Lola

Sometimes what seems like one of the easiest things end up being the hardest. I mean all I have to do is say one sentence and walk away. How hard could that be? Very hard in fact very very hard.

Just tell him you don't think we should be together. Presto, done. Walk away. 

But I don't want to break his heart.

That's pretty much what breaking up with someone is.

I sighed.

“Nothing worth having comes easily,” I mumbled. “Nothing worth having comes easily.” Just remember that. But is this something I want to have?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

ARGHHHHH. Why couldn't things just be easy? I didn't want to hurt him I just didn't want to be together anymore I didn't love him anymore I just wanted to be friends. Why couldn't that just happen?

I just needed to tell him how I felt. He was accepted, he would understand. I pulled out a paper from my pocket. ANd re-read it. “Tell him how you feel. Ask to be friends. Don’t mess anything up.” simply. “Hey, whatcha reading?” A voice from behind me asked.

Drat.

I shoved the note back in my pocket. “Hey come on.”

“I told you it's nothing.”

Not waiting for him to follow me I walked over to the swingset moving my foot back and forth as I slowly swayed. Luke sat down next to me and got a little momentum himself.

“What's on your mind?” He asked. “I mean it has to be pretty big since you brought me here….” He trailed off as we both remembered all the memories this place brought. Not only was it our elementary school for 6 years it was also the spot where we got together in the first place.

When we were younger. When I still loved him. 

“Come over here” Luke called. I looked up from my book to see him hanging upside down from the monkey bars. “Aren't we too old to be playing at an elementary school playground?”

“Never!” He exclaimed. “Now, come on!”

“My shirt will fall down” 

“So? Just tuck it in! Now come one.”

I rolled my eyes and set down my book and walked over to the swingset I climbed up and swung down as we were both upsides down a foot from each other. “‘Ugg how do you do this for this long? I mean does your head hurt? Or like your legs?”

“Just relax.” I did. I took a deep breath upside down as I watched the sun slowly dip below the horizon.

“It's getting dark. I should go.” I said untangling my legs from the metal bars. A couple of minutes later. “Aww. No, you don’t. You don't have to be home for an hour.”

“I know but it's dark and I need to get home.”

“Just 5 more minutes. He pleaded. 

“5 minutes,” I said, setting a timer on my watch.

“Come one.” He grabbed my hand and led me to the swing set. I sat down and swung my legs. Luke was fidgeting to my left.

“What?” I asked with a giggle.

“I have a question for you.”

“Okay…” I said.

“You must answer honestly.”

“Okay.. now I’m getting curious..”

“Will you go out with me?”

“Lo? Are you listening?” Luke asked, jolting me from my memory.

“Yeah, I mumbled. “Sorry I was just having flashbacks.”

“Yeah me too.”

Maybe I shouldn't do this. Maybe I made the wrong choice of bringing him here. Maybe whenever he comes here he will have bad memories instead of good ones.

Maybe I shouldn't break up with him now.

Maybe I shouldn't break up with him

Ever.

No, I don't want that. I want this to be over. I want to tell him as soon as possible.. But is this what I want?

Yes

No

Maybe.

Arggg relationships were so hard. Just get it over with. It's like ripping off a bandaid. No one wants to do it but it's for the better. You need to do it fast and get it over with.

“I have something to tell you.” We both said at the same time.

“You go first,'' I told him.

Maybe he would end it! Maybe I wouldn't seem like the bad guy. Maybe this might actually be the right way!

“ I love you Lo.”

He took my hand off the swing and kissed it gently. I pulled it back as gently as I could. Nope. He wasn't ending this, he was doing quite the opposite. And now I couldn't break up with him. How could I? Obviously he didn't feel the same way I did obviously he didn't want this to end. I couldn't break his heart. But I couldn't do this anymore.

I was torn. 

“Hey what's wrong?” Luke asked, tilting my head up. “You normally respond to me,” he said with a look of sadness on his face.

It was now or never. I just needed to get it out.

“I….”

“You what?” He asked gently.

Couldn't I just go home? Email or call him later?

No

You should never do that.

You have to tell them in person.

Like what I'm supposed to be doing now.

Just SPIT IT OUT.

“I don't think this is working,” I mumbled.

“What isn't working? The swings? Yes, they may be a little old and a bit rusty but you're not going to fall.”

“No.” I paused. “Us.”

“What do you mean?” He exclaimed. “We work perfectly! Why do you think we've been dating for two years like yin and yang light and dark. I know you must not mean it. Just tell me what's been bothering you. What's going on in your life that caused it to say this don't take your anger out on me. I know you don't want that.``

Apparently, he was less understanding than I thought.

“Nothing Is going on in my life. There are no problems in my life. I just don't think this is working. Maybe, maybe we should just be friends.”

“What's going on with you?” He exclaimed. “Are you mad at me? What did I do?” Was it what I said at the restaurant? If it was, I apologize, didn't I? Well, I apologize now.”

It was what happened at the restaurant but it was more than that. It was just that I didn't love him anymore. It was just that I wanted to be friends. Why didn't he understand?

“Yes. No. It doesn't matter, I just think we should be friends!”

“Aww come on you don't really think that?”  He leaned in close to my face and brushed a strand of my hair out from my eyes. Then he looked at me with his bright blue eyes. And my ear fluttered a little.

Maybe I still love him.

Maybe we could make this work

But deep down I knew I didn't want that.

“Do you love me?” I asked him.

“Yes of course!”

“And you want what's best for me?” I questioned raising my eyebrows.

“Yes..”

“And you want me to be happy” 

“Yes of course! You knew all that. Why did you need to ask…” He trailed off, color draining from his face.

“Then what if I tell you what will make me happy is being friends what's best for me is being friends. You just said you wanted me to be happy. Well, This would make me happy.”

“You're serious about this, aren't you?”

My throat closed up so I nodded.

“But why? Just tell me what I did. Tell me why you want this.”

“You want to go down that hole, I don't think you want to.”

“Yes.”

“Because I just don't love you anymore I don't feel the same way about you as I did a year ago. It's simple.”

He looked like he had been slapped in the face.

“But what can I do to earn your love back? He looked distressed as he got to his knees. But he also looked adorable.

“I don't want to be your boyfriend. I've told you that. I just want to be your friend. And that's the best you'll get.”

“Friends.”

“Friends.

“Until you want more.”

I literally screamed. “You're not listening to me!” I hissed. “I hate when you do that when you act like you know what's best for me when you think you know about what's best for me. Well, you don't I don't want more. I just want to be friends. And I'm starting to not want that either.”

Luke took a step backward. “You don't need to freak out like that.”

“Yes I did! I need to do whatever it takes to get you to listen to me! Please just listen to me.”

“Okay okay, I'm listening.”

“Good. Lola just wants to be friends.”

“Lola just wants to be friends.”

“Lola want you to treat her like a friend.”

“Lola wants me to treat her like a friend.”

"Lola hopes that we can be very good friends and put whatever happened today behind us.

“Lola hopes that we can be very good friends and put that happened today behind us.”

“Lola hopes that  Luke finds someone else.”

“Luke hopes that Lola finds someone else."