And Still the Fire Burns

The lake reflected light better than anything else on campus. That was the conclusion Maisie came to as she watched the image of her dorm, eyes focused on the flames that could be seen from the kitchen windows. She wondered what it would feel like to touch the orange glow that rippled ever so slightly on the surface. To press her hands into the heat and not for one second feel the burn. Her palms itched with the need to press it against her already scarred fingertips.

“Nice morning, huh?” She turned and saw she wasn’t the only one who had taken an interest in the fire's reflection. “I’m Noah, the RA on the third floor.” He held out his hand to her, and she shook it cautiously.

“Maisie.” Her voice was soft. “Does this happen a lot?”

“What? Someone lighting the kitchen on fire while trying to make popcorn? Every single year.” He sighed. “I was hoping this year I wouldn’t have to RA in a freshman dorm where the alarms constantly go off, but I guess that privilege is reserved for seniors.”

“Do you like it at least?” Maisie asked. “Being an RA?” She watched him shrug, his eyes still glued to the reflection.

“It pays well, and I like that.” He told her, looking up and crossing his arms over his chest as the sirens from a fire truck added to the sound of the alarm. “Finally.” He mumbled. “I wonder what took them so long.” Maisie watched as the truck neared, and a few people jumped out. She watched them closely, looking at their thick coats and pants, boots built to stomp out the beautiful flame before her.

“Alright everyone, stand back please.” One of them called out, relocating the students from the side of the building, then waving through his colleagues who carried the hose. Heads turned to the spectacle but Maisie watched it all happen on the surface of the lake. She reached out, falling forward onto her knees, her fingers nearly touching the flames as they died out, pulling her hand back and focusing on the sound of Noah’s voice.

“Are you okay?” He asked her, offering her his hand.

“Fine.” She smiled at him, and let him help her to her feet.

After the fire was successfully put out and the students were allowed inside. Noah walked beside Maisie to the second floor where both she and the kitchen resided.

“Maybe I’ll see you around.” He smiled again. “I do a lot of homework in the common room.”

“Cool.” She watched him go before heading for the door that said Maisie and Justine in bright colored letters. As usual it was empty. Justine spent most of her time in one of the upperclassmen dorms where her boyfriend lived in a single. But Maisie wasn’t complaining. She only saw Justine when she came to change clothes or pack a bag for the week. She was the perfect roommate. Maisie crawled back into bed and checked her alarm to make sure it would still go off in an hour like it was supposed to, and fell back asleep without another thought.

A few days passed, and life in the dorm went back to normal. The smell of burnt popcorn slowly dissipated, and just like he had said, Noah studied in the common room. Maisie would walk through the first floor hall even when she didn’t need to, his bright red hair catching her attention as she took slow steps or filled her water bottle up at a painfully slow pace, just to give him a chance to look up and see her.

One day, Noah did look up, and he smiled at her from the table at the center of the room.

“Hi, Maisie!” He took his headphones off, and her feet pulled her into the room. “What are you up to?”

“Just got done with class.” She said. “Are you doing homework?”

“Trying.” He leaned back in his chair and stretched. “Want to join?”

“Sure.” Her bag dropped to the floor and she sat across from him, pulling out her Italian textbook and opening it. Maisie mouthed the verbs to herself, but became aware very quickly that Noah had not gone back to his laptop. She looked up nervously and he again smiled at her.

“You’re doing homework.” He sounded surprised.

“Yeah, I thought-” She felt her cheeks growing hot and her muscles tense, but he shook his head.

“I just can’t believe you can sit and just do homework.”

“Well yeah.” She shrugged. “Isn’t that what you do?”

“No.” He laughed. “I have to get into the right mood, and then I need to find the right music before I can even think about doing work”

“That’s not studying, that's stalling.” She pointed out, and smiled in spite of herself. “What are you avoiding anyway?”

“A lab report.” He told her. “I hate this class.”

“Do you have other homework you could work on?” She said, remembering a technique she had learned in high school. “To get your mind off it?”

“Not really.”

“Then quiz me.” She said, and handed over her book. “Ask me the English and I’ll answer in Italian.”

“Okay.” And he opened her book.

When Maisie made it back to her room she lay on her bed and smiled. Noah had quizzed her for about 20 minutes, his pronunciation making her laugh on a number of occasions, but that didn’t matter. She still went to sleep that night thinking of Noah, and his bright red hair that she hoped to see again soon.

She would get her wish four days later when the fire alarm went off at 2AM, jolting Maisie awake and causing her to almost fall out of bed. Without thinking or putting on a sweatshirt she ran out the door, not even bothering to look toward the kitchen as she raced for the stairs. At the side of the lake she looked at the dorm for the comforting glow of the fire, but didn’t see it anywhere. Her skin began to grow cold, and she wished that heat would radiate off water like it did from a flame.

“Maisie!” She heard her name and turned to see Noah walking over to her. She smiled and waved as he stopped at her side.

“Where’s the fire?” She asked. “I don’t see it anywhere.”

“Fire?” He looked puzzled. “Oh right, the alarm. No, that was just a prank, happens all the time in the freshman dorms.”

“Oh.” She felt the loss of the warmth deep in her soul, and crossed her arms over her chest.

“We’ll be able to go back in soon.” Noah told her. “Someone just has to turn the alarm off.”

“Okay.” She said, and shivered.

“I would give you my hoodie,” he began, “but I didn’t bother putting a shirt on under it.”

“Oh, that’s okay.” She shook her head. “I’m fine.”

“You look freezing.” He said, and moved closer to her. “And you’re shivering.” As he leaned closer the alarm stopped and Maisie turned to the building.

“I’ll be fine, we can go inside now.” She yawned into her hand. “I’m just exhausted.”

“Me too.” Noah said. “Want to study tomorrow? I’ll bring snacks.”

“Yeah, that would be fun.” She nodded as they walked up the stairs. “Want to meet at four in the common room?”

“That works for me.” And he continued on, leaving her smiling outside the second floor hall. Maisie slowly walked back toward her room, but her mind was no longer on Noah. For even under the lights of the hall, she could see a faint glow coming from the kitchen. Blue, and unwavering as she walked to the doorway. Her eyes widening as she saw the burners on the stove and their halos of flames. She didn’t even realize she was walking toward them, didn’t feel the heat as she spread her fingers above the glow. Touch it, she wanted to. Before someone finds you. But at that moment the hall door slammed against the wall and she jumped, turning off the burners and standing perfectly still. The smoke must have been coming from the food that was caked on, abandoned by the teenagers responsible for cleaning it up.

The girls in the hall passed without even looking her way, giggling together and going back to their room, while Maisie remained silent in the darkened kitchen. The lights from the hall now looked sterile and harsh compared to the soft blue of the flames. In her room, nothing had changed. Justine’s bed was empty, and Maisie’s sheets were still warm. She pulled the blankets up over her head and pretended that it was the halos from the kitchen that warmed her feet.

Maisie and Noah met up like they planned, but wasted more time than they intended, both of them studying late into the night, asking for help when they didn’t need it just to lean in close to the other.

“I’m hungry.” Maisie stretched her arms above her head. “We need food.”

“We could go to the Dine In.” He said. “They’re pretty much the only place on campus still open other than vending machines.”

“I just need shoes, hold on.” Maisie got up and headed for the door. “I’ll be right back.”

“It’s a date.” Noah said, and she stopped in the doorway, looking at him with a strange expression.

“A date.”

“Yeah, a date.” He smiled at her. “If that’s okay with you?”

“Yeah.” She nodded, laughing to herself as she walked away. She had a date.

She walked up the stairs with a spring in her step, and pulled on her old converse, her fingers fumbling over the laces with excitement. Her face felt warm, like it was on fire, and she itched to feel heat. No, not now. She grabbed her keys and met up with Noah, walking with him to the Dine In where she ordered a sandwich. They sat together, avoiding talking about classes and instead discussing the small town New Hampshire lifestyle that they had both experienced growing up.

“Your town sounds like it was even smaller than mine.” He said, pulling his milkshake closer. “Do you have any siblings?”

“No, just me.” She said. “You?”

“One older sister.” He told her. “Nora.”

“Nora and Noah?” Maisie laughed. “Oh my god.”

“I know.” Noah shook his head. “I won’t even tell you my parents' names.”

“Maybe you can tell me their names on our next date.” She said softly, looking down at her plate.

“Okay.” Noah said, and took a loud drink of his shake, causing Maisie to laugh and look up at him. His hair glowed in the light from the fluorescent lights behind him, and she wondered if it would be as warm as it looked if she ran her fingers through it. She felt her face flush and looked back down.

“Are you done?” He asked. “We should get some more studying done.”

“Yeah, let’s go.” She nodded and they stood up, clearing their dishes and heading outside. The walk back to the dorm was quiet, and Maisie looked at the water that rippled as they made their way around the lake. Her hand reaching out, fingers splayed and muscles tense, but before she could let her instincts take over, Noah grabbed her hand, holding it in both of his.

“Much better.” He said, and Maisie smiled the rest of the way to the common room.

That night she opened the top drawer of her desk as she did every night and took out the lighter that often kept her company in the cold and the dark. She liked this one better than the others she had collected. This one would burn even if she took her finger away as if it had a life of it’s own that wasn’t dependent on her forgiveness of it’s faults. She drummed her fingers into the flame, smiling as it bit at her skin. It was the feeling she chased throughout the rest of the day. That small pain to remind her to breathe in and out.

She fell asleep that night with no memory of putting the lighter away, but when she woke up it was once again in the top drawer of her desk. Maisie got up and opened her window, noticing immediately the smoke that was coming from one of the buildings on the other side of the lake. Her gaze fell to the water. I bet it was a beautiful burn, and she slammed the window shut. Her phone went off and she picked it up, seeing that Noah had texted her. Did you see the smoke? She responded that she had, keeping her eyes off the window. They’re not sure what happened but there was a small fire in one of the offices. She wanted to ask a thousand questions, but instead she decided on one. Want to get lunch later? 

Maisie let Noah take up her life, and for two weeks it was complete bliss. He would meet her at her room, they would study, watch movies on her bed, and sometimes he would kiss her. But even after he left, or if he fell asleep beside her, Maisie kept her eye on the top drawer of her desk, fingers flicking against each other as if perfecting the motion would create a flame in her palm.

“How come your roommate is never here?” Noah asked her one afternoon as she unlocked her door and pushed it open. “When can I meet the elusive Justine?”

“Probably never.” Maisie told him, dropping her bag and falling on her bed. “She spends most of her time with her boyfriend, he has a single.”

“I have a single too.” Noah said. “You could spend more time with me.” He shrugged and lay beside her. “You know, if I was your boyfriend.”

“Is that something you want?” She smiled at him. “To be my boyfriend?”

“I mean, I’m not opposed to it.” He shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair. Like flames.

“I’m not either.” She laughed and he leaned down to kiss her softly.

“Well, I’m crashing here tonight because I’m not the RA on call, and tomorrow we’re going to go out on a date as boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“Okay.” She said, and lay her head against his chest.

But after the lights had been turned out and the computer placed on the floor, Maisie couldn’t take it anymore. She had grown bolder lately, caring less about who knew what she did after hours, and opened the desk drawer to pull out the lighter.

“Mais?” Noah rolled over. “What are you doing?”

“I forgot to take my pills.” Liar. She had purposefully not taken them as she had every day for the last month. Each of them now sitting at the bottom of the lake where they had first met. “Go back to sleep.” She told him, and waited until his breathing had slowed before opening the door. She hadn’t bothered with shoes, and her feet padded quietly across the floor. It was a Friday night, the quieter of the weekend nights on campus, but even still, people moved throughout the dorm, none of them paying her any attention as she walked by.

She walked out into the cool air and looked to the reflections of the buildings in the lake, a few lights visible through the windows that shimmered on the surface. Beautiful, she thought to herself and the moon, which shone twice as bright guided her. The lighter in her hand was still cold against her palm as she made her approach. It didn’t take long for the first alarms to go off, but by the time anyone noticed she had moved on, not even looking back as she continued on her path. The flames began to reflect on the water, just as she knew they would, and soon the ring connected.

Once again she stood in front of the dorm, looking down at the reflection of fire on the lake. Students from all over campus screamed at the burning buildings, at the tragedy and loss. But Maisie didn’t hear their pain. All she could hear was the rumble of her creation upon the water.

“Maisie!” She heard Noah’s voice. “There you are!” He pulled her into a hug. “I couldn’t find you, what are you doing out here?” But his eyes widened when he saw the smile on her face. “Mais, what’s going on?” She reached up and felt his hair, pushing her fingers through it to find that burn she craved.

“I thought your hair would feel like flames.” She told him. “But it’s cold like everyone else’s.”

“Maisie, what are you talking about?” Noah looked at her, pleading with her. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” She told him. “It’s fine.” She pulled the lighter out of her pocket. “It’s all going to be fine.” She placed it in his hands. “I want you to have this, it’s my most prized possession.” And she turned back to the lake of fire. Maisie pulled her sweatshirt off, as well as her tee shirt and sweatpants. She wanted to feel what she had created, to bathe in the fire reflected just to know if it burned as hot. She sighed as she stepped into the water, the flames licking up her skin as she trembled. The reflection of the moon now looked dim against the flames, and she walked to the center of the lake where their light made everything glow orange, before laying on her back and closing her eyes.

“Maisie!” His voice was muffled by the fire in her ears. “Maisie! Come back!” But the fire drowned out all sounds except for the blood pumping in her veins. She listened carefully to the rhythm, memorized it’s cadence, reveled in its power, and let it swallow her whole.