My Fourth (and Last) Attempt at Being Mortal

Honestly, the afterlife is overrated. Well, at least it is if you chose the path labelled “Ghost” (I can’t speak for “Vampire”, “Olympus” or “Llama”, but I’m sure I could find you someone who could tell you about those paths some other time). What can I say? I may or may not have still been a little (okay, a lot) drunk at the choosing time. Note to self: when a shady old lady offers you a vial labelled “poison” on Halloween, she’s probably not joking.

I mean, you’d think that being a ghost, I could haunt houses or leave ominous letters to the mortals or something along those lines.

But, newsflash, I’m a ghost. AKA, no one can see my undead face, however beautiful it may be. Also, no one can hear, smell, touch or taste me, in case you were curious (Don’t ask how I know).

Which is a tragedy, of course. Just think of all those people missing out on such a charming person. Death is truly cruel.

“Trick or treat!” Exclaims a little kid dressed as some sort of moose jaguar camel with a three-foot neck.

“Awe!” The woman at the door says. “What a cute little giraffe!”

I squint and tilt my head, getting a better look at the kid. Yeah, giraffe would make more sense. 

I stand from my precarious position on the stone wall beside the door and make my way to the end of the drive. Seriously, you would not believe how hard it is to sit on something solid when all your very un-solid ass wants to do is slide right through it.

I follow the kid down the block for a bit, before (quite literally) drifting away. That’s another thing about being a ghost: if you’re not focused, it can be easy to drift off course.

And I’m not a very focused person. Being a ghost has not changed that. But I wasn’t just drifting. I had caught a glimpse of my former boyfriend heading down a street only a few feet away.

I hurry after him, which is actually surprisingly difficult. I’ve never tried to run as a ghost before; I’d had no reason. But now, when I actually want to be somewhere fast, my ghostly form is malfunctioning. By that, I mean the faster I try to go, the slower I actually move.

“No, no, darling,” A ridiculous falsely low voice says from behind me. “You can’t deviate off course again.”

I roll my eyes and turn. “Seriously, Twig, you’ve got to stop. I’ve told you-”

“But all we have to do is complete the quest and we can move on!” He whines, giving up on his low-voice routine.

“What if I don’t want to leave?” I snap, crossing my arms. 

Okay, okay, maybe I do. But I’m not about to admit it to this twirp. Truth is, he was assigned to be my partner in this “quest”. Which is stupid. And now he’s decided he’s going to be my protector. Forever.

“Then I’ll stay right by your side this entire time.” He says, puffing out his chest.

Oh, and that’s the other thing. He may or may not have a tiny, huge crush on me.

I groan and turn to see I’ve missed my boyfriend already. And sure enough, he’s gone. Sighing, I mentally prepare myself for the inevitable.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” I say, turning back.

“Yes!” He shouts, giving the air a very enthusiastic fist bump. Which is difficult when he himself is basically made of air. 

“But on one condition,” I add, raising my eyebrow in the kind of unimpressed way my mom used to pull off so well. “If we make it to the after, you have to leave me alone.”

He deflates slightly, almost triggering my guilt. Almost. But I’ve seen him play this before and I will not give in.

“Okay,” He concedes, raising his hands in mock surrender. 

I smile and pull out the paper from my coat pocket. Luckily, it’s made from air so I can hold it firmly in my hand.

My eyes scan it for the first time ever and I burst out laughing. 

“What is it?” Twig asks.

“It’s,” I catch my breath. “A treasure hunt. The way to the after is a fricken treasure hunt!”

He grabs the paper from me and smiles. “This’ll be eas-” He stops himself and a crease appears between his brows.

“What is it?” I ask, snatching at the paper.

“Uh, how the heck are we supposed to catch a bug? Or grab a mini chocolate bar? Or-” I cut him off and read the paper over again.

“Dang it,” I grit my teeth. “This used to be so easy, at least, while we were mortals.”

“Well, it must be possible, right?” He asks, voice tinged with desperation.

Of course, this is happening to me. All I did was piss off Hades once (again) and he’s come back to haunt me. (Pun intended.)

“Are we able to, like,” Twig lowers his voice as if one of the kids around us could possibly overhear him. “Possess a kid or something?”

I roll my eyes. “You know that’s a demon thing, not a ghost thing right?”

He shrugs. A small smile comes to my lips as I play with the possibility. If I could possess people, earth would be doomed. Which might not be a bad thing, come to think of it. mortals are stupid anyway.

“Then what can we do?” He says, frustration evident in his tone.

I fling out my hands in exasperation. “You think I know-”

Next to me, a kid grunts and puts a hand up to his face right where my elbow was just a moment before. His eyes widen, darting right through me before he hurries off. 

Twig and I stare at each other, eyes wide. A grin splits his face and I smirk. 

“What do you say we paint this town red tonight before saying bon voyage?” I grin, tone mischievous.

“You know the rules,” Twig says, slightly nervous. “If we interfere too much with the mortal world, we’ll end up in the underworld.”

My smile widens. “Bring it on. Hades will not want to see me again.” But I notice Twig’s expression and I sombre. “Here, take the list and go collect everything. I’ll meet you back here in an hour.”

He brightens and takes the paper. “I won’t let you down!” He says, before hurrying off, brushing past mortals and causing the slightest ripple of disturbance.

Now, This is the point where I fulfill my dreams. Go off and cause the biggest commotion a ghost has ever caused. So, guess what I do? Literally paint this town red. Or at least, some of the street.

Paint stains my fingers and mortals scream, running around in a panic like scared little ants. All I did was write some… choice words across the middle of the street. I mean, it takes so little to scare them, right?

Twig comes up from behind me, looking conflicted. “I have good news and bad news.” He says.

I step back to admire my work, but answer, “Good first. It’s more suspenseful that way.”

“Uh, okay. So I completed our quest treasure hunt thing,” He starts. 

I clap him on the back. “Awesome!”

“Um, yeah, but-” He stutters.

“You know what, Twig?” I say, picking up a discarded champagne bottle and two abandoned plastic cups. “You’re a good kid.” The sound of sirens grows closer and news reporters whip out their cameras as I pour two glasses.

He sighs, looking down.

“And what’s the bad?” I add, liquid spilling through my hand as I overflow the cups.

“You have to go back to the underworld,” He says, wincing.

“I’ll drink to that!” I cheer, raising my cup and knocking it against his, causing even more of a mess. 

I tip back my head and gulp down the fizzy liquid, just as the chaotic world around me melts and flips upside down, before solidifying and righting itself.

I smile at the angry god glaring down at me from his throne, in his usual depressing earth-tones. He doesn’t look overly impressed, but I can see the hint of an exasperated smile behind that face I’ve known for thousands of years now.

“You realize, this is strike four of attempting to be a mortal, right?” Hades grumbles.

“Hello to you too,” I smile. “Good to see you, little brother.”