A Simple Twist of Fate

 Melbourne O’Day doesn’t like people. He goes out of his way to avoid them. It angers him that he has to deal with such fools but must work to pay his bills. Melbourne is the manager of a hamburger restaurant, where the employee turnover is tremendous. Everyone he hires quits a few weeks later. The hamburger has been voted the best in town for six years, so the constant flow of new employees doesn’t seem to affect business. As a result, the spot on the wall for employee of the month is always vacant.

The only woman in his shallow life was his mother. People say she was even nastier and more detestable than Melbourne. When she was rushed to the hospital, Melbourne waited until his shift ended to go and see her. When he arrived, the doctor apologized and said she had died of heart failure. Melbourne frowned, “It figures. Send her to the funeral home, tell them to do what they must do, and send me the bill. Also, tell them there will be no wake.” He went to work the next day as if nothing had happened.

Neither has Melbourne ever had a girlfriend. “I have no use for love.” Something he’ll often declare if someone asks him about it. “Women are just people, and I don’t like people. Women ask a lot of questions. They need to know everything!  And they’re too expensive! They like to go out to eat and always want to shop. They like jewelry—preferably gold and diamonds. So, no, I don’t want to be involved with women. I’m happier by myself.”

And so he is. Because he doesn’t like people, Melbourne doesn’t own a TV, computer, or iPhone.  Instead, he reads nature books and listens to classical music. Instrumentals only. He often says that if he were rich, he would build a house in the middle of a jungle and live with the animals.  People wonder if Melbourne died and went to hell if he would be upset because he’s not the only one there!

                                                          …

Melbourne has spent the day barking at his workers and is about to leave. He smiles while remembering how he made that young girl cry and threw her paper hat on the grill, setting it on fire. “Ahh, one less person to deal with tomorrow.” The idea pleases him so much that he hums a little tune as he locks up for the night.

He gets into his old Volkswagon beetle and inserts the key into the ignition when, suddenly, a person materializes in the passenger seat. Unfrazzed, Melbourne turns to the stranger. 

           “Who are you?”

“I’m you.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you are not. Nature wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.  Get out.”

 The stranger can’t believe what he’s just heard! “I don’t believe this!” he exclaims slack-jawed.  “ I materialize from thin air, look like you- a carbon copy by the way- and you tell me to get out of your car!?!”

“Damn right. Get out.” Melbourne starts the engine.

“Aren’t you afraid or full of wonder as to who I am? Why I’m here? Don’t you think this whole thing is strange and needs answers?” huffs the stranger.

“No. All I do know is that you are in my car. That makes you another person, and I don’t like people. I have no interest in knowing anything about them. If you are “me,” you should know I haven’t any interest in you or why you are here. I want you to leave, for I have to go home. Now!”

“Listen to me!”

“Why?”

“Because!  I’m from the future!  I’ve been sent back to warn you of a great disaster that will occur to our planet due to your son!” Melbourne, number two, slumps in his seat breathless.

“Well, there you go.  You’ve got the wrong “me.” I don’t have a wife and never will. That’s reason number one. If I don’t have a wife, I have no son. That’s reason number two. I’ve already explained the third reason, but I will repeat it for you. I don’t like people, and a wife and kid are people. So, there you are. Now get out.”

“You’re wrong, you’re wrong! Just because you don’t have a wife now doesn’t mean you won’t ever have one! I live in an alternate universe where everything is the same as here, only about fifty years ahead. I couldn’t stop my son because I was unaware of his involvement with a terrorist cult. He went on to negatively affect the climate and caused disaster for the planet. So when we learned of your universe, it was decided I should be sent through a wormhole to warn you. It is imperative that you stop your son so disaster can’t happen in my universe, see?” With waning hope in his eyes, Melbourne two smiles weakly.

Melbourne pauses. He looks up at the windshield’s top edge and traces it with his eyes. Then, protruding his bottom lip, he shakes his head. “I’ll never have a son. Problem solved.”

“NO!” Melbourne two shouts. “You can’t say you’ll never have a son. It’s a matter of fate! Do you know the definition of fate? Fate is the development of events beyond a person’s control, determined by a supernatural power. That means that at some point, you will have a son. That’s Fate!”

Melbourne raises an eyebrow, “Hmm, now, stay with me for a moment and see if you can follow my thinking on this. A supernatural power that seems to be able to override our will would seem to have its influence.  This supernatural power, usually called God, gave man a free choice to choose as he wished. If fate can alter that will, then who does this influence belong to, God or Satan? In either case, it doesn’t sound like I’m the one you should be talking to. You’d better get in touch with God or the other guy, you know who.”

Melbourne two pales, and his mouth slowly drops open.

“By the way, there’s something else you need to know. When I was a child, I had an incident with the monkey bars in my elementary school yard. I fell and landed on one of the cross bars square between my legs. The doctor told my mother that I would never have children. So, crawl back into your little wormhole, return to your world, and figure out a different excuse for what went wrong. I have to get home to Master Meow-shan. He is waiting for his dinner. Now, get out of my car, you dumb shit! 

Melbourne two’s shoulders slump as he steps onto the curbside.

Melbourne snickers, “Oh, by the way. Fate is resourceful in finding quick and clever ways to overcome difficulties! However, it does not always provide the correct outcome. Fate can be twisted depending on which supernatural power is dealing it out.

 He puts the car in gear and drives home to Master Meow-shan and then to bed. 

When Melbourne pulls into his driveway, his headlights illuminate something on his front step. He opens the garage door, leaving the VW running while he steps inside to retrieve a flashlight. Approaching the front door, the turns on the flashlight and sees a basket with a blanket inside.He thinks, "What the hell is this all about?" He pulls the blanket to one side to reveal an infant with a note attached to it. It reads: "Please take care of my baby boy. I am penniless and homeless and can't provide for him. Please raise him as your own and love him for me." Signed, "His heartbroken mother." Melbourne looks down on the sweet little fellow's face, a face so much like an angel's. "Uh, it seems like fate is forcing someone's supernatural power on me. I suppose it is an opportunity for me to have a son. I could raise it to be what I think a human should be-kind, considerate, loving. Melbourne takes a hard look at the child, "Nope! It ain't gonna happen!" He grabs the wicker handle and races across the yard to the neighbors' house, leaving the little bundle on their step. After ringing the doorbell, he scoots back into his own yard, drives the car into the garage, and closes the door. When he enters the kitchen, he is greeted by Master Meow-shan, yowling away. Oh, I know my little baby is hungry. Well, let's make him happy, shall we." Melbourne opens a very expensie tin of cat food and scoops it into a cut-glass bowl. While Master Meow-shan nums away at his food, Melborne chuckles. "You'll never guess what some fool left on our doorstep tonight." and continues to tell the cat the most amusing story.