June 10th, 2020

**Sensitive Content: Mental Health, Alcohol, Major Bodily Injuries

Abandoning solitude of many months. I found myself risking peace. I had finally decided to break free from the labyrinth of my mind and the safety of my bedroom. I was going to go on what felt like my first date. It was not, I just had not let myself be a real human being for months now and it was like I forgot how to function. 

“You can do it. You are overthinking it. It’s going to be okay, just do it!”

My own voice in my head gives me a pep talk while my body is shaking at the knees. I feel like if I go to speak my words are just going to come out as vomit and I’m going to ruin the entire night anyway. Anxiety is something that I wish upon no one. It had swallowed me whole one too many times.

Drinks and laughter. 

Maybe, too much of both.

I felt too good at the moment.

It was time to take me home, both still smiling from a joke she told as we were walking out of the bar. She opened the door of her truck for me, and I climbed in. She then shut it behind me, walked to the other side, and climbed in herself. 

Before pulling away, we locked eyes and let out one more giggle. I felt like a kid again in her presence. 

Was she the miracle I had been waiting for? 

Was she actually pulling me out of my shell or my hell?

That is what I preferred to call it. 

Hoping that I was right about her, I looked away and smiled the biggest smile I had in a long time. My face even hurt from all the laughing we did. Something just felt right. I turned forward again and reached for the radio. I could not wait to go home and fantasize about the wonderful night I had just had. It still did not seem real. 

Fire.

Paralyzing fear.

No faces, but souls.

It's life or death, but I scream to leave me. The souls fight back. It's not my time. Not on their watch. It's not ironic that I fought to stay, really. I guess I thought burning alive would give me something to feel one last time before never feeling again.

Could you imagine what that would've done to my family. Broken bones; burnt to crisp. They say only the good die young, but I was given a second chance. A chance I thought I didn't even want.

Fading to black, but voices bring me back to bright lights. Do not talk. Do not touch me, just take away the pain. I long for one of the souls from before. Terrified was an understatement, but she brought me peace. A peace I would later learn to harness like the wind, but right now, the storm had only just begun.  

The darkness captivated me. It was peaceful and pain free.

What was even happening?

I wondered if this is what happens when we die. 

Am I dead right now?

It was only temporary. 

Soon I would drift back out of the black into the chaos. 

The bright lights. 

The voices.

Take me back to the darkness. I want to go back to the darkness. I could not speak, but I was screaming on the inside. Everything happened so fast, yet in slow-motion. I felt everything and nothing all at once.

   I finally knew where I was, but why? The days would fade in and out. At that time, I felt the presence of souls. Familiar souls. It's almost like I was dreaming, but I did not remember going to sleep and waking up was not something I wanted to do. 

  I followed the energy of the familiar souls. Their energy pulled me back to reality, but the nightmare was not over. Heading into the unknown was inevitable. Just like it always is, but I was not given a choice. I had always wondered what it would be like when we die. On many different occasions in my lifetime leading up to this moment, I swore it had to be more peaceful than the life I've been living, but I was not dead. 

       "You've been in an accident; both of your legs are broken and.."

They started to explain my injuries. The damage I would soon learn was more than I ever could fathom. 

       "Please stop. I do not want to know what's wrong with me."

I spoke with a broken voice.

Terror and pain overwhelmed me. I knew if this stranger kept trying to tell me anything, it would be too much for me to handle. I did not have the strength for that, but strength would find me in time. 

  Facing reality is never easy, but this was something I could not avoid. My body was broken. How broken, you may be wondering? Shattered knees. Broken femur, foot, ankle, and hand. Bruises, burns, bloodshot eyes. All but one rib broken on my left side. Ironically where I got "It's the courage to continue that counts," tattooed when I was 15. 

  I had lived through more trauma than you'd think, even by that age, but that's for a different time. This took the cake. 

"2 Women Flown to Hospital After Pickup Truck Crashed into House, Causing Fire" 

    That was the headline of the article I was shown. I did not want to see more than that. I could not believe it. 

How did this happen?

How am I alive? 

I never wanted to wake up from a nightmare so badly in my life. That was not possible.

Most people only dream of waking up and being told you cannot use your legs. You cannot walk. Everything you've ever been able to do for yourself, simply forget it. Your freedom is gone. It's terrifying, having absolutely no control. 

There I was. 

Defenseless. 

Broken both physically and mentally.

Back to solitude with no peace in sight. 

A date I will never forget.