Rubbing out Secrets

In the eighteenth century, a genie gave a certain Sultan a magic ring which, when rubbed, would force a woman’s private parts to speak, and confess all their indiscretions. In the end, the Sultan’s misuse of the ring led the genie to take it back. Two hundred years later, in Mumbai – just the other day, in fact – the same genie gave the ring to a good woman named Paula, and told her that it worked just as well on men.

Here’s how all the twisted fun unfolded.

Paula elbowed her way out of the crowded train. Short and skinny, the thirty-six-year-old marketing professional pulled out her phone and speed-dialled her father’s number.

“Dad, is Robert rediscovering the Bible at your place again?”

“That’s hardly a thing to be angry about, dear.” Martin’s voice buzzed through her headphones. “Your hubby’s a fine man. He never misses my Sunday sermons, and stops by after work on Wednesdays to connect with the Lord.”

“Is he with you right now?”

“I’m afraid not, dear, it’s only Monday-”

“So much for the psalms. He’s probably working overtime with his secretary, Neha.”

“Do I sense hostility? That’s unkind, Paula. You don’t realize what a gem Robert is.”

“All men have urges,” said Paula. “They’re all pigs.”

Martin was silent. His mind wandered back many years, to the day his wife divorced him. The same day, Paula had turned thirteen.

“Except you, Dad.” Paula bit her lip. She had not seen her mother after the divorce, twenty-three years ago.

“Robert is no different, dear.” Martin returned to the present. “Now that we’re at it, I’ll tell you the truth. Robert did have sinful feelings for Neha; on the very first day she joined.”

“That rat! So, he’s been screwing her for a year now?”

“Jesus have mercy on your soul, Paula! Mind your language!”

“What did he do with Neha?”

“Nothing with her, dear. He fantasized about Neha, the same day he welcomed her to her new job. Later, ashamed all alone in his cabin, he rebuked himself. He wrote Neha an email, requesting her to start work a week later. He offered her a company-paid vacation for the abrupt change in her schedule. Then he rushed to the church and confessed everything, not realizing I was the pastor behind the veil in his confessional booth. He felt awful and surrendered himself to the life Jesus wants him to live. That’s how he’s been ever since. Robert and Neha have a purely professional relationship, dear; there’s no sinful stuff there. And that’s why ever since Robert atoned for his sin, he drops by to my place every Wednesday, after work. There’s nothing like a midweek Bible lesson to keep one’s soul pure and to walk on God’s path. Robert no longer hides any secrets when we catch up. He doesn’t even need a confessional booth to speak freely anymore.”

Paula rolled her eyes. Her finger was twitching, eager to hang up the call.

“But where is he right now, if not at your place?”

“I really don’t know, dear.” Martin’s voice shrank to a whisper.

Paula hung up.

* * *

Paula walked on the pothole-ridden narrow street. She hated passing by the slums on her way home, but today a bright green shack caught her eye. She stopped in her tracks.

On walking closer, Paula realized the shack was nothing more than a poorly assembled frame of scrap plywood, held together with rusty nails. Bright green tarpaulin sheets stretched over the shack’s top and sides, fastened at the corners with worn-off jute ropes.

Paula walked up to the shack’s opening. She saw a signboard. It was an off-white, dusty canvas with hand-painted English letters shaped to look like an ancient script, possibly a variant of Arabic. The sign read:

D. Jim

Expert Love Guru

Do u hav love problem? All husband-wife matter, all ex-lover problems

100% solution guarantee

Paula snorted her contempt and began to walk away. On an impulse, she stopped and turned.

“What do I have to lose?” Paula argued with herself. “Besides, I could use a laugh.”

She sighed and stepped inside, her face bearing a half-amused frown.

“What troubles you, my love?” the man asked.

He was at least seven feet tall. Hunched uncomfortably on a small steel chair, it was all he could do to keep his head from touching the roof of the shack. Paula felt a sudden rush of panic. Was it wise to be inside a shady hut on the edge of a slum?

With her eyes locked on the strange man, she took a step back. With one foot on either side of the shack’s narrow entrance, she was ready to make a beeline for the taxi stand.

“Wait, Paula!” The man flashed a wide smile.

His words and his smile dazzled Paula. She found herself walking back into the gloomy, greenish light inside the shack. The man stretched his hands forward, both fists clenched.

“How do you know my name?” she stammered.

“I also know you have a problem,” he said.

“Oh, really?”

“You fear your husband lies to you.”

“What?”

“Do you?”

“Well, yes.” Paula’s jaw dropped. “How did you know?”

“You want me to reveal my trade secrets?” The man groaned. “Oh well, business isn’t booming, so what the heck. I’ll tell you. Do you think my signboard attracts everyone passing by?”

“No, I guess it only attracts the most gullible people of Mumbai.”

“That’s right. Bad grammar and poor spellings keep smart people – such as you – away.”

“You’re right!” Paula sniggered and looked around. “I suppose the only ones who come here are hopeless romantics and creepy perverts, whose only chance for love is voodoo!”

“Rather unkind words for my clientele, don’t you think?” The man buried his face in his gigantic hands.

“Let’s see what you got, Doctor.” Paula tried to hide her sarcasm. “You said I’m smart, yet I don’t know if my husband is cheating on me.”

“Take this.”

The man lowered his right arm slowly, until his tightly clenched fist was at Paula’s eye-level, only inches from her face. He opened his hand.

Paula saw a small silver ring, nestled between the wrinkles of the man’s abnormally large hand. She hesitated to touch the ring. But before she knew it – as if hypnotized momentarily – she had picked up the ring and brought it to within an inch of her eye. She stared at the deep green rock embedded in the ring’s wiry frame.

“What do I do with it?” she asked, lost in a trance.

“Wear it.” The man smiled.

“Okay.” Paula loved the soft feel of her new ring. “Now what?”

“Problem solved! Now your husband – in fact, all men – will never lie to you again, as long as you’re wearing this ring.”

Minutes later, Paula snapped out of the trance. She found herself in the middle of a fish market. She looked behind and wondered how and when she got here.

She saw the green shack far away. Only a part of the signboard was readable at this distance. Paula could read only the quack’s name – D. Jim.

Paula squinted her eyes, unable to believe the sight. Fluorescent-green smoke rose from the base of the shack. It grew denser and slowly coiled around the shack. Within moments, the smoke swallowed the entire shack. When the smoke cleared, the shack was gone!

In place of the signboard with “D. Jim” readable only a moment ago, she now saw a wisp of green smoke. The smoke morphed till it formed the letters “D. Jim”. As Paula looked on with bated breath, the smoke changed shape again to form the letters “D. Jinn”. Paula rubbed her eyes, and when she looked again, the smoke now spelled in all capitals: “DJINN”, before disappearing in Mumbai’s routine evening pollution.

D. Jim was a djinn – a genie – and two-hundred years of boredom in the human world had been too much for him. The last time he gifted his ring to the humans, he had regretted it. The Sultan had abused the ring – just as much as he had abused the powerless women whom he victimized with blackmail. D. Jim hoped Paula would do justice to the ring’s powerful magic.

* * *

It was midnight. Robert was still not home. Paula drank the last of her whiskey, reading her father’s text message for the umpteenth time. It had arrived hours ago, just before she got home.

Sweetheart, Robert came over to meet me right after we spoke. Don’t worry, he just couldn’t wait for our Wednesday session. Like I told you, your husband is a man of God. Good night.

Paula was relieved, yet deep in her heart, she knew something was off. Now she had the ring. She would learn the truth soon enough. Uneasy from the drinking, she fell asleep on the couch in the living room.

Robert opened the door at the break of dawn. He was startled to see his wife sprawled over the floor, one leg on the couch and an empty bottle of whiskey by her side.

“Paula! Wake up,” Robert said, lifting her off the floor. “How much did you drink last night?”

He placed her on the couch. She awoke, still groggy from the booze. The hangover would hit within moments.

“Where were you last night, Robert?” Her head throbbed and her limbs were numb.

She rubbed her hands to get the blood flowing again. As she rubbed, she felt the cold green rock on her ring.

“At your Dad’s place,” Robert said.

“Where else did you think he was, silly?” Robert’s penis asked aloud from inside his pants.

“Whoa!” Robert stammered, and grabbed his crotch with both hands. His eyes opened wide with terror.

Paula smiled. The ring had worked.

“Who said that?” Robert’s face was red.

“Quiet Robert, I’ll ask the questions!” Paula’s hangover should have hit by now, but a rush of wonder and excitement had flushed the alcohol out of her system.

“So, what the hell is going on between you and Neha?” Paula looked at Robert’s groin.

“Ask your man, he won’t lie,” the penis replied.

Robert screamed. He tore open his zipper, yanked off his belt and threw down his pants. Sure enough, his penis was throbbing and alive. A vague, almost unnoticeable human face appeared on his organ’s thick head.

“That’s not what the ring is for,” Paula said, eyes locked on Robert’s penis, as she rubbed the ring again. “Tell me, have you been to places I don’t know of?”

“Oh, I don’t kiss and tell,” the penis said. Its opening became wider and smaller as the penis spoke, with disturbing resemblance to a human mouth.

“Stop being a dick!” Paula screamed, rubbing her ring vigorously.

Robert fainted. He landed on his back and was flat on the floor. Much to Paula’s amazement, Robert’s penis was up and active, standing in attention.

“Spit it out,” Paula commanded.

The penis giggled. “Nice choice of words. Care to give me a hand?”

“Oh, stop it! Do you have a name I can call you by?”

“Well, I always fancied being called Richard, but for short, you can call me-”

“Let me guess,” Paula rolled her eyes. “Dick?”

“Score!” Dick replied.

Paula wanted to wring Dick’s neck. But Dick would have enjoyed that.

“Is Robert cheating on me?” Paula was exasperated.

“I’m warning you. You don’t want to know. By the time I’m done, you’ll wish he was doing Neha!”

* * *

An hour later, Paula sat like a statue. She gazed at her weeping husband mindlessly, his face buried in his hands as his bottom sank into the sofa.

Her father sat on her other side, fuming and staring at Robert with bloodshot eyes.

“What a scoundrel you turned out to be!” Martin bellowed.

“Go easy on him, Dad,” Paula said, her eyes still latched onto Robert.

“How can I, my princess?” Martin asked. “Who did he cheat on you with, my dear?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?” Paula scoffed, turning her head sharply to her father.

“What do you mean?” Martin felt a thunderbolt rip through his heart.

“Why don’t you tell me?” Paula rubbed her ring.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Martin said.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Paula said. Her finger was sore from rubbing the green stone.

“Yeah Pastor, shut up. This isn’t a sermon,” Martin’s penis said.

Martin stood up with a start and hit himself in the groin, only to fall back on the sofa with a grimace.

“Hey! Pick on someone your own size, Pastor!” Martin’s penis howled in agony.

“Who said that?” Martin shrieked.

Robert burst out laughing, though his eyes still overflowed with tears of regret. Paula gave him a stare.

“I did,” Martin’s penis said. “Call me Willie.”

Paula slapped her forehead. Robert laughed even louder.

“Do all penises have corny names?” Paula furrowed her brows.

“Says who? I’m no Richard – he’s a dick only when shortened.” Willie smirked.

“Oh yeah? That’s only because shortening you further would greatly embarrass the Pastor,” Dick retorted.

Martin turned away from his daughter, unzipped his pants and peeked inside. Unable to bear the surreal experience anymore, he fainted.

“Let’s hear what you got, Willie,” Paula said. “Out with it.”

Willie sniggered. “Get a load of this woman!”

“Will you guys stop being dicks and tell me what the hell is going on?” Paula tore some hair off her head.

“Okay, okay, we’ll behave now,” said Dick and Willie in unison.

Robert cleared his throat. As did Dick a heartbeat later.

“So, Paula, you asked for it,” Dick said. “As I told you, Robert is gay. And he’s been ploughing your dad every Wednesday after work.”

“Hey, I do some ploughing myself, you know,” Willie interrupted.

“Yeah, but you get the picture, right?” Dick asked Paula.

“Only too vividly,” Paula said, shaking her head in disgust, her eyes shut tight.

Though Robert was wearing his pants, the image of a human face on his penis was not something she could ever unsee. The only saving grace was that she hadn’t seen Willie.

“Alright, but if Dad was Robert’s partner, why didn’t he know where Robert was last night when I called him?”

“Ah, Robert wanted to give Martin a nice surprise – so he told you he was off to meet your dad, but he didn’t tell Martin that he was on his way,” Dick explained.

“What kind of surprise?” Paula regretted the question as soon as she asked it.

“It was our first anniversary last night!” Willie said. “Dick and I first met exactly a year ago!”

Paula looked at Robert, flabbergasted, her jaw hanging from her face.

“So, what’s the truth of Robert and his feelings for Neha a year ago? What did he say in the confessional booth?” Paula asked.

“Listen, sweetheart-” Robert started.

“You stay out of this, little man,” Willie rebuked. “She’s talking to Dick.”

Martin’s unzipped pants bulged as Willie spoke. Paula took a look but soon turned away before the sight made her puke.

“Thanks, Willie,” Dick said. “Robert didn’t know I preferred boys all his life. After Neha joined as his new secretary, he was dumbstruck by her beauty – what can I say, she had fabulous shoes and that pink purse was to die for! I wish Robert switched to her shampoo and conditioner – man, her hair smelled so sweet! I could smell it all the way inside his pants!”

Willie sniggered. “Yeah, he tried to rub one out in his cabin after Neha left. He even sat in the warmth she left behind in her seat.”

“You don’t know that!” Dick was cross. “Let me tell my story.”

“Aww geez, don’t throw your panties up in a bunch, mate,” Willie said. “I heard Robert’s confession too, you know. Can’t you be the bigger man and let me tell the story?”

“I’ll always be bigger than you!” Dick said. “Anyway, so as I was saying, Paula. Robert began to fantasize about Neha, but he couldn’t get himself to finish. He thought his guilt was the reason. He didn’t realize he was finally coming out of the closet. The hardest part is self-realization. He mistakenly thought it would be best to send Neha on a vacation and use the time to repent and ensure he didn’t give in to his temptation. He went to church and confessed.”

“Without a clue his father-in-law was on the other side of the veil, hearing his confession!” Willie added. “Martin was happy his son-in-law felt so guilty about having feelings for Neha. He asked if Robert had ever felt that way about other women.”

“It was a charge Robert denied emphatically.” Dick’s voice sank to a whisper. “A little too emphatically.”

Robert was sombre, a fresh tear rolled down his cheek.

“And that’s when Robert realized he was gay,” Willie said. “Martin was outraged with his son-in-law! He said it was sinful to be gay. He rebuked Robert but halfway into his lecture, he couldn’t go on.”

“Because our little friend was growing larger in his pants!” Dick laughed.

“That’s right,” Willie agreed. “Robert’s heartfelt confession of his desire to sleep with a man aroused Pastor Martin in a way he had never felt before. He realized he was gay too!”

Paula looked at Robert, just as Martin regained his consciousness.

“What on God’s Earth is going on?” Martin demanded, groggy yet livid at realizing his pants were unzipped. He sat upright and tried to pull up his zipper.

Before he could, Willie stuck his head out.

“What beautiful shade of hair dye is that?” Willie asked, looking at Paula. “Oh wow, what a beautiful daughter you’ve got, Martin. It’s a shame I never saw her before!”

Dick shouted from inside Robert’s pants, “I warned you before, Paula. Don’t you wish now Robert had slept with Neha instead?”

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