LGBT and Scared!

My last first day of Middle School, dreading each moment, each minute, and each second of 8th grade. Hi, I'm Jenny and you must be wondering why I'm not overly excited like the rest of my class. Well, can I let you in on a secret? I'm actually a twin. And no that is not why I'm worried! My twin, Bradley, and I have kept secrets between each other practically since we were in the womb. I can't begin to express how close we are. We are inseparable. Literally. We exchange clothes and gossip with one another about our recent crushes at school, but we can not tell anyone about our conversations, or we would get bullied shamelessly so we keep to ourselves and remain happy. Recently, my mom volunteered for the student exchange program here in Chicago and before you knew it, we had a teenage boy going to the eighth grade with us! Do you see my dilemma, our dilemma? It's simple, you see, since we were around the age of ten we would wear each other's clothing and he would steal my dolls as I had no interest in them while I stole his Turbo Master 3000! It may seem silly to you, but not to us. We began easing into the conversations over the year and by the age of 11 the words "I'm gay." slipped from our mouths. We have grown up in a Christian household our entire lives. Crosses hung, bibles have decorations, we even went to church not every Sunday, but every Sunday and Wednesday! If our mom ever found out we would be endgame. We went on for weeks, keeping our secret from the foreign exchange student, Jack. Suddenly Bradley and I started drifting apart, we made sure we didn't speak to each other about anything and I grew even sadder each day. At school, I had no friends as I thought Bradley, would be best friends through it all, but not this. He began dressing very masculine, playing basketball and football, dating girls and let me tell you he became very popular very quickly. He even moved out of our room to be with Jack! I did not know what to think, if it was an act or if he really enjoyed this. I could not help, but wonder if he lied to me all this time or if I was holding him back from being his true self. Weeks, then months went by and he grew even closer with Jack. I went into a phase where I felt depressed all the time and if Bradley could change maybe I could too. I saved up all the money I received and went shopping. I bought lip gloss, lots of makeup, even skirts and tight dresses that would essentially show off my figure because that's what guys liked apparently. I thought this was ridiculous, but it's the social norm and I wanted to fit in so badly. I got so many compliments on my new look and people wanted to be my friend. I was really happy and excited about what was next. Until the girls started asking what guy I thought was the hottest or what boy I was taking to formal this year. I was scared and I couldn't answer, so I hid from them each day I went to school. I snuck out of the cafeterias to eat in the school basement, during class I sat in the very back with my head down and even began walking home to avoid confrontation from any and all. I stopped eating and eventually started becoming extremely underweight. No one noticed, so it just became something I thought was normal. Until I began crying in the mirror as I could see my rib cage while getting dressed or even my pointy spine. I was so disgusted with myself and even the world around me. I wore baggy clothing to school to cover the fact that I was underweight. Each night I looked in the mirror at my insecurities and reminiscing about everything I could've been if I weren't Christian. I began to be scared of my own religion and that something I never thought would be possible, but it was. Another month passes and eventually, I felt so bad all the time that I hid from others even when Jack came around. I hid in my closet to avoid him seeing my red eyes and the bulging vein on my neck that popped out every time I cried. At school it escalated even more where I would not only hide in the basement or sit in the back of the class, I would just skip class and hide in the bathroom until the end of the day because I knew faculty wasn't allowed in. My mom began to tell me how she received calls from the school when I got home. The principal spoke on how I never showed up to any classes or school, but of course, my mom couldn't believe it! She dropped me off in the morning and watched Bradley, Jack and I enter each day. The principal proceeds to say that I don't go to lunch either or how my appearance changed drastically. I suddenly felt as if I had a stalker or if someone was watching my every move! I broke down on my mother's lap and I eventually decided it was time. I was turning 14 in a couple days and wanted no more than to just be happy with myself and be confident with my appearance. I brought my mom to her room, and said "We have to talk." A frightened look took her face and my heart sank before I even could tell her. I decided to move forward with it anyway. I began explaining how I disliked feminine products, such as dresses, makeup, curling, and straightening irons. Silly things, yet they made me feel so bad inside when I used them. I worried she thought I was ungrateful, but still I told her. I tell her, I didn't enjoy the thought of her thinking I should marry a guy instead I liked females. The look in her eyes, made me feel as though this was it. I couldn't even explain the disappointment that her face was showing me., but the words she said didn't match her expression at all. Her words exactly, "You should have told me. I could tell something was up, but again I assumed it was teenage drama as usual." She then begins explaining how this didn't follow what we believed in and a tear fell from my watery eyes, she wiped it and said: "I love you." My mom did not want me to tell the rest of the family as she was disappointed, but I knew she was trying her best to love her daughter and I was exceedingly proud of her. She took me to the store to buy clothing and accessories that made me feel amazing. I bought loads of graphic tees and sweats, she even let me buy a button-up shirt for special occasions! Wow! If only you could see the excitement building up in me. I began wearing the outfits to school and I got a lot of stares and comments, but I did not care because I felt unstoppable! I even convinced my mom to get an undercut but under one condition. I had to wear my hair down in public and with other members of our family. It wasn't the fantasy I dreamed of but at least I felt good. My birthday rolls around and I'm really excited to turn 14 with Bradley, but my mom did invite a bunch of friends and my aunts, uncles, cousins, and more. Before the party started, I put on my dress, curled my hair, and put on my makeup. I only felt like I was moving backward in life and it took everything in me to greet everyone. Of course, Bradley didn't say anything because he knew we couldn't speak about it, since Jack and everyone else was present. After I blew out my candles and made my wishes I ran to my room and cried until everyone left. Bradley came to my room and sat there watching all the makeup run down my face as the tears removed it. Then he begins to speak. I'm so aggravated with all the pain and sadness I felt when I needed him most, but felt relieved that my brother was back. Bradley says he's realized he's changed on the outside, but he is the same person and he always will be. Jack enters the room and Bradley jumps up frantically and leaves and betrayal hits me in the face, but I knew he just wanted to protect himself from shame. Jack didn't return home to Japan until the end of the school year which is approximately two months away. I felt sorry for Bradley that he had to hide just to feel good. In the end, I am very pleased with myself that I was able to come out to my mom and I have a long journey to go, and so does Bradley but that is his story to tell, and I'm just starting mine!