The Adventures of Sklumper

“Drat!” I called out as I ran straight into the wall for the fourth time that day. I was rushing about the castle up to the throne room after an urgent summons from King Fergus. The King was not a patient man and as his most beloved jester he called upon me fairly often. My quarters being the furthest point from the kings it was always a mad dash to reach the great hall before King Fergus decided he no longer wanted a belly laugh to fill him. I was most scorned when the king turned me away, for each laugh I received was worth coin. The more raucous the royal court the more coin I gained. If my jokes yielded only smirks and smiles I may very well go hungry that eve. Other menial tasks landed me coin that I was able to save up for new tunics and other props to aid in my joke making.

Panting as I reached the great oak double doors, I took a moment to gather myself. While I am a jester I do aim to look presentable when I first enter the throne room. Pushing the doors and sweeping my arms out jovially I jaunted into the grand room. Keeping my eyes down I skipped towards the throne and when I was nearly there I called out, “Hellooooo my dear king and his consorts” with a flourishing bow, purposely tripping over my own feet and spilling out a few yards back from the throne. This move always earned me a few yelps of glee and was a great opening to start off the joke making but when I only heard the squeaking of shoes around me my heart plummeted. Something must be wrong for there to be no response.

Peering up from under my lashes I came to the sudden realization that the king was not sitting in his throne. I scanned the room and found the king was nowhere to be seen. At her usual place next to the throne the queen scowled down at me. “Get up, Jester Sklumper, now” she reprimanded me. Quaking under her unwavering gaze I slowly stood from the floor and bowed more graciously to her.

“My queen, my apologies. I believed my summons to be that for tomfoolery and chortling. Where is the king?”

Her sneer deepened further at my idiotic question.

“That is why we have summoned you Jester Sklumper. The king has been kidnapped.” Her voice shook ever so slightly as she delivered the news. “And we need you to rescue him.”

“Me??” I stammered back to her, “why not one of the knights?”

“Skumpler!” She snapped. “This was clearly an inside job. I cannot trust anyone in my court, specifically the knights. Who do you think was guarding his bedchambers?”

The queen began pacing on the dias. Her red velvet gown rustling against the granite floors and her shoes, hidden beneath the billowing dress clicking on the ground. The sounds echoing throughout the chamber alerting my attention to the fact that it was only the queen and I in the room. In the shock of the moment I didn’t comprehend the lack of the usual court members. “No, no, no. I need to ask someone whose absence won’t be noticed. Someone who is already such a blundering buffoon they could have easily just lost their way and never made it back.” Her voice lowered and she leaned towards me, “We’re being watched.” She whispered as her deep brown eyes darted around the room.

Trailing the queen through a variety of passages I’d never been allowed to enter previously, I listened as she told her tale.

“Last night, my dear husband and I parted ways to our separate chambers after supper. We both felt extremely drowsy and I am to presume he fell asleep as swiftly as I had.” She turned back to me at this point for emphasis, “I believe we were in a drugged stupor.”

“When I awoke this morning I crossed the hall to his chambers and saw that his door was already ajar. Upon entry I saw his bed unkempt and a note tacked to the drapery.” Pulling something from her breastplate as she said this she handed a crumpled piece of parchment to me.

"We have taken King Fergus to the Cliffs of Lough Esker. In a fortnight we will throw him from the highest point unless our demands are met. Firstly, Queen Alistairn shall name the king's bastard Fergumn Strathmere his heir apparent. Secondly, 1,000 gold coin is to be delivered to the Black Pig Pub by the fourth sundown following this day. And lastly, the land of the Grimblers shall be returned to their rightful owner Sir Grimbly Gromble. If these tasks are completed you will find your king unharmed at the Cliffs. If they are not….."

If they are not then the king will be tossed to the rocky tundra and crashing waves at the bottom of the Cliffs of Lough Esker. While a jester doesn’t leave the castle often, we do gather stories abound to aid in our joking and the Cliffs had been described to me as treacherous and unyielding. I shivered to think of the king at them. 

As I finished reading the queen had stopped abruptly in front of me and I smacked into the back of her. She stiffened and I took a step back. “Come,” was all she said as she opened the door to her chambers. “I’ve gathered a few items and already have them packed for you. The Black Pig Pub is through the Probble Pass and then the Cliffs of Lough Esker are just past the Wandering Wood. I’ve arranged for a steed for your journey that will meet you at the city’s limits just after the Pass. It shouldn’t take you more than a few days.”

The Probble Pass was a well known perilous route. A narrow path just wide enough for a singular man to walk across at a time. On either side of the path, a deep crevice in which legend says are home to the dragons. As there is no chance of surviving the fall, no one can attest to the truth of the legend. The Wandering Wood is just as fraught. Filled with clever creatures and trees that have been said to lead wanderers astray just to delight in their terror and confusion. Many a traveler have been lost to its dark and eerie paths. My fear closed the inner workings of my vocal chords and the queen plundered on in her directions.

“In this bag is the 1,000 gold coin as requested. I’ve had the Warlock bewitch it so it will only open to those whose names have been spoken into it’s folds. It will never weigh more than a kilo and to an outsider will seemingly be filled with turnips, which there are plenty in here. The knapsack is boundless. All you must do to find an item is call out and the bag will understand. Watch.” I screwed my eyes up as the queen opened the bag and said directly to it, “MAP”. A scroll peaked from the top of the folds of canvas and the queen gently gripped it. “Another gift of the Warlock,” she noted waggling the scroll at me, the smile not reaching her eyes. “He’s enchanted the map so that it will glow to reveal the trail you must follow to your next destination.” She unrolled it in front of me, still gripping the bag in one hand. 

The map was of wonders I’d never seen before. A soft green light emanated from it. As I peered closer the light clearly outlined a route to the Black Pig Pub across the Probble Pass. Little markings noted dangers and disasters that could await me. The map even showed the exact point in which I was meant to pick up the horse after I made the journey across the Pass. Before I could glean any more information from the map the queen snapped it shut once again and tossed it back into the knapsack. 

She fixed her eyes upon me once more and said, “You can do this Skumpler, the Kings life depends on it.” Before I knew it the queen was handing me the canvas bag and pushing me out the doors of the castle. “Now the map will continue to illuminate as you complete each task. Once you have made it across the Probble Pass and found your steed it will show you the safest route through the Wandering Wood. I wish you luck,” she said. And with that she swiftly closed the castle doors. 

Standing dumbfounded on the cobblestone walk at the back of the castle I looked up at the towering building I had spent most of my life in. From this angle I could only see two of the three spires, one of which was where the King often went when he needed to think. Had anyone thought to look for the King there? Could this possibly be all some sort of big misunderstanding? Then I recalled the note. The King had been taken and by someone who was tied to the Grimblers and his illegitimate heir. I pondered th culprit the entire time I meandered through the city towards the Probble Pass. Glancing up every so often to wave and smile and the townsfolk that recognized me. I stumbled into the local Inn Keeper, Lady Gwinevere. 

“Oh my, Jester Sklumper, you do seem to be making such haste through the city streets today. Has the king requested some new absurd method of whimsy?” 

Bowing down as low as I could I let out a reverberating fart, so as to keep appearances up as only a common jester, and said over the trumpeting coming from my backside “Mi lady is always keen on knowing just what the king would like.” Plastering on a smile as I came up from my bow I attempted to skirt around her and continue on my way. 

“Aye, I am a lady who keeps her nose to the ground but her eyes to the sky. Rumors have been circulating on the Kings bad behavior, I would hate to see you get tangled up in his mess.” She said stepping in my path and eyeing me keenly. 

Did the Lady know the King had been kidnapped? How could she, unless she was part of it. No she was just the town gossip able to overhear all sorts of stories at the inn. 

“Not to worry mi lady, a jester never gets in over their head.” I responded jovially. 

“Winds are high today, Skumpler.” she retorted as I siddled past her. She knew I was headed to the Probble Pass, and she was warning me. 

Before I knew it I was standing at the edge of the pass. Lady Gwinevere’s warning of the weather ringing in my ears as the wind whistled around me. I stared out at the long and narrow strip of earth, hardly able to see the other end. Glancing down at the map in my sweat soaked hands I traced the green lighted line down the entire track. It stopped just at the end of the chasm where I was presumably meant to pick up my steed. 

Rolling the map up with shaking fingers I stuffed it back into the knapsack I clutched tightly against my chest. My heart beat frantically as I shuffled along the craggly path. Loose stones tumbled with the slightest touch from my toes crunching beneath my dragging feet. I dared not look any further then the few steps in front of me. Not 20 yards in, I came to a small gap in the trail. The map had blinked at this exact point, though it hadn’t outlined the challenge I would face. Curse the gods above. I should just turn around. I would have to jump this gap and there was no possibility my trembling legs would make it. My breathing picked up as I stared and stared at the never ending darkness between the two sections of path. The one below me and the one a few yards ahead. Stealing myself I shuffled back a few steps to get a running start. I couldn’t turn back. 

My legs had gone numb with adrenaline as I started to move swiftly towards the crevice. Leaping at the last second I’m flying towards the other end of the path. I’m not going to make it. Slamming into the side of the rock the air is stripped from my lungs and I start falling, falling, falling. Everything goes dark.  

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuck,” Ben groans. His headset slipping slightly as he leans back in his chair. “Bro this game is so hard. I knew I shouldn’t have gone for the Jester character. I bet the maids' agility score was way higher”

JESTER SKLUMPER: DECEASED, TRY AGAIN? flashed across the screen.

“Initial thoughts are awesome animation, great storyline, very The Last of Us but medieval vibes, I could see this becoming a series show too. Definitely a learning curve on the action buttons and use of the joy stick. I’d give it a solid 7/10 with room for improvement.” Ben toggled the view of his computer so he could better see the chat. Reactions were flooding the discourse. 

“Alright stream, what do we think? Should I try again?”