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Fantasy Funny

‘Do you want to be doing the same old thing day in day out?’ Jessica said.

               She sat across from Mark at a table in the Holo-arcade. It was the only thing that was real in this place, probably. He insisted places like this were for kids, but Jessica could never imagine something like this in her old land, she loved it.

The arcade floor was a bustling expanse of activity, divided into different sections, each dedicated to a specific genre. Hidden projectors cast shimmering beams of light that danced across the room. Stunning 3D images shattered then rematerialized mid-air, captivating the senses.

Patrons moved from one zone to another, their eyes wide with wonder as they interacted with the HoloForms. In one corner, a group of friends engaged in a fiercely competitive HoloDuel, their gestures and movements translated into dynamic battles that unfolded before them. Nearby, a young child giggled with delight as she reached out to catch a classic pixelated unicorn that pranced through the air.

‘It’s not really the same thing is it mate, one day could be a dungeon – the next it could be some Necromancer’s tower,’ Mark said.

‘The only difference there is elevation. If we pull this off we’ll have a cushy hustle going for the rest of our lives,’ Jessica said.

Mark’s eyes narrowed as he studied Jessica’s face, he still hadn’t forgiven her for her latest prank. Neck deep in an orc ambush the shifty wizard thought it’d be hilarious to pass him a healing potion that had about four tabs of LSD in it.. by the end of it there were 63 mutilated pink elephants, and the orcs wouldn’t stop singing tiptoe through the tulips no matter how many pieces he cut them in to.

‘Hmm, usually when ya say something that sounds amazing I end up in a tutu,’ Mark grumbled.

‘That was one time and you loved it,’ Jessica smirked.

‘You’re just jealous I have the calves to pull it off.’ Mark said.

‘Yeah yeah. Look, ever since our worlds smooshed together the rift creatures have been branching out,’ Jessica said.

‘Smooshed; Is that a fancy wizarding term? How do I know this isn’t normal behaviour for those rifties, they’re from your side of the breach,’ Mark said.

‘The Rift Ruptures fundamentally changed everything. Look at The Neon Harpy, it has a Dryad and a Gorgon working there. She’s a forest dweller and he’s a cave dweller – neither are known for their customer service. Now look at the pair, she animates wooden toys onto customer’s plates, and he blasts them into spaghetti,’ Jessica said.

The Neon Harpy was the hottest place in town. Mark had tried getting a booking there once, but he wasn’t going to wait two years for spaghetti no matter how it appeared on his plate. They were swimming in money though.

‘Are we going to rob that place?’ Mark said.

‘Better, we’re taking their money and removing them all together. We’ll need to bring someone in to pull this off though,’ Jessica said.

‘You’re not takin the piss are ya… this will work?’ Mark said.

‘Our intel on the subject is good, our rivals were trying to scalp her prior to the Rupture. Just don’t take any weapons, that includes combat sleeves, it’ll send the wrong message,’ Jessica said.

‘Righto,’ Mark said.

               Mark locked his Omni-riffle and deactivated his plasma grenades. He let out an undulating whistle and slapped his leg.

‘Here boy,’ Mark said.

Rex uncoiled himself and bounded over to the pair, his pixelated faceplate showed a bright yellow smiley-face. His chrome tail rocked from side to side as he loaded the ordinance into his carry-space.

Mark held out his palms ‘Date night’.

               His thick metal fingers elongated forming sharp points as dozens of other fingers unfurled themselves along the length of the arms. Two red circles appeared above and below his shoulders and the heavy black Ergonite arms popped free, crawling their way to Rex like giant metal centipedes.

A slender pair of flesh coloured arms scuttled from Rex, fixing themselves into Mark’s empty ports. The red circles flashed to blue then disappeared seamlessly. Rex sat back on his haunches and waved his forepaws playfully at Mark.

‘No golems either,’ Jessica sighed.

               A modulated growl rumbled from somewhere deep in Rex as the pixelated smiley-face morphed into an angry skull.

‘Ya know he hates being called that; I wouldn’t give him the shits if I were you,’ Mark said.

‘I’m not worried about something with an off switch,’ Jessica said.

Mark chuckled ‘You’ve got a lot to learn about AI. Anyway, what’s the plan?’ Mark said.

Jessica placed an ornate paper scroll on the table then fished a NanoLink from her bag. Mark looked over the scroll, but his eyes kept sliding across the eye-bending glyphs. A warning blinked through his HUD – Warning: InfoHazzard detected. Mark wrenched his head away before his eyes decompiled and pushed the scroll into his Stomach-Safe. 

She passed him the black cube ‘You’re meeting with Anabelle. Impress her, show the contract. Everything else you need is on this Link. If you run in to trouble say the indicated phrase and offer her something valuable.’

‘So, you won’t mind if I run this passed Everett - Make sure you’ve got this wizardy stuff down pat and there’s no dodgy stuff going on?’ Mark said.

‘Be my guest, he said he was assessing the magical properties of some mushrooms the locals recommended,’ Jessica grinned as she pointed to their companion.

Mark followed her gaze and saw the Mage was having an animated conversation with a golden tree.

‘Ah crap, Rex guard Everett. Restrain and resuscitate if things get wild. Taze this one if she tries anything,’ Mark said.

‘What? How’s that fair?!’ Jessica said.

‘Just use the off switch’ Mark winked.

***

               The subway tunnel stretched out before Mark, a dimly lit corridor disappearing into the distance. The ceramic-tiled walls stood tall and sturdy, their off-white surface interrupted by patches of graffiti. The intermittent lighting fixtures cast a soft glow, creating pools of illumination that seemed to dance along the tunnel's length.

Hollow roars and rumblings from deep in the tunnel network washed over Mark, punctuated by an incessant Click-Clack, Click-Clack from the other side of the walls. Mark’s HUD overlayed a neon red line on one of the tracks that stretched into the distance – Warning: Exposed High-Voltage.

This was his fourth left-turn which made no sense from a public transport perspective but given the reviews his feed showed he wasn’t going to rule it out just yet.

If this is another one of Jess’s pranks I’ll feed her some SynthSpider eggs, see how much she laughs when she shits spiders for a week.

The Link flashed a right-turn across his HUD, he pushed on for what seemed like hours before he came to a large juncture in the tracks. Several tunnel entrances yawned hungrily in the dim light. The walls were rougher here, climbing into a thick darkness that gave the overhead cabling the eerie sensation of weightlessness. Cool air buffeted Mark from different directions followed by the deep thundering of nearby carriages. The NanoLink vibrated softly in his fingers.

>>Activate.

The black cube folded apart, each square side housing inky nanotendrils that waved around small red globules. Jess’s tiny voice echoed from the Link, one instance playing over the other until six concussive flashes shattered the device.

‘Just what this maze needs.. more magic’ Mark muttered.

               He felt a heavy rumble approach and pressed himself into a maintenance alcove. Mark was sucked forward slightly as a wall of blurred light and steel crashed passed him. The train vanished as quickly as it appeared, zipping commuters to where-ever they needed to be.

Mark stepped out into the dim light again but stumbled back as a gigantic, scaled tail smashed itself across the entrance nearly decapitating him, it pulled back and stiffened like a spear.

Is that thing pink?!

 Mark ducked as ruined tiles rained down on him. He quickly rolled forward and levelled his arms slightly below the tail as the darkness swallowed it.

Shit, wrong sleeves.

A loud banging sound rang out from somewhere far down the tunnel. Every few seconds a burst of sparks splashed across the subway floor. He leapt into the middle of the juncture just as a car engine skipped down the tunnel like a stone on a pond, nearly liquifying him.

A resonant voice echoed from the yawning apertures.

‘You will fail hunter!’

‘I’m not hunting anything!’ Mark said.

‘Lies! You use the old-magic like the hunters of my homeland.’

‘I’m not from your land, I was pulled through the Rifts as well!’ Mark said.

‘Is that so?’ the voice purred from the middle tunnel.

               Mark turned and saw black smoke roiling out of the darkness, sliding up some unseen barrier that had formed across the archway. The thick smokey spirals twisted into armoured shapes that chased a giant winged reptile across a rocky crag.

               His HUD flashed a warning, but it was too late. The train erupted from the smoke, clipping his right side. He spun several times and fell to his knees. Mark looked over his wrecked shoulder as the silenced column of steel plunged out of sight.

               The giant tail whipped out of an adjacent tunnel and sent Mark sliding across the compact gravel.

Fuck this.

Jess’s phrase swept across his HUD. ‘Shal'karis Zarok'eth!’

               Silence filled the cavernous juncture before a sibilant giggle filled the void.

‘Oh, you’re definitely not a hunter.’

‘Fancy that..  I’m looking for Anabelle,’ Mark said.

‘You found her, what do you offer?’ Anabelle said.

               Mark pulled the paperwork from his battered mid-section ‘I’ve got a contract you’re going to be interested in, it’ll make us all rich.’

‘We’ll get to that one later, you claimed the rite of Shal’Karis, lets conclude that first.. unless you come as a pauper,’ she practically spat that last word.

Hmm Jess said something valuable.

Tallies blinked through his HUD, showing the same answer.

Mark sighed ‘Ahab’.

His right leg disconnected whilst he pressed the manual releases for his right arm. He doubted it’d receive voice or neural commands at this point. Mark held the pair over his head.

‘I'll give ya my arm and leg, mate. They're top-notch bionic gear, worth a fortune, mate! With 'em, ya could buy a couple of castles, or just flatten 'em if ya fancy,’ Mark said.

               The bright pink tale snaked out of the tunnel off to his right. It had shrunk significantly since it tried to impale him minutes ago. It wove its way up his leg and coiled around his waist before it lifted him off the ground, pulling him quickly toward the gaping black.

‘A unique and flattering offer. I accept your offer to mate.’

***

‘Mark? Mark! Thank The Grim you’re back. You’re toy keeps trying to zap me every time I go to leave, and I need to pee!’ Jessica shrieked.

‘Oi, Rex, take a breather... sorry about that, mate. Sometimes he goes all literal on me, doesn't he?’ Mark said.

Jessica leapt from her seat ‘Oh mercies you’re a lifesaver.. geez what happened to you?!’.

               Mark’s shirt was in tatters, deep gouges across his chest shaped a bloody landscape of pain. Vivid bites arced up his neck and over his cheeks. His eye twitched involuntarily as he pointed to the pink scaled lady standing beside him.

‘Jessica, meet Anabelle. She..’

‘Gimme a sec,’ Jessica said as she dashed behind an endless waterfall.

               Anabelle’s head whipped about as neon purple eagles rocketed from one ear to the other before plummeting to her feet. The tiny constructs melted into a puddle and reformed as a duck that sauntered off into the ether. A smile rippled across her face as quickly clapped her hands.

‘Magical,’ Anabelle whispered.

               Jessica joined the pair at their usual table and Mark pinged the galley. Seconds later a drone delivered a large basket of hot potato chips soaked with gravy.

>Intercept.

               Rex snagged the basket just as Jessica was about to grab a handful of deliciousness.

‘Hey, control your Golem!’ Jessica said.

‘I told ya not to give him the shits,’ Mark said.

               Rex’s smiley-face morphed into a pixelated storm cloud that proceeded to rain hands with the middle finger raised as he taunted Jessica with the basket. A chrome tentacle uncoiled from its underbelly and injected Mark with a TetraPack. Relief washed across Mark’s face as the wounds slowly closed.

‘Jessica, this is Anabelle. She’s taken our offer,’ Mark said.

               Anabelle's crown of elegant horns dipped slightly as she inclined her head. Her delicate scales shimmered with a vibrant pink hue that distorted the surrounding HoloForms to match her tone.

‘How did you hear about my.. change? I imagined once anyone found out I’d wind up mounted by hunters,’ Anabelle said.

‘You were a legend back home, I was naturally curious how the Rupture affected you,’ Jessica said.

‘So, Anabelle is going to help us take out The Harpy? Rain of fire and all that jazz?,’ Mark said.

Anabelle’s eyes narrowed and her lips curled revealing rows of ivory daggers.

Jessica chuckled ‘Wait, he doesn’t know.’

‘Know what?’ Mark said.

‘The rupture affected Anabelle too, she can’t blast fire anymore... what she can do is be an amazing Chef, that’s how we’re taking out The Harpy,’ Jessica said.

‘The rupture switched her fire for recipes?’ Mark said.

               Anabelle extended a clawed finger at a group of teenagers nestled in a command blister of a HoloTank on the other side of the room. Her jaws opened wide, and a thick column of hot brown liquid shot forth. The stream hit with precision, filling their empty HoloCups.

               Mark dipped his finger in some of the liquid that sprayed across the table. His HUD blinked the results. Analysis: Chocolate.

A broad smiled bloomed across Jessica’s face. ‘I’ve sourced a Ruptured elemental that will complement Anabelle. She’ll blast centre stage and it will make the chocolate move. Song and dance, grand battles where the customers eat what they slice away.. you name it!’.

‘Nice one… say, did you know Dragons could take human form?’ Mark said.

‘Haha no, I’d heard rumour though,’ Jessica said.

Mark held out his hand to Rex ‘Give it here fella, lets not cause another blue.’

               He grabbed the basket, pressing the empty capsules into his hand cavity and placed the delicacy on the table. Jessica grabbed a handful and chomped down. She closed her eyes savouring the taste.

               A DM flashed on Mark’s HUD – Rex:> ‘Spiders?’

                                                                       Mark:> ’Nah, scorpions.’

September 28, 2023 23:15

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4 comments

Eric Smith
16:46 Oct 06, 2023

Great story. Unique and innovative. I like the sense of urgency you instill in the tunnels. It was a joy to read.

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Gareth Walcroft
23:15 Oct 06, 2023

Thanks for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed it

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S H
00:30 Oct 04, 2023

Loved the mixture of tech and magic, the idea of the rupture mixing things up was brilliant.

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Gareth Walcroft
04:24 Oct 04, 2023

Thanks, hehe whats better than a chocolate shooting dragon? well maybe a beer dragon :)

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