Holly Jolly What the Hell

I hate this thing.

The moment the wrapping came off -oh the pretty golden Christmas wrapping- I knew that I was going to return it. In the back of my closet, sits a blue, extra large overcoat that sports red and white candy canes, and mistletoe everywhere. It's quite possibly the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, besides Kim Kardashian’s blond hair phase. The point is, I could do without ever seeing it again.

On the hanger, it's falling off, because I couldn’t care less what happens to it, as long as I never ever have to see it again. This is the reason I never want anything for Christmas.

Nobody can ever find something I like, much less match my style!

Today is the day that I finally can get rid of this thing. Glory hallelujah, am I right?

I get into my red Cadillac, and toss the bag holding the ugliest overcoat I have ever seen into the backseat, and I start to drive to the mall, where my friend had said she got it at Macy’s. Someone really should start a lawsuit over this jacket. Who would have thought Macy’s would be selling it?

Luckily, my apartment is only five minutes away from the mall, and I get there in no time. This is going to be a Christmas miracle, if they actually take this back!

I park in the parking lot, grab the bag out of my car, and lock it, then make a beeline towards the outside Macy’s entrance, which is separate from the rest of the mall. The sweet smell of Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Shop fills the lower floor of the Macy’s, adding to the festive decorations and lights that line the store. People from all over walk around, trying on makeup and perfume, while giggling and laughing. A few people are sitting on the benches near the discount shoes, waiting for their loved ones to finish trying on shoes. All of them seem to be half asleep.

My friend gave me this as an early Christmas present, and if she asks, I’ll tell her that my cousin from Tennessee liked the jacket when he came over, and took it from me. Of course, I don’t actually have a cousin from Tennessee, but we live in California, so how is she going to know?

I walk up the escalator, because who just stands there and waits to be taken up to the second floor? As I get to the top, my eyes widen and my heart sinks. The customer service line is so long that it wraps around almost half of the second story!

How am I going to get rid of this now?

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a wheelchair behind the childrens clothes section, and a man is sitting in it, with his eyes closed. I walk over there, where no one can see me, to wake him up.

“Excuse me?” his eyes open.

“Who are you?” he asks, his voice shaky. His head has no hair, and he looks like he just is about to shrivel up and die. I wonder how people can live to this age.

“I’ll take this, thank you very much,” I shove him out of the wheelchair, and I swear to God he faints. I sit down in the chair, and try to make myself look as old and frail as possible, but that's hard to do as a twenty eight year old bi sexual man.

I wheel myself to the line and cough. “Can you please let me go in front of you?” I ask kindly, holding up the bag while trying to tremble. “I need to return this and my wife, she's in the hospital, and I don't have much time left. I'm not sure if you can tell,” I add with a hearty laugh, and than I cough again. The woman smiles. 

“Oh of course you can!” She lets me go in front of her, and soon people catch on, until I'm at the very front of the line.

“I’d like to return this please,” I throw the bag up onto the counter, and the clerk smiles at me kindly.

“Receipt please?” she asks. My heart drops into my stomach. I don’t have a receipt.

“GOD DAMN IT!” I yell, grabbing the bag and getting up out of the wheelchair. “YOU ALL SUCK, I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT!”

I walked down the escalator, and out of Macy’s because that was a waste of my time. What was the point of all that? I’m pretty sure by shoving that man out of his wheelchair, I sent him to heaven!

I get into my red Cadillac once again, because I have a solid plan. I drive down the highway, to the huge Christmas bonfire that's going on tonight by the cabins near the lake. Once I get there, the bonfire is already going, even though it's only 5 pm. 

“Hello sir, welcome to the bonfire of-”

“Leave me alone, I have to do something,” I shove the greeter out of the way, as people try to give me red and green leis to wear. Nothing goes around my neck though, because I’m on a mission.

I rip the bag apart, leaving it on the ground to rot into the dirt, and I throw all the tissue paper everywhere, trying to get to that cursed overcoat that looks like Christmas threw up on a whale. I pick the jacket up and as I’m about to throw it into the bonfire, someone stops me.

“If you do that, we’ll call the cops on you. That's loitering in the bonfire,”

I turn around, heaving with anger. “STUPID BONFIRE!” I run down to the lake, sand getting in my $80 shoes, and I throw the overcoat into the middle of the lake. The jacket lands with a plop, but it doesn't sink, so I throw rocks at it until it goes under with a couple bubbles.

I never want another Christmas present, or card again.

Matter of fact, I think I’ll just tell everyone I’m part of the Jehovah's Witnesses.