The Train to Success

You may find yourself wishing there were an easier way to gain success and riches. If you feel your resolve is strong and your heart is the pure unwavering kind, here is a simple step-by-step guide to find and board the Train to Success.

WARNING: FOLLOWING THE STEPS DETAILED WITHIN CARRIES RISK OF BODILY HARM AND EVEN DEATH. DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK

1)     First you must pack a suitcase. Fill it with symbols of the future you want and the things you are willing to trade for your wish. Pack for the holidays you never took. Pack the postcards and flight tickets from those you did. Those unpaid bills sitting neglected. The socks you need to replace but never quite bring yourself to throw away. A token of your first love. And finally, once you have gathered your offerings, place a written note on top of your wish detailing exactly how you want the products delivered to you (Those who rule the train, who you are going to petition, view success as a product, just like money or possessions).

2)     Leave the suitcase by your door; so that whenever you open it, the suitcase is in full view of the street. A flyer with a deal on discounted train tickets should arrive through you letterbox within the next month, if not, repeat step 1 but change all the contents except the note.

3)     Once the flyer arrives, go to your local train ticket booking site, create a random ticket, and use the discount code. It will automatically change the price to ‘FREE’, the departure time to ‘2:59am’, the destination to the same string of numbers as your discount code, and the station to an address near you in an area you’ve never frequented. Print your ticket (or if you have no access to a printer, write down your reference number on a sip of paper), you will need it once you reach the station.

4)     Upon arriving at the station go directly to the ticket office but wait outside the door and do not enter until ten minutes have passed from the moment you stepped out of the taxi.

5)     If you are unlucky, when you step inside the ticket office a young-looking couple will be talking with the ticketer. Step outside and wait another ten minutes, they are older than they look and twice as wrathful. Keep repeating this step until they are gone; do not worry, you will not miss the train. (If you should draw their attention, refrain from staring, you will find yourself noticing the extra finger on their hands or the too big teeth sitting uncomfortably in their mouths, do not let them know you have noticed. Just remain polite and excuse yourself to wait outside; if you do not, they will detain you and you will, at best, miss the train, or at worst, never leave the station.) Once they are gone, simply approach the ticketer and show them your ticket/reference number and they will give you a tag to place on your suitcase.

A sound like a firecracker startles you as smoke pours from under the engine of the train. An acrid smell follows the smoke, it burns your nose and throat, the sensation of peeling skin accompanying the pain. You run your tongue over the roof of your mouth but find the surface to be smooth. The smoke has left you unaffected...be grateful.

6)     When the train arrives, count the carriages. If there are thirteen, feel free to board. If you count more or less than 13, go home, today is not your day. If you decide to board anyway, you will find most seats occupied. Refer to step 7, on how to avoid any negative outcomes from this encounter.

7)     Sit in either the third carriage from the front or back and choose an aisle seat. Sitting in any other carriage will result in you never reaching the next station and being trapped on the train for eternity, fed to the engine to fuel its progression.

8)     If you choose a window seat, no matter how tempting it is or how many times ‘they’ call your name, do not look outside for the duration of the journey, no one who does ever comes back quite the same as before. Those who have, describe the view as being benevolently peaceful and will tell you they were glad to trade that that ‘something’ which made them for just a glance. This is a trap, looking outside, past those glass panes, is merely how ‘they’ infiltrate our world. (You need not worry if you choose an aisle seat, this danger seems to be contained to window seats only).

9)     If you are lucky, there will be no other passengers in the carriage. If you are incredibly unlucky, or have refused to follow steps 3 or 4, there will be other passengers on the train. Do not interact with any of them, but if they initiate an interaction with you and begin to ask questions, remain polite and repeatedly say “I have urgent business I must take care of” until they stop asking questions and tell you to go take care of your business. All seats will be taken except for one booth, there may or be a man in all grey sat in the booth, sit in the vacant aisle seat on the same side as the man (If the man is not present there is no need to be specific over your seating arrangements) and do not interact with him or look in his direction once you sit down. As you approach your seat he will smile at you, the skin around his mouth wrinkling back like an ill-fitting sheet, this may cause an intense feeling of revulsion to gather in your stomach and can even induce nausea, do not worry, this is normal. Once seated he will try to gain your attention with friendly filler conversation, becoming louder and more forceful as you do not respond. Continue to ignore him and he will eventually fall silent. You may see shapes and colours move on the edge of your vision. Do not turn to look, he hasn’t left but dropped his disguise, the sight of him will rob you of what strings of sanity you possess (and a few you don’t).

10) Place the Suitcase on the table directly in front of you with the handle facing away. This helps the process to flow quicker and prevents you from second guessing your offerings. (Confidence is key)

11) If you have any other bags with you other than the suitcase, place them on the seat beside you, in the aisle, or on the table. Never place your bags under the tables or on the shelf above out of your sight, you won’t get them back.

12) Stay in your seat and wait for the snack cart to come along. When it does, order any drink for yourself and a double expresso to place with the suitcase. If the man in Grey is sat next to you, order him a bottle of water, (it won’t change the outcome of your interview, but it may earn you some breathing room).

13) While you wait for your interviewer, you may hear your discount code announced as the name of the next station. This is a test, do not disembark but remain in your seat until your interviewer arrives.  This may happen several times and each time the appearance of the train will change, becoming more warped as time goes on (the length or shape of the carriage grows, the colours change, etc…). Do not worry and act as if nothing has changed; however, if all the other passengers suddenly turn to stare at you with too-wide grins, get off at the next stop and take everything you brought onto the train with you, including the suitcase (you do not want ‘them’ tracking you home), you’re wish is not being granted today.

A gentle tap accompanies the person sliding into the seat opposite you. They are dressed as one would for a business interview: fitted suit and pressed shirt, shiny shoes and runway hair.  Their eyes catch your attention, first blue, then red, then green, then pink, then yellow…the colours seem to bleed together if you look too long.

14) When your interviewer arrives, they will immediately ask you about your wish and yourself. Answer truthfully to all their questions, DO NOT LIE! THIS WILL BE SEEN AS FORFEITING YOUR WISH, but do not tell them the names of your family or friends (they will then claim them as part of the payment for your wish). If they attempt to pry into your relationships, simply say you do not have their permission to share the details.

15) If you have answered truthfully, they will stand and take the suitcase. Do not watch them leave, instead, stare at the seat they had occupied and listen. When you hear your station announced, named after your discount code, disembark and you will find yourself at your local train station.

16) Leave the station as quickly as possible. Do not look back at the train.

If you successfully complete these steps, enjoy your newfound success, but do not try to board the train again (it makes you look ungrateful and ‘they’ will react negatively).