Frozen and Furry Foes

Frozen and Furry Foes

“Competition reveals character and tests mental fortitude.”

                                                                           -Oprah Winfrey

“Are the new poll results in, Billy?”

“Well… maybe, Santa. I’m not sure where they are. I’ll have to…uh…”

Billy the Elf was reluctant to report the results. It wouldn’t be the first time Santa shot the messenger.

“What’s that you’re holding behind your back?”

“Oh, silly me. They’re right here, Santa- the latest Gallop poll on Children’s Favorite Fantasy Characters Who Hand Out Free Stuff.”

“Well, let’s hear it.”

Billy felt the gloom and doom of reading his own obituary.

“Well, Santa, the Tooth Fairy is holding on to her solid 10%. It seems like that will never change. And then they still have this weird category- Halloween Characters Who Inspire Trick-or-Treat costumes, you know, where they combine Casper the Friendly Ghost, Wendy the Good Witch, Snow White, Rainbow Brite, and all those bad guys- vampires, werewolves, Frankenstein, and the like. I guess they figure they’re all tied into Halloween.”

“It’s nuts, but where did they come in at?”

“20%, sir.”

 “And… ?”

Billy squirmed and shuffled his feet.

“Well… then you and the Easter Bunny both came in at 35%.”

“What?! You’ve got to be freaking kidding me. That long-eared hoppity hack tied with me?!”

“I’m afraid so, Santa.”

The Easter Bunny had long been a thorn in Santa’s side. He had been gaining on the Jolly Old Elf’s lead for the past five years, and now Santa’s worst fears had been realized. Kids liked the Easter Bunny as much as they liked Santa. Being Number One on the charts is a big deal in the world of children’s fantasy characters. It just got a little colder at the North Pole.

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“Great news, Peter!”

“What is it, Thumper?”

 “You just caught the fat man from the north in the latest national polls!”

“I knew it was just a matter of time. A cute fuzzy little guy like me versus an old man who smells like a reindeer. I knew kids would like me more once they got to know me!”

“Well, it’s not quite more yet, Peter. It’s a dead heat.”

“But we’ve got the momentum. That counts in sports, politics, and in the world of children’s minds. Kids want to go with a winner, and they can see me on the rise. I’ll bet old Santa wet his baggy red pants when he saw that.”

Joy quickly spread throughout Easter Island with chants of “Peter! Peter!” filling the air.

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Gloom in Santa’s workshop. The elves felt for the old guy. They knew the growing popularity of the Easter Bunny was getting on Santa’s nerves. Santa was a prideful man, and the elves hated to see him hurting in his declining years. He had held the top spot for fifty years, and this had to hurt.

“I guess kids just don’t love me the way they used to. You’re young, Billy, and you may not remember this, but I used to cruise around 65% in the polls. The Tooth Fairy always got hers, but I never minded that. Mrs. Clause and I always liked her. And the Halloween Trick-or-Treat characters never bothered me. I mean their share is spread so thin among so many of them that it really doesn’t mean anything. But that arrogant, smug little rodent coming in tied with me? I’ll bet he’s smiling from big ear to big ear about this. I can’t stand it.”

“Santa, don’t get down on yourself. I’m sure the children still love you.”

“Right… but how else do explain my drop in the polls?”

“Well, I was talking to Ernie the other day. You know Enie. He’s in the Remote Control Cars Department.”

“Sure, I know Ernie. He’s a good man… puts out a good product.”

Well, he heard a rumor that the Easter Bunny has a PR department.”

“What?!”

“Yep. His rise in the polls could be all about publicity, you know, pushing a positive image on the kids. Look at all the bunny positivity out there. Walmarts are full of those cuddly little stuffed rabbits. And all those happy little bunny songs like ‘Here Comes Peter Cottontail’, the 'Bunny Hop’, and ‘My Bunny Lies Over the Ocean’… and Bugs Bunny… and even an appeal to grown men to get to the children, Playboy Bunnies. The guy’s a fraud. You’re still the man!”

The hint of a smile showed up on Santa’s face.

“Do you think that could be it?”

“Absolutely.”

“So what do we do, Billy? Can I have one of those PR Departments?”

“I’m on it, Santa.”

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“Thumper, tied isn’t good enough. I want to be Number One. I deserve to be Number One. I mean, look at me. I’m gorgeous and loveable. I shouldn’t be tied with some old has been. I want to leave him and his Depends in my dust. No mercy, Thumper! We’re going to put on an all-out blitz.”

“I like it, Peter. What do we do?”

“The old double-whammy, Thumper.”

“What’s that?”

“The old one-two.”

“Uh… what’s that?”

“The old two-step”

“Uh… Peter, I’m getting the picture there’s more than one thing involved here, but I’m not exactly sure what they are.”

“Ok, I’ll make it simple for you. It’s just like in politics, Thumper. We say nice things about me, and we make up a lot of bad stuff about him and spread the word.”

“I love it!”

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“First off, I think you need to get out in the public eye a little more. Out of sight is out of mind, and people tend to forget about you when you’re holed up here in the North Pole. We don’t have a heavy media presence here, Santa.”

“Hmm, I see what you mean, Billy. What do you recommend?”

“For starters, Santa, some highly visible appearances, like parades- The St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Chicago or a Fourth of July parade. Hell, you could do both of them. And sporting events- you could throw out the first pitch at a Yankees game or parachute onto the field at the Super Bowl. Oh, better than that, fly in with your sleigh and the reindeer! People would love it.”

“Sounds good. What else?”

“How about an in-depth article about you in People Magazine? Or a book? People would love to know more about you and the whole operation up here… you know, how you got started in this business, your hobbies, Mrs. Santa, and how you get so much productivity out of your workforce. Maybe a book of photos of you with smiling, happy kids. We’ve got millions of them. Or how about something on the funniest things kids asked you to bring them for Christmas?”

“You’re a one-man think tank, Billy! Let’s get started.”

“I’m on it.”

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Down south, Peter and Thumper had already embarked on a deceptive, insidious PR campaign the likes of which had never been seen before, not even in politics. Step one was propping up The Easter Bunny’s image with a barrage of photo ops.

-           Peter handing out warm hats to children outside of a school.

-           Peter delivering Meals on Wheels to old sick people in their

homes.

-           Peter helping blind people cross the street.

-           Peter donating blood at a Veterinarian blood bank.

-           Peter flipping pancakes at a church All-You-Can-Eat

pancake breakfast.

And on the flip side, the negative attacks, devastating, relentless, and effective. Peter’s friends at the National Enquirer pushed the narrative, and disturbing headlines appeared on newsstands across the country.

-           The Big Bad Wolf Is Santa’s House Pet.

-           The Three Little Pigs Are Missing As Santa Serves Up Pig Roast For The Elves!

-           Maleficent Is Santa’s Illegitimate Daughter!

-           Santa Beats His Reindeer!

-           Christmas Eve Is A Front For Extensive Burglary Ring!

 “You’re a genius, Peter.”

“I couldn’t agree more, Thumper. Heh, heh, heh.”

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“Dammit, Billy! Have you seen the latest headlines?!”

“Yes, Santa… very troubling.”

“That son-of-a…. sorry, Billy. I’m just so upset. What are we going to do about it?”

“I have an idea. Fight fire with fire.”

“What do you mean?”

“An eye for an eye, sir.”

“How’s that?”

“No more turning the other cheek, sir.”

“Jesus Christ, Billy, what are you talking about?! Spit it out, man!”

“Well, Santa, what’s the biggest event of the year for the Easter Bunny?”

“Uh… I think that would be Easter, Billy.”

“Check that. I mean the second biggest event of the year.”

“You tell me.”

“The White House Easter Egg Roll, Santa.”

“Yes, that’s a big event, but how does that help me?”

“Everyone is there, the President, the First Lady, the print media, all the networks… and the Easter Bunny himself.”

“And?”

“We sabotage the event. Humiliate him in front of the world, make him out to be the phony doofis he is. Ridicule is a powerful weapon, Santa. He’ll drop faster in the polls than you sliding down a chimney.”

“Brilliant!”

“And here’s the best part. You will be there! Santa to the rescue! After his big event is ruined, you swoop in and hand out toys to the children. Can you imagine the publicity? Santa at an Easter event?!”

“You’re a genius, Billy.”

“I couldn’t agree more, Santa.”

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“I should get the day after Easter off, Thumper. Who the hell came up with this stupid White House Egg Roll crap? Hopping around all night delivering baskets for Easter is bad enough, but at least I don’t have to deal with a bunch of snot-nosed kids.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty annoying.”

“Do you have everything packed for our trip?”

“Yep”

“Thousands of those little plastic eggs?”

“Yep.”

“Filled just halfway to save money?”

“Yep.”

“Stuffed bunny rabbits for the raffle?”

“Yep.”

“Those extra-large earplugs so I don’t have to listen to the little brats?”

“Yep.”

“Carrots?”

“Yep.”

“Let’s go.”

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“Is everything packed for our trip, Billy?”

“Yep.”

“Thousands of those fake substitute plastic eggs for the children?”

“Yep.”

“Some empty, some filled with bunny poop, and some with a cigarette and lighter inside.?”

“Yep.”

“The electronic stuffed bunny rabbits that bite?”

“Yep.”

“Reindeer food?”

“Yep.”

“My mustache cup?”

“Yep.”

“Reindeer rested and sleigh full of toys?”

“Yep.”

“You’re a good man, Billy.”

“Yep.”

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Thousands of children and their parents attend the annual White House Easter Egg Roll event each year. The Guest of Honor is, of course, the Easter Bunny. This year’s event was graced by the presence of another special visitor- Santa.

“What the hell are you doing here, Fatso?”

“It’s a public event, Big Ears. Why don’t you go did a hole someplace and bury your head in it?”

“Oh, yeah? Well, why don’t you just go… go back to the North Pole or something?”

(Carrots may enhance eyesight, but they do nothing for the artistry of quick wit.)

“Thumper, what’s he up to? I don’t like it.”

“I don’t know, Boss. I don’t like it either.”

“And he brought his little toady, Billy the Elf with him.”

“Do you think he brought me a present even though it’s not Christmas?”

“A present?! What is wrong with you, Thumper? Why would he bring you a present?”

‘Well, he is Santa.”

“Oh, my God.”

It was a “man bites dog” moment for the press. Santa at an Easter event was unheard of, and he quickly gathered a lot of attention. As the polls might have suggested, the allegiance of the children was nearly evenly split. Perhaps because of the curiosity of his attending an event out of his lane, Santa might have had a slight advantage in terms of sheer numbers.

“Look at all these kids, Billy. This was a great idea.”

“And the best part…”

“What’s that?”

“Check out the look on sour puss Peter’s face.”

“I love it.”

Thumper wasn’t loving it.

 “This isn’t good, Peter, Santa getting all this attention at an Easter event. This is bad, Boss, really bad.” 

Peter was thinking… to the best of his ability.

“We’ve got to change the storyline here, Thumper. Watch this.”

Peter hopped up onto a bench and started flailing his arms.

“Hey, everyone! Santa didn’t get an invitation, and he’s here anyway! He’s a party crasher!”

Only a few heads turned toward Peter.

“Hey, everyone! Did you see the movie “Bad Santa’? That’s what Santa is really like!”

Fewer heads turned in his direction. In desperation, Peter went to a tried and true insult.

“Santa’s mother wears combat boots!”

Nothing.

“Thumper, what do I do?”

“Free stuff, Peter. Free stuff always gets their attention.”

“Hey, everyone! Free treats and prizes!”

The entire crowd quickly moved over to the Easter Bunny’s side. Santa looked worried.

“He’s winning them over, Billy.”

“Don’t sweat it, Santa. It’s all going according to plan. Wait until the kids see the nice treats he has for them…heh, heh, heh.” aa

A strong contingent of Santa’s elves had arrived earlier that morning. They escaped detection by the Secret Service because elves are sneaky and really hard to see. In fact, there has never been a credible report of an elf sighting. The elves, long known for their efficiency in the workplace, cleverly and quickly replaced the Easter Bunny’s treats and prizes with Santa’s fakes. Santa and Billy were downright giddy as the children lined up for the Easter Egg hunt.

The Easter Bunny, without his starter’s pistol due to last year’s unfortunate incident, stood in front of the children with his prepared instructions.

“Children! Go find those eggs!”

Kids were off and running and zig-zagging everywhere. Most stockpiled their discovered treasures as their search continued, but those who couldn’t wait to see their loot were in for an early surprise.

“Mom! This egg is full of poop! I think it’s bunny poop!”

“What?!”

“Dad! My egg is empty!”

“Mom! I got a cigarette! How cool is that? Can I smoke it?”

“No!!”

Puzzlement from the children, shock and dismay from the parents. Peter and Thumper were confused. Santa and Billy were ecstatic.

“Thumper! What the hell happened here?! Poop and cigarettes? Oh, my God”

In the meantime, lucky raffle winners were getting bitten by their stuffed bunny rabbits.

“Mom! This damn thing just bit me!”

“Don’t swear, honey!”

It was mayhem. Angry children smashed their plastic eggs and stuffed bunnies into the ground as their parents demanded answers. The media flocked to Peter.

“Mr. Easter Bunny, why would you give a kid poop?”

“Don’t you think these children are a little young to smoke?”

“Who gives children toys that bite? Are you some kind of a sicko?”

As Peter could feel his poll numbers crashing, Thumper noticed Santa and Billy the Elf leaping in the air and exchanging high-fives.

“Peter, I think I might know why this is happening.”

Thumper pointed to the two revelers.

“I’m guessing Santa might have something to do with this.”

Peter’s eyes flared.

“Santa, you son-of-a-bitch!”

“Daddy! The Easter Bunny said a swear word!”

Peter’s poll numbers just bottomed out.

Santa delivered the coup de grâce by signaling his reindeer who flew in with a sleigh full of goodies for the children.

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Back at the North Pole, Santa eagerly awaited the results of the latest polls.

“Any word on the new polls, Billy?”

“They just came in, Santa.”

“And…?”

“Well, there’s some good news and some not-so-good news. The Easter Bunny sunk like a rock. You’re beating him by ten.”

“Great! And the not-so-good news?”

“Well, the Secret Service investigated the whole substitute treats and prizes things. I guess they’re touchy about that sort of thing at the White House.”

“And…?”

“Well, they questioned all the elves, and Ernie sang like a bird.”

“That son-of-a… Sorry, go on.”

“The fact you were responsible for the whole thing is all over the news. They’re calling you the ‘Fat Fibber’. The New York Times says your beard is probably fake too.”

“Oh, no. But I did beat that smelly rabbit so I’m Number One in the polls, right?”

  “Not so fast. With all the problems you and the Easter Bunny had, the Tooth Fairy got a bump. She’s Number One.”

“Damn.”