New Life Anonymous

Welcome to New Life Anonymous. Here at New Life, we know the challenges you face daily: the desire to leave your old life behind, combined with the obligations bogging you down, preventing you from finally making that final move. Many of our members faced the same hurdles and tried the traditional so-called solutions: the self-help books, a revolving door of therapists, and often a new wife or husband in the hopes they might help unveil utopia. As the founder of New Life, I’m here to tell you, there is a true tried-and-true simpler approach that has already transformed thousands of lives and can finally help you! For only $599/month, you too can leave the old and ring in the new. Our package includes the following: 

1) 24/7 Personalized One-On-One Coaching: We’ll create a tailor-fit program to meet your needs, demands, and wishes for the new life you’ve always wanted to create. One New Life counselor is matched to each member so your coach is there for you 100% of the way. They’ll develop a map and criteria of your new life, a timeline for departure from your old life, and once the integration process is complete, will sleep, eat, and spend each day with you, never leaving you out of their sight. Finally, someone to help you stay truly accountable.  

2) New Life Elixir: A combination of anti-depressants, caffeine, psychedelics, and pure motivation, energy, clarity, and insight, our trademarked formula will give you a pep in your step and like the new year, the confidence to say bye to the old, in with the new. Recommended dosage is included with each supply, inclusive of incremental weekly increases until full transition to new life status is achieved, when maximum dosage is recommended to maintain your top form. Side effects include: disassociation from/amnesia of your old life, mania (the productive, joyous type), and elevated heart rate. 

3) Clone: Plus, as a limited-time offer, for only an additional $999.99 per month, you’ll receive our feature platinum offer: a clone. After years of research backed by scientists from across the universe, we’ve determined one of the most significant factors in preventing departures from old lives are simply other peoples’ demands. We understand the shock and disappointment those around you might face if you were to just disappear, so that’s why we’re offering you a clone of yourself to leave behind in your old world. Your husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, children, parents, pets, bosses, subordinates, and colleagues won’t notice your departure. While your clone is busy dealing with the shenanigans and hassles of home, work, school, or other environment you’ve just had enough of, you’re now located in [insert your ideal environment] with your personal coach and elixir, living life on YOUR own terms. That’s right, no more concessions, compromises, negotiations, active listening, or playing nice with others. It’s your world, your life; just no one else has to know. Don’t worry, we won’t tell, and neither will your clone. 

Equipped with the awareness that you’re ready to move onto utopia, you still might find yourself perplexed with what your future might look like. How can you manifest without clearly defining and imagining your heart’s desires coming to life? Perhaps you’ve tried vision boards, journaling, and meditation with little successful outcome. With New Life Anonymous, your personal coach, through assessments, observation, and pure emotional intelligence gets to know the real you, steering you to what you actually do want, before you even know what that is! That’s right, we’ll get to know you better than you know yourself. Sound scary? Well, we never said it’d be easy to let go of what wasn’t meant for you to welcome in your true worth and potential. We think you deserve it, though. Finally you can release control and let someone else take the reins, steering you to the true direction aligned with your inner you. Okay, maybe you’re sold but still want a better understanding of what precisely may change with our proven system. Let’s start with: 

1) Location, Location, Location: Though in vogue several years ago, if you’re stuck in a tiny house, never meant for your 6 foot frame, we’re here to move you to the right spacious accommodation for you. City life felt like the right move in your mid-20s but your nervous system can’t handle the congestion, traffic, and tiny house-like 500 square foot apartment now? Let’s get you to the spacious rural cabin mansion of your dreams.  Don’t let the confines of Earth limit your options, however. New Life’s premier space destinations offer you the chance to unwind on locales such as Saturn, Jupiter, or Mars. Didn’t think the human race has landed there yet? Well, it hasn’t, but we never said we at New Life Anonymous were human, did we? 

2) Family: Born into the wrong family? Not aligned in temperament? Your chosen one which brought you an annoying husband and three kids not vibing with you anymore? Let’s find you a replacement. Our family match app takes criteria important to you in parents, siblings, partner, and children to find you the perfect fit. Tired of being tied to anyone or anything at all? We’ll file you in our perpetual “bachelor/bachelorette with no intention to commit” category. Alternate options include finding you a wonderfully supportive convent to live out your nunnery dreams.

3) Career: This area is often one in which our members most desire transformation. Whether you want to follow your childhood dreams of becoming an astronaut, firefighter, or superhero, or discover new passions, we’ll get you fitted with the right job. Want a change after two months? The world (and space) is your oyster, so why stop at one path? Try them all! Here at New Life Anonymous, you can. If you’re done with work in general, sit back and relax, we got you. Early retirement anyone? 

4) Money: Ah, another factor limiting all you can be and do. With New Life Anonymous, financial constraints are an annoyance of the past. That’s right, outside of your membership fees, leave money woes behind in your old world. You won’t need them in the new, where we simply match you to your ideal environment, people, and life. As long as you’re a paying member, we keep you there. 

Hear what our happiest customers are saying. Susanna, originally from Seattle, writes, “I left my old life officially a year ago when my full transition was complete. I haven’t looked back and would do it again in a heartbeat. Due to privacy concerns (not wanting my old life to even start suspecting my disappearance), I won’t reveal any details on where I am or who I’m with now, but know I am living my fullest in a place meant for me and with people I love. The best part is the old life doesn’t know any better thanks to my clone!"

Carlos, originally from Madrid, writes, “I started off with the basic membership, just the one-on-one coach and elixir, and let me tell you, just those two changed my life. The elixir is especially potent. I knew I was ready to take the plunge to full transition mode, however, when I realized I couldn’t fully be in two places at once. The add-on clone feature enabled me to exit out of my old life officially, confidently, and with little guilt, as I knew my clone would take care of my partner and kids as adequately, if not better, than I ever could. I selected the nunnery option within the career category (can’t disclose where I landed on the other criteria) but with my personalized coach always at my side cheering me on, I’m exploring my next transition to becoming a Buddhist monk, on Saturn. Thank you New Life Anonymous for literally changing my life and fueling new passions.”

You, too, can join them on an adventure, or multiple adventures, of a lifetime, and achieve fulfillment in that which is truly meant for you. What are you waiting for? Out with the old, in with…

Cut, cut. George, let’s take it back to the top of the testimonials, “Carlos originally from Madrid writes…” Remember, channel evangelical preacher, QVC pyramid marketing scheme founder, but with extra pizzazz and a bit of alien mystery worthy of that golden night and sword we all love. I hope you’re ready to change lives, mostly our own, with this film. I’m due for an Oscar this year, and so are you.