Fiction Inspirational

Softly splashing water droplets hit the car windows as I drove onwards; turning of the handle in my car caused my wipers to flick the raindrops off my window. The skies are overhung with a blanket of grey, so much so that I can barely tell the difference between the sky and clouds. Despite car rides having the potential to feel tedious that is not the case for me, the rain commonly calms me. I watch raindrops race down. The occasional wave of a puddle can be exciting, especially when going through it. I can just picture it: I can picture the image of the water floating upwards like a tumultuous wave and crashing onto my car; whilst scattering hues of light. Watching it swirl, I was mesmerised; it felt like the movement of water was choreographing my thoughts. It was truly magical.

Coming to a halt, my eyes flickered to the signal ahead. It was of course red but no one else seemed to care. Well of course they didn’t. Why would they? Personally I don’t mind the traffic; since the beginning of time it has always been a loyal acquaintance to me. Why you may ask? Merely because it increased my hourly wages; because the more time the passenger sat in the car, the more they would have to pay me. Simple.

You have probably deduced my profession; wait sorry let me rephrase that: my ex profession. Yes you guessed it right; no don’t doubt yourself. I used to be a taxi driver in the streets on Manhattan. Oh those were the good old days before all of this happened. Right now it is like a plague of incessant torture and remorse. Frankly, unlike my other companions I did enjoy working as a Taxi driver. I remember a time when all my friends Bill, Tom, Sam and of course Zain (I could never forget Zain) did a riot since they weren’t being treated fairly by their company; nevertheless I was in a different company who weren’t all bad, therefore I had nothing to riot for.

Remembering the olden days –ps: I’m not that old- flooded sentimental memories into me; and it made me weep tears of joy. I can remember the car engine singing in the lonely countryside; it was just me and Belle. Oh I relished the roaring breeze that twirled in my long blonde hair and the wind whispered secrets in my ears. Oh how I missed all of our olden days.

I had to pay attention to the lights; I was the only one paying attention to them unsurprisingly. Beside me, I could see a woman in her near 20’s putting on more mascara. How much more does she need? I thought. If this was 20 years ago; I would’ve shouted across and would’ve told her to pay attention to the road. However, now if I did that I would be called a folly or maybe something worse. Who knows?   Nonetheless the point is that she can do whatever she wants to. She can file her nails, put her makeup on or even brush her hair. Nothing will happen to her. She can even use her phone whilst the car is still in motion and to a surprise the cops will not come.

20 years ago, this wasn’t the case but times have changed. Maybe for the best or maybe for the worst. Nevertheless, the fact is that times have changed and I consider myself to be a relatively old guy; so seeing adolescents on their phone whilst driving is simply infuriating. I have found that I can’t seem to adapt with the world around me; I feel like times are changing too quickly and an old guy like me can’t keep up. That’s why every morning I take my car for a little while; yes I know that change can be a good thing but I don’t want this change and that’s why I do what I do because I want to practice this skill till the end of my life.

The only reason why I need to practice my skill is because it has all been replaced; there is no use for a guy like me anymore. I never get calls from my work asking if I’m available for work or if I’m free to come down. I don’t hear these things anymore. Sometimes I feel like a burden in society because I don’t feel like I belong here and I know I shouldn’t be saying all this gibberish but unfortunately this is true.

Beside me, the girl has an AID-xx01-1278 model of the BMW car. Can you guess what the first 3 letters stand for? Take your time; no rush. They stand for: Artificial Intelligence Driven. So to put it into simple terms; the car next to me is being driven by a computer algorithm. It has sensors such as wind, rain or even heat. When sitting in one you don’t need to do anything; you can just relax and enjoy the ride. This car will take you to your destination in the shortest route possible so you don’t need to think about whether you make the right turn now or later; the computer will do it for you.

Yes there are moral issues with this; but no one cares about that as long as their being lazy and the company is worth around a trillion dollars; more or less. So they don’t care either. Technology has advanced and made us human’s idler. I know it’s not our fault but we must get one thing right: we must take care of our bodies because at the end of the day they are the things that will keep us alive. One staggering fact is around 10% of the world’s population have their own home, clean water and sanitation and access to good education. However, another staggering fact is that around 70% of the world has these Artificial Intelligence Driven cars. So technically, people have the money to buy these cars but not the money to provide education for their children. Oh what has the world come to?

Driving back home, the wind flopped my remaining hair to the side until it was at the tip of my eyebrows. Spreading far and wide, the lush grass went on for miles and miles. Getting speeds up to 100 miles per hour felt like a personal heaven. Reaching to the driveway of the house; I could see Belle and she came towards me.

“How are you feeling my dear” asked Belle.

“I think I’m getting too old for this world” I replied.

Posted Jan 29, 2021
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59 likes 58 comments

Michael Boquet
15:46 Feb 07, 2021

Fun story. A good example of speculative fiction done well. I like how you wrote your main character's voice. Thanks for the like. I hope you'll check out some more of my stories.

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Palak Shah
15:53 Feb 07, 2021

Thank you so much for your comment.
Yes I will definitely check out some more of your stories. :))

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14:34 Feb 07, 2021

Awesome story, it made me feel like I was there! Great job!

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Palak Shah
14:54 Feb 07, 2021

Thank you :))

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15:06 Feb 07, 2021

No problem

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Palak Shah
15:55 Feb 07, 2021

:))

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16:03 Feb 07, 2021

Oh, yeah! If you want your story featured in my bio, you have to solve the riddle in my bio and comment on the answer in my newest story Betrayal.

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Palak Shah
22:51 Feb 07, 2021

Done it. Hopefully it is the right answer. :))

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Pratik Bhandari
14:49 Feb 06, 2021

amazingly written Palak

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Palak Shah
14:57 Feb 06, 2021

Thank you :))

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Interesting story, Palak! It fit the prompt perfectly and was a great reflection on what the future may look like. Your imagery of rain in the car, in the beginning, was realistic and beautifully described. It was creative how you added in small lines talking to the reader like, "Yes you guessed it right; no don’t doubt yourself." Also, your ending did a spectacular job of summarizing the entire story.

As far as feedback, a few suggestions:
~ "Technology has advanced and made us human’s idler." 'human's' should be 'humans'
~“How are you feeling my dear” should be "How are you feeling, my dear?"
~ “I think I’m getting too old for this world” should be "“I think I’m getting too old for this world,” note the comma at the end.

I really enjoyed reading this, it was creative and fascinating. Keep writing! <3

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Palak Shah
18:46 Mar 09, 2021

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate you taking the time and reading my story. I will try to consider all of these things when writing my next story.

~Palak :))

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Eliza Entwistle
14:44 Jul 29, 2021

A thought-provoking story about change. Great writing :)

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Palak Shah
20:43 Jul 29, 2021

Thank you so much for this amazing feedback :))

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Dhwani Jain
16:29 Jun 26, 2021

Wow!
It was a sweet story, but sadly I couldn't find the humour in it.
I believe that the paragraphs were a tad too long and if you would have divided them a bit, it would look better while reading.
Rest, all's awesome!
And yes, 🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫

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Palak Shah
17:03 Jun 26, 2021

Oh okay, i will bear that in mind
Thanks for the suggestion and thanks for reading my story :))

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Dhwani Jain
17:12 Jun 26, 2021

Welcome!
I will wait for your feedback on my stories too!!!

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Palak Shah
17:29 Jun 26, 2021

Yh I will do it ASAP :))

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This was a very interesting approach! I loved the ending a lot! Made sense:)))

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Palak Shah
15:10 Apr 01, 2021

Thank you so much Varsha for the feedback :))

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Melanie Knapp
23:45 Feb 14, 2021

I like saying this story out loud with a bit of an accent.... it's a good story.. I like it's slower pace... and the nature the person sees... I would have liked to have seen more of the nature..

thanks
MELANIE

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Palak Shah
12:34 Feb 15, 2021

Thanks Melanie for your feedback. I will bear that in mind when writing my next stories. Thanks for reading my story :))

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Philip Clayberg
00:49 Feb 12, 2021

Thank you for writing this story. It had its sad moments, but I think the ending is more hopeful than sad. Btw, the third-to-last paragraph reminds me of the lyrics to the Rush song, "Red Barchetta".

And here are the editing remarks (feel free to disagree with them):

caused my wipers to flick the raindrops off my window. [I would change "window" here to "windshield", because wipers are on windshields, not on windows. If you aren't American and prefer British vernacular instead, I would change "window" to "windscreen".]

The skies are overhung [I would change "overhung" to "overcast".]

the difference between the sky and clouds. [I would change "and clouds" to either "and the clouds" or "and the cloud layer". "Clouds" if you mean the kind that doesn't clump together to form cloud layers. "Cloud layer" if you mean the kind you see on a rainy day or snowy day, where it seems like the entire sky is just one huge cloud.]

that is not the case for me, the rain commonly calms me. [I would say: , that is not the case for me because the rain usually calms me. [or] relaxes me.]

I watch raindrops race down. [If the raindrops are on the windshield, I would change "race down" to "slide down the windshield". If the raindrops are falling on the street, sidewalk, or ground, I would change "race down" to "fall from the gray sky." or something similar.]

The occasional wave of a puddle [I would change "wave" to "splash". I don't think you'd find waves in puddles, except maybe on a very very windy day.]

when going through it. [Since the narrator is in a car, maybe change "going" to "driving".]

I can just picture it: I can picture [This sounds redundant to me. Either omit "I can just picture it;" or omit "I can picture". You don't need both.]

; it felt like the movement of water [Maybe change the semicolon to a colon. Or change the semicolon to a period and start the next sentence with "It felt like".]

a loyal acquaintance to me. [I would change "to me." to "of mine."]

Why you may ask? [I would say: "Why?" you might ask.]

; because the more time the passenger sat in the car [I would change the semicolon to a colon and then omit "because" (you've already said it earlier in the same sentence. Or change the semicolon to a period and start the next sentence with: The more time the passenger]

You have probably deduced my profession; wait sorry let me rephrase that: my ex profession. Yes you guessed it right; no don’t doubt yourself. [I probably would say, "You can probably guess what my profession is. Wait -- sorry -- let me rephrase that. My ex-profession. What was your guess, then? Excellent. You guessed correctly."]

in the streets on Manhattan [I would say: on the streets of Manhattan]

Oh those were the good old days before all of this happened. [What is "this"? You didn't say what it referred to. Also, maybe say: Oh, those were the good old days. Before all this happened. [or] Before everything changed for the worse.]

Frankly, unlike my other companions I did enjoy [I would add a comma after "companions"]

as a Taxi driver. [I would change "Taxi" to "taxi"]

I remember a time when all my friends Bill, Tom, Sam and of course Zain (I could never forget Zain) did a riot since they weren’t being treated fairly by their company; nevertheless I was in a different company who weren’t all bad, therefore I had nothing to riot for. [I would say: I remember back when all my friends, Bill, Tom, Sam, and, of course, Zain (wonderful, unforgettable Zain) caused a fuss because they weren't being treated fairly by their company. At that time, I was in a different company which wasn't all bad. Unlike my friends, I had nothing to complain about.]

Remembering the olden days –ps: I’m not that old- flooded sentimental memories into me; and it made me weep tears of joy. [I would say: When I remembered those olden days (P.S.: in case you were wondering, I'm not that old), feelings and memories flooded into me, making me cry happy tears.]

I can remember the car engine singing in the lonely countryside; it was just me and Belle. [I would say: I can remember driving through the lonely countryside. Just me and Belle and the sound of the engine to keep us company.]

Oh I relished the roaring breeze that twirled in my long blonde hair and the wind whispered secrets in my ears. Oh how I missed all of our olden days. [I would say: Oh, I relished the roaring wind that messed with my long blonde hair and whispered secrets in my ears.]

I had to pay attention to the lights; I was the only one paying attention to them unsurprisingly. [First, I would change "lights" to "traffic lights". Then I would change the semicolon to a period, and say: It didn't surprise me that I was the only person paying attention to them.]

Beside me, I could see a woman in her near 20’s putting on more mascara. [I would say: In the car beside me, I could see a woman in her 20s, putting on more mascara.]

If this was 20 years ago; I would’ve shouted across and would’ve told her [First, I would change the semicolon to a comma. Then I would say: I would've shouted at her and told her]

now if I did that I would be called a folly or maybe something worse. [I would say: if I did that now, I would probably be called an idiot or maybe something even worse.]

Nonetheless the point is that she can do whatever she wants to. [I would change "Nonetheless the point is that" to "Regardless,"]

She can even use her phone whilst the car is still in motion and to a surprise the cops will not come. [I would change "to a surprise the cops will not come." to "the police won't pull her over and give her a warning or even a ticket."]

to adapt with the world around me; I feel like times are changing too quickly and an old guy like me can’t keep up. [First, I would change "with" to "to", and the semicolon to a period. Then I would say: For an old guy like me, I feel like everything is changing too quickly and I just can't keep up.]

That’s why every morning I take my car for a little while; yes I know that change can be a good thing but I don’t want this change and that’s why I do what I do because I want to practice this skill till the end of my life. [First, I would add "out" after "car" and change the semicolon to a period. Then I would say: Yes, I know that change can be a good thing but I don't want this to change. So that I don't forget how to, I'm going to keep driving my taxi every day until I die.]

The only reason why I need to practice my skill is because it has all been replaced; there is no use for a guy like me anymore. [I would say: This is why I'm going to keep doing this: there aren't any human taxi drivers anymore. We've all been replaced by computer-driven taxis.]

I never get calls from my work asking if I’m available for work or if I’m free to come down. [I would say: I'm not even asked if I'm available to drive anyone anymore. The taxi garage in downtown Manhattan feels like a graveyard. Plenty of taxis for hire, but not a single human behind the wheel.]

I don’t hear these things anymore. [I would probably delete this sentence. I don't think it's needed.]

Sometimes I feel like a burden in society because I don’t feel like I belong here and I know I shouldn’t be saying all this gibberish but unfortunately this is true. [I would say: There are days when I feel like I'm just a burden to society because they don't need my skills anymore. I'm not just ranting. I'm telling the honest-to-God truth.]

Beside me, the girl [I would say: In the car beside me, the girl]

Take your time; no rush. [I would change "no rush" to "there's no rush".]

So to put it into simple terms; the car next to me is being driven by a computer algorithm. [I would say: To put it simply: the car next to me is bring driven by computer software.]

It has sensors such as wind, rain or even heat. [I would say: It has sensors to detect changes in wind speed and wind direction, whether it's raining or not, as well as how hot it is outside the taxi.]

When sitting in one you don’t need to do anything; you can just relax and enjoy the ride. [I would say: When you're sitting in one, you don't need to do anything. Just relax and enjoy the ride.]

This car will take you to your destination in the shortest route possible so you don’t need to think about whether you make the right turn now or later; the computer will do it for you. [I would say: Her taxi will take you to your destination by the shortest possible route. You'll never have to think about whether you make a right turn now or maybe a few blocks down the street. The computer will do it all for you.]

Yes there are moral issues with this; but no one cares about that as long as their being lazy and the company is worth around a trillion dollars; more or less. [I would say: Yes, there are moral issues with this. But no one cares about those issues as long as they're being lazy and the company is worth about a trillion dollars (more or less).]

So they don’t care either. [Who is "they" here? If it's the same as in the previous sentence, then I would omit this sentence. It's redundant.]

Technology has advanced and made us human’s idler. [I would change "human's idler" to "human drivers obsolete".]

One staggering fact is around 10% of the world’s population have their own home, clean water and sanitation and access to good education. [I would change "sanitation and access" to "sanitation, as well as"]

Oh what has the world come to? [I would omit "Oh" and say: What has the modern world come to?]

Getting speeds up to 100 miles per hour felt like a personal heaven. [I would say: Increasing the taxi's speed up to 100 mph felt like a little piece of heaven.]

Reaching to the driveway of the house; I could see Belle and she came towards me. [I would start a new paragraph here. Also, I would omit "to" and change the semicolon to a comma, and say: I could see Belle coming towards me.]

“How are you feeling my dear” asked Belle. [I would add a question mark before the close quotes.]

“I think I’m getting too old for this world” I replied. [I would add a comma before the close quotes.]

Maybe I'd add some more paragraphs at the end of your story:

"That's probably what our parents said when they saw us drive off together on our first date," Belle said. "I think you were driving a Dodge Charger back then."

"That was one sweet ride," I said.

"It sure was," she said. She put her arms around my neck and kissed me. "That's one thing the youth can't take away from the old: the memories. All those wonderful memories and all those shared experiences."

"I bet they can't believe we were ever young," I said.

"Oh, we were," she said with a smile and a laugh. The same smile and laugh I remembered from our first date. "Come inside. I've made something special for dinner. Something I haven't made in a long time."

We walked hand-in-hand to the front door. I opened the door and followed Belle inside.

Sure, a computer can drive a car. But it'll never be able to express friendship and love the way we humans can.

Besides, who'd want to sleep with a cold computer each night when they have a warm-blooded human being to sleep with instead? I don't know about you, but I'll take Belle over a computer any day.

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Palak Shah
14:24 Feb 12, 2021

Thank you so much for doing this. For my next story I have tried to get my punctuation right and hopefully that makes it better. Thanks for the time that you have put into this and this has helped me a lot :))

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Philip Clayberg
03:47 Feb 13, 2021

You're very welcome. I'm glad I could help. I'm sometimes afraid that I mention far too much in my editing comments and might annoy the writer. But when a writer like yourself is appreciative of my editing efforts, then I'm grateful for the help I gave and the time it took to read as thoroughly as possible. One day, though, I'd like to go back and read short stories just for the enjoyment. But the editor in my head would probably still interrupt and say, "Yeah, but see that? That can't be correct. And over there, that's the wrong word in that context. And that isn't spelled correctly." And so on. I still spot typos in online news reports, which I'm surprised that the reports' writers didn't spot before submitting them to their bosses and before the reports were posted on websites where everyone else can read them, mistakes and all.

I had to remember that some writers on this website use British English. Kind of like watching "Sherlock" with Benedict Cumberbatch. They sometimes used British terms in that TV series that I didn't initially understand (even though I've watched Monty Python, Benny Hill, and other BBC series and documentaries). For instance, "It's in good nick." I had to ask a guy from England what that phrase meant and he said, "That means it's in good shape." Having read books published in England and books written by British writers, I've encountered terms (and spellings) over the decades that aren't used here in America.

When it comes to punctuation, it's easy to slip up. Especially if (as I sometimes do) you're writing a story late at night. Your eyes and brain will be quite certain that you wrote everything correctly, punctuation and all. But when you go back to reread it, you'll find again and again mistakes you made. And if I reread more than once, I tend to find even more mistakes and more places that could be written better. But, eventually, I have to tell myself to stop rereading. Just let it go. I've done my best with it and that's good enough. My late father told me once, "If you've done your best -- *your* best, not anyone else's -- then that's good enough." Words of wisdom to live by and write by.

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Palak Shah
18:19 Feb 13, 2021

Yes I normally do write mine late at night and them I see so many punctuation mistakes and then I have to correct them over and over again. :))

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Philip Clayberg
21:51 Feb 13, 2021

I don't know how my mother does it. Maybe she just has a very good brain when it comes to grammar and punctuation. (She probably inherited it from her mother, who got a Ph.D in English and whose doctorate dissertation was on Shakespeare's plays.) Then again, maybe she usually doesn't write late at night and instead does it during the day when she's more awake and alert. Sometimes, though, she'll leave the editing of one of my transcriptions until the night before the translation is due at the client and she'll have to stay up really late *and* get up really early to do the editing, create the invoice, and send both translation and invoice to the client. I doubt that she rereads her translation over and over again. I think she trusts her writing skills far more than I trust mine.

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Estelle Westley
04:07 Feb 09, 2021

Very good story.
I loved the main character and the flow.
Easy reading so I could see everything.
Great job.

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Palak Shah
09:36 Feb 09, 2021

Thank you so much for commenting :))

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M C
23:19 Jun 04, 2021

I really enjoyed this story, and your writing is amazing! You did a great job and I like the way you used the prompt! Excellent job! :) I have written a new story and I would greatly appreciate it if you could read it and leave me some feedback on it :)

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Palak Shah
10:46 Jun 05, 2021

Thanks Maci, I am coming over right now :))

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Francis Daisy
10:58 May 03, 2021

LOVE the POV! Your descriptions are so vivid!
PS - thank you for liking my stories too!

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Palak Shah
11:56 May 03, 2021

No problem, thanks for reading my story and sharing your feedback :))

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Zahra Daya
02:16 Feb 09, 2021

A pretty cool idea for a story! I do think the idea you had in mind was brilliant, however, there are some things that could be improved on. All constructive criticism to help you out :)

1. Pay attention to the tense. You switched in a couple paragraphs where it wasn't meant to be switched.
2. Proofread for grammar and punctuation errors. I found quite a lot here.
3. Maybe try to come up with an actual plot - I felt as though this was more of an opening to a story rather than a stand-alone story. Nothing really significant happened to allow this to stand alone.

That all being said, your vocab is absolutely phenomenal! I loved all the words and especially how you used them all to create great imagery!

- Zahra :)

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Palak Shah
09:39 Feb 09, 2021

Thank you for your feedback.
I will pay attention to these details such as my spelling, punctuation and grammar.
I feel like I should consider this a draft and write a story that has more going on in it.
Your critique has been very helpful to me and I write try and improve in these areas. :))

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Zahra Daya
14:58 Feb 09, 2021

Yay! I'm glad I could be of help and yes this is an amazing first draft then :)
Also, if you get a minute, I'd love it if you could look at some of my previous stories and leave feedback!

- Your friend, Zahra :)

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Palak Shah
15:15 Feb 09, 2021

Of course I will :))

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Godwin Kirimi
23:59 Feb 08, 2021

wow. the transition was wonderful. Haha i hope you ain't as old though

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Palak Shah
09:39 Feb 09, 2021

I hope I am not also :))
Thank you for your comment.

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19:46 Feb 08, 2021

This is amazing! I love the detail.

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Palak Shah
09:46 Feb 09, 2021

Thank you :))

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J R
17:00 Feb 08, 2021

This is a very good story! Great plot, good exposition. I do have some suggestions because you asked; I think it felt pretty raw, like a draft. Nothing a little editing can’t fix, but for instance, phrases like “Did a riot” and “flooded sentimental memories into me” sound awkward. A simple change to “rioting” and “flooding me with sentimental memories” would help it sound natural. I would also edit punctuation throughout the story to be grammatically and/or colloquially correct, and indicate pauses where they would naturally go. But overall, I really liked the conversational tone accentuated by the questions you included, and the perspective that must have been an exercise of your imagination. (saw your bio). Amazing content, your ideas are epitomic, just maybe polish the details of how you convey them.

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Palak Shah
09:36 Feb 09, 2021

Oh okay I wholeheartedly agree with you . I feel like I should've read it better and added in these details. Additionally, I will focus on the minute detail such as my grammar and punctuation.
Thank you so much for your feedback and it wonderful seeing your comment and your critique has really helped me to improve my work overall. :))

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Frances Reine
16:32 Feb 08, 2021

I wasn't sure which story to start with but I settled on the latest one.

This is like looking through a foggy window after you've smeared it with your sleeve. A rare feeling. The voice is definitely there--a shining point that's difficult to do. Love it.
Some critique:
-the rain commonly calms me--> is a bit of a mouthful because "commonly" and "calms" is pulped together.
-the last bundle of paragraphs are a little overly informative. "They stand for: Artificial Intelligence Driven. So to put it into simple terms; the car next to me is being driven by a computer algorithm. It has sensors such as wind, rain or even heat. When sitting in one you don’t need to do anything; you can just relax and enjoy the ride. "
It's blended in article vibes which is not as welcomed in a fiction story.

Hope the critique wasn't harsh. I enjoyed this wholeheartedly and can't wait to read more from you :)

Reply

Palak Shah
09:31 Feb 09, 2021

Yes I understand your point of view.
Now that I think about it I understand why this can be seen as confusing.
The line 'the rain commonly calms me' - was used to be an alliteration nevertheless it is a mouthful and not pleasant to read.
Thank you so much for your honest feedback. It was wonderful that you did this and the critique was perfect and I will try and make my writing much better next time.
Thank you so much for your time in reading my work.

Reply

Frances Reine
13:11 Feb 09, 2021

Of course--I love reading short stories :)
Thanks for greeting the critique with open arms. You're a wonderful writer and I can't wait to see the new worlds you shape with your words.

Reply

Palak Shah
13:19 Feb 09, 2021

Thank you so much for all your help :))

Reply

Frances Reine
13:20 Feb 09, 2021

Anytime :)

Reply

Beth Connor
16:26 Feb 08, 2021

Great story! I could really relate to your main character (and that makes me feel old lol!) The story had good pacing and was very engaging. There were a few spots where a phrase was repeated. The best advice I ever got was to read your stories out loud to catch those spots. Well done.

Reply

Palak Shah
20:59 Feb 08, 2021

Yes I will definitely do that next time. Thank you so much for reading my story and giving me this feedback :))

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TJ Squared
16:25 Feb 08, 2021

It was a good story. I like how you described the sky at the beginning. It paints a great picture in your head. I always try to see myself in stories, and that is accomplished by descriptive words. Great job!

Reply

Palak Shah
09:46 Feb 09, 2021

Thank you so much for your feedback :))

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TJ Squared
16:56 Feb 09, 2021

no problem! :-)

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Gerald Daniels
20:54 Feb 07, 2021

Great story. I feel the main character has so much more to say, perhaps delve more into his thoughts and explain the reasons why he feels so at odds with technology and progress? Good characterisation, I really felt quite sympathetic towards him.

Reply

Palak Shah
22:58 Feb 07, 2021

Yes same I also feel very sympathetic towards him. Thank you so much for your feedback; it was wonderful and yes I will try to delve deeper into my character thoughts in my next stories. :))

Reply

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