Drowning In Your Thoughts

Where I come from, you are completely alone with your thoughts. There is no one else in this world but you, or at least that’s what it feels like. Usually this is the part where I give you my backstory and tell you my name and stuff like that. This isn’t that kind of story, because backstories are overrated. I’m not gonna say my name  or anything about my life because with the way this story is going it really won’t matter much but, if it really means that much to you, then you can just call me Ace. I’ll keep this short, I live in a place called Rottingham with my mom and sister. Here in Rottingham we are all very special. We have been alive for a very long time because of our literal fountain of youth. Today is my 147th birthday, but like usual I am celebrating alone.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not entirely alone.”

“What about me?”

“Oh, right, I forgot to mention that where I come from we all get a little demon that lives in your head.”

“ I prefer the term, spirit.”

“ You can just call her Whisp.”

It's exhausting that I have had to live with that for 147 years and sadly you can’t get rid of them without getting rid of yourself. The “spirits” are kind of like our lifelines and connections to the fountain. Anyway, let’s start with my story.

“AHEM!”

“Ugh!”

“My bad, I meant our story.”

Drowning. Do you ever feel like the waves of life are just crashing against you and you can’t move,you can’t breathe. There’s nothing you can do because the more you try to swim, the harder the waves crash.I want to come up for a breath of fresh air but to do that I would have to say what’s on my mind and I can’t do that because in the end I would still lose. I would still sink to the bottom of the well of regret. There is no way out of this for me. To write a story isn’t about the way you write it or how you're telling it, it’s about whether or not you have the courage to tell your story and that’s just something I can’t afford. It all started with the people who constantly stripped  away my confidence so that I could become the person I am today. A nobody. The future is a nightmare.I don’t have enough bravery to go and get the things I want. So what can I do? Nothing, and I know I will do nothing because I don’t have the courage. Thou shy one shalt not be so humble. Why do I do this to myself? It feels like a million nails puncturing your skin all at once. It’s the feeling of grief, anxiety and guilt all at once. I feel it when I chew on the inside of my mouth so that I can bleed because I just need to know I can feel something. I wish I could just stand up for myself, but I’m afraid. Afraid of the feelings I will unpack and afraid of what I will lose and that I may not be strong enough to handle it. I will tell them when I have nothing to lose. 

“Why can’t I let myself be happy?” 

“Because you don’t deserve it.” 

“You don’t need nor deserve something as righteous as this common emotion.”

“ What does it mean to be a good person?”

“It means to be forgiving, I believe everyone deserves a second chance if they are really sorry.”

“What about you?”

“Do you think you deserve a second chance?”

“ No.”

“ Exactly because that’s who you are.”

“ You feel bad for serial killers.”

“They are really just misunderstood, they are still humans after all.”

“They have just lived a different life than us.”

“Usually I'm all about taking the high road but why is it so difficult?”

“Because you are not worthy.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do, for this Is the one thing I am to decide.”

“I wish you would stop and if not, end our misery because I can’t go on.”

“We are a problem.”

“I try so hard and for nothing because we both know we are at breaking point.” 

“Just trust me.”

 “Why don’t you trust?”

“You can't, can you?”

“ No I  just—.”

 “You just what?”

“You can’t trust because others don’t trust you.”

“ No! It’s because people keep HURTING ME!”

“So just GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

 ”I’m trapped in a sea of regret and I can’t swim or breathe because I  just sink to the bottom.”

“What does it mean to be good?” 

“To be kind and fair.”

“ Are you good?”

“ I think I am.”

“ But you are not fair.”

“ You are petty and like to hold grudges.”

“ That’s not true.”

“ I make amends with the people who have wronged me.”

“ You don’t make amends with all of them.”

“ What about your family?”

“ You disrespect them.”

“No, not all of them.”

“What about your sister?”

“Doesn’t she deserve better?”

“Well, sometimes.”

“Other times she is the only one to make me feel this way.”

“Why does she have to be nice then mean?”

“ I am mean because of you, the stranger that lives in my head has changed me for the worse.”

“You may like to blame me but we both know this is just who you are.”

“Sometimes I think, what did I do to deserve her sympathy?”

“ Then she says something like I’m a terrible person and I just can’t help but want to break down, thinking that she’s right.”

“ I know she’s not but I can understand why she thinks that because I have been nice to everyone but her.”

“ I don’t only care about my friends, I care about the kindness they have shown me.”

“ She should know that I don’t only care about me, because my sister said that I don’t even take care of myself.” 

“If I really cared about me, wouldn’t I try harder?”

“ I haven’t been the best to her and it takes one to know one.”

“ Why can’t I be nice?”

“ I want to be a good person.”

“ I thought I was good because I’m so forgiving.”

“ I was wrong.”

“I just let people walk all over me.”

“It hurts to say that.”

“ Wrong, I like to think I’m never wrong.”

“Something only a narcissist would say.”

“Shut up.”

“I am not a narcissist.”

“I just like for things to go my way.”

“Yeah, uh huh.”

“I can literally feel you rolling your eyes.”

“It’s only her words that I take to heart.”

“ I don’t care about anyone else’s opinion because it’s only her opinion that matters to me.”

“ She is my favorite living relative, but I keep getting a little bit tired of life.

“ Like you're not really happy but you don’t want to die?”

“ Exactly, that’s from one of my favorite songs.”

”How did you know?” 

“Because I’m you.”

“Oh,— right.”

“In this sea of regret,the water is filling up my lungs and I’m barely breathing.”

“Then why don’t you just let go?”

“No!”

”I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“My family— they.”

“They what?”

“You think they will miss you?”

“They don’t care about you.”

“Yes they do.”

“No they don’t.”

“YES!”

“NO!”

“SHUT UP!”

“Why, cause you know I'm right?”

“No, you’re wrong.”

“No, I’m right.”

“You’re selfish and a bad person.”

“ I SAID SHUT UP!”

“MAKE ME!”

“FINE!”

“What?”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“You’re lying, you’re crazy!”

“ You need me.”

“147 years and you’re bound to go a little crazy.”

“Happy birthday to me.”

“Goodbye Whisp.”

“Wai—.”