Confidence

Confidence ~ 

By: Mahita Ghattu 

I’d always wished someone believed in me. It was always my friends or my family making fun of me. Sometimes I feel like I’m lonely. I just wish that someone would support me. 

“Sorry coming through,” A boy said, pushing me to the side. I got shoved into another person, and they got shoved, and then another, and another. This was the most crowded train in all of America. We all fell neatly like dominos. And this happened again and again till everyone was off the train. I walked out of the train sighing. My parents were sitting on a bench, smiling and talking to someone. 

“Oh, there Ava is,” I heard my mom say. I backed away. She ran over and pulled me to the bench. 

“Ava! Don’t be disrespectful. Anyways this is your cousin,” My mom said in front of him. I sighed. My.. cousin? For years, I have had SO many cousins come over, and they all bullied me when my mom wasn’t around. Or they were all nagging at me, and some were SO annoying I get frustrated even TALKING about them. 

“Hi. My name is Noah,” The boy said, adjusting his glasses and smiling.

“It’s nice to meet you, Ava,” Noah said holding his hand out. 

“Hi Noah,” I said, fake smiling. I shook his hand. 

“Noah will be living in our house for the next month,” My mom said innocently while smiling. I opened my mouth, then quickly shut it again. My mom rolled her eyes. 

“Noah’s parents just left. You have to be nice to Noah, okay Ava?” My mom asked like I was going to try hard to get him out. After my mom and dad make a decision, that’s it. I tried to change it once, but it came back to bite me. I learn from my mistakes. 

Noah stared at me, just looking at my blue eyes and brown hair. Like he was seeing if I was “worthy”. 

“Hey, Ava, Noah is nice. He reads a lot of books and gets good grades on everything. Unlike SOMEONE,” my mom said, looking at me. 

“Who?” Noah asked. My mom stopped for a moment. She wasn’t going to say me right? 

“A lot of people. Noah.” My mom said, nervously laughing. 

“Let’s get home. Ava. Ava,” My mom, Emma said. She shook me. I nodded my head. 

“Ava?” Noah said. 

“Yeah?” I responded. 

“Why are you always so sad? I want to cheer you up, but I don’t know-how. Plus, you never have a smile on your face. It’s just so rare, ” Noah said. 

“Nothing. You always get good grades. I don’t. You are always reading books. I’m not. Instead, I’m throwing rocks at my neighbor’s window and getting my mom in trouble.” I said. Noah gasped.

“You’re kidding,” Noah said. I shook my head right to left. 

“Well… I mean grades can get better. You still have time Ava. Comparing won’t do anything. It’ll just make you have less self-respect. And books, they’re boring. And well….”  Noah said. Then he got closer and whispered… 

“No one knows this, but I never read nonfiction books. They’re all just comics,” Noah said. I smiled. 

“I don’t know if I believe you,” I said. Then he responded 

“Well, you should,” He smiled.

“Noah, how are you so positive all the time?” I asked him. 

“I guess I’m just an optimist” He responded.

“But you’re not perfect. Yet you always act like everyone likes you or something.” I asked him. He sighed and put his hand on his head. 

“Ava, you might not understand this, but you need to have confidence!  It’s the key to everything. You just need to believe you can do it and have confidence. And no one’s perfect. Not even the know-it-all kid who gets straight A’s.” Noah said. 

“There might be,” I said. 

“No Ava. No one’s perfect. Everyone has a flaw and a strength. Maybe my flaw is, I’m not actually who I seem to be. I’m not as smart. I don’t read nonfiction. But my strength? I’m positive. I’m an optimist. Your flaw? You’re a pessimist. But you can change that. You just need to have self-confidence.” Noah said. I smiled. 

“I will,” I said. He smiled back at me. 

“Now go to sleep. It’s already late” Noah said looking at the clock which stated “2:00”. I had no one speak to me so positively. It was always “get better” or “you’re bad and horrible”. NO ONE ever told me “Have self-confidence” and it felt good. Maybe Noah was the cousin I was looking for and liked. It took years, but it was Noah. I closed my eyes and eased myself into sleep. Confidence. I thought to myself. 

The next thing I know, it’s time for spring break. I’m outside, and I don’t know what to do other than walking. Every step feels like I’m adding a ton on my back. But I keep walking. A step at a time. Anyways. I hear Noah catching up to me in quick steps. 

“Ava! You run so fast!” Noah said, panting. I laughed. 

“Noah I’ve been walking,” I said. 

“Then you walk super fast!” Noah said, starting to breathe. 

“You overreact, too much,” I said. 

“It’s a compliment Ava,” Noah said. I stopped and rolled my eyes. 

“I don’t need it. I’m not good at walking. I get tired every 30 minutes” I said, starting to walk again. 

“Ava you have to take compliments,” Noah said. “Advice for the future”

“Okay maybe not. We’re different people, I don’t need your advice.” I said to Noah. 

“Maybe you do. Just keep it in mind” Noah said, running ahead of me. He was never tired. He was just lying. Just to “compliment me”. I don’t understand him. And I probably never will. But I know, I don’t need compliments. Because I don’t have that many talents in the first place. 

Noah and I were camping in the woods. My mom went out to go find some twigs for the fire. I thought about what Noah said, and I felt like he was right. But...maybe he wasn’t. 

“Ava, you need confidence so you can get something you want and like. For whatever it is. You can’t just NOT have self-confidence.” Noah said. I rolled my eyes. I don’t have to listen to him. I lay down. Noah wasn’t supporting me, he was forcing me into something I didn’t want to do. My mom came back with the twigs. 

“Hey. What did you guys talk about” My mom said, dumping the twigs onto the fire. The fire got bigger. I felt sparks fall onto my hands. Then the fire got smaller and smaller. 

“Life,” I said before Noah could say anything. He gave me a stern look. I shook my head. 

“Oh nice,” My mom said, pulling out the bread. Then she took out the sticks and marshmallows. She put her hands on her hips and stood proudly. 

“When it gets later at night, We’re going to roast the marshmallows. I think it’s going to rain, so I have to find my backpack and find the waterproof match sticks and a few extra twigs for the night. Have we got blankets, Noah?” My mom asked. 

“Yes,” Noah said pulling them out and putting them back in. They were buff blankets. 

“Cool. We’re going to go HIKING tomorrow!! How excited are you guys!!” My mom said. 

“Very,” I said sarcastically. I wasn’t in the mood for this unnecessary stuff. I rolled my eyes.

“Great Ava,” my mom said. She wasn’t looking at me, so she probably didn’t notice. 

“Let me get a few more twigs,” my mom said, running off. When she left, I sighed and faced Noah. 

“Look Noah, you can’t make me do anything I don’t want to. I know you’re trying but I suggest you stop. Because I’m not going to budge. I don’t care about this Positivity and self-confidence thing. I don’t need it. And I probably won’t even think about it later! So stop trying to force me” I said, finally letting it out. Noah sighed. 

“I’m not forcing you! If you have confidence, your whole life will be better. You should know that! But you don’t seem to care. If you take ONE moment to realize how much confidence can help you with, you would know, you should have confidence. You have to believe that you can do it, and just like that, you have a higher chance. You’ll have so much of a better life then” Noah said. 

“I’m not listening to you,” I said, making a “hmph” at the end. 

I mean… yeah. Honestly, it’s true. Believing is right. But I’ll think about it later. I grabbed a marshmallow and gobbled it up. Then I turned away from Noah.

Endless moments of thinking. About if anything I did in my life was right. Was it all a mistake? Repeating the same words in my head. Is this right. Or is this wrong. Is this something that I shouldn’t worry about, or is this something I could look back to in the future and say “I wonder why I didn’t jump at the opportunity!” I never know! I just don’t KNOW. I’m not that person who knows whether what they do is right or wrong. I’ll NEVER know unless it makes an impact in my life. It makes me feel more frustrated than when a different cousin comes over. It makes me feel like I’ll never get the answer, and that it’s endless torture. The world will always be the same, It’ll always be hard. Sometimes I wish there were exceptions, but that wouldn’t be possible. Life is like a strict teacher. Till now, I’ve had everything bottled up, and for the first time, I feel like I should try to be confident! But what will it bring? More sadness? Just a moment of noticing that I shouldn’t have done it would take my whole spirit down. But… being confident is right. You have to believe. I just don’t know what to believe. Everyone had that one moment, where they know they did a mistake, but they think and still, believe they didn’t. But.. this time I feel both! I’ve never felt this twisted, confused, and mindless my whole life. I tell myself it is for a good cause, but what is it helping? All this thinking makes me tired day and night, and all I can think about is what am I DOING? This is all Noah’s fault. Is it right, or wrong?! But the truth is that I don’t know. Whether I was right. I know I have to believe other people more, but he’s also saying I have to believe in myself. I hate how I’m always twisted up. I never know what’s right, and what’s wrong. I go step by step, but I’m never able to figure out anything. I try and believe others, but their advice is usually a lie. It never helps. It always sinks me deeper into my hole. I’ll never be able to get out of my “hole” if I keep taking advice… but this. This seems so different. It’s like it’s true. And I want to believe it. But I don’t know if it’s right. I can’t take my mind off of it! All I can think about is “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!” and is it right or wrong? This is just like a complicated, horrible, tiring, annoying, frustrating, game of twister. 

I looked at the setting sun. We were up high on the mountain. And my mom was trying to take pictures of the sunset a few miles away from us, and it was just to brag to her annoying friend group. Noah walked over to me. 

“Are you sure… have you changed your mind? About any of it?” Noah said. 

“About what? All I know is, I have to be confident,” I said and smiled.