The Gnome

What do you do when you want to get away from it all?

Take a cruise!

Yes, you take a cruise to get away from all the stress and nonsense of your daily life, like that neighbour who hates what you have added to your own home (the one that is fully paid for and owned by you). You are proud of the aluminum siding, the flamingos (only three), and the decorations that are seasonal and tasteful. But most of all, you are proud of Norman; your Norm.

It is your tasteful and special garden gnome…whom you could not stand to leave behind.

*

What do you do when people make faces and wonder why a grown man and lifelong bachelor would take a garden gnome on a cruise ship?

Ignore them!

Clearly, there are plenty of couples on board up to all sorts of deviousness who just like to stir up trouble. None of the regular crew has given you any side-eyed reactions or told you it had to be put into storage. They seem to have accepted that this is your companion, and that he deserves respect. Perhaps leaving him in your cabin is the right option, but why bother with the opinions of people who would not understand even if they could see your home?

Bring him out for all those prying eyes to see!

*

What activities do you take part in while on board?

All of them!

The cruise ship offers almost everything that you could find in a private resort…and then some. There are the expected games of shuffleboard (very intimidating with Norman staring them down), bingo and blackjack. But there are also dances, pilates, yoga classes, meet and greets with the crew (the captain and first mate seem oddly interested in your gnome; maybe they own one of their own – can you ever really own one?). The only events you are really interested in are the ones where you can sit with Norman and not have to worry about any other problems or issues in your life (and they do exist, don’t they?). The bingo and card games seem fine…until you meet her.

Gloria…

*

How do you approach a woman on a cruise ship who does not mind that you brought along a garden gnome?

With courage, son!

Gloria is very single, very divorced, and very beautiful, so there really is no trouble with you finding something to talk about. A lifelong bachelor can be a challenge for such a lady…but also a great sounding board on such a long trip on a boat filled with couples. You meet while walking at the front deck after a very successful round of shuffleboard (is gambling frowned upon here?). She is looking up at the beautiful day’s end and pointing out the stars that will soon appear. And she is holding a troll. Not a real one, just something that looks like it belongs on the end of a pencil. And when she sees you, she does not seem at all surprised by Norman and your close relationship. Her first words say it all:

“How long have you two known each other?”

*

How do you entertain a lady who has taken an interest in you and your garden gnome during a cruise?

You play your old games!

It is not strange for you to be with a lady of such experience. You have had plenty of women in your life as a bachelor, and Gloria has had plenty of experience as well, both in and out of marriage (perhaps those were the reasons why she was in and out of so many of them). One husband was a very wealthy man who barely noticed her until the divorce; another was a lawyer and a real creep who cheated on her with at least two of her friends (“That I know of…”); the last was the most interesting one to you. He died of natural causes after naturally getting too excited one night and having his heart decide that the party was over. Interestingly enough, he was a ship’s captain. This intrigues you and you cannot help but ask if that is the reason why she is here. Her answer stays with you:

“I never miss a chance to be out on the open water.”

*

What do you do when you are a bachelor in danger of falling in love?

You fall in love!

Gloria, like any of the old clichés you’ve heard, is not like other women. She can dance better than the instructors, or even stretch further than anyone in the yoga or Pilates lessons. She is a fantastic shuffleboard player, terrifying all competition and winning a bit of spare change on the side (gambling really isn’t a problem). She does not drink too much or eat too much, but she enjoys a good meal (not bad specials on the boat), and her fashion sense makes her stand out. She is perfect in your eyes.

But what about Norman?

*

What do you do with a garden gnome that is not always comfortable around a new lady?

You sit down and have a very long talk!

Now, this has to take place in your own private cabin (even Gloria or the patient crew members you met would not understand). You have had other moments like this with Norman, but now the conversations are becoming more and more one-sided. Yes, she is a beautiful woman, but haven’t you had your share of them already? Yes, it is a fantastic cruise, but what if it turns out that we have inclement weather, face food or water shortages, or are kidnapped by pirates (we are in the Caribbean)? And, yes, Gloria has told you a lot about herself… But are you ready to tell her everything about your life? Are you ready to share to great secret you and me are carrying on board this ship? You have no response to this, and can only look at Norm with admiration. Maybe he does have a point about what this relationship can be. Maybe there are some secrets he cannot share.

But maybe…Gloria might understand.

Just maybe.

*

What do you do late at night on a cruise ship when your heart is in conflict with your mind?

You let the battle commence!

It is a beautiful night when you step on the deck and decide to think carefully about what to do next. Norman is with you, but he is in a stroller, so the few people around don’t hassle you (you wonder why they keep mentioning “Amelie” and some show called “Gravity Falls”, but don’t ask for more information). And when the moon is clear and you are all alone, you let Norman have it. You have been alone for so long for so many reasons, and this vacation is a way to get away from all the problems in their lives (in both of their lives). They need this and will have to trust someone eventually as this all blows over. No one can see you yelling into the stroller and that is probably a good thing. And the quiet has allowed you to make up your mind.

And you will talk to Gloria.

*

What do you do when you want to share your feelings while moving on deck with a garden gnome?

You wait for the woman you love to appear!

Surprise...Gloria is there, walking toward you under the moonlight, and the various patio lanterns set up in a trail overhead, adding to the stars and beautiful setting for your talk. Well, more of a conversation, you hope. She is surprised to see you, clutching her chest for a moment with a clutch purse in hand. You look around very quickly and see that this is probably the best moment to share how you really feel. You let it all come out: the house and the flamingos; the time spent saving for this trip; the real reason why you took Norman with you. And how you feel about her. You are almost crying as you let the truth set you free. And she is crying, too. And smiling. And then she opens her purse.

She has a gun.

*

What do you do when you confess the truth to the one you have fallen love with and realize that you have made a huge mistake?

You try to control the situation!

“I don't understand.”

Your hands are up, well before she tells you to raise them. She tells you that she has been tracking you for a very long time and that she is willing to just let this all blow over if you hand over Norman and forget about this. Norman is staring up at you from the stroller, smiling happily from beneath his red cap and shining in the light of the scene. Not like he could give an opinion, anyway. But you agree to hand him over…at first. There is something that you know about this ship. There are crew who are in charge of security and they will appear on deck in predictable intervals…starting now. A shout hurts your left ear as you turn and see a man in his uniform running towards you and a bullet passes by your right ear, almost deafening you. As she is knocked to the ground, you also fall backwards, kicking the stroller up and over the ship’s port side, disappearing into the darkness, taking Norman into the deep water.

You stare into the sea and cry.

*

What do you do if you are a garden gnome at the bottom of the sea with a deep secret?

You keep it to yourself!

One thing that your owner never revealed, not even to Gloria, was that he made you. You were not bought like those horrible flamingos he insisted on placing near you. You were put together with care and time, and he added a little something extra inside of you. This was probably a good idea. A flash drive with all of that information could be easily lost or found by anyone looking for it in that home. And you are sure that there are now people searching the house as you sink deeper and deeper into sand and rock. But that does not concern you anymore. You know that it may be a very long time before you are found and you actually miss that space. The sunlight and simple life were interesting and did not make you feel like things would change. The trip was a surprise, but you understood. You knew that he needed a break. All you can hope for is that you have finally found peace. It really is a beautiful view down here.

And it feels like home.