You're Just So Intolerant

Content warning: this story contains allergens!

"I've thought about it, and it's chocolate."

"Well that sounds good to me. Thought about what?"

"What you asked me earlier. Chocolate, it's a universal panacea."

"I didn't ask 'what?' is a universal panacea. I asked 'what is?' a universal panacea. It's all in the inflection and the emphasis."

"Oh, well you obviously inflected in the wrong place. That's so you. Nice pyjamas by the way. Are you comfy?"

"Yes, thanks. I could have slept on the air-bed, I didn't mind. I like your jimjams too, cute little bears. So what is it then?"

"I'm so glad you asked. It's the cure for all ills. Everything. Pain, sorrow, illness, World War III, the lot. I thought about it for a couple of hours and it's definitely chocolate."

"Erm, does the United Nations know about this? Or the World Health Organisation? Hmm, Hang on, Kim Jong, don't invade anyone today, have a bit of chocolate. Don't get your Covid 27 jab, have a bit of chocolate instead. Do you really think chocolate solves everything?"

"Well, it does for me. Remember when I scraped my first car? I cried for a week but KitKat got me through it. And when Dan left, it was M&M's."

"You sobbed and snorted in the bag. It was disgusting."

"I still ate them. It made me realise I loved M&M's more than I loved Dan. He tried to come back, but I was stronger then. And he brought flowers from a petrol station."

"Cheapskate! That's hardly universal though, is it? Just you, and… were they the peanut ones? I mean, does that even count as chocolate? And why is it universal, and not a world panacea? What works on Earth might not do much on Jupiter. Or Alpha Centauri. Or the Crab Nebula. Do you want that pillow? I could do with another. Ow, you didn't need to throw it."

"It's good though, you've got to admit it. If someone, or something, did turn up from Orion's Belt, you'd give them a Crunchie. They'd love it and not invade Earth, because they're full of peace and joy and Cadbury's. It's the pheromones."

"I think you mean endorphins. What if it's Hersheys? Or Nestle? Ooh, or Belgian chocolate, like those little seahorses and seashells with praline in the middle?"

"Now you're just being pedantic. Mind you, I'd invade Earth for Belgian chocolate seashells with praline, or those hazelnut noisettes. What time do you have to go in the morning?"

"My train is at nine so set the alarm for seven, would you, please. Sorry that's early, but I'll have time for Coco-Pops before I go. Get my endorphins going. I'm not invading anywhere tomorrow,"

"Haha, you're good! But anyway I'm right, aren't I. Everyone loves chocolate."

"What if you're dairy or lactose intolerant?

"Really? Like 2 or 3 people?

"Forty two million, although most of them don't know it."

"You're blowing my mind. They still love chocolate though."

"Endorphinately."

"I hate you."

"You'll miss me when I'm gone.

"I'm ignoring that. Okay, so it's a universal panacea for everyone who isn't dairy or lactose intolerant."

"Or diabetic."

"I'm starting to remember why I left home."

"Or gluten-free."

"Oh come on! A little bit won't hurt."

"Don't go there! I was sick for a fortnight last time."

"There's no gluten in chocolate. Is mum picking you up from the station? I have a birthday present for her if you'd take it."

"You don't read labels do you? Think about the KitKat. Yes, I can take it. What is it, chocolate?"

"Funny. Okay, so we're settled. Chocolate is a universal panacea for anyone who isn't diabetic, or dairy, lactose or gluten intolerant. Are you happy now?"

"You're forgetting soya. It's an allergen."

"What? Are you kidding? There's soya in chocolate? So far as I'm concerned, chocolate is the answer to 'life, the universe and everything,' not 42. Douglas Adams just had the wrong computer program running."

"But the best punchlines."

"I can't believe we're arguing over this."

"Who's arguing? You said chocolate, and I just pointed out you were wrong."

"Yep, you love doing that."

"I'm your sister. You should know by now, it's compulsory. You'll miss me when I'm gone."

"I'm still ignoring that. Why did you ask anyway? It's not your usual dinner table conversation. It's usually strange things."

"You mean, Stranger Things."

"I know what I meant."

"Gee thanks! Dad said to mum, 'wine is a universal panacea,' I wondered what he meant."

"Wine? What's he talking about? Was he drunk? There's sulphites in wine. And hangovers. And what about the Baptists? Or the population of Yemen?"

"Yemen? We went to see that film, Salmon Fishing in The Yemen."

"I know. You ate my popcorn and drooled over Ewan McGregor. Yemenis don't drink alcohol."

"Oh God!"

"Nope, forget God, there's been too many religious wars. Religion always kills someone."

"I wasn't suggesting God as a universal panacea, I was drooling over Ewan McGregor again. Although God is more universal than chocolate, I guess. Stop pulling faces. What's your beef?"

"No good. You've just alienated the vegans, vegetarians, and pescetarians. And probably a few sagittarians. "

"That's part man, part horse, not cow. You're nuts!"

"Nuts? They're an allergen, and a choking hazard. You can't open a bag of peanuts on a plane anymore, not if there's a passenger with allergies. Did you know?"

"Pfft. I'm going to choke you, in a minute! Or smother you with this pillow. Or let the air out of that mattress."

"Tough guy. Says, who?"

"Sesame."

"Hahaha, do you fancy a hot chocolate drink before you go to sleep? And yes, sweetie, I will miss you when you're gone."

"Sleep, that's it! That's the universal panacea. Everyone sleeps, and like Mum says, 'it always looks better in the morning.' Go tell the world."

"Not if you've got sleep apnea. Ow, no, get off, get off."

"Night sis. Thanks for letting me stay."

"zzzzzzzzzzzzz"