Toby

There is something truly fascinating about watching the one you love just … living. We get so caught up in our own lives and minds, trying to scramble through a day, that sometimes we forget to look up. To really see the being before us.

Today, like everyday before for the last month, I looked up. I saw this being I opened my heart to and let into my life. Saw every little thing that made them who they are. At first, it was hard. When you spend so much time looking down, you forget the simple act of looking back up. You forget what life outside the bubble of your own documentary looks like.

But once you commit to something and take that first step, the days following become simpler. The muscles used to raise your head remember how to function again. The armor you created to handle the daily grind starts to slide off your body. And then, you are left bare and vulnerable, ready to connect with another. Ready to truly see them and have them truly see you. Ready to understand and to be understood.

It is scary. Like staring into the unknown, never knowing what will emerge from within. You pray for acceptance, but more often than not you are met with rejection. It makes that clunky armor look inviting again. Makes looking down seem like the best thing in the world. Makes you want to run back into the crowded fast lane of life and blend in with the rest of the flock.

We have all experienced rejection. Some say it gets easier to handle but those people could not be more wrong. You can get numb to the pain, but it still exists. It still sits like a weight on your heart. There is nothing worse than living with that numb pain that little by little smothers your spirit. You cannot stop it because you cannot feel it. So sooner or later, it swallows you up and leaves nothing but a shell of your former self in its wake.

But then, the moment when you get that acceptance, the one you have prayed for all your life, every single rejection just blows away in the breeze as if they never happened. That weight lifts and you feel like you could float above the crowd, shout your joy from the rooftops. And you stand before this being, who has also borne their vulnerable sides to you, and for the first time, ‘you’ becomes ‘we’.

Suddenly the narrow tunnel of a world you had fashioned for yourself, expands to a wide-open field of spring flowers and sunny days. And for the first time in a while, you stop and take a breath, wishing this excitement could last forever. But somewhere along the way, we forget that feeling. And even though our world has expanded, we get stuck in that tunnel again.

Some never realize this and end up losing the things they cherished most in the process. But there are others, like myself, that break this habit before it is too late. All we do is stop and look up. We observe instead of act. We listen instead of talk. We understand instead of dismissing. Through these things that were once so simple but now seemingly unattainable for some, we can truly stand on equal footing with the ones we care about.

So, I did. I watched and I listened, and I started to understand more about this being than I ever would through a typical encounter. The way their eyes light up with they are passionate or excited. The slight scrunch of their nose and twitch of their upper lip when they are irritated. The way they furrow their brows into a ‘v’ and get that far off look when they are pondering something. The delighted noises and little dance they do when they have something delicious to eat. The way they bury their face into something when they are embarrassed or scared. The way they curl into a ball and burrow into a warm blanket when they are cold or insecure. The way they retreat under the bed when they are upset. And the way they express themselves with their entire being when they are happy.

Did you notice something? I’m not talking about a person. People don’t always need another person to feel complete. Animals can be just as loving and accepting, sometimes more so. When you spend so much time being another face in a sea of billions, going home to a dog who looks at you like you are the center of their universe is everything. It fills a place inside you that you never knew existed. And you could say, ‘of course they don’t reject you, you bought them and gave them a home and food’. But just because a dog tolerates you for these reasons doesn’t mean they’ve accepted you. When you experience that moment, you’ll realize the difference.

When they run specifically to you instead of everyone else. When they let you see them vulnerable because they trust you. When they’d rather cuddle with you then sleep alone. When they defend you or stick close when you are sick. When they follow you and heed your words. When they nuzzle and lick the tears away when you are upset. That is when you know the dog accepts and loves you.

You have to observe how a dog behaves to understand how it feels. Each action happens in a split second and if you look away, you can miss it entirely. So, I looked. I took it all in. I engraved each new discovery into my memory so when I felt the pull of the fast lane again, I would not forget the little things. I’d wrap them around me like a warm coat, tossing away the cold steel armor I had created before. Because in truth, the armor did nothing to protect me. It became a ball and chain, a cage that I locked myself into because I did not want to open myself to anyone. Did not want to let anyone see me, for fear that they would inevitably hurt me.

But now, I do not fear the bustling crowds. I do not fear the cold splash of adulthood. I do not fear the unknown. Because when things get hard, I pull my coat tighter around myself, letting the warmth engulf me and I can do nothing but smile. And when I walk through my door, I am met with so much love and affection it banishes any negative feelings I was harboring. Because it is no longer just me against the world. Now it is ‘we’.

My dog Toby and me.