilities that could go wrong. Her hair might look frizzy, her smile forced, her outfit might have gone out of style. With each passing second, her confidence waned. She snapped the picture anyway, hoping that maybe, just maybe, this time she would be pleased with the result.

Her finger tapped on the thumbnail. Perfect. Except, a faint red blemish showed itself on her cheek. No, it wasn’t faint. It was glaringly red. She opened a bottle of foundation, La Prairie, the one that works, to cover it. Just at that moment, a drop of rain stung her face, and then another and another. She hurried back to the protection of Ivy Cottage. 

The rain’s relentless patter persisted for hours. Having no opportunity to retake the photo, she used an AI feature on her mobile to erase the blemish, then sent out the post.

April 2nd

The next morning, Arabella’s publicist rang. Emma, the one whose mind was always running at full throttle and liked to put words into her mouth.

“I think we need to issue a statement,” Emma said, without explaining why.

“A statement, about what?”

“I’m sending you the headline now.” 

A notification appeared on Arabella’s mobile.

The Daily Royal

“Photo expert claims Princess Arabella green screened her photo for King Charles birthday.”

The Daily Royal displayed the photo she took in the garden yesterday, and scanning the article, she read in scientific detail how her face didn’t match the green lawn of Ivy Cottage. How it didn’t reflect the background palette of natural colors.

Later that morning, a journalist from The London Chronicle, the friendliest outlet to the royal family, arrived. The journalist had been given explicit instructions not to photograph Arabella.

After they exchanged greetings, Arabella explained, “I simply used an AI filter to erase this blemish.” She pointed at the faint red blotch on her cheek.

“Ah, I see.” He nodded sympathetically. “Understandable!” He asked a lot of easy questions about how her children were doing and her reactions to the king's birthday, and then he departed.

Arabella posted on social media to calm down the fuss about the photo.

@PrincessArabella: Hi everyone, the photo of mine yesterday wasn’t green screened, merely touched up a bit.  

Seconds later, the Instagram account she could not get shutdown, posted: 

@PrincessArabella_Parody: Who needs makeup when a girl has Photoshop!

Later that evening, her friend at The Chronicle, published his article:

The London Chronicle

“Our journalist reveals Arabella’s photo was doctored to hide an abnormal skin condition.”

Arabella’s husband assured her the controversy was over. No one was going to question a woman touching up a blemish in a photo. She went to sleep content with the fact that she would soon return to a quiet life of celebrity balls and charity events.

April 3rd

The Daily Royal

“Following yesterday’s photo doctoring bombshell news from Arabella, and lack of other recent photos, medical experts suspect the princess may be suffering from melanoma. The pale complexion of the family, and the time they need to spend outdoors in Commonwealth countries, put them under great risk of the notoriously dangerous medical condition.”

Reading this at 6am, Arabella called her publicist, rousing her from bed. It wasn’t often that Arabella was the one raising a call to action. After explaining the contents of the article, she asked, “Emma, what should I do about this awful development?”

“Easy-peasy. Your doctor should make a statement.”

“Doctor Forrest?”

“I know when dealing with the media he can be a few spanners short, so I’ll tell him to keep it purely factual.”

@Princess Arabella:  Hi Everyone! I’m fine, nothing is wrong with me.

@Princess Arabella Parody: Hi Everyone! I’m as fine as the weather at a British picnic. 

The London Chronicle

“Sir Douglas Forrest, Royal Physician, makes a statement about Arabella’s skin condition, confirming she does not have melanoma. The doctor says the princess is young, healthy, and until yesterday, hasn’t visited him for 13 months.”

April 4th

The Daily Royal

“The royal doctor revealed that Arabella has avoided checkups for over a year. Domestic abuse experts say avoiding medical treatment is worryingly common in cases of domestic abuse.”

Arabella's confronted her husband with the article, “Do you beat me, darling?”

“I only beat your eggs for breakfast.” He hugged her and reassured everything would be ok, and that he would help in any way necessary.

@Princess Arabella:  My husband is an outstanding gentleman.

@Princess Arabella Parody: My husband is an outstanding gentleman who trains me in the same way he does the royal corgis.

It was all happening again, one after the other. Arabella asked Emma to immediately set up a media interview for her husband, to nip this allegation in the bud.

The London Chronicle

“Prince Sean gives a candid interview on his loving relationship with his wife Arabella. Our independent investigation of the 13 women who previously had relationships with the prince revealed no signs of abuse or emotional troubles.” 

The next few days were blissfully quiet. It takes time for news to cross the Atlantic. 

April 7th

The Daily Royal

“A photo of Arabella partying in Mexico with Bill Gates has appeared in American media. The photo has been geolocated to Flores del Sol, the location of the notorious stem cell laboratory of Doctor Gustav Spellman. It is now suspected that Arabella may be suffering side effects of clonal treatment, or even from the injection of alien DNA from a meteor fragment obtained by Doctor Spellman.“

Arabella looked at her mobile, there were 17 unread messages from her publicist, Emma. She switched to airplane mode. She needed to think about this, and lately Emma’s advice has not been helping.

Since no one alive has helped her recently, she decided to contact someone who wasn't. She prayed to the late Queen Elizabeth. In her mind, the late queen spoke to her. “Don’t be throwing your toys out of the pram every time your photo is in the papers.” This vision of Elizabeth explained another approach.

Arabella contacted The Daily Royal, and offered to give the first live on-camera interview.

Soon, a sweaty journalist with ill-fitting clothes arrived, set up his cameras and sat across from her.

“American media claims you are a clone,” he said, smiling ironically, ”,or an alien.”

“No comment,” she said, then giggled mischievously.

The next week, even @Princess Arabella Parody didn’t have anything bad to say.