The Curse of Knowing

It had been 2,557 days since the last time I lit up a cigarette. It was the same day I gave up drinking. The day the man I loved proposed. The day I finally confessed to him my secret.

Now, seven years later, I stood outside the chapel, taking a break from the chaos of being the Maid of Honor. The crisp mountain air of winter in Colorado burned my lungs. I let the smoke release through my nose in one long, slow exhale.

"Well, isn't this an interesting sight," My brother-in-law Dave appeared next to me as I leaned on the railing. "Haven't seen you smoking in forever. What's the special occasion?"

"I'm giving a speech in a couple of hours. I need to convince everyone my best friend is making the right choice by marrying a goofball like you."

"There's still time to run away together."

I laughed. "You had your chance, buddy."

"So how's the bride to be? Have you seen what's under that dress? Is it something sexy and silky? Or is she going au natural?" He bounced his eyebrows up and down.

"If you must know she's wearing blue granny panties borrowed from your Nana. So act surprised when you get to the hotel."

"Kinky."

Our laughter trailed off into awkward silence.

"Actually, last I saw her, she was crying a bit."

"What?! Why? Is everything ok?"

"You know Dave; every girl wishes their dad was there to walk them down the aisle. I mean, I'm glad Brandon is taking on the job. He's been like a brother to Jessie ever since her dad's accident. But it's not the same. Don't worry, though. Sometimes a good cry is all you need. She'll be ok."

I took another puff. Dave asked for the cigarette. The smoke lingered in the air, swirling with the silence between us.

"Speaking of your worse half, where is Brandon? I haven't seen my brother since the bachelor party last night."

"I don't know. He didn't come home, and he's been acting weird all week. Do I even want to know what you guys were doing? You didn't lose him, did you?"

"We both know you could find out if you wanted," Dave said with a devilish smile.

"I don't do that anymore. I should have never told you to begin with."

"I know, I know. I'm kidding. But it would come in handy right about now."

Some guests were arriving at the wedding, and I was quick to stomp out the rest of the cigarette.

"Reading people's thoughts and knowing their secrets is not as fun as you might think. Plus, it only works when I'm drunk. And I am not getting drunk at your wedding."

"I absolve you of any indiscretions you may partake in while drunk at my wedding." He waved his hand in front of me, making a cross.

"Ha, ha, ha. Look, after I told Brandon I promised I would never do it again."

"Well, I'm sure he would understand if it was a wedding gift for his little brother," he said with more seriousness.

I turned to face Dave. There was worry in his eyes.

"What's going on, Dave?" I placed my hand on his arm.

"I don't know. I think Jessie is having second thoughts. She's been distracted and secretive lately. I have this gut feeling that there's someone else."

He was holding back tears.

"I need to know that she actually wants to get married. Preferably to me."

"Wait? Are you serious? Haven't you talked to her about this?"

"You know how she can be. She gets super defensive, and then we end up fighting for days. I don't want that on our wedding day, but I can't shake this feeling that something's up. I tried telling Brandon, but he said not to worry. He thinks she's having the wedding day jitters."

"It's not uncommon, Dave. I climbed down a drainpipe at my wedding. If you hadn't caught me and pushed me back in the window, I'm not sure I would have gone through with it."

"I remember. You know you've lost weight since then."

I smacked him in the arm.

"Look, I need you to help me back through the window. I need to know what I'm getting into. Please, just this one time. I've never asked anything of you," He got down on one knee and begged as Brandon came up the path toward the chapel. "Help me, Dana Wan-Kenobi, you're my only hope!"

"You know you should finish marrying the first one before you propose to the next one," my husband joked. "Is polygamy even legal in Colorado?

"We'll move to Utah," Dave said with a wink. He got up and brushed himself off. "I'm going to finish getting ready now that my Best Man is here. I'll see you inside, brother."

He kissed my cheek, then grabbed Brandon's face and planted a big wet one right on his lips. "Sorry, I need the practice for the altar." He clasped his hands together again as he walked backward into the chapel. "Dana, please consider my request."

I mouthed "No" back to him as I shook my head.

"What's that all about?" Brandon asked.

"Oh, he just wants to know what Jessie is wearing under her wedding dress. And where have you been? I thought you were with Dave all night, but he was looking for you too."

His cheeks flushed red, and he started to stammer. "Yeah, uh, I needed to clear my head. I took a drive up to Rocky Mountain Point."

"But the park isn't open at night."

"Yeah...right...I, um...fell asleep...in the car...outside the park. I went up there when it opened this morning."

He was getting a little flustered. Brandon's usually the guy with the coolest head in the room. But there was one time at a bar; a guy grabbed my ass, and Brandon broke his hand. He didn't even break a sweat.

Now beads of sweat were forming on his forehead.

"Where's the poop, Brandon. You're not being honest with me."

Where had he been? I hadn't thought much of it until Dave said he was missing. Was he hiding something?

"Everything is fine. Let's just go inside." He tried to get passed me. "We can talk about this later."

"Brandon! You've been acting weird all week. What's going…"

"There you are, Branny!" Brandon's mom said from the chapel doorway. I thought the air had gotten colder. "Oh, hi Dana. That dress looks better on you than I thought it would."

"Thanks, Sophie," I said through a forced smile.

"Ma!" Brandon protested.

"Branny bear, I need your help in the reception hall for a quick minute. It appears the ring bearer found the liquor. He's taken off his pants and is re-enacting Risky Business."

"That stuff's supposed to be locked up! And how has he seen Risky Business? He's only 7!" Brandon gave me an apologetic look and followed his mother inside. "Alright, let's try to sober him up."

I did my best to melt his insides with my heat vision, but sadly that isn't my superpower. Instead, my blood began to boil. Something was not right. I could feel it. We promised to always be honest with each other. That was the deal. I don't read his mind, and he always tells the truth.

Well, I was not going to be the only one holding up my end of the bargain. I stormed inside the foyer and burst through the groomsman changing room. The crash of the door made Dave almost jump out of his tux.

"Holy crap, Dana! You almost gave me a heart attack! What's the matter? Why are you going all big bad wolf?"

"I need a drink."

A smile grew across Dave's face. "I may have procured something from the bar for just such an occasion. Bourbon?"

Thirty minutes and half a bottle later, the soft tingle of inebriation danced along my skin.

That dress looks pretty good on her. I wonder what SHE has on under there.

"You're kind of obsessed with women's underthings," I said.

"What? Wait. Are you reading my mind?" I only wore her panties once. They were so soft. Why do women get to wear all the pretty things?

"You wore Jessie's underwear? Does she know?"

"What? No!" What was I supposed to do? She dared me to try them on!

"Eww, David, I don't want to know about your sex life. I knew this was a mistake."

"Oh my gosh! You're doing it, Dana! What am I thinking of right now?"

"A purple chicken. A velociraptor, eating the chicken. You're hungry—chicken nuggets. Golden arches. Boobs. My boobs. Dave, cut it out!"

"Sorry that logo always reminds me of boobs, and you're right here."

"You're such a guy. This was a terrible idea. I need to get out of here." I slowly got up, trying to maintain my balance. "I'm going outside."

"But, Dana..." Are you going to talk to Jessie?

"I don't know!"

"I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to." I slammed the door as I walked out of the room.

There was only an hour before the ceremony, and the foyer was becoming crowded.

Where's the bathroom? I've been holding it up the entire mountain.

How long is this going to take? Are they going to have food? I forgot to tell them I'm gluten-free.

I hope there is an open bar. They seem like they can afford an open bar.

I wonder if any of the groomsmen are hot. I haven't gotten laid in weeks.

She shouldn't be wearing white. They've been living together for years.

If there's karaoke at the reception, I have the perfect song.

Dana looks upset. I hope she doesn't suspect anything.

I tried to search the crowd to see who might be thinking about me. Suddenly someone grabbed my arm and pulled me inside a closet. I couldn't see anything, but before I could open my mouth, two soft lips pressed into mine.

I love you. I've always loved you. From the first day we met, I knew. I tried to tell you so many times. I know we can't be together, but I needed to do something, to always be near you. I want to marry Dave, and I do love him, but not like I love you.

"Jessie?!"

She broke the kiss and ran out of the closet. The door swung open, and Brandon stood there looking bewildered.

"Why were you in the closet with Jessie?"

"She was confessing her sins." I pushed him out of my way. He grabbed my arm. "Let go, Brandon. It's none of your business, ok."

"Hey, what's going on? Wait? You smell like booze. Have you been drinking?" Anger melted into fear as he realized what that meant.

Can she read my mind right now? Does she already know? Quick think about something else—a purple chicken.

"What's it with you guys and purple chickens? Do I already know what?"

That is wasn't an accident.

"What accident?"

Jessie's father.

"What about Jessie's father?"

It was my fault. I killed him.

"You what..."

The fear in his eyes turned to horror as I backed away.

"Brandon. There's my best man." Dave hugged his brother from behind. "I've been looking all over for you."

I turned and pushed my way through the crowd, ignoring the roar of thoughts as I made my way outside. Maybe it was the bourbon, or perhaps it was the revelation that I married a murderer, but I felt sick.

I rushed over to the railing and vomited all over the bushes.

"You know you should learn to control yourself better."

I wiped my face as I looked up into the judgmental eyes of my mother-in-law. She flicked the ash off her cigarette before taking another drag.

"I can't handle this right now, Sophie. You can crush my spirit another time."

"Darling, I've been meaning to have a chat with you. You got a second?"

Not really. "Fine, Sophie. My day can't get much worse."

"We're a lot alike, you and me."

You're joking. "How do you figure?"

"We both know things. Things other people don't want us to know."

"Like what?"

"Like Dave still has the hots for you. Like Jessie is actually in love with you."

Like my husband is a killer.

"And yes, like my son murdered Jessie's father."

"Wait, you know?"

"About ten years ago, Brandon caught Jessie's dad in bed with another woman. The boy was furious and strangled the man to death before realizing what he had done. Jessie came home and found him trying to deal with the body."

"But why doesn't Jessie hate Brandon?"

"Because she doesn't remember. I wiped her memory and replaced it with a car accident. I helped Brandon stage the accident. Then I replaced the memories of anyone who had questions."

"How is that possible?"

"Honey, when you have the Knowing, you can do a lot more than hear people's thoughts. That is, once you learn how to control it."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you have been holding back your gift for far too long. You need to embrace it, learn to harness it. The alcohol only helps you let go of your inhibitions. But it's like opening a flood gate. Everything comes rushing in at once, and it feels like a raging waterfall inside your mind. I can show you how to cut through the noise and turn it into something useful."

"Like use it to cover up my husband's crimes? Why didn't you wipe his mind?"

"He needs to remember what he did. That's his curse to bear. He gets to relive it every day. Especially on days like today."

My head was spinning. I felt like my world was turning upside down. The thoughts of the people walking around the church filled my mind. It was like a New York traffic jam in my head, honking and yelling and cursing. Their voices were getting louder and louder. Those meaningless thoughts were building up, like a tea kettle ready to boil over. I covered my ears, crouched on the ground, and opened my mouth to scream...

"Dana."

I looked up and saw Brandon. His eyes were soft, and he stretched out his hand toward me. His face had the same expectant worry it did right after he popped the question.

You look so beautiful. As beautiful as the day I asked you to marry me.

"Jessie is looking for you. We need to get started."

I smiled back. "I'll be right there."

I started toward Brandon, but stopped and turned. I gave Sophie a questioning look.

I don't understand. Why did he come to you? Why ask for your help?

He didn't. I was already there.

A second passed before I realized the implications of her admission. Brandon hadn't only killed Jessie's dad. He robbed his mother of her lover. And she's forced him to live with that guilt ever since.

I nodded to her in understanding and left.

When I walked into the chapel foyer, Brandon was waiting for me. There was shame in his eyes. I didn't need to read his thoughts to know he was sorry.

"Dana, I..."

"No, let me go first. We agreed to trust each other no matter what. I know today I broke that trust. I see now that you were trying to protect me. You didn't want me to think ill of you. Maybe you were even worried I would not want to marry you. But I know the man I married. He is not perfect, but he is not a killer."

"But I..."

"What you did is not who you are. You are my husband, a good man. And you've lived with that guilt long enough."

I walked up to my husband, wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him passionately. As I held him there, I searched through his mind. I found ever trace of pain and guilt, of worry and regret, and removed the memory of that terrible night.

We broke our kiss, and you looked at me with wonder. "What...what did you just do?"

I smiled and touched the side of his face. "You don't want to know. Now go, there's a girl who needs to be walked down the aisle."

As he headed over to join the rest of the bridal party, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find Dave looking as if he was waiting for something.

"Soooo? Did you woo woo Jessie's mind?" He wiggled his fingers in front of me like he was casting a spell.

I chuckled and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You've got nothing to worry about, buddy. There is no other man for her than you. Now go get 'em, you purple chicken!"

The wedding was beautiful. The ring bearer barely made it down the aisle but fell asleep at the altar. Jessie was radiant, and Brandon walked her down the aisle with pride. When I took her bouquet, I leaned in and whispered a thanks for the kiss. She blushed.

At the reception, Uncle Bernie was singing Another One Bites The Dust when Sophie came over to our table.

"That was an impressive speech, Dana. I just love how you don't care what anyone thinks."

"Ma!" Brandon objected.

I smiled back at her.

Why should I care what people think when I can control their thoughts?

The smile left Sophie's face, and she walked away.

"What just happened?" Brandon asked.

"Nothing, Honey. Just a battle of the minds."

He looked confused but shrugged his shoulders. "Well, I'm going to take advantage of the open bar. You want something?"

I smiled to myself.

"No. I don't think I need it anymore."