Not Today!

My eyes flew open and my heart pounded hard at the first beep of my alarm. I sit up and take a determined breath. I will not succumb to the worry - not today!

For the last five years I have anxiously awaited whatever unpleasant prank wrapped in the form of perceived hilarity would be bestowed upon me on this most vile of all days: April first

Not today though! Today I am prepared. For five years running my name has been magically pulled from the fictional hat of employees who will be the crowned victim of the annual tradition of office tomfoolery. It's all done in the name of fun. Naturally. All to promote team spirit and growth. Of course it is. But no one else has been selected and I'm officially done being the fool of April

I jump up with a little too much aggression disguised as determination and grab my checklist.

Item one: Water proof clothing.

I pick up my 80's style parachute track pants and put them on. I feel a tug of nostalgia as I do this remembering the days these were, if not stylish, really popular and wearing them meant you were hip. But now they are being used as the duck feathers to any water I may unwillingly come into contact with. I add a t-shirt and my waterproof windbreaker to finish off the outfit. Two years ago I was called into various offices throughout the day under the guise of someone needing my assistance only to be rained upon by the fire sprinklers in that particular office. I came home drenched, feeling slightly pathetic and with a head cold.

Item Two: Ear Plugs

Oh yes, the year of the fog horn stuck to the wall behind each door handle. Every time I pushed open a door to enter a room it would hit the fog horn and I would be hearing impaired for the next five minutes. I still get a mild tinnitus in my ears whenever I enter the ladies bathroom at work.

Item Three: Lunchbox

Like many of my colleagues I keep carefully labelled food in the company fridge (it's impossible to miss my name written in a dark, bold font over all my dairy and nut free foods). This particular year, I believe it may have been the second year of pranking, I went to get my snack at lunch time only to find all my healthy, allergy friendly food had been replaced with haggis. I gave a fake but convincing laugh and went back to my desk, hungry. About an hour later a colleague came in with a tray of caramel covered apples. I thought it was an olive branch and was so grateful until I took a bite and discovered the apple was actually an onion.

How could she be this gullible? Three years in a row?

The answer is: I just am. And it's actually five years in a row. But just to give some context and to redeem a smidgen of my dignity. The first time I was pranked I had only been at the company for a month or so and thought it was an initiation of sorts. The second year I thought I just had rotten luck at being chosen for two consecutive years from the magic hat. And the following three years? They lull me into a false sense of security. "Don't worry, your name wasn't picked this year. It's Karen's turn." Or "We were told by management that we're not allowed to prank you anymore." That year was possibly the most embarrassing because not only had I felt cocky with confidence that I was safe but I was tremendously grateful to management for intervening. Turns out that years prank was management's idea.

Which brings me to item four (and the reason our security company won't accept any of my calls): Mirror attached to the end of a long selfie stick for checking under doors and around corners

"Piper, quick, come help someone is stuck in the bathroom." That's how it started. It ended with me removing my shoes, very unflatteringly hiking my skirt up, climbing Spiderman style up the outside wall of the building, contorting myself through the minuscule bathroom window (because I was the only one small enough to fit through the window. I won't lie,that was flattering) and scaling the cubicle wall to see how I could help vacate this poor soul from the toilet stall they had been stuck in for four hours. There was no one in there. And according to the security company, that I called seven times to assist, that was not within their job scope.

My gullibility, along with my purple knickers, was the talk of the office until Halloween.

Item five: My resignation letter

That's right. I may be gullible but I'm not unintelligent. I can play.

I have designed and implemented programs that only I know how to operate and if I were to leave it would take them a year to train someone to replace me. My resignation letter it a threat. Stop pranking me or else!

I'm not really going to resign. I enjoy my job. And don't want to be unemployed.

I throw back a smoothie, brush my teeth and jump into my car with a steely focus. This ends today.

I pull into my parking spot and tingles run down my spine as I notice that the place is empty and dark. Not a single car in the lot, not a single light on. And now that I think about it there was no security guard at the gate to greet me.

My spine tingles and a cramping ball of nerves starts pulsing in my belly.

I hesitantly and very cautiously make my way to the employee entrance, hyper ware of my surroundings, ready to expect the unexpected. I scan my card and it bleeps, denying me entry. I try again and get the same response.

I scream and drop all my belongings as my ringtone pierces the silence around me.

Still acutely aware of my surroundings I swipe to answer the call from my friend Jess.

"Hello"

"Hey babe, where are you?"

"What?"

"What is your location? Your coordinates? You current destination?"

"I'm at the office."

"Why?"

"I'm not understanding your questions today," I say, my eyes darting to all corners of the parking lot. "I have a job and I have to come to my office to do said job."

"On a Saturday?"

"It's not.....oh"

It being Saturday would explain the absence of security guards, cars and people. But still, the new non gullible me will not underestimate my colleagues and this day again.

"You sure it's Saturday?"

"Yes Pip, it's Saturday. I'm waiting here at 'Brewed' for our Saturday coffee and catch up."

"Oh thank God," I breathe out a sigh of utmost relief, "It's Saturday!"

I prance a little happy jig, pick up my things and head back to my car.

"Sorry Jess, I'll be there in ten. I thought it was Friday. I actually thought it was April 1st," I say with a laugh. If I had known April fool's Day was on a Saturday this year all panic could've been avoided.

"Those numb nuts really did a number on you didn’t they?" Jess says quietly.

"Excuse me?" I buckle myself and start the engine.

"Have you been stressing all morning about going into the office on April fool's day?"

"Well, yes."

"Pip, it's April 2nd. You were in the office yesterday, April first."

"That can't be right. Today's the 1st. But it's Saturday which is the only reason I'm not covered in flour and green jello looking like swamp thing."

"Has that actually happened to you?"

"No, but I'm sure it's on the list of possible pranks."

"Alright, hang up the phone, look at your calendar and then head over here."

And she disconnected.

And I did as I was told.

And there it was: Today's date: April 2nd

Which means I was in the office on the first and nothing happened to me "for fun".

Huh.

Well how about that.

But why? This Pranking of Piper tradition has become a thing. An unpleasant thing but a thing nonetheless. I have never voiced my displeasure about this as I didn't want to seem like a bad sport or not a team player. So why then would it have stopped? Unless...

I pull out my phone and shoot off a quick text to Jess.

Did you have something to do with this?

Perhaps

Did you threaten them with bodily harm or castration?

No. But I wish I had

Did you report them to HR for bullying?

No. But they would have deserved it.

Whatever you did...thank you

I didn't do anything. Not really. You decided it was enough and to fight back. I might have accidentally mentioned that you were thinking of resigning because of a toxic office environment as your boss was walking past when I joined you for after work drinks last week. Accidentally of course.

Of course. I'll see you in ten.

I turned up the volume, punched the accelerator and savored the feeling of having the best friend ever. And whooped at the releasing of years of hatred of April first.

No more pranks.

Not today.

Not ever.

Epilogue

It may be noted that I mentioned that I have been prank recipient for five years running. But only four tales were told. My pride and ego forbid me from telling tale number five. All that can be said is it involves what was thought to be an office dress up party, party games of the charade variety and ended with me almost being arrested for suspected solicitation. It will never be spoken of.