And the Martians are going to pay for it!

The command deck was empty when I entered, rushing through and slamming my hand down on the door close button. 

It whooshed shut behind me, leaving the whole room in an eerie darkness only broken by the mass of buttons and blinking screens. The huge, seamless window into the stars gave me an immediate ‘fish out of water’ surge of loneliness as I examined them. So many stars, some bright and some dull, with swirls and mists of colour breaking up the darkness, leaving me bathed in the dim light of the open sky.

The glow wasn’t like being on earth underneath the rising sun or bright moon. It was cold, unfeeling. Alien. Like them. 

I heard the door open and groaned at the offensive clicking of heels approaching me.

 “No alien is going to come aboard this ship on my watch!” I fumed, pacing back and forth across the command-deck. My boots clicked with each step and then noisily peeled away from the tacky linoleum. 

Click, shlurp, click, shlurp, click, shlurp. 

“But Captain,” Silena said, after sitting down on her chair, folding her legs and taking a deep breath. “The trade delegation from Mars will dock within the hour.” 

I turned to glare at her and stopped pacing with my arms folded across my chest. Her uniform was fitted and pressed, signifying her as one of the command staff, though a bit pointless with a crew of only two. Between her glasses, clipboard and sandals everything matched and screamed sophistication. I puffed out my chest and waved my hand dismissively. “Says who?” 

“Says me.” She had a little smirk on her lips, and started tapping the edge of her pen on the clipboard. Tap, tap, tap. She knew I hated it. 

“I will fire you,” I warned. “Don’t tempt me.” 

“I will accept,” she replied. “Don’t tempt me.” 

I didn’t. “But I don’t have anything to wear. And the Martians are all so uncultured. They don’t even know what telephones are!” 

“Some of them do,” she countered. “And the deal that was made is very important to you, and to me. You know that.” 

I cursed, loosening the neck of my uniform. Why didn’t it fit right? Had I put on weight in the last day? My cheek felt like sandpaper, did I have time to shave? 

“No!” I walked towards my Captain’s chair and sat down, moving my stubby fingers over the screen in a pattern to bring up our schedule. “I refuse to deal with these savages. Martians are always expecting something, always asking and taking. Bringing their stupid big heads and creepy fingers around, mind-controlling me.” 

Silena laughed and leaned forward in her chair. “I’m sure the Martian Ambassador would love to hear that. Should I tweet it to him?” 

“Sure,” I paused my scheduling long enough to give her a long, even glance. “If only the internet worked right up here. Yet another reason to just leave and go back to bloody earth!” 

“You know the trade talks will only take one evening. The delegation are coming all this way and you’re being petulant. It’s only a few Martians.” 

“That’s the point!” I roared, leaping up from my chair and hurtling towards her. “It’s just a few Martians now, but soon they’ll be trying to come back to Earth with us. Then it’ll be needing some of our food, water, medicines.” 

“God-forbid!” She gasped, covering her mouth with her giant hand in shock. 

“I know!” I nodded furiously. “Then they’ll want their families to come and-“ 

I paused, letting my hands drop to my sides. My lip hurt from how hard I chomped down on it after a moment of pause. 

Silena was still sitting on the chair with her clipboard, only now I noticed that her slightly blue fingers were long enough to wrap around a sheet of A4 paper. Long ways. 

I gulped, taking my gaze higher up to look into her big, orange eyes. She was gorgeous - truly. I’d spent a fair amount of time looking and trying not to look at her beautiful face. Long enough that by now I didn’t see her head as being twice as big as mine. Her orange eyes were just hers - they didn’t look Martian. 

“I’m sorry,” I deflated. “I didn’t mean you, you’re different.” She said nothing. “I should shave.” 

She nodded, then sat forward and started re-arranging the schedule I’d just screwed up. “Be back in thirty minutes.” 

It was the quickest half-hour of my life as I floated my way along the corridor and got undressed. Shaving on a spaceship takes a lot more effort, as does pretty much everything else, at least until we master the old artificial-gravity in more than just the main command-room. 

I made sure to straighten up my office - I’ve got the important earth flags all crinkle-free and standing up mid-action with the lack of gravity to pull them down. The rest of the room is decorated with IKEA shelves full of gold trophies that make me look impressive and there are certificates on the wall for things I did twenty years ago. 

Martians will eat this stuff up, I told myself. They’ll look at us humans in awe and beg for our resources and favour. 

“Ready?” Silena asked, as I rushed into the transport dock atrium. She was in a beautiful human-style pink dress that showed off the protrusions of her backbones and the strangely alluring angular hips I’d fallen in love with. Her long toes were neatly fitted into the custom human-made sandals I’d imported from Earth for the occasion. Showing off the high quality human workmanship was important at this event, even if she wouldn’t have to actually walk very far in them.

“You look beautiful,” I said, swimming up to kiss her. “I’m sorry I was an ass. I’m just nervous.” 

She put one of her fingers across my lips and then leaned down to kiss me. “It’s alright, you’re only human.” 

With that, we turned and saw the dock door slide open with a crunch, atmosphere bursting in from the other side in a bright cloud of yellow smoke. We both crashed to the ground as gravity spread through the air and dragged us down. She was ready and landed gracefully where I was sent sprawling. 

I groaned, picking myself up and dusting off the dirt I’d collected during my fall. 

On the other side of our sturdy, simply designed ship was an entrance into the Martian delegation’s craft. It was immediately clear that their ship was better. It was clean, every line sharp and covered with symbols and patterns glittered in the fluorescent lights. 

Silena took my hand and led me through the door onto the Martian ship, where I noticed the higher ceilings and more decorative style throughout. It twisted and turned for a while, until eventually she brought me into a luxurious space reminiscent of a space-opera ballroom. At the centre, a table was full of what I assumed to be food and drinks. 

“Here,” she whispered, leading me further in. “Captain, this is Jusoia and Si’Ieas.” 

“Ambassadors,” I greeted them both separately with a firm but stiff handshake. Good. They knew what a handshake was! Then, Silena’s face warped from professional into a huge grin.

“Mum, dad,” Silena gushed, dropping my hand and rushing to hug the two ambassadors, “I’m so happy to see you.” 

I took the opportunity to snoop on their room whilst the three caught up. It was all very fancy, for sure, but I would bet that it wouldn’t stand up to real abuse like the strong earth workmanship. Their food tasted bloody amazing, but it wouldn’t have the sort of nutrition I was used to. 

Silena’s mum and dad invited us to sit down at the table together and I obliged, growing more uncomfortable as they tucked in using whatever implements passed for a knife and fork. They didn’t fit my hands properly, and I spilt a whole bowl of a strange Martian food on my uniform. 

“Crap,” I grunted, pushing my chair away and standing up. “I’ll need to go back to my ship and change. You people need to learn how to make better cutlery.” 

Silena’s mum showed me back to the ship, which gave me enough time to explain to her how we would be able to do this decoration stuff better on earth. I tried to be objective, expressing how the humans were unparalleled in their ingenuity and passion for science. 

“I’ll be right back,” I vowed, but as the artificial-gravity they’d shared only extended so far, I had to make do with floating to my room and it took longer than I expected. 

With a new uniform on and my hair spruced up, I swam through the corridor back towards the dock. To get there, I had to pass the command-room with its huge window still shining bright and clear enough that I could see all the way into space.

In the distance, bright against the backdrop of stars was a large gold ship, flying away from me. 

It took me a few moments of floating there in the corridor before I recognised it as the Martian delegation’s ship, speeding away. 

“Silena?” I cursed, swimming as fast as I could down the corridor towards the dock. 

The door was closed and they’d taken their gravity with them. All that was left was a small slip of paper with some uneven words scrawled across it, stuck to the dock door. 

Captain- We’ve taken our daughter to our palace on one of the rings of Saturn. If and when you’ve got the knowledge to find her and the technology to get here, you’ll have proved your worth and may marry her.

Then it listed a bunch of co-ordinates that I’d never be able to work out. 

“It’s their loss,” I told myself, slowly floating my way back up to the command room alone. “They’d only take advantage anyway.”

Then I keyed in the coordinates for home and pressed the button, watching as the stars in the sky melded together and then exploded, hurtling me back towards our incredible little planet. 

I hadn’t managed more than half way when the ship shook violently and then stopped, now only veering very slowly in the completely wrong direction. It was then that I noticed the post-it note I’d left stuck to my console.

REMEMBER TO GET FUEL OFF THOSE THIEVING BLOODY MARTIANS