The cottages

“That’s it my pretty ones, just a little bit closer…...you’ll be in the clearing in a few moments……” She tried to ignore the gurgling in her stomach and the thin string of saliva that was trickling down through the bristles on her jaw, and wondered if she ought to check on the stove again.

“Hansel, I’m tired, my new shoes are pinching me” Gretel grumbled at her brother. “We’ve walked for miiiiiiiiiiiiiles…...you said we could stop and rest soon, that was half an hour ago……I wanna piggy-back” He sighed, not for the first time in their journey, and muttered something to himself. “We will, sis, once you accept that we’re lost in this damn wood. Dusk has set in, and it’s getting harder and harder to see that breadcrumb trail that you cleverly suggested we use to guide us back out. Besides which, I think hedgehogs and rabbits have been following us and eating them” he kissed his sister on the cheek, and she smiled for about a millisecond.

“Look, there’s a light up ahead, through those trees, I told you we’d find somewhere. Come on Gret, just a little bit further I promise. If it turns out we can’t stay there or they’re not very friendly, I’ll think of something else. When have I ever let you down before…...wait don’t answer that!” She sighed as dramatically as she could, all heaving shoulders and rolling eyes, and gave a pouting “fiiiiiiiiiiiiine”

In the cottage, the witch watched them come through a windowpane made partly of peppermint flavoured water. Her idea to build her home out of candy and sweet treats for bait had been an inspired idea, as the pile of teenage bones in the corner and old t-shirts and dresses she was now using for rags and cleaning could testify. These two looked tender and succulent, just the aperitif to go with the lissom redhead currently tied and gagged in the spare room….

Our protagonists arrived on the scene. Hansel and Gretel, weary and hungry and chilled, at first didn’t notice anything unusual in the gloomy evening light about what they hoped was a refuge. It took a minute or so to register, but once it had, they could scarcely believe it. “Is that…...chocolate?! And licorice?! And I think that’s candy floss smoke coming out of the chimney! Gret, this entire cottage is made of sweets!”

Their reverie was interrupted when the toffee-slab front door was flung open, and a kindly elderly lady with the stereotypical storybook twinkle and rosy cheeks all present and correct beamed welcomely at them. Hoping her glamour enchantment would hold, the wicked sorceress bid them enter. “Come along in my dears, there’s a fire on the go and some stew just waiting to be eaten. After that, you’re welcome to stay for the night if you wish, the spare room is nice and cosy.” She broke a piece of fudge off one of the windowsills, and offered it to Hansel, and then pulled a lollipop from it’s place above the doorframe to give to Gretel. The boy eagerly accepted his treat and made to move forward, but was stopped by his sister yanking on his shirt.

“No offence lady, but all this seems very odd, even for this place. I mean, a bloody candy house?! Just conveniently in the middle of the woods where some unsuspecting kids might pass?! Unless of course it’s some kind of magic, in which case you’re a wicked child-eating monster. Unless of course, I’ve got entirely the wrong idea and you’re as sickly sweet as your walls. But I don’t think so. Forgive my brother, he’s not the brightest lad, but I love the big dumbass all the same, so I’d prefer it if you didn’t stick him in a big pot. Now, knackered and starving as we are, I think we’ll take our chances of finding our way home. Also, all that confectionery causes spots and cavities, I never touch it. Hansel, give the nice lady her fudge back, and come along”

The witch, however, had already shot out a bony hand to grab a hold of Hansel’s shirt from the front, and had easily dragged him out of his sister’s grasp. All pretence gone now, revealed in her true ugly splendour, she gave a cackle because, you know, that’s how these things went. However, the boy, who up to this point had been slightly confused and bemused and lost in a world of endless candy, finally came to his senses, kicked her viciously in the kneecap with his steel-toed boots, and yelled “run!!!!!!!!!”

Breathless, bleeding slightly from scratches as they ran through brambles and stumbled into low branches, the siblings paused. No sounds of pursuit, but they took turns as lookout as the other one rested. It was almost midnight now, the moon obscured by grey cloud cover, not a star to be seen. They knew they had to find some leaves to crash out in, or a tree hollow. Also, risking sampling the unidentified crimson berries or various fungi they had gathered to take home for mother was rapidly becoming an option.

Walking cautiously, arm in arm, Gretel resting her sleepy head on her brother’s shoulder, they were near to despairingly just collapsing somewhere when they came upon another clearing, with another cottage in it. Pale but warm light illuminated just enough of it to give glimpses of details, they edged slowly closer before being able to discern more information. It was a house that was mainly green, but also orange, yellow and with the occasional glimpse of purple.

“Carrots…...broccoli…..beans…...and I think that’s a piece of turnip. Very good, very clever, whoever you are. Ok, we’re here Mrs Witch, I’m ready to exchange my body for a potato salad or a stick of celery……!” the young girl called, before Hansel clamped his hand over her mouth and pulled her away, with her babbling about peas and lettuce, tears of hunger and frustration pouring down her face.