It Wasn't me... It was the Normal Sized Cat

“It wasn’t me!” Charlie said. “It was the cat!”

A roar rang through the hall and chased a chill up the spine of every adult in the room.

“Not you, Stanley. I mean Mr Mittens.”

The elephant took that moment to step on a cashier desk crumbling it to the ground. The monkeys cheered as they removed the pens from those little chains attached to the desks. The parrots swooped and swirled near the top of the decorated dome. A parrot pooped high in the sky and it fell down, down, down to the shoulder of one of the many gaping bank workers entering their place of work.

They were struggling to know what to focus on: all of the animals trashing the place, or the precious gold spilt across the central hall. But as their gaping moved to spluttering, they all silently agreed on what to focus on: the small, scruffy boy in the middle denying all knowledge.

             “Wait!” Charlie raised his arms in a calming motion. This wasn’t the first time he had been surrounded by a ring of adults with beetroot faces and whitening knuckles (nor, he conceded, was it likely to be the last), “I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me explain. I haven’t done anything wrong!”

             A tortoise walked out of the vault bedecked in jewels. Necklaces, bracelets and even a tiara glittered on the old and grumpy animal. Someone dropped their Starbucks travel mug sloshing the sticky black gloop over their pristinely polished shoes.

             “Ok, I did dress up the tortoise. Is that so bad?” Nobody answered but Charlie noticed a slight loosening of the fists: a good sign to continue. A small smile appeared on his lips as he lowered his arm. This was his orchestra, and he was the conductor.

             “So… I was eating my dinner yesterday when my mum asked me to take the bin out for bin day. Being the loving and adoring son I am I of course obliged straight away. Do not fret dear mother, I shall assist you. And as I was dragging the incredibly heavy bin to the kerb what did I happen to see but a shiny coin on the floor!”

             “So you bought a ticket to the zoo?!” A haughty voice dared to hurry Charlie on in his story. He pointedly ignored the speaker, but a couple of meerkats showed their displeasure by running up her trouser legs. She froze – sweat glistening on her forehead – but Charlie took her silence as a sign to continue. There was little he wouldn’t take as a sign to continue.

             “A shiny coin! My mother declared it was a reward for my hard work and I could buy myself a treat if I saw fit. Why, how could I miss such an opportunity? So, coin in my pocket and strut in my step I began my journey to the shop down the road. And who should I meet on my journey but Mr Mittens. Mr Mittens used to be a stray monster, still is in my opinion. But my dear neighbour, Nanny Grace, insists on claiming him as her own since her last old tom sadly departed.

             “I didn’t like to think of the poor woman upset. So I endeavoured to return her beloved Mr Mittens. But he must have misconstrued my approach as something more devious as he immediately bolted down the road.”

             “And this relates to the zoo, how?” Charlie started to wonder if these interruptions would be constant. He glanced at the speaker and saw a sturdy looking baton strapped to the security guard’s side. The security guard had a thick bristly moustache and a glint in his eye that led Charlie to decide against admonishing the man.

             “I had decided to look for Mr Mittens. And look I did until I finally found said cat petrified and stuck on the high walls of Albyn Zoo.” Charlie gave the security guard a pointed, but not too aggressive, look.

             “Luckily, I had spent most of the summer improving my finger grip so I climbed up the wall no problem and was soon face to face with Mr Mittens himself. Sadly, his face proved to be angrier and more fearsome than I expected and we got into a bit of a scrape. He gave me this scar!”

             Charlie pulled the corner of his jumper to show… well, a pale neck was all the onlookers could see from where they stood. Not that they tried to look that close. Most would be all too happy to storm over and throttle this little toerag. If it weren’t for the anaconda. As Charlie had started speaking the huge snake had slithered and decided to rest between Charlie and the ring of adults.

             “Anyway, in the kerfuffle we both fell off the wall and into a well-placed mud lake. The pygmy hippos looked ever so shocked but seemed happier when we both made a quick dash away. But problematically, a quick dash in opposite directions! It took me a few trips round the zoo to find the cat again. But find him I did. He was next to the main keepers’ hut where all the controls were. I scooped him up; claws pointed away from me of course. And we began the long walk back to his owner.

But that wasn’t to be. The most peculiar thing happened when we passed the elephant exhibit. The cage door popped open! I don’t know who was the most surprised: me, the elephant or the cat. The elephant was the first to react and charged out of her cage using her trunk to swing me and the cat on its back. The cat wasn’t keen and scarpered off again. The elephant stomped towards the exit and would you know, the other cages had burst open too! So all the animals followed the elephant who seemed to know exactly where she wanted to go. Funny thing about zoo security, once the animals get out of their cages it’s not that tricky for them to keep going! We were soon on the street and looking for an adventure.

             And an adventure we did find. Of a sort. We were passing some buildings when we saw two people leaning against a door all suspicious like. Striped shirts and balaclavas: you know the sort. Then it became obvious: they were robbers! They were going to rob the bank! So being the good citizen I am I slid down the elephant’s trunk and ran to the chimp at the front of our parade. Chimps, as you know, have a strong sense of justice so he was not impressed when I pointed out the robbers.

             Unfortunately, as we stormed towards them, battle cries echoing across the lane, the animals and I didn’t know our own strength. Instead of stopping the robbers getting in we actually stampeded the robbers into the very bank they were unsuccessfully trying to enter only a second earlier. Weren’t our faces red!”

             Charlie paused as he considered that a lot of these grownups had redder faces than he could imagine possible. One was actually turning purple! Keep on talking, that was Charlie’s way.

             “The reliable chimp rushed forward and immediately tied up the robbers’ hands. He’s really improved his knot knowledge: boatman’s knot for anyone interested. He’s keeping an eye on them as we speak. While he did that I used a phone round back to call the police and alert them of our bit of good vigilantism here. They said thank you my dear lad and please guard the place until we get the people together to send over and assist you. Then you all arrived and probably jumped to some pretty big conclusions.”

             Charlie put his hands in his pockets rocking on his heels triumphantly. He was quite pleased with himself. The adults were still circling him but the faces were definitely moving more with a quizzical tilt rather than a fury-filled vibration now. It was a good explanation.  

             The haughty voice returned (the meerkats had left) and she expressed her disagreement, “Sorry, your story is that you fell – fell over 10 feet into a pygmy hippo exhibit mud wrestling a cat?”

             “I mean, I was rescuing the cat.”

             “Why aren’t you muddy?”

             “I had to swim through a second lake to exit the exhibit. Not all pygmy hippos like mud.”

             “And… if I’m hearing this right,” another bank worker piped in, “you’re inferring a CAT switched off the security system.”

             “I doubt it was deliberate…” Charlie responded.

             “And, what I in particular find the most disturbing, is there a large cat here – ”

             “Oh, no. Mr Mittens is a normal sized cat. And I think he ran off again…”

             “I am actually referring to the distinct lion-like roar we heard you refer to as Stanley? Is Stanley somewhere in this building?”

             There was a collective gasp as the employees, now ashen face, were reminded of that little titbit of horror. Was a lion going to jump out of a safe and maul them?

             It all became too much for them. They had had enough of this little punk and his parade of animals (plus, the snake had slithered away). So they finally marched, sleeves pushed up and heavy frowns on their brow, towards little Charlie who looked more annoyed than scared. He hadn’t appreciated the critique of his explanation.

             An ear-splitting screech came from the far corridor. The double doors slammed into the walls and plaster dust fell to the ground as an enormous chimpanzee barrelled towards the tightening mob. The chimpanzee planted its knuckles in front of Charlie and howled at the bank workers from such close proximity their faces were sprayed with spittle and their hair streaked behind them.

             “I told you: chimps have a strong sense of justice.”

             The adults wobbled on their feet. A couple tried to flick some of the larger globs of gunk off their cheeks. But they stopped as two people came crashing through a different door to the right. The pair were having even more trouble keeping balanced than the bank workers had. The reason soon became clear as one made a long step, tripped the other and they both fell to the floor in a tangle: their legs were tied together! They gulped in deep breaths too tired to stand, chests heaving under their striped jumpers. The chimp went over to investigate.

             The bank workers looked dumb struck. All thoughts of grabbing Charlie gone.

Nobody paid him any attention then and it suited him fine. Charlie had finished his tale and was sure of two things: one: it never hurt to take the bins out when asked and, two: adults will believe anything if you say it with a smile. He couldn’t believe his luck. He grinned widely, took a shiny coin out his pocket and flipped it in the air.