Incredulous Acts

“Are you coming tonight?” 

My mind was too caught up in the way your lips move to register the question. Your eyes are fixated hungrily on a man who slowly walks up the street. I can’t seem to stop falling deeper and deeper into horribly true love with you. Your faded purple hair cascades down your back. I remember when you dyed it, you hummed along to old songs while laughing at your then purple forehead and you stumbled all over the bathroom. Your drunken state made me worry for your safety as you danced around the room, yet I couldn’t help but stare at your toothy smile, slightly crooked but oh so perfect to me.

“Are you coming tonight?” you asked again and you waved your hand, decorated with countless rings I know you didn’t pay for. You‘re a little thief aren’t you, beautiful? Every time you are in a shop I watch you palm something in your jewellery-clad hand, or slyly slip something into your bra, smiling as you do so to seduce any man or woman who seems suspicious. No one is perfect, yet that seems to make me more infatuated with you.

Why would I come along tonight? So I can see you go off with a man whose breath is heavily tainted with whiskey and coke. His stubble will scratch your face and leave unnoticeable marks, yet I will always see them. He’ll call you beautiful and pretty, his drunken words sure aren’t meaningful, although unmistakably true. He’ll never see you again and you know that. So why would you do it? Why would you go with him when you can be with me? 

I’ll sit there twiddling my thumbs, staring at the calluses on my fingers and picturing you being used by someone who doesn’t deserve you. My drink will slowly burn its way down my throat and I’ll think about how I don’t like this scene. I would much rather be alone with you, watching you laugh at some old sitcom we both know is too crude to be acceptable anymore. Or to watch you cry along to your favourite breakup song, and see the despair seep into the pink wallpaper. 

A boy with reddened eyes and a broken heart will come up to me and attempt to subvert my mind by going upstairs with him, leading to him taking me to a room without even knowing his name. I would be able to taste the alcohol on his lips, undoubtedly trying to numb his mind to the loss of his recently beloved. I will feel sick that these rough hands aren't your soft ones. My hair will be pulled into a bun and my dress will lay on the floor. Afterwards, we’ll stand in an awkward state, the only sound being the ruffling of clothes and the heavy breathing of the boy. 

I will walk down stairs and sit in the corner, trying to rub away the images from my mind as well as ridding the streaming mascara and smeared lipstick off my face. The dull lighting thankfully hides your beautiful face from the majority of the room. I don’t like it when others can see what I desire to be mine and when I have to share you with others. But you don’t like the lack of attention, do you, darling? So you became a part of the meaningless conversation which surely none of who is attending will remember in the morning, except me.

 I won’t remember the words said but I will remember the burning feeling I get when the man who had you wraps his arm around your waist and whispers seductive nothings into your ear. I will remember how the whole party seemed to stop as you spoke, your lips moving in rhythmic sync with the music, although what you were speaking, I am sure, was not the lyrics to the song. Your hair will be twirled around the large unworthy fingers of the man next to you, you won't like the feeling as your scalp will be pulled, but you want the attention of yet another man. I will almost lose my temper, like I have so many times before, seeing you with people who aren’t me is torture. I hope you know that.

The party will come to an end, but you being yourself will stay around for an hour or two later to share unnecessary drinks and intimacies with strangers, they'll be completely in love and will ask for your number, that you know neither of you will bother to follow up. I will stay around to keep an eye on you, making sure to look preoccupied with a conversation with a tall man who I could care less about. I will steal glances over to you multiple times to ensure you are still stationed in between two men, one who feverishly stares at you for too long in all the wrong places whilst the other talks about things we both know are boring you out of your mind. And that's why you will apologize and leave, grabbing your coat and walking out into the silent and very lonesome night.

I will follow your stumbling body a fair distance behind. Your apartment isn't too far away but I will still internally lecture you for your bad decisions throughout the night, as well as your silly choice to walk home. Come on, you know it won't be safe out here at night. Your body will sway back and forth, tripping every now and then and I can no longer fight the urge to protect you. I will run up to you and ask if you need help, you will lazily smile, your eyes almost fully closed and lean your weight on me. My heart will beat too fast and I will still be telling you in my head how you should not be trusting me. 

You will get to your building, mumbling a thanks and giving me a bright smile, you will pull me into a hug and my breathing will stop. I will get flustered and my face will go red, you then will pull away and go into your building, I watch as you slowly make your way up the stairs as I enter as well. You will take off your shoes and hum a song I will from then on never forget. You reminisce in the feeling of the hideous fuzzy blue carpet between your toes while clumsily walking to your door. You will look so peaceful. You'll rest your head on the door for a while, smiling to yourself. The door will be opened and I’ll watch your figure disappear like I have once too many times tonight.

So do I want to go, you ask?

“I don’t think I can tonight sorry” Your friend says loud enough to hear from behind you two. “Are you still going to go?”

“Yeah, may as well”

Tsk tsk, you are never careful enough my dear.