Laceration of the Heart

Have you ever wondered why I did that? When we ended it that night. Well, if you can just listen, I'll tell you everything. Then I swear you will understand, I'm not the one for you.

It all started last year. The chill of the air was fresh and crisp. I was out in town, craving a coffee. Why? Why did you have to approach me? It was in that rustic looking shop. So why? You stood out so much there. I walked through the doors and there you were. Sitting in that corner. The way the light glowed on your pale face was truly an incredible sight. It was obvious you were quite attractive. There were mutters and whispers across the room. I didn't even have that much attention for my looks. Matter of fact, I was a bit average looking. So why were you so smitten by me?After I ordered a warm cup and took a seat, your eyes looked in my direction. I admit, you did freak me out a bit. But the way you walked kept my eyes glued to you. I did not think of it much. It was just admiration for your looks. Our eyes met there, at that moment. I had my notebook out, jotting various things. You sat across from me so casually, like we were already friends or something. I swear, you had to be crazier than you looked. Not as crazy as I am. I'll be damned if you ever surpass me in that aspect.

"Yes?" I said clearly wondering what you could have wanted. Especially with a stranger. Your response surprised me more than anything, to be honest.

"Excuse me, I think I saw you on TV before. Aren't you like, I don't know, a popular guy?What are you doing looking so lonely here?" You said that so easily.

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that head of yours. It was astonishing how you didn't even ask about my job specifically. The only thing people ask me about is my work. They certainly do try to pry for info. You told me you wanted to be my friend. As odd as this sounds, I felt like I just couldn't say no. You told me you were interested in the career path I chose too! I thought maybe I could have made that happen for you. All I would have to do is convince a few people and help you learn the skill. I could have taught you but it didn't happen, did it? It's fine if you wanna blame it on me. It was my fault. We had a nice casual conversation there. That's rare for me, honestly. I had an enjoyable conversation for once.

After I left the shop, you surprised me yet again. You must have so much confidence. As I walked out, you quickly bursted out the doors. You stood in front of me, holding up your phone. To think, you asked me for my number. Honestly, you really are something. So we exchanged numbers and we parted ways. Later that night, I couldn't get you off my mind. Weird, huh. Some stranger, I just met, was stuck in my head. I didn't even know your name. Of course you knew mine. Why? What made you do that? When I thought of you, I guess a part of me wanted to start a connection with you. It does get lonely. A friend sounded nice. Was I scared? Scared I would get attached then hurt? That had to be why I didn't want you in my mind.

It was about two weeks after that day when I wasn't thinking of you. Through the week, I thought you forgot about me. Funny enough, on the day I was not thinking of you, I got a reminder that you still existed. You sent me a message when I was about to get off work.

It said, "Hey, what are you doing right now. You wanna go somewhere with me. I don't expect you to reply to this, honestly. Haha." You were so wrong. I held up my phone, staring at it for a minute. My nerves started up for some reason. I couldn't contain my excitement.

I replied with, "Where would you like to go. I have the time, so don't feel rushed." I felt oddly satisfied knowing you contacted me. I sat in my car for a minute, waiting for you to respond. While I waited, I was trying to calm myself down. Soon enough, I finally got a message from you.

"Wow, you actually replied! Great, then let's go to a restaurant and chat. Is that fine with you?"I looked down at my phone with a fuzzy feeling inside. I couldn't explain it, but you made me feel absolutely wonderful. I wanted to get closer to you. It was my chance to, after all. I looked up the place and was on my way. You sure do like some interesting places. While I drove there, I decided to try and sort out my emotional state. I couldn't believe making a friend came easily like that. If it wasn't for you, it probably wouldn't be so easy.

When I got there, I noticed the obscure paintings on the walls. For the most part, they looked like blobs of paint slapped on paper. Yet, I could tell these paintings were more than that. They held some dark secret from the painter's mind. I'm sure It'd be a fine way to cope with life. Turning pain into beauty. I was so lost in thought, a light sound startled me. From a few tables ahead, someone jolted up, heading to me. I wasn't sure if that was you, until you turned around. You spun around with grace. I watched your hair flow elegantly with your movement. I swear, at that moment, I couldn't breathe.

"So, you showed up. Why did you make that decision?" You said so sternly, as if I was being interrogated. I didn't know what to say.

"I mean, you invited me." I said, briefly avoiding eye contact.

"That is true. Ugh, did I mess up talking to you already. Sorry. I'm sure you have more important things to attend to. Hehe." You answered, with a bit of embarrassment. It looked like you were expecting me to walk out on you. You were wrong about me, yet again. I walked over to the table and took a seat.

"I have nowhere to be. I might as well spend my time with you." I said, reassuringly. You stepped over and sat across from me.

"Do you mean it?" You answered. I can understand why you would be cautious.

"Of course." I said, with an inviting voice.

It became a bit silent for a moment. Your focus was on the food. After we ate, it was the perfect opportunity for discussion. There was something I needed to ask. I felt my nervousness crawling up my throat. If anyone was going to mess this up, It'd be me.

"So...um." I began to speak.

A slight humiliation came through me. I couldn't even finish my sentence. All I wanted was to officially be your friend. I guess I'm a bit socially awkward. Even though my question was quite simple, I became coy and restless. I never imagined saying something like that.

"Whats up?" You said, clearly listening. You looked at me with such curiosity.

"Are we friends?" I said, avoiding your eyes. I knew my face turned a little pink as I said that. You looked up, shocked.

"W-what!" You yelped. People in the restaurant looked around, startled. "Shut up." I said in a stern manner.

"Of course. I know I asked you randomly. I didn't think you wanted to accept. You are really cool. I bet a lot of people wish they were your friend."You excitedly said.

All the nerves I had disappeared instantly. All that I felt coming on now was a headache. After you rambled on about me, for a few minutes, we decided it was time to leave. I slumped into my car and rested for a moment. I never knew having a friend was so mentally exhausting. At least I got through it. I officially have a friend now. I was getting ready to leave when I noticed you were walking to my car.

"Wouh, you got tinted windows?" I heard you say from outside. I slowly opened my window, revealing my face.

"Yeah, now go home. It's getting late" I grumbled.

"Yeah, yeah. Look, I just wanted to apologize for making a commotion. Oh, and thanks. For being my friend. See ya." You said, smiling.

When I got home, I made sure to go to bed as soon as could. I fell asleep almost instantly.The next few weeks, I spent my time working late. I didn't have much time to see you. We did start talking over the phone. I finally got your name too.My availability became less and less. On the few off days I had, I didn't mind going to see you.You told me that I didn't have to. I'm glad to see your concern. I'm glad to see you care for me. I can't help but want to reciprocate the gesture. I wanted to see you more.

We went on like this for about a few months. That was when I realized I was getting attached to you. We always went to public places together. It was fine with me, but having a lot of people around gets annoying. Sometimes people will recognize me. They think they can say whatever they want to me because I'm talking to you. They sometimes say things about you. I didn't want you to hear those things. I'm sorry. A lot of people were extremely envious of you. It pissed me off. Why should they care about my personal life? It's none of their business. You are none of their business. I wanted to be in a personal space with you. Only you.

It was a rainy day in April. I was finally getting a few days off, after months of hard work. All I could think about, on my first day off, was you. I would lay down to relax, but my mind kept going back to you. Why? Why couldn't I get you off my mind? You became all I could think about that day. I wanted to see my friend. I never really invited you anywhere. Was I scared to be the one asking? I can't worry about it now. I want to see your face. No, I want to see all of you. Your slender body and your soft skin. My face became warmer, thinking about more than your face. Is this what having a friend is like? I was so lonely. I realized there was nothing to do on off days. I decided that I would invite you to my house. I had a short conversation on the phone with you. I jumped up and did some extra cleaning. I had to make sure the place was at its best. I waited patiently for you. When the door rang, I carefully opened it. You were holding a small box in your hands. I should have known it was for me. You walked in slowly, paying close attention to your surroundings. You turned to me and grabbed my arm.

"This place is amazing!" You yelled.

I must say, you really can be obnoxious at times. You let go of me and rushed over to my room. Ugh, out of all places, you had to go there. I followed closely, to ensure you don't tamper with my belongings.

"Damn, that lamp looks like it's made out of gold." You walked over to it, staring intensely at it.

"OK that's enough, why don't we-", before I knew you were distracted by something else. You slumped over my bed and wrapped yourself in my blankets.

"Oh, this is heaven. It's so soft." Your muffled voice said.

"H-hey! Get out of my bed." I snapped. But seeing you cuddling up in my blankets was oddly adorable. Why do I catch myself thinking things like that. It seemed like you still wouldn't budge. I walked over there and grabbed your arm.

"Huh?" You muttered, looking up at me innocently. I stood there for a minute, staring at you. I watched your face turn pink, still holding onto your arm tightly.

"L-let go…", you whispered, in a worried tone. I loosened my grip a little. I then gently put down your arm.

"I'm sorry." I said, looking away. You sat up on my bed.

"I'm sorry too. If I hadn't just-", you looked over at me as I sat next to you.

"Shhh…", I said, touching your cheek.

"W-wouh…", you said, in a confused tone. I softly rubbed my thumb across your face. "A-are you…wait…um…", you looked away shyly then looked my way again, blinking a few times. "Um…", you whispered.

Your face began to get warmer. "Listen, I have been thinking about you for hours and hours. For days. No, for weeks now. Maybe even longer than that. You're my friend, right. Is that normal?" I couldn't believe I admitted that, right in front of you.

"Well, I don't really think so. Are you obsessed with me?" You said bluntly.

"Huh?" I said, with a slight shock in my voice.

"Oh no…I shouldn't have said it like that…", you grumbled. You looked up at me, as I continued to touch your face.

"Are you in love with me? I mean…I don't mind if you are." You added. I leaned in and my arms around you.

"That must be it...I think I'm in love with you." I said, closing my eyes and embracing you.

"There is a gift I left for you on the table. I'm Sorry, but I have to get going. There's something I have to think about." You said, pushing me away. I got up and reached for your hand.

"All right. Make sure you stop by again soon. I'll have to invite you earlier." I said softly. You grabbed my hand firmly.

"If you walk me to the station, I'll let you hold my hand on the way there." You said, winking.

Rain was still lightly showering down. We walked for quite some time. Thank you for that. I enjoyed holding your hand tightly. I leaned against you during our walk. I wish it stayed like that. I wish you could have told me how you feel about me. I still love you. I promise. Once we were almost there, I made sure to give you another cozy hug. At least I was able to do that.

Out of the shadows, someone jumped us. Someone I knew. That's right, we were attacked. The man had a gun on him. He held it up and aimed it at us. He wanted something from me. No, he wanted me dead. More importantly I had to protect you. I couldn't believe what you did. You ran over to him, grabbing his hand. While he was distracted called for help. I only said we were attacked. I couldn't sit and talk. I had to stop you, before you got more reckless. I rushed to you. The man elbowed you and slammed you against the wall. He threw you out of the alleyway and you crawled to me. I held you close then told you to stay put. This man wants to kill me, but he can't. He is merely threatening people with that gun.

"What, are you gonna shoot me envious bastard."I smirked at him.

Judgment was almost upon him. I jumped over to him. He tried to swing at my head with his fist. I ducked and kicked him in the knees. He fell back and dropped the gun. He tried to grab it but I slammed him to the ground. I reached for the gun and stood above him, stepping on him. I pointed the gun at him.

"I'll show you what happens when you can't kill."

You watched me closely, worried. Your leg was injured. You began to fall unconscious. He deserved what was coming to him. A loud bang rang in the air that night. Blood splat across the pavement and on me. His face had been blown clean off. I didn't hesitate to pull that trigger. Why? It's not the first time I killed someone. It was dangerous approaching me. Why did you want to be friends with me? Someone who could easily take away lives. Don't worry. I want to prove what I did was righteous self defense. That will never take away the fact that I took another human being's life. I can never forgive someone who damaged your memories. Tell me, how do you feel about me? How did you feel about me? Can you recall that much? We stayed apart for some time now. Maybe I know how you feel about me. Why else would you come see me in such a sorry state. No matter what happens to me, remember I love you.

The one who attacked us, he was nothing more than a fool. Jealous of my fame. The fame he never got. Supposedly, I stole it from him. I couldn't help but kill that man. Just like I did to my father. Thats who I killed before. I was so young. I knew it'd happen again eventually. Killing another person. It was inevitable. Even so, the two I've killed would have killed me if I hadn't. Tell me, do you still want me, knowing I'm a killer. Knowing I'm imprisoned.

I can't leave you alone. I love you more than anything. You turned yourself in. Your owning up to your actions. Despite what you've done, you still need me. I still want you.

No matter what....