BANTER BLOOPERS

Matthew, do you recognize this photo?

Should I?

Yes. After all, you took it!

I didn’t take that! Why would I take a photo of what looks like a small bowl of half-eaten raspberry jello?

Because you often take photos of food or other things I’ve never thought worth the effort. I’ve always found that a tad weird. Oh I know. I know. Don’t say it. You’re a photographer and see photos where others, like me, just see objects. But that said, how do you know it’s raspberry if you don’t even remember taking it? Like, maybe it’s strawberry jello?

Well, whatever. Still, if I took that photo, when did I take it?

44 years ago today, Matthew. On a very important day: March 31, 1980.

Er…you mean the night before Addie was born?

Correct! I was in labour and labouring. I’d been in labour over 40 hours and they kept giving me epidurals for the pain which slowed everything down even more. Remember that?

Well yes, but I don’t remember taking the photo. I’m guessing the nurse had brought you the jello but you didn’t feel like eating it?

Exactly! Actually, I was surprised you photographed it instead of eating it. You said something about it being a way for us to remember everything about a day as important as the birth of our first child. Besides, you were having trouble staying awake through so many hours of labour so you had to do something besides listen to me moaning and groaning. Ringing any bells now?

Sort of. But after all, Martha, what do you expect from an 82-year-old man? That was 44 years ago!

And many thousands of photos later. You know, after you proposed, you told me you wanted to record our entire life in pictures, and you weren’t kidding. That’s why we still have boxes and shelves filled with enough photos to wallpaper this 2800 square foot house! And here we are needing to get rid of stuff so the kids aren’t left with a monumental job when we’re gone. Now, which of them will get the significance of a bowl of red jello? They weren’t even born yet!

Well, Martha. Think of the photo as still life. Not every photo has to be of beautiful scenery or people or…

Of course Matthew, but I have to say that in the 50 plus years we’ve been married, I’ve often been amazed as to how you see a photo in say, a bowl of jello, or mushrooms growing out of a bathroom ceiling in some old hotel in Maine, or a greasy trailer hitch, or…

What trailer hitch? When did I photograph a trailer hitch?

When we travelled down the California coast in the second year of our marriage. We were camping. You’d had several beers on an empty stomach while pitching the tent and you tripped over the hitch. I can still hear the expletives. You slammed your shin good and properly. When you settled down you grabbed one of your several cameras and took a photo of the hitch to record “another important event worth remembering”.

Ha ha. Yes, I do remember that now you mention it. See, that’s the beauty of always having a camera handy. Photos help us remember.

Even when they don’t, right? Sorry for laughing. Do you recognize this photo?

Of course! I took that one of you sitting on those rocks looking at the Atlantic in Newfoundland. Gee, you looked hot in that red string bikini. I couldn’t stop posing you.

How well I remember! My backside was so sore from the jagged edges of the rock sticking into it every time you made me change position till you got the angle you wanted. And it wasn’t enough to take several photos with one Nikon. No. You then grabbed your other one loaded with black & white film and took several more, before you decided you wanted some slides as well and grabbed your third Nikon…all while I was trying not to slip off the bloody rock into the ocean! I wanted to throttle you. 

Oh Martha…stop being so dramatic and making me feel bad. I’d just get carried away when I was taking photos…especially when the photo was of my beautiful new bride.

There you go sweet-talking me again Matthew. Was that the day we started to drive back to the main road and those young kids were pointing at our car and shouting, trying to tell you that you had left all three cameras on top of the car?

Yep. I nearly had heart failure.

You weren’t the only one knowing how much those cameras cost! But, there was one other time on that honeymoon trip that I really wanted to grab your camera and hurl it into the sea.

Let me guess. Prince Edward Island, right? 

Right! Different bikini…

Blue with polka-dots?

Yep. It was more than my bikini that had polka dots that day after you kept me standing up to my waist in the water while darn sand flies and sea lice feasted on my legs, belly and buttocks for 20 minutes! I’ll never forget the red dots that appeared everywhere that night and itched for weeks!

Well, I was standing in the water too and had a few nips myself if I remember correctly.

Yes, but you were standing in water up to your ankles and not to your waist! But just like these days, you never notice mosquitos while I’m being eaten alive, you don’t suffer with allergies like I do. Talk about suffering for art’s sake…except I was the one who always ended up suffering! 

Oh, it wasn’t always you suffering Martha! Do you remember when we had the studio and I had to cover this huge wedding in the country and I had constipation for three days before the wedding?

Oh shoot, yeah!

Well “shoot” isn’t quite the right word. I’ll never forget when the urge finally got me just before dinner and I ran for the toilets. Oh the blessed relief when the blockage released. But then it wouldn’t stop coming. I was sweating and ready to hurl with nausea as well, and the smell! I’ll never forget it. Then I made the mistake of trying to flush…and it flushed…all over the top of the toilet, down the sides, all over the floors and was heading for the doors to the reception hall. Worse yet, members of the wedding party along with guests were waiting to use the toilets. Some were cracking up laughing. Others were disgusted and I was embarrassed to hell and back. Now THAT was suffering for my art…and our livelihood!

Well, fortunately, the bride and groom were very understanding and it didn’t lose us any business.

Yes, but there was one other time we did lose business.

Oh, when was that?

When these two well-dressed couples came into the studio for a portrait just after I’d purchased a lovely long posing bench…and I hadn’t finished tightening the back legs on the bench. Do you remember what happened? 

Remind me.

Well, both the ladies were rather big women so I got the ladies to sit on the bench and their husbands to stand just behind them. Then just as I said “Ok folks. Give me your best”, the darn back legs on the bench gave way. All I saw was two ladies going backwards and two pairs of chubby legs fly up in the air.

OMG! Did you snap the photo at the moment they were giving you “their best”? 

No. Nor did we ever see them again. They left in a huff.

Well, I can’t imagine why. That was a “snapped” moment in more ways than one, Matthew.

Yeah…and even though I was mortified both times, I still burst out laughing whenever I remember them.

Oh, BTW, speaking of remembering, you do know what tomorrow is, right?

Ummm…oh, of course. April 1st. Addie’s birthday!

Right. And trust Martha Banter to be the one to give birth on April 1st. Our poor Addie has had to live with that Banter Blooper for 44 years now!