Think Pink

I dragged my feet across the thin carpet placed unevenly above the slab of cement. Each step felt heavier as I followed my mother to the empty room, my prison.

"See, I told you that Mexican wasn't good for you. You should have listened to me when I said that man doesn't give a damn about you" her voice increased with more malice as she continued on.

Honestly, this is the most she has spoken to me if ever. She always runs her mouth when it's to ridicule my choices in life which made me feel like a burden in my relationship with him and an embarrassment to myself with how my life is now. It took me 6 months to get a job and I only worked two. The first job in retail and now my current one in a coffee shop. I channeled my mom's demons out of mind and sight as I dropped my belongings outside the empty guest room. I opened the door to find it dusty, dark, and cold like my mother. Holding back my tears, I told my mom that I want to be alone, and with a quick eye roll, she reluctantly left. I was left alone with my thoughts, telling me it was my fault that my life went south after graduation, it repeated what my mother told me in the past and my favorite, "to end it all".

I opened my bags to start making myself home in this personal hell, my tower. Except, I had no long hair to throw out the window or a prince coming to my rescue. I knew deep down it wasn't my fantasy to become my reality. I could only help and save myself, but only if I had the money to do so. I hang my clothes away in the closet which weren't many since I gave most of them away to my boyfriend's siblings. I wanted them to know that I cared for them. Even though I didn't want to part with my attire and I had no money to spare. I thought if I let them go, I could move on with my life and hope, they would have better memories elsewhere. I was wrong. The only thing I had left when I stared into my 1/4 filled closet is my black to white shirts. If only I could see the grey in my life.

My feet lost their warmth by the time I unpacked everything. I was simply sitting in the corner of my blow-up mattress. Staring at the empty walls and empty floor with my teary-eyed vision. It pretty much reflected my mindset, but it's up to me if I want to continue spiraling downward in this shell or to attempt to break free in this empty guest room.

My body went limp as I got in a fetal position in my bed. My eyes danced around the room, I wondered how I could decorate this room. If I should go with blue since it is my favorite color? Which would be blue bed sheets since my mother thought it was all pointless to doll up a room, but I thought otherwise. I never wanted anything because I was tired of receiving broken promises and I was told that I was spoiled and selfish. I never understood that when I never got anything I wanted, but I accepted it. I figured out at a very young age that the life of a single mom is difficult. My relatives told me she's doing the best she can. Did they know she traps me in the guest room as she spends money on fast food on herself, to go out on vacations with her friends, and bought things she never even used. She didn't have to buy me toys, but she could have at least kept her promise to spend time with me. I cared about that more until I noticed it wasn't all that fun to spend time with your mom. Especially, when you can't relate with the children at your school. I couldn't connect with anyone.

I reached out to the air in front of me then swiped the air to the left, imaging my little cage in pink because no matter how I decorate it. It will never be my room, but an empty guest room because in the end, I never saw myself as her daughter. My arm retracted right back to my side as I bury myself like a mummy in the thick covers. My eyes started to get heavy from the crying. Soon, I was engulfed in a dream of endless possibilities. However, it wasn't my escape since I knew it was just a dream. My mental state may not be the best, but I can tell which of the two is reality. I can't feel any pain in my dreams and I able to stop my nightmares from manifesting. It is the only time I am in control of something besides refusing to eat or drink.

My boyfriend appeared with his man bun and a nice suit which is something he never wears. He didn't have much to wear, but I care for him anyways.

He held his hand out to me and I immediately took it. I fell for this man because he treated me like I mattered in the world unless he was stressed out which happened recently over the months.

He spun me around then held me against his torso as we swayed to the beat of our hearts as one. He was really insecure about himself and started to take out his frustrations on me which hurt, but he is only human.

Chuckling, he lifted my chin up then leaned in for a kiss. We are young, inexperienced, but in love. Sadly, life has a way of telling us to fucking wake up and adapt to being adults. Even when you have nothing, you must do something. No matter if it doesn't work out or does. During that time, I had somewhat of a choice, but it was no different from my mother's. Instead of being impactful, I was a burden. Moving room to room in each empty guest room. My true home in my eyes was him.

I broke the kiss and stared at the man looking down at me with genuine care. It was just an imagination playing out in my mind, but my lips were tingling, my body was heating up, and my heart was singing. I really wanted him to hold me.

Sensing my thoughts, he turned me around, so my back was pressed against his abdomen. That's when I saw PINK. Could this be my future?

I felt beams of heat on my face as I slowly woke up from my sad form of affection. My eyes were still closed as I saw the light from the sun rays through my eyelids. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my amazon prime. I searched every pink thing in hopes that I could be the woman I wanted to be. Motivated to find the real me and possibly use this color to encourage me out of my confinement.

Stiffly turning to the side, I sighed, "Think Pink".