An Idiots Guide to Fortune Telling

Hello, I'm glad you've taken this book off the shelf (I'm not surprised or anything that you took it, I can see the type of character you are and why you would choose this book with such a title) welcome.

DISCLAIMER: If whatever I mention as tips and tricks doesn't work for your personal experience, please don't sue, I'm running low on cash and I can no longer afford Diet Coke every week, thanks.

Now, it may come off as I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know you're only thinking that because you have no idea what your doing, and you want to reflect your insecurities onto me, don't do that. Alright, let's begin with palm readings.

First, as always, you want to pretend like you know what your doing, because you obviously need to look like you've done this millions of times to get trust from your clients or friends. Play aloof, oh yes you'll live for twenty more years... where does it say that you ask? Well right here on your life line (just point to a random line on their palm, I'm 78% sure they'll believe you. Remember: aloof) and of course your marriage line, you'll be divorced with two kids, your husband will take custody of the children and you'll get the cats and the water hose (make it so specific and outrageous so they have no other choice than to believe you) let's take a look at your...oh dear God! What's this?! Your fate line says you'll be a kajillionaire! (They'll pay good money for this, it floats them around with fake arrogance so they'll tip real good) and your head line hmmm....well you (ma'am/sir) are most likely going to have great intelligence! (play it off real cool). And that's how your first palm reading should go, now, if you're talking about crystal ball fortune telling, then I know that stuff too.

All you need is to go to Amazon.com or Etsy and order some tacky Halloween props, some blue and purple lights, lacy black-out curtains, and your dignity.

Now, let's make up a fake scenario, you're sitting across from your client, and they ask about their dead wife, you look into the crystal ball with mellowed eyes (get contact lenses too, purple preferably, it goes with the lights) and smile sorely, like a grandma looking at her freshly baked cookies, and look into your client's eyes lovingly. She says she misses you very much, and wonders how Mary is doing (common old person name, this will 45% of the time actually work) The client will either grin happily, or slap you across the face for scamming, and ultimately destroy your business. If the client grins, play into it a little more, remember it's all about getting the money and giving the closure. She asks how the kids are doing. She wants to know if you left the stove on. She says you made her the happiest she could ever be, and is at peace now. The customer will either leave satisfied, or your face will be absolutely mangled. As I said before, these things can go South at anytime, you should be prepared.

Now, if you want to talk about Ouija boards, then I'm down too. Ouija boards are kind of a scam, not kind of, very much a scam. Hello, you want to speak to your mother? Alright put your hands right here and I'll ask her (ask if there's any spirits in the room, you know, real cliche, give the people what they want). Next you all will subconsciously move to 'yes', then keep asking questions and try to be a leader not a follower. By this I mean don't let your clients take charge by moving the planchette where they want, you move it where you want it but also where the client wants it but don't let them move it let you move it. Does that make sense? So anyways, Ouija boards may seem like they work, but its just a money-grab by companies with low self-esteem and people who wished they went to Harvard but went to Yale (not saying there's anything wrong with either of the colleges). Alright so that's how to do stuff as a beginner fortune teller. Now if you get more advanced, I have teachings for that too. I'd say I'm pretty advanced in this department, so I'd trust what I say.

To make your stories more believable, maybe flirt a little to your customers. Your love line says...you'll meet a gorgeously funny and hilariously charming etc. fortune teller (insert High School Musical worthy cringe wink here) They'll most likely swoon or laugh, or both, read the room. And your head line wow, you must be a professor or something (they'll laugh some more, then actually ask what's in their future, you'll laugh, they'll laugh, you stay silent, they awkwardly keep laughing, waiting for you to say something. You don't. It's all apart of the job description, you know?) So after they give you a minimal tip, you've got to play this out like a Sandra Bullock rom-com. Wait ma'am/sir, I really think this could go somewhere! (Alright so maybe don't do this, but if you are planning on doing this, record it for me. Email it to me if this did happen. I'd love to mock my readers even more, but I need to give you all more tips to fortune telling first)

So if flirting isn't your forte, then just have one of your great grandmas be the seventh child, there you go, you're a trusted oracle now. Here's a few other tips, don't cry during readings, it makes you look like a dodo bird wanting to mate. Don't eat during readings, it makes you look unprofessional. Here's some Do's, do drink during readings, it'll fuzz your brain a little bit and make you act weird (isn't that how all fortune tellers and oracle's act? Just kidding.) And do treat your clientele with kindness and respect because nothing is more important than giving closure...except maybe the tips and money.