Going the Extra Mile

“My palms and feet were sweaty. My heart was racing. I scanned the other racers. Skinny blonde girl with legs for days, a buff looking dude in camo, a little kid maybe eleven, who gave me a dirty, look so I stuck my tongue out at him. There were a lot of serious looking racers, but some jokers too. Some people wore tutus and were singing. I ignored the queasy feeling in my stomach, thinking it was likely just nervous butterflies. Although nervous, I was pretty pumped about running my first 5K with Tammy from accounting. 

“Tammy from accounting told me that she needed a buddy to help her stay accountable with training and going to the gym. She also told me that the race and training would help to prevent office ass.

I asked her what “office ass”  was, and she told me that it was when you sat for too long every day in an office chair, and that eventually your butt would become flat, flabby, and sort of a triangle shape.  She told me that there was no real prize for placing, other than a ribbon and a beer, but that our entry fees would be a donation to the local animal shelter.

It sounded fantastic to me. I love animals, beer, and ribbons, and I needed someone to hold me accountable for working out too. I definitely didn't want office ass. Nobody wants that. 

Doctor Matthews was sitting next to my bedside writing notes. He introduced himself a little while after I had woken up. He had a familiar face, but I couldn't place where I had seen him before. My eyes darted from Dr Matthews to the officer standing outside of my room. I twisted the bed sheets in my fingers. 

“Mmmhmm. And then tell me what happened next Rachael.”

“Well, then I heard the shot go off, and we started running. I started slowly and steadily.  I wanted to have a burst of energy in the end. Until that little kid shot past me and flipped me off. I was like what the hell, ya little shit, where's your mom? I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was feeling pretty competitive and wanted to beat that little kid. Metaphorically that is. Not to mention, Barbie legs in front of me.” 

Dr. Matthews scribbled another note. 

I twisted my bed sheets again, bit my lip, and went on. 

“So I passed the little brat, and was tailing the pretty barbie lady. I started to go around her on the right, but my bright pink shoes caught my attention. I could have sworn that I saw wings under my feet! They were little things, just flapping around hitting the ground. They made little plumes of dust come up off the pavement beneath my feet. I was so busy watching those little wings that I didn't realize I had slowed down.”

That is until buff camo dude bumped into me. He scoffed at me. 

“Hey, watch where yer goin lady!”

I snapped out of it, looked straight ahead and focused on my running. I was about to pass another racer, 90's shorts guy, when Tammy from accounting, (she was still beside me) said, “Hey, you're pretty quick! Go on ahead. Maybe you’ll win! I won't be upset.”    

That was pretty nice of her. I realized I wanted to win because I had never won anything in my life, not like that anyway. But when I had my head turned talking to her, I saw her, and I got a little scared. Mad too.” 

“Why? What did you see Rachael?”

Dr. Matthews, pen poised and ready, I answered. 

“The nun! That fucking nun from when I was in catholic school. We called her Sister Assholder. Her real name was Affolder. But anyway, She hated me! The whole class would be messing around when she left the room, and without fail, she’d blame me for starting it and send me to the office. One day she told me that I’d never amount to anything and that I was just plain dumb. So when I saw her over there I was like, “Oh hell no! You don't get to come and see me win this race!” So I sped up because I knew she couldn't keep up with me. She must be 80 years old by now.”

“Mmhmm.” Dr Matthews scribbled more. 

“Go on,” he said. 

I started to feel irritated at this whole thing, and wanted to ask what the hell was happening, but I was really tired, thirsty, and my head hurt. So I just kept talking. 

“I was passing a bunch of people then. I discovered that there really were little wings on my shoes. I was floating! My heart was beating so loud I could hear it. I felt the blood whooshing in my veins. The air burned a little, it felt so good. At first.”

“But then I got really scared. What if the wings on my shoes lifted me so high and that the other racers could see them and think that I was cheating? My lungs hurt more, and I grabbed at my chest. I thought that I surely must be catching fire from the inside, and what was more is that the blood whooshing in my veins could cause me to explode leaving flaming bits of Rachael on the course?

“I saw the vendor’s cart then, just off the racer's path, and veered off to grab water. Guzzling the cool liquid back, I felt the flames inside me being doused. No longer fearful I’d burn from the inside out, I realized I was hungry too, so I grabbed a blueberry muffin because the muffin would stop my blood from whooshing , and since muffins always settle heavy, and carbs are great fuel for a race, I figured it was a win. I crushed the plastic bottle in my hands, tossed it aside, grunted like a sumo wrestler, and was off to regain my place in the race when I heard yelling.

I couldn't quite make out all the words that these people were shouting other than, “Stop! Get back here!”

 I thought, “Suckaaas! Too bad so sad cuz I'm faster than you. I shouted back to them, “Its a race fuckers! Run, run just as fast as you can! You can't catch me. I’m the Gingerbread Man!” and I laughed and laughed at myself because I was so clever, but like I said I was feeling really competitive, and when I feel competitive, I’m a bit of a jerk, So I started throwing rainbows at them to keep them off my heels.  

Dr Matthews raised his eyebrows, scribbled some more and mumbled under his breath. “Therapy is a must.”  Looked at me, and asked me to slow my thoughts down. 

By then, I was feeling kinda peeved at the Doctor, and had so many questions, but when I saw the officer outside my door was looking straight at me with squinted dark eyes and thick eyebrows, I decided to keep narrating in hopes of not having to speak to him for whatever reason. 

Looking back at Dr Matthews, I continued, “So anywho, I was throwing rainbows at the other racers. They were jumping over them and cussing at me. Some of them even squashed the colors under their feet. Then I remembered. I was racing and I better turn around and look where I was going instead of looking behind me. As a kid, my Dad was always telling me to  watch where I was going.

I was passing the few remaining racers. I could see the finish line not too far ahead. But then I saw the Nun, Sister Assholder again. She was behind me now! She joined the race straight off the sidewalk and was flailing her hands all about. I think she was yelling my name and saying stop!  

 Dr Matthews cleared his throat , raised his head as if for me to follow,  and looked over  his bifocals up at the wall behind me. Turning my head to follow his direction, I saw the cross hanging above my bed. 

“Err, Im sorry Dr. I didn't realize I was in the Catholic hospital.”

He rolled his pen above his clipboard. “Indeed.” I went on.

“Um, Sister Affolder was shouting at me, and seemed to want to get my attention badly. But I hold grudges and I was still pretty mad at her for calling me dumb all those years ago. I didn't care what she had to say to me and I kept running. My feet pounded that pavement so hard. I wanted the victory so bad I could taste it. In fact, there was a metallic tang on my tongue now that I think about it. 

 Anyway, still running, and almost there, I looked to my left and I saw a little rabbit. I told Dr Matthews, “I shit you not Dr.!  He had a headband on, and little wings under his shoes just like me. I knew he was that little hare like in the story, and  I wasn't about to let him win either, so I ran faster.

“Victory was mine! I grabbed that yellow ribbon and ripped it right down! I danced my own little victory dance for a few steps. Then I remember having a woozy feeling rush over me. I thought I just needed some more water. Maybe I was dehydrated. It was pretty hot after all. Now that I think of it, I may have been very dehydrated and delusional. Now I’m here talking to you. So will you please tell me why I have bandages on my head, my leg in a cast, why that cop is out there, and where my ribbon and beer are? “

The door opened and My best friend and roomy Jenn, stepped inside along with Officer Wooly Bully Brows. Jenn dropped her eyes to the floor. The officer put his arms behind his back, raised one of those furry brows and told her to go on. Dr. Matthews stood and stepped aside, and said,  “I think your friend Jenn here can better explain to you than I can.” 

Jenn, usually so stylish, was wearing a long black maxi dress, but had paired it with a ridiculous looking black baseball cap, and a white towel underneath that. 

I couldn't help but ask, "What the hell are you wearing?”

Jenn began. “Well, I’ll start from the beginning. You know that smoothie you had at breakfast?”

“Yea?”

“Well, I didn't make that for you. There were two in the fridge, but one of them wasn't meant for you.”

“Ok?”

“I made them just about an hour before you got up. I was going to take it over to James’ house and we were going to drink them.”

“Oh God! It was a  boozy smoothie! I should've known better!”

“No, not exactly, Although I like that name… boozy smoothie.” She laughed.

“Cut to the chase Miss Showerman, the officer chimed in. 

“Well, they had mushrooms blended in. Like, not mushrooms, but shrooms.”

“Oh holy shit! I really should've known better now. I thought it was weird you were up first, and had those in the fridge. Oh fuck me! I drank a magic smoothie before I went out and ran a god damned 5K? How could you let me out knowing I did that!”

“Well, I didn't know you left. Not at first. I was doing my hair and heard my phone go off. I went to answer it, and that's when I saw the empty cup on the table. I knew you were gone when I saw your shoes missing. I had to catch you and stop you from racing, so I grabbed my purse and threw this stupid hat on since my hair was half curled.”

“Why the towel?”

Well, I'm getting to that.”

Officers Brows cut in, “Seriously ladies, this is not a fashion show.”

“So anyway, I had to park my car way out in the field because all of the racers were there already, and ran my ass all the way to the starting line to try and catch you. It was already so fucking hot, and you know how I hate being hot. I saw this white towel had been left at the podium. It looked unused, so I dipped it in the ice tub and tucked it under my hat. I  was sweating my balls off! Why are you so nuts to run on days like this?” So anyway, the race had just started. I didn't see you at the starting line, but just passed it. I was trying like hell to get your attention, but you looked pissed off, scowled at me and kept running.”

“I figured that the shrooms must be kicking in and that you knew I was the one that drugged you! I was so worried you’d hate me forever, but I had to try and get you to stop! You were so fast that I lost sight of you for a little while.”

I was perplexed. And a little worried. “Go on, I told her. “

 Officer Wooly Bully Brows started talking instead. 

“Around the time that your friend here lost sight of you, is when I spotted you from the sidewalk, I was assigned safety duty, and crowd control. I knew something wasn’t right when I saw you looking at your shoes and laughing. A guy dressed in camo bumped into you, you looked agitated, so I followed alongside the street to be sure you wouldn't  become hostile. That's when you started to grab at your chest. You just stopped running. You ran off course in what appeared to be panic, and took, well ,stole that water and the muffin. I didn't hear you confess to the Doctor here that you also stole a pack of Skittles.  I knew I had a problem now. You appeared to be a crazy thief. I had to catch you, but needed to stay calm, and clear so as to not alarm the other racers. I stayed a little behind, jogging with the racers, with intent to apprehend you at the end of the race.”

“So that's how I ended up here? I resisted arrest while in a drugged up rage and you broke my leg and hurt my head in the scuffle? Jesus! You could have just tazed me for fucks sake?”

The Officer looked perturbed. 

“No Mam. I DID NOT harm you in any way. You did that yourself. I assure you! By then, You had already run clear past the finish line. You were clearly not right in the head. You were looking up at the trees, pointing, laughing, and eating those stolen skittles. You seemed pretty harmless at this point, but I still called for back up to be sure I safely apprehended you. 

“That's when I noticed your friend Jennifer here, also seeming to follow you from the sidewalk. She and I had shouted back to one another and she gave me a brief outline. Normally, I would never have a bystander join me in a scenario like this, but this was like no other I witnessed. I told her to get out there in the street and help me to stop you. I had hoped that you would recognize your friend, and stop before you hurt yourself. But I was too late. You kept right on running and didn't notice that you had run right into a construction zone. Jennifer, care to finish painting the story for your friend?”

Jenn looked straight at me and told me it to me, blunt. She’s always been good at that sort of thing. Telling me like it was, She said, Racheal, we were shouting at you to stop. We begged you to. We kept chasing you. You kept running.Then you started throwing skittles at us. You flipped that little rabbit off, cackled like a witch and ripped the yellow caution tape right down. We watched you fall into the hole. They had the road tore up and were installing new fiber optic lines. By the time that happened, you had run an extra mile!

Officer Woolworth called for EMS and they brought you here. Doctor Matthews had to sedate you because you kept trying to fight him off shouting that he was a cyclops, and to get the fuck away from you. 

I looked at Dr Matthews with raised eyebrows. “It's true.” He said, and picked up an old fashioned headlamp from the bedside table. 

“It's dated, I know, but I can't part with it. It was my grandfathers. "

I was shocked. I was almost at a loss for words. Almost. I looked at Jenn and said. "OK. So I had did shrooms, I had a bad trip in more ways than one. I can live with that. But for God's sake, take that damn towel hat off! You're giving me PTSD, and I'll have "nun" of that! and we all laughed and laughed.