The Real Fairy Tale Hero

“Once upon a time …..”

           Woah, woah, woah!!!! Are you seriously going to start our interview with the very phrase that haunts my dreams??? How incredibly insensitive of you! Wow, just wow! Have we not learned anything from the side character uprising of 2010??? Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, my story.

Hello, my name is Dendrick, your purveyor of the gossip of all things fairy tale from the Enchanted Forest. I’m sorry, what was that you said? You have never heard of me? Typical of you non-FTCs (Fairy Tale Character). It is always all about the prince and princess, the evil witch, and the loveable and affable sidekick/pet. Well, the real hero is me! If it wasn’t for my presence none of these stories would ever progress.

OK, where was I? Oh, right, I was introducing myself. Since you clearly need to be educated, I will school you. I am the unassuming, moss-covered tree stump in the Enchanted Forest. I sometimes possess a magical knot that when the main character pushes it, I reveal a portal to another enchanted landscape. I also am frequently featured as the camouflage to a burrow where the guiding character lives. And sometimes, I am the stump that the princess sits upon to collect her thoughts before setting off on her quest. While that might seem unimportant, do you really think these princesses come up with songs and muster their gumption while actively moving? Of course not! She needs to contemplate, mull things over, and gather her courage. All of your favorite fairy tale stories would end right after “once upon a time” if it wasn’t for what I provide.

Do I ever get credit though? No. I am always there, dutifully serving as the steadfast forest object but never recognized. Do you know how demeaning that is for me? Every, singular character uses me and yet I’m just background to them. I never receive an invite to celebratory gatherings. And yes, I realize I can’t actually physically move, but you could accommodate me by holding the gathering around me to make sure I was included. Like Snow White for example, all of the forest critters scurry and scuttle to be by her side when they hear that stupid song of hers. Well, I hear it too Snow White, I hear it too! But do you ever gather around me so I can join in? NO! You prefer to taunt me with your mediocre singing. I guess you think I am not a sentient being. Well, I am, and I see what really went on with those dwarves. I distinctly recall those poor guys talking about how some chick just moved in and made herself at home. Fortunately for you, they are really nice and understanding. I told them they should just kick you out, but they took pity on you since you seemed so gullible and naïve. The truth though, is they thought you were so susceptible to being tricked that you would end up selling their home (or them) to the Evil Queen. To the dwarves it was a situation of keep your friends close and your simpleminded friend even closer.

We also need to discuss Snow White’s beauty routine. Actually, all of the OG princess squad. They always have perfect skin. How? How can you be out in the cold and not have chapped skin? How can you be poisoned by evil queens and stepmothers, but never age? If I was going to the hassle to poison someone because I am jealous of their beauty, I would make sure I stripped them of that and replaced it with reptilian skin covered in pustules. Let’s see if Prince Charming still wants to kiss that, ha! And don’t even get me started on Cinderella. You are literally covered in cinders and soot (not to mention you hang out with mice all day) and all you need to look beautiful is a bath? We all know that Fairy Godmother gave you more than just a pretty dress. Your skin has Fairy Godmother magic written all over it. I suppose that is better than what I have heard Snow White and Sleeping Beauty use. They use the harvested sap of the Enchanted Forest’s life force … the Tree of Life. That sap is not responsibly harvested either. It acts as the fountain of youth on their skin, but to the detriment of the entire forest! So glad the destruction of the Enchanted Forest is going to the noble cause of perfect skin for entitled princesses! I would hate to think it was destroyed for some unworthy, uppish, vainglorious woman!

Speaking of the Fairy Godmother and Cinderella’s story, do we not think it is weird that she gives her glass slippers and then the prince is so dense he can only recognize his true love based off a glass shoe? Either the Fairy Godmother just wanted to inflict a little pain on Cinderella, or she knew the prince was so stupid he would need an unusual object that was crafted to fit only one specific person. I keep trying to get the dirt on that story, but the Fairy Godmother has this Forest locked down. No one dares to cross her. Cowards.

What has me stumped … see what I did there? Stumped …I’m a tree stump. Hahaha I crack myself up! How am I not a sought-after comedian? Mysteries of the Enchanted Forest I suppose.  Anywho, what I don’t understand is why has no one realized how many secrets pass over me? All of these wannabe heroes seek out witches, wizards, sorcerers, and soothsayers for their answers. Why not ask me? I have heard whispered secrets intended for the trees and heavens. I have bear witnessed the hatching of plots to overthrow neighboring realms. I have been used as the stand upon which a brew or elixir was made that will be used to set in motion an irrevocable path of fate. And yet, no one ever sees me as a member of the group. No one sees me as an ally or a threat. I am always just disregarded, always just an unassuming moss-covered stump. Only one time did someone pay attention to me. That was when the Brothers Grimm overheard me talking to myself. They were fascinated by me and all of the stories I was bursting at my bark to share with someone. Being so appreciative of all the great stories I provided them; they told me I will forever be a character in their books. I would officially be “Dendrick, the Narrator”. I thought they wouldn’t follow through with their promise, but clearly the fact you are here now, interviewing me, must mean they did! But, if that was true, why didn’t you know who I was then? And why did you want to interview me?

Oh no! Your face right now … you … you weren’t intending on interviewing me, were you? You were just waiting and preparing for someone else, weren’t you?! Just go. I would run away, but obviously I can’t, so please, be kind and leave. The Forest is going to have a heyday with this one. Can a stump die from embarrassment? I can already hear the squirrels and birds laughing at me. Or……… this is my villain origin story. We shall see ……..