Free Like A Bird

Christmas. The saddest time of the year for me. But nationally supported as the happiest time.

"Here, open this one next!" My sister eagerly shoved a present at me and I caught it, fumbling for it clumsily. I smiled tiredly at her and she beamed back.

I tore off the wrapping. A sweater. "Thanks, Hennah. This is so soft."

My parents looked at each other, nodding slightly. "We got something for you, too, Eris."

"Thanks, guys."

Dad left, coming back in with a covered cage. I pressed my lips together.

"It's a bird!" he said excitedly, ripping off the cloth. A huge raven stared at me, beady eyes glinting. I swallowed loudly.

"Is that even legal?"

"Of course it is!" Mom snapped. "Do you like it?"

No. I hated it. Everything about it reminded me of HIM. It's long, smooth, black feathers, its beady black eyes, the wildness in its gaze.

"It's amazing." I smiled, the lie burning through my throat. I wanted to throw it out and let it fly away to be free.

"We thought you could use a pet and since we have pretty much wild open space here, we thought you could fly it around. We couldn't get you something with fur, since I'm allergic, but this is just as good." Mom patted my head condescendingly.

I gritted my teeth, wanting to smash through a wall and scream. "It's fantastic."

"We bought you a manual to read about how to take care of it, too," Dad added. They handed me a thick, glossy book and I wanted to hurl it into the goddamn ocean.

"That's amazing." I couldn't stop my hand from shaking. Hennah looked at me nervously and even my parents could see I was beginning to get stressed out. The last time I got stressed out enough to snap out of reality, I ended up in the hospital.

"We'll just leave you to go play with it," Dad said hastily.

"Love to."

I grabbed the stupid cage and stalked out to the barn with it, where I buried myself in the hay. I lay there for a very long time and when I finally freed myself, the bird was hopping around, OUTSIDE from its cage.

"No!"

I lunged for it and it fluttered away. I screamed in frustration, knowing the house was much too far away for my parents to ever hear me.

"Dammit!" Dropping to my knees, I curled into a ball, crying. It was so hard sometimes that I couldn't handle it. This tightness in my chest never went away, the weight I carried around day after day.

A soft cawing had me looking up. The raven pecked the dirt in front of me, making noise.

I stared at it incredulously. "How the hell did you even get out? Stupid bitch."

I got up, ignoring the way it fluttered back in fear, and marched over to the cage, gesturing at it.

"You obviously know what's going on!" I said, annoyed. "So get in."

It cawed louder, furiously.

"Shut the hell up!" I screamed. The pressure inside of my head was getting to be too much. I had zero idea what a bird needed, how to take care of it, what it wanted.

It screamed right back at me, scaring me so that I tripped over my own feet and fell on my ass.

"Jerkwad!" I got up, dusting myself off irritably. "Bird! Get in here!"

It flapped its wings at me. I narrowed my eyes. "What do you want from me? Here, I got something for you! A name!"

It cocked its head, interested.

"Lil!" I continued. "Lil Bitch!"

It yelped again, sounding like the thing was dying, but it hopped in the cage. Amazed, I just kinda looked at it for a minute before slamming the cage door shut.

"Good night, Lil," I told it.

That night, I looked up how to take care of ravens. The article of Wikipedia had a bunch of facts and different methods of treating them, which helped. I still didn't really know much about birds, though.

"How's your birdie?" Mom said, coming into my room and sitting on my bed. I barely resisted the impulse to flip her off. They were hardly ever home, except for holidays and weekends, I didn't really see them. Hennah had been the one to find my body after my suicide attempt, not them. She'd been the one to stop me from killing Mr. Randolph after he'd drunkenly rear-ended my friend's car. My friend. . . .

"It's great. I named it." I didn't look up as she stroked my head, just jerking away from her. She sighed.

"What'd you name it?"

"Lil." I didn't tell her the rest of the name, nor did she ask.

"Well, good job. I have to go on a business trip tomorrow so I won't be back till Friday night."

"Fantastic." Just stay gone, bitch.

"Also, your therapist called. She says we need to up your sessions."

"I wanna stop going."

"Why? Cause you think you're getting better? Obviously not, Eris."

"I don't want to talk to a stuffed up asshole who just looks at my legs the whole time," I snarled.

"Eris! You have to talk about it sometime! Hennah doesn't need any burdens placed on her from you--"

"Get out, Mom!" I yelled, upending my laptop and shoving her off my bed. She caught herself on my bedpost, eyes wide. She was so lucky I was a hollow, emaciated weakling, instead of an idiot on steroids or something. I had no real strength to get her away with.

I used to be happy, once. I used to be healthy and welcoming and loving, but then life broke me and I turned into what I am today: a seventeen-year-old kid with psychosis and depression.

She fled, only looking back long enough to see me punch a hole in the wall.

They made excuses for my conditions, I knew.

"They're unhealthy, it's ok."

"They're just going through some stuff, ya know?"

"They're friend died, it's not they're fault."

"It's just a faze, it's not a real mental issue."

"They're just looking for attention and comfort probably."

They didn't understand what it was like to be me, having to rely on my younger sister because our parents couldn't be bothered. Our parents would pay for just about anything, I knew, but all I really needed was them there.

I felt shitty every day, when I had to have Hennah wake me up because I couldn't get out of bed by myself. I felt shitty when I had to tell her to time how long I took in the shower and to make sure I didn't go over twenty minutes. I felt shitty when she needed to pick me up from school because I wouldn't drive.

I couldn't imagine how fucking Hennah felt, having to care for her supposedly older sibling.

I hated myself, knew it'd be better if I just died. But then Hennah would be alone, in this huge house, without anyone to love her.

I found myself spending more and more time with the goddamn bird. I still didn't really know much about it, but I learned. I began feeding it from my hands, letting it fly around me. We built a bond, one I tried not to care about. I hated when I started becoming dependent on the stupid bird.

Lil Bitch, for the most part, loved me.

"What're you doing?" Hennah asked, one day coming to inspect what I was doing. I grinned, and threw the bird up in the air, letting it fool around for a minute before it came back down to rest on my arm. Its heavy weight threw me for a second, but I adjusted.

"Playing." I stroked my pretty bird.

"Wow. Pretty birdie." She came closer and hesitantly reached out. The stupid bird cawed, scaring her. She snatched her arm back.

"It's fine." I reached for her hand and put it on Lil's back. "See? Perfectly fine."

"You seem to know what you're doing." She flashed a smile.

"Hardly. I'm still learning. But we're learning together."

I sighed as I threw my bird back up into the sky again. Learning to be OK together. That sounded alright.