The Rat the Cat the Fox the Dog

“Everybody on the fuckin’ ground”, yelled Rat, while spraying a volley of bullets into the ceiling. Fox and Cat vaulted over the desk to police the tellers. Human checked all the corners just to make sure there weren’t any hidden problems lurking about. A man on his knees reached into his coat and Rat hit him with the butt of his gun. “A fuckin hero, huh”, said Rat as he reached into the mans jacket himself and retrieved a hidden pistol.

“1 minute”, yelled Human, who was the only one not wearing an animal mask. Fox and Cat shoveled money into bags quickly. It only took 45 seconds to grab what they intended, but Rat of course wanted to push his luck and get more. “Get the fuck back there, we still have time, get more”, Rat yelled to Cat (a very unlikely pairing). “Go get it yourself then fucko”, Cat snapped back.

Rat’s nose twitched in annoyance, but he hit the door when everyone else did. The 4 piled out of the bank and into a nondescript van, Dog was at the wheel. “Go go go”, yelled Fox with frantic energy. The vans tires squealed and they were on course to do the most important part of the heist, the getaway.

Dog eased off the gas when he didn’t see headlights behind him. “Be cool be cool”, said Rat. The Cat looked to Rat, once he felt the heat was off, “What the fuck was that shit Rat”. “What, you don’t like money?”, Rat said while shrugging. “I don’t like getting cornered and put in a cell, but maybe that’s something that appeals to you, confined spaces, rooting through shit filled sewers and all”, Cat said. “You don’t have to get literal, you fuckin’ pussy”, said Rat snickering at, what he considered, a well placed satirical quip.

“We got 5 minutes to the tunnel, when we’re gone you 2 can fight or fuck each other, I could give a shit”, Fox said. Rat and Cat seethed, but agreed on that much.

Human rode shotgun, and leaned over to whisper to Dog, “You ok buddy”, he said. “You know I don’t like this man”. “I know buddy, 4 minutes and it’s over man”, Human insisted.

The van eased up slowly to a stop light. Dog contemplated rolling through it, but looked around until he was certain the coast was clear. Cat let out a sharp whistle. “Don’t everyone turn and look at once, but I see pigs a block down on our left”.

Cautiously the car took cursory glances until everyone saw it too. “Pump up the volume Dog, we can make it”, said Rat. “Wait… just a bit… just a bit”, Fox spoke in a measured tone.

Dog’s eyebrow’s sweat.

Rat casually rolled down the windows. “Not yet asshole”, said Cat. Rat slowly and calmly racked his rifle under the seat. Nobody wanted Rat to be right, but then again they couldn’t cause a stir in the van making the prophecy fulfill itself.

The light changed and Cat spotted another Pig on the right. “Go, we’re cooked!”, yelled Cat. Dog ignored his natural instinct not to listen to Cat and trusted his senses. He stepped on the gas and sped through the intersection. Blue lights swarmed the van like mechanical fireflies.

“Set it off”, Rat yelled, leaning out of the window blazing guns at whoever came closest. Human leaned out of his window reluctantly. As much as he didn’t want to kill anyone, he didn’t want to get caught either. He took aim at the police. His hand trembled on the trigger. As he finally mustered the nerve a burst of fluttering fury flew in through the open window.

Human nearly bobbled his gun when an oversized bird caused chaos inside. Rat turned at the flailing bird and pulled the pistol he took from the bank hero. “I swear to fuckin’ god if you shoot that fuckin’ gun in the car…”, Fox yelled in sentence fragments. “The fuck do you want bird?”, Fox said almost as if to himself, not expecting a response, but to everyone’s surprise he got one.

The winged creature was a colorful bird of paradise, who’s talons clinched into the leather of the center console to steady itself. “It seems you boys are in a bit of trouble”, the bird said. Human squinted his eyes in disbelief, then took a take, then a double take, then a triple take. He removed his rubber mask to make sure he was seeing this thing with his own eyes.

“Is that fucking thing talking to us?”, Human said. Dog turned to look in quick peeking glances, needing to keep his full attention on the road. “It’s a parrot, it probably says that shit all the time”, Dog said, attempting to rationalize it. “You know I’m not just a fuckin’ parrot Dog, why you playing stupid”, the bird said as it leveled itself off after a hard swerve.

“I can get you out of this so long as you’re willing to pledge yourself to her majesty”, the parrot said. “I’m gonna shoot this fuckin’ bird”, rat yelled in panic. “Are any of you freaked the fuck out that the fuckin’ bird is talking to us?”, Human said in a panic. Fox opened the back door and sprayed an automatic rifle at the gathering cops, “How about we deal with one crisis at a time”.

“Whaaaat… what is it you said about getting us out of here?”, Human said with fear and suspicion, but a willingness to listen because of the dire straits they were currently in. “Your plan isn’t gonna work without me, trust me, the tunnel is gonna be closed”, said the Parrot. “We checked it right before we hit the place, it’s open”. “If her majesty says it’s closed then it’s closed”, the bird said to Fox who was too busy blasting to comprehend the full extent of the conversation.

“So… bird… how are you gonna get us out of this?”, Human said. “I really don’t think I’m gonna say, I’m just gonna sit here until you realize you need me. You have 3 minutes before you realize how fucked you are”, said the parrot. Human scratched his head as a cop car slammed into their back wheel attempting to pitt maneuver them so that they’d spin out.

The robbers could see the tunnel in sight, it was about a block away, but it may as well had been a mile. Cop cars swung in front of them making a perimeter wall that was going to block them in. “I can’t wait to see how you deal with this one, how good of a driver are you dog?”, said the parrot. Dog side eyed the majestic bird of paradise, too engrossed in his task to answer. “Sssssooooo, why are all you guys doing this?!”, said the bird in a casual speaking voice, as if they weren’t in a high speed chase and about to attempt to evade a police check point.

“Bird, I’m gonna eat your ass alive, if you don’t cut this shit out”, said Cat. “Eat my ass huh… phrasing”, the parrot said with a smart ass chuckle. Human looked to Dog who was intensely focused on his task, eyes narrowing, fingers white knuckled on the wheel. “Are you gonna do it?”. “I gotta, it’s for Finn”, said Dog. Human nodded and he buckled his seat belt knowing Dog wasn’t gonna back down.

“Seatbelts!!!”, Human yelled to the rest. Rat either didn’t listen or didn’t care, so when everyone buckled up, he decided to risk it. Dog hit the gas and slammed into 3 piled up cop cars going about as fast as the van could go. Bullets ripped through the metal carriage making tiny shards of light. The van collided with metal.

Rat violently flew through the air and then crashed through the windshield. Dog did everything in his power to avoid hitting him on the road, not sure if he wasn’t dead already. “We gotta turn back”, Human yelled. “Oh fuck that shit”, snapped Fox.

Cat’s head slumped down and he struggled to keep his eyes open. “It’s getting pretty heated now, I can’t wait to see how it plays out”, said the parrot. “Oh great, at least we didn’t lose you”, Fox said with dripping sarcasm.

Human unbuckled his seatbelt and sat next to Cat, who he now saw was bleeding at the neck and stomach. “Talk to me”, Human said. “I’m gonna make it, don't worry about it”, Cat insisted with eyes that wanted to close more than open. Human reached down to take off Cat’s mask, but couldn’t find the strap. “Where the fuck is it!?”, Human mumbled to himself.

He noticed that Cat was bleeding through neck fur. He attempted to lift the mask from his chin, but it wasn’t plastic, rubber, or paper, but flesh. Human gasped and leaned back, when he realized Cat wasn’t wearing a mask. “What the fuck, what the fuck!?!”, Human yelled. “Calm down man, 20 seconds and we’re gone”, said Dog who seemed to sense the source of Human’s distress.

The van spurted and skidded all over the road when they drove over spike strips. Human and Fox were flung in the front. The parrot flew up to the headrest of the passenger's seat, to dodge the flailing bodies. Human felt the fur of Fox’s face and pushed him off. He would have just assumed it was part of his mask, if he hadn’t went through the same issue with Cat.

Human looked over to Cat, who’s eyes were closed. He was still safely locked in his seat with his seatbelt. “What the fuck are you?”, Human said. “Your friend”, Dog claimed as he struggled with all his might not to hit a light pole. Fox and Human seat belted up, seeing the crash incoming. The van careened into the pole and sent the metal behemoth tumbling over in a maelstrom of blue electrical sparks.

The van was done after that wreck, it was only a dead metal box now. “Come the fuck on!!!”, Fox yelled to the others as he grabbed the 2 duffels and began running for the tunnel on foot.

Dog got out of the car and ran with all his might. Human trailed behind him, if not for the imminent threat of death or capture, he would have broken away and made his way on his own. The pigs were right on their tail zooming at them in their squad cars.

Human looked back at Cat who was slumped in his seat belt. “Guess he was outta lives, fuck’em we gotta go Human”, said Fox in a full sprint speaking in between shallow breathes.

The 3 robbers ran on the side of oncoming traffic which prompted the police to have to get out of their cars to pursue, or risk accidentally killing civilians in a smash up. As bad as it was going, so far the plan was still on track.

Dog pulled up a loose metal grate on the walkway and tossed the duffel on Fox’s back down the hole. Fox was first down the obscured ladder. Dog motioned for Human to follow, but he hesitated. “I’m still your friend man, we gotta go”.

Human looked farther down the tunnel as if seriously considering breaking out on his own. “Take your mask off, if you’re my friend take your mask off”, said Human with urgency and a fragile hold on the trust they had. “This is my mask off, the other face was the mask”, said Dog.

“Stop being sentimental Dog, fuck’em”, said Fox from the bottom of the ladder. “Go if you gotta go asshole”, Dog yelled back down. A bullet skipped off the concrete, and Human decided he’d risk it rather than jail.

As Dog and Human got to the lower level, the parrot flew by them, “The tunnels are still closed, no way you’re getting out this way”. “We already are. What are you talking about bird?”, Human spoke with confusion. In between breaths in their furious jog, Dog spoke, “He may be right, we were gonna slip out of this reality and into ours, then reappear somewhere else”. “How in the hell did you think I wasn’t gonna notice it”, said Human. “You wouldn’t have, time works different there, and even if you did humans tend to forget”, said Dog.

“Fuck!!”, came a loud bellow from Fox. He opened a manhole leading to a lower level and whatever it was he wanted to see he wasn’t seeing.

“What…!!!”, said Human, who didn’t see the problem. “Don’t you see human, it’s not fucking here… no of course you don’t, humans don’t see shit”, Fox said pacing back and forth lightly tapping the butt on his gun on his forehead as if that would spark an idea. As if struck with glorious inspiration he turned to the parrot, who was just standing next to their potential exit.

“I’ll take the deal, ok, I’ll take it”, Fox said urgently. “Excellent”, the parrot replied with absolutely no urgency in his voice. “I’ll need blood…”, said the parrot who was interrupted by shots fired. Fox bit his own hand with sharp teeth that were in no way ornamental. “Here… fuckin’ here you dumb fuckin bird”, said Fox. “You pledge yourself to her majesty then?”. “Fine fine, whatever”.

Dog leaned on the wall and got a bit of cover. He let his rifle sing. He popped off shots at the angry pigs, holding them at bay. “You next”, said Dog to Human. Fox lowered himself into the manhole. When Human looked down Fox had completely vanished. “Where the fuck did he go, where the fuck are you sending me?”, Human demanded.

“We ain’t got time man”, said Dog returning fire. A stray bullet hit Dog in the chest. He slumped but reloaded, the adrenaline wouldn’t let him die… not just yet at least.

“Bird… hey bird”, said Dog while chambering a round.

“Yes”.

“One admittance, one pledge of fealty?”.

“Yes”.

“That’s binding right”, clarified Dog while open firing down a passageway that was steadily becoming more and more busy.

“Yes”.

“That’s, your word bird?”.

“Yes, that is my word”, the parrot said, moving his wing to mock the gesture of scout's honor.

Dog slumped down on the drab gray tunnel brick to a seated position, death dragging him down whether his body wanted it or not, adrenaline be damned. He put his finger in the blood of his bullet wound, “I pledge my fealty to her majesty”, he said in weak gasps. “Seems like it’s on you now Human”, said the bird. “No it isn’t, one pass one subject. He goes in my place”, said Dog. “I wrote your ticket man, just go, they can’t touch you… just don’t agree to shit…”.

Dog stood on wobbly legs. “They can’t touch you”, Dog spoke before he began to run down the hallway into what was certain death. “No, fuck it, I’ll do it”, Human said. “Now you won’t have to, I’m sorry I pulled you into this… for Finn”, said Dog as he charged down the hallway.

Dog stayed standing after the first 2 shots, but he began to teeter after the 3rd, 4th, and 5th. Human didn't watch his friend end it all because he was losing him time, and essentially assuring that he died for nothing.

“Brave dog, they’re always more loyal than smart”, said the parrot. Human wanted to say fuck you to the bird, but their was no time. Whatever Dog was, he laid down his life for him, and in the end was still his best friend whatever he was.

Human disappeared down the ladder.