The Envious Grudge of Doctor Platypus

It's February at the secret laboratory of German scientist Baron die Macht who is working on an experiment, surrounded by his enhanced robotic guards, creating a new weapon using the fusion powered accumulator to contain ionic energy. “Yes, in a matter of seconds I will have created the new perfect being,” the Baron says boastfully. In an instant an unexpected explosion from the outside blasted through the ceiling, catching the Baron off guard, “What? What’s going on?” Slowly hovering down from the hole the roof is a large muscle-bound, broad shouldered, big chin vigilante wearing a bright colored costume. “Captain Dynamic, this can not be,” the Baron said in disbelief while his robotic servants aim their blasters at his direction.

“You’re done, Baron,” Captain Dynamic says assertively. “Your experiments have gotten out of hand. Shut the machine down or I’ll rip your head straight off your spine.” The Baron laughs manically. “I have been thwarted by you before Captain. I won’t make the same mistake twice. Destroy him!” The robotic servants open fire at Captain Dynamic, but their ammunition has no effect since the hero’s skin is impervious to harm. With ease Captain Dynamic uses his super speed, faster than the human eye could see, to destroy every robotic guard in the room.

The Captain looks at the Baron with annoyance in his eyes, “Did you really think bullets were gonna stop me?” The Baron suddenly pulls out a small device, “No, but maybe this will.” As he pushes down on the button; Captain Dynamic notices a small nuclear device set to explode. He moves at super speed to hastily move the device. With his unlimited super strength and invulnerability, he contains the entire nuclear blast inside his hands. Frustrated Captain Dynamic turns to the Baron and with super speed he violently chokes the Baron with his hand at his throat. “I give the orders around here, Baron. And I’m a man of my word.” Without hesitation; Captain Dynamic violently pulls off Baron die Macht’s head, removing it from his body with his spinal cord still attached. 

Impatient in shutting down the dead Baron’s experiment; Captain Dynamic raises his hand where he charges a ball of green plasma energy and fires the beam into the computer. A power spike causes the fusion reactor to destabilize, where the accumulator begins to dangerously charge to maximum level. Not caring of the consequences, Captain Dynamic flies out of the Baron’s lair, where he’s oblivious that someone is violently screaming inside the machine. Up in the sky he fires another plasma blast, destroying the Baron’s lair, and flies off to attend a scheduled appearance. 

Three days before this event; Joe Kurtz, a 35 year old aimless slacker who pushes shopping carts at Home Depot, working less than 20 hours a week, is walking to the breakroom to clock out where his boss stops him. “Joe, I need you to cover for Alice for two hours.” “Ah nah, I can't, I'm tired,” Joe responded. “I don’t care, I need you to cover,” said his supervisor. “I gotta go do some stuff.” “Yeah what stuff? Are you on drugs?” Joe is cautious on his response, “no I’m not on drugs. I just got stuff to do.” His boss gets frustrated; “You need to step up. When are you gonna take charge of your life like Captain Dynamic does?” Joe gets aggravated; “Don’t try to compare me to Captain Dynamic.” “I know I shouldn’t; you're not man enough anyway.” At that moment, Joe pushes him to the wall and starts repeatedly punching his face, while his co-workers pull Joe off breaking the fight. His manager whips the blood off his face and without any hesitation he says “that’s it, pack your shit and leave. You’re fired.”

Joe comes home where his mom angrily waits for him by the door. “Hey mom, I’m home.” “I know you’re home. Do you wanna tell me what happened at work today,” his mother responded. Joe tries walking away upstairs to his room; “Nothing happened.” “Really then why did Kelly tell me that you got fired?” Joe stops to talk, “Ma it's not what you think. He insulted me.” His mother walks away in frustration while Joe follows him; “Oh stop. I don’t wanna hear it. You barely worked there for a month. Do you know what Kelly had to do to get you that job?” “Ma please stop yelling at me. I got a lot of shit to do,” Joe replied with frustration. “No, you don’t. You always say that and yet all you do is sit in your room and do nothing with your life,” Joe’s mother sternly replied. 

Joe pathetically starts crying; “Why are you doing this to me?” “I'm not doing anything to you! You do it all to yourself,” his mother shouted. “You know what, I'm sick of you treating me like a baby!” Not tolerating her son’s whining; Joe's mother responds, “You are a baby. You’re a grown ass man living in my house. You didn’t go to school, you’re not looking for a job, you’re not even taking care of your health. I’ve seen you smoking weed in the backyard. Why don't you grow up and get a life?” “I have a life,” Joe shouted. “No, you don't!” “I'm happy with my life! I got Sarah," said Joe. “No, you're not. And don’t expect her to always be by your side.”

Joe tries dropping the conversation; “Oh for fuck sake. I think I would know what makes me happy.” “Joe, happy is having a family, raising children! Working on a career.” “Oh, says you." “Says everybody,” his mother responded. Joe tries walking away to his room, where his mom continues shouting at him. “Why are you walking away from me? I’m trying to talk to you. At some point everyone needs to grow up.” “Oh don't patronize me with this stuff.” “Your brother grew up, your sister grew up, only you haven’t,” Joe's mom screams following him upstairs. “Shut up, I don’t care. I just wanna do nothing,” Joe says slamming the door at his mother's face. Through impulse Joe's mother responds “You’ll never become a man. If you were even half the man Captain Dynamic was you would've been successful.” With rage Joe runs out of his room and punches a hole in the wall. “No! I don't want to be like him,” Joe screams having a meltdown. He starts jumping up and down like a child screaming “I DON’T WANT IT! I I DON'T WANT IT!” Without hesitation his mother slaps him across the face, making Joe stop screaming, and she sternly responds “I want you out of my house.” With anger Joe goes into his room and takes his prized stuffed platypus and his car keys. Joe walks downstairs leaving his mom's house; “Fine I’m leaving to Sarah’s place. Never speak to me again!”

Joe drives to his girlfriend's apartment, holding his stuffed platypus in his hand and opens the door using his spare key. “Hey babe; my mom kicked me out today so I think it’s time we moved in together. We can maybe plan for the Superbowl this Sunday. Sarah, you home?” He walks into her bedroom and he sees his girlfriend having sex with a more muscular man. She screams in embarrassment and covers herself with a pillow; “Joe what the fuck are you doing here?” Joe in shock; “What the fuck are you doing?” “It’s my apartment,” said Sarah. “Yeah, but who the fuck is this?” Sarah wraps herself with a towel; “That’s Drew from work.” “You slut,” Joe shouted. “Hey don’t speak to her like that,” said the other guy putting his pants on. “I’ll speak however I want cause I’m Sarah’s fucking boyfriend, asshole.”

Sarah puts on her sweatshirt to cover her breasts; “Joe you need to get the fuck out!” “Oh yeah and you need to stop fucking guys at work behind my back,” Joe shouted. Drew tries leaving but Sarah keeps him in the room. “You're not leaving me for good, are you,” Joe asked. “You can’t be serious, right? Joe you're going nowhere in life and taking me with you. All you ever talk about is how busy you are when all you do is smoke weed with that stupid platypus of yours.” Joe starts crying in front of Sarah and the guy. “I loved you Sarah! I would’ve maybe married you someday.” “I don’t need you to marry me, Joe. I needed a real man in my life. Someone who’d protect me just like Captain Dynamic and I’m not spending the rest of my life with a loser.”

Joe’s screams in rage: “At least I’m not going around fucking other men, like you you dumb whore!” The man charges at Joe.Joe swings a punch at the man, but he catches Joe’s fist and suckerpuches Joe in the face breaking his nose. While in pain; the man grabs Joe by the wrists and pins him to the floor, putting him in an armlock. “Hey man, you’re really hurting my arm,” Joe said painfully. “Are you done? Are you done,” the man said while still holding Joe. “Yes, yes I’m done. Please just let go of my arm.” The man lets go of Joe, while Joe whips the blood of his nose in humiliation. “I gave you the best few months of my life, and this is who you wanna be with? I’m leaving you, Sarah. Good luck being happy with this asshole.” 

With nowhere to go; Joe parks his car in a parking lot to camp. Inside his stuffed Platypus he pulls out a bag of marijuana and starts getting high. He blankly scrolls on his phone looking on Craigslist for work until he sees an ad that says: “Looking for a chance to change your life? Wanting to become someone new, without effort? Hoping to become better than Captain Dynamic? Click here to sign up for a new test subject. Subject is paid $100 each hour, no experience required.” Joe becomes excited and clicks the website; “Nice $100, that’s like a month’s rent at my mom’s.”

With his run-down dilapidated car, Joe spends two days driving cross country finally pulling up at the front gate. Through the speaker a robotic voice can be heard; “Can I help you?” “Yeah, it’s Joe Kurtz. I’m here for the ad.” The buzzer opens the front entrance and Joe drives into the parking lot, holding his stuffed prized platypus, where the robotic guards bring him inside. Inside a man is sitting in his large library room waiting for Joe. “Welcome, I am Baron Karl die Macht. I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Kurtz.” Joe takes a seat at his desk. “Sup, I’m Joe.” “Now tell me what brings you to my office,” the Baron asked in his German accent. Joe speaks monotone; “Well I saw the ad to make me better than Captain Dynamic; so I thought why not come here. A hundred bucks an hour is not bad. Could you cover my gas mileage by the way?”

“I see; you wish to be a part of one of my experiments.” “Yeah, I guess so,” Joe replied. The Baron pulls out a binder from his desk and hands it to Joe to read. “We have a large selection of powers for you to choose from. You can pick any power you want.” Joe starts skimming through the pages; “Wow you got a lot to pick from.” “Of course; you’re not the first subject I’ve tested on. I have created many of Captain Dynamic’s villains through genetic splicing. You’ve probably heard of such villains like: Ms.Blizzard, Sucker Punch, Devil Man. They're all my creations.” Joe not paying attention, “Yeah no; I never heard of them. I don’t really pay attention to Captain Dynamic’s stories.”

“Then tell me; why exactly are you here,” the Baron asked. “I just wanna beat Captain Dynamic. I wanna show that he sucks.” Joe closes the book, “yeah super strength sounds good. I’ll take that.” “Excellent choice; we can remake you into something powerful enough to defeat even Captain Dynamic.” “That’s crazy. Are you like saying I won't be human anymore?” The Baron stands for a monologue; “Human? Why would you want to be human? Humanity is weak. You will retain everything that makes you “you”, Mr. Kurtz. The beam will imbue your living matter with ionic energy. You will become a wonder of science. The power at your disposal will be incalculable. What do you say, Mr. Kurtz. Does this sound good to you?” Joe looked spaced out; “What? Did you say something? Look, I’m really high so I just want super strength to fight Captain Dynamic.” “And what will you do after you defeat the Captain,” the Baron asked. Joe takes a few seconds to think. “Absolutely nothing. I just wanna sit and do nothing.” “Wunderbar! Drones bring him to the lab.”

 The robotic servants take Joe into the lab and strap him inside the vault. “So tell me Mr. Kurtz. Why do you carry that stuffed Platypus with you,” the Baron asked while setting up the machine. “Don’t know. I just like it. It looks so weird, but I just find it interesting.” The Baron closes the machine door; “Mr. Kurtz; you are about to be hit with a staggering amount of ionic energy. You will be broken down and remade all the way to a cellular level.” “Is this gonna hurt? Cause I don't like pain” Joe asked. “What do you care; you will be stronger than a hundred men.”

The Baron turns on the machine while the ionic energy begins to painfully change Joe’s DNA. As Joe screams through his transformation; the Baron boastfully shouts “in a matter of seconds I will have created the new perfect being,” leading to the Cold Opening where Captain Dynamic interrupts the experiment and his plasma blasts alter the experiment, dangerously increasing the ionic energy remaking Joe’s DNA.

Waking up inside the chamber; Joe finds the lab destroyed with the Baron’s head removed. “Oh Christ; does this mean I won’t get paid,” said Joe. He walks until he is shocked to see his grotesque appearance. His head was a hairless chalk white color with fangs sticking out of his mouth. The upper right section of his body grew brown fur; the upper left section grew feathers and a small wing; his right leg was blue with spikes sticking out of his calf; and his left leg was green secreting a slime. “My god; what have they done to me? This isn’t what I wanted.”

Joe punches the concrete wall and easily smashes through the bricks with no pain. “Wow I’m strong.” His eyes turn red and they shoot out heat vision, melting everything it hits, and his body releases streams of electricity. “I’m powerful. I’m freaking powerful.” Under the debris; Joe finds his prized stuffed platypus burnt, but keeps the joints inside of it. He puts on the Baron’s lab coat and pants to cover his appearance; “I know what I’m gonna do.” Joe opens a portal and walks into it.

It is the Superbowl halftime show where Captain Dynamic heroically flies to the stage. He talks on a microphone; “Made it on time. I just stopped a bank robbery on the other side of the country thirty seconds ago. Nowhere is too far for Captain Dynamic’s speed.” The crowd cheers for him. A little boy shouts, “Hey Captain Dynamic; do you think I’ll ever be as powerful as you?” Captain Dynamic responds, “No. But it’s nice to have fantasies. Now who wants to see me throw a football to the moon.” At that moment a portal opens and Joe punches Captain Dynamic from behind; crashing him into the field, surprising the audience.

Captain Dynamic recovers and flies near Joe. “You got a lot of balls coming here and starting something.” Joe uses his super scream; “I am Doctor Platypus, and I’m here to officially kick your ass!” Without questioning, Captain Dynamic uses his super speed to charge at Joe, but Joe learns he can move faster than Captain Dynamic. He dodges the Captain and punches him in the face, surprising everyone including Captain Dynamic. Captain Dynamic tries shooting his plasma blasts at Joe but Joe thinks of a barrier and he then splits himself into eight, surrounding the Captain, and each one shoots different plasma beams at Captain Dynamic. As Captain Dynamic falls; Joe elongates his arm, strangling Captain Dynamic. “How does it feel, Captain. How does it feel that a nobody like me easily beat the ‘world's most powerful man’? Everyone called me a “loser,” who’s laughing now?” 

Captain Dynamic blasts Joe away, but Joe heals from the injury. “Is that all you got,” Joe shouts with delight. “What is this? Nobody can beat me,” said the Captain. “If I can think it, I can just do it,” Joe mocking him. Joe then grows over a hundred feet, and starts to repeatedly bludgeon Captain Dynamic with his fists, getting pleasure from this, until he grabs him and hits him with his heat vision. “And here I thought I’d break a sweat. Oh, speaking of breaking.” As Captain Dynamic lies unconscious in his palm, Joe uses his fingers to break his arm. For the first time in his life Captain Dynamic feels pain and then starts sobbing becoming a wailing wreck. Like a coward, Captain Dynamic flees the stadium, where everyone in the world see’s their hero defeated. The National Guard and all law enforcement surround him at gunpoint while Joe proudly shouts “I DID IT!”  

Joe creates a portal and teleport's away, with everyone questioning where he’d gone. Fulfilling his deepest desire Joe teleported several million light years away from Earth, sitting comfortably on a rock, as he can survive in space. He takes out his joint to smoke it, where he can finally live his dream of simply doing nothing.