The Passion of Jesus Malaika

                             Squint-eyed

In 1994, I joined a football club, City Prince FC, in Maracana Field, Olodi Apapa. Coach Michael's eyes were always droopy, with lids flapping at half mast, giving them that half-a-look appearance; so he took half a look at me and decided to make me a left full back, even though I was right-footed; his squint must have reversed the images in his view.

                           Identity Crisis

I wanted to be effective and efficient at my assigned position, so I started practicing, using only the left part of my body, soul, and spirit. I fondled eba with only my left hand, prayed on the left side of my bed, smiled by pulling up my left cheek, and kicked the ball with my left foot only, even at times when it was more sensible to use the right foot. I even gave up most of my human rights, only to realize there were no human lefts to replace them with. I was confused.

                           Curious

I had a teammate named Jesus Malaika; he was our substitute goal keeper. He was only fielded if Coach Michael suspected that a match would end in a penalty shootout. For some reason I could not understand, Jesus Malaika had blue eyes, just like the Jesus in that Jehovah's Witnesses Book of Bible Stories; his mother must have read more than her fair share of that book when she was pregnant with him.

But Jesus Malaika was a curious case; the only things he wasn't born with were holes through his hands and feet; I said 'the only things' because Jesus was born with long hair and the scars from the crown of thorns on his forehead. I'm serious; it was spooky, and none of us boys dared make fun of him; even in his absence we could only whisper to one another and would start feeling damned afterwards. We wondered what happened to his crown and his purple robe: did the nurses cast lots for them? Were there three wise men at his birth? His father worked in a bank, but whether as a carpenter, we couldn't tell. His mother's name was Mmeri, but my mum told Mama Saliu that the woman wasn't a virgin when she married Jesus Malaika’s father. How did my mum know?

"Mum, how do you know these things?"

"Qae, my dear, women know things that men don't think women know."

Did she know I sometimes took pieces of meat from the soup-pot, leaked them like lollypops, and put them back?

Did she know the chicken was not stolen that time, that I'd sold it?

Did she know that my dad and Jesus Malaika's mother were such good friends that she visited us when my mum traveled to the village?

                            Strategy

Jesus always saved City Prince FC from defeat, and the goal of our team was to drag the opponents into a penalty shootout. The opposing penalty kickers always seemed to play the balls in his direction, as if laying down penalty kick offerings at his feet. Maybe he hypnotized them with his blue eyes, or threatened not to forgive their sins if they scored against him. It was rumoured that some of the boys had heard him whispering to them, "Whoever amongst you is without sin, let him score the first goal." And sometimes, he'd even bend down and begin to write on the grass turf. Or maybe I'm thinking too much of him now, and imagining his history the way I've have loved it to be.

                      When Jesus Met Judas

Whenever the stakes were really high, Jesus Malaika would stand erect in the middle of the goal posts, spread out his arms, as if he was on the cross, and then hang his head limp just over his left shoulder. I'm serious. That always shocked everyone, even the crowds. We had such an occasion at a Catholic school once at Abeokuta, and the home team was awarded a penalty kick, and our number one goal keeper had been sent off for doing a Jet Li stunt on an opposing striker whose name was Judas.

The crowd was chanting,

 "Judas Wascariot! Pieces! Goal! Judas Wascariot! Pieces..."

The crowd died silent; Jesus Malaika had struck the crucifixion pose as soon as he got in-between the posts, and cried out in a loud voice,

"Eloi, Eloi, let me not say, 'Lamasabachthani?' "

Judas quickly responded,

"Ephratha!"

The crowd watched on. The silence got louder, the voices echoed, the stadium hollowed like a Greek amphitheater.

Jesus Malaika shouted back,

"Judas, you betray the son of Madu with a kick?"

Judas, unrelenting, said,

"Suffer it to be so!"

And the son of Madu said,

"What you have to do, do quickly."

Judas said, "Amen," turning to the crowd, raising his hands like a music conductor, and the crowd became an orchestra of chaos and supportive frenzy.

                            Songs

Cheers. Chants. Whistles. They all filled the air at once. Our bench feared, for Judas was the region’s best penalty kicker, and was popular, with such names as Thirty-One Piece and Wascariot and Man from Aceldama. When the tension became too much to bear, Coach Michael started to sing, 

"Only Jesus can save. Only Jesus can save. Halleluiah."

The rest of us joined in, and soon the crowd was divided, and a new song was born:

"Only Jesus can Judas, crucify! Only Jesus can Judas, crucify!"

The referee blew his whistle, and Judas rushed towards the ball, but Jesus Malaika would not change his pose. I could not bear to look, so I closed my eyes, and in my minds ears, I heard a commentator's commentary:

"Joseph of Arimathea had better get Jesus off the cross before the Sabbath; Judas is about to rip that veil behind him. In this clash of the J's, will Jesus save himself, and his pride, and his side from being pierced through? Or will Judas sell him for less than thirty pieces of silver this time, or thirty-one as the case is, and start a building construction on that bloody plot of Aceldama? We are skipping the epistles and jumping to Revelations, and may God forgive us for that; we don't have much time. Oh, would you look at Coach Michael..."

I opened my eyes, and Coachito was on his knees, and shouting,

"Jesus Malaika, son of David Madu Malaika, don't you care that we perish?!"

He'd bet a lot of money on winning this match, and was almost mad with fear, and in his melancholy, he began to shout this song in tears,

"Malaika! ig'egbumegbu, Malaika?"

And Judas struck the ball...