Dear Jane...

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire, losing their green color to some red, brown, and yellow tones. All falling on the ground, covering the streets with their color mixture. Autumn was arriving, and all the city seemed to be ready for it.

    Jane was sitting on a bench, in front of the frozen river, with a beige trench coat and brown winter boots. I approached her, slowly and shy, my hands shaking, she was my first love… my first and only love. She didn’t turn around; it seemed I was being quiet too, and I got relieved, if she has turned while I was approaching her, she would have seen me fall with my rounded ass on the ice, and I would feel really bad for me, sure that she would laugh at me.

    I should turn around and get home, but I was feeling strong today… strong enough to tell her what I was feeling for her, so I got up with a struggle and kept walking in her direction. When I was three feet from her, Justin showed up and ruined everything.

    “What’s up (N)hick?” He said and Jane slowly turned her head, those beautiful blue eyes shining like diamonds, her paled, thin skin showing up in a V-neck. Oh gosh, she was so beautiful. I had never seen such beauty in my whole life. She was a dream to me, a dream that I was dying to make it true.

    She laughed when her boyfriend called me ‘Hick’ instead of Nick.

    Damn it!

    I hated Justin so bad! He was a prick that had the luck to have the most beautiful girl in the world as a girlfriend. Why pretty girls always want the rude, dumb, and pretty guys?

    Fuck!

    Why couldn’t I be more pretty? Why was I just smart and not pretty and tough? If I was prettier, she would look at me with other eyes. She could fall in love with me.

    Shit! I said to myself when Justin made a huge snowball and throw it on me. I fell again with my ass on the frozen ground and they laughed at me, again.

    “He’s such a dork!” Justin said, taking Jane by the hand and moving away with her.

    “Yeah.” She replied, getting closer to him, her eyes shining like shooting stars, looking at him as if he was the only person in the world. “What was he trying to do? Feed the ducks?” Both laughed loudly.

    For me, she was everything, for her, I didn’t even exist.

    Come on, I was a smart dude. Okay, I wasn’t as pretty as Justin Fannings, but I was smart, polite, and not that bad physically. I know I had a lot of acne on my face and body, but I was in my puberty, that was normal. I was at my fifteen’s. Some girls go through that as well.

    “Is she fucking blind or what?” Said a voice coming from behind the tree next to me.

    I turned my head to see who it was. Catherine Fannings came out from behind the tree, showing a red curly hair covered with a white cap.

    “Do you need help?” She said, seeing that I was still seated on the ground.

    “Ah, no,” I replied, struggling to get up without falling again. “I’m okay. Thanks anyway.” I said when my ass got finally up from that cold and wet ground.

    Why was Catherine Fannings talking to me? She was Justin’s sister; we weren’t even from the same class. She was a year older than me and a lone wolf just like me, but also kind of popular for being the sister of the best football player in the Florianaville High School. What was she trying to do? Make fun of me too?

    “So, can you explain it to me?” She said, taking me away from my thoughts.

    “What? What do you want me to explain?” I replied, a little bit grumpy, tired of the Fannings and their little games.

    “Wow, calm down boy!” She shot, raising her hands like if she was feeling disarmed. “I’m just trying to make a conversation. You don’t have to be that hard. Gosh!” She turned her back, decided to go away, thinking that I was just what everyone thinks I was – a loser.

    “I’m sorry,” I said, almost screaming, watching her skeletal body move away.

    She turned her back at the same time I said it.

    “It’s okay. You probably think that I’m like my stupid brother. Well… I’m not.” She started. “I’m prettier, smarter, sweeter, and politer.” She continued, counting her qualities by the fingers.

    “You forgot ‘confident’.” I murmured.

    “I’ve heard it!”

    We both laughed.

    “It seems that you’re a smartass, Nick Guttenberg.” She said, her smile growing on her cute and elegant face. Her rounded cheeks blushing. “Can you walk me home?”

    What the fuck? Walk her home? We just met, why should I walk her home? Their house wasn’t even on my way home. It would seem that I was interested in her… well, she is something, but she’s not Jane. We weren’t even friends! Not to mention that Justin would make my life even more miserable if I started dating his sister.

    “Hey, relax, it’s not what you’re thinking.” She said when she realized I was thinking too much about it.

    “What am I thinking?”

    She stood in front of me, inches from my cold lips, her body too close to mine.

    “Well, that I want to use you to piss off Justin.” She said, raising her eyebrows.

    “Oh okay! Yeah! That’s exactly what I was thinking.” I lied.

    “I just want to know you better, and as I have to be home at five, I thought you could walk me home.” She said.

    I would love to take her home… if she wasn’t a Fanning! I hated the Fannings. I shouldn’t even be here… with her… chatting.

    “Or I could go on my own.” She said when the silence got awkward. “Well, thanks for the chatting. See you around, Nick.” And she walked away, alone, in the middle of the snow that has just start falling.

    What the heck, Nick? You’re so stupid, dude! I said to myself, the snow covering my feet, frizzing my nose and cheeks. Fuck it! She’s probably playing with you! I kept saying on my mind. Yeah, she’s a player, just like her brother.

    But why was I interested in meeting her better too? Well, she was able to make me forget about Jane for those five minutes.

    “Don’t think too much, Nick,” I said out loud. Waving my head like if my thoughts were sand and I was trying to take it out of me. I looked at my watch. “Shit! I’m going to lose the bus… again!” And I run away like a lunatic, my feet slipping.

***

    In the next day, the school was totally covered in snow, so the Principal decided that we wouldn’t have classes all day. There was a blizzard the day before, there was no conditions for us to be in that freezing school, as the heaters were not working for almost a week. I didn’t know what the Principal was waiting for to fix it, but today I was glad to be far away from Justin, that stupid asshole. Glad to haven’t found him yet.

    All students started to disperse, so I did the same. Turning my back, Jane was looking at me through her shoulder. When our eyes collided, she rolled her eyes and looked forward. I kept walking too, on the same way than her.

    “Why are you following me, you weirdo?” She replied, stopping and facing me. I was not following her; our houses were the same way.

    “I… I’m not following you.” I said, embarrassed and uncomfortable, with a knot on my throat. “My house is this way.”

    “Yeah, right.” She replied. “I know you’re following me. You’re such a weirdo. Stop doing that! I don’t like you; I will never do.”

    That hit me so hard, like if someone has kicked me in the nuts. My heart was figuratively bleeding. What was I thinking?

    She continued walking and I did the same. The sky was about to explode in rain with all those dark clouds covering it. I just wanted to get home before it started to rain.

    “I said STOP!” She yelled, stopping again, so I stopped too.

    “Okay, I’m sorry. I just want to get home; I’m not following you.”

    “You’re lying!”

    “No, I’m not,” I said, feeling even more uncomfortable. I was madly in love with that girl, but for now, I just wanted to stay away from her.

    “Yes, you are! Stop lying!” The anger in her eyes made me freeze. That said everything… Jane hated me.

    “Ok, let’s try again…” I said, ready to stop a little bit, probably in the rain, for her to get home first, so I could go home too without her thinking I was following her.

    “No, we are not trying anything… just leave me alone! I hate you!” She interrupted me, screaming, like if I was a pervert or something like that.

    “Why are you screaming?” I replied, raising my voice, sick and tired of that stupid conversation. “I already told you, I’m not following you, you stupid girl! Jesus! What have I ever done to you, to you hate me that much?”

    Her eyes widened wide, stunned. It dawned on me. Fuck! My stupid little mouth… damn it! DAMN IT!

    “I… I didn’t… I didn’t want to say that… I’m so sorry…” I tried to say, the tears starting to form in those gorgeous big eyes. “I’m really sorry, Jane.”

    “Fuck you!” She yelled and run away.

    I was such an idiot. How could I say those things to her? Now she would never look at me for real. I screwed everything! God damn it!

    When she disappeared around the block, my legs and hands were shaking but I moved forward, a thunder ripping the sky, right above me, freaking me out.

    It started to rain.

    Just great! That’s all I was needing now, getting completely soaped! I didn’t even bother running, I was already wet. The worst that could happen was getting a cold. So, I kept on my way, cursing myself for speaking too much when I should have stayed quiet.

    “Hey, stranger, need a ride?” A car stopped next to me, almost getting me wet and in the back seat was Catherine Fanning, with a huge smile, blinking at me.

    “No, I’m good,” I replied, not even looking at her, keep walking.

    “Why so serious?” She asked, opening the door and walking next to me.

    “Miss, you will get soaked!” The driver said.

    “Don’t worry, Alfredo, I will walk home, I love walking in the rain.” She replied, still next to me, copying my steps. “Off you go.” And the car, a blue Mercedes Benz 220, drove away.

    “I need to be alone,” I said.

    “Why?”

    I stopped and looked at her, trying to read her.

    “Why did you stop?” I asked.

    “Why not?” She questioned.

    “We are not friends, Catherine. Why do you want to hang out with me?”

    “Because you seem to be a nice guy?” She said, the disappointment on her face.

    “We can’t be friends…” I murmured.

    “Why not?”

    “Why should we?” I asked, almost yelling, the rain falling hard, stifling my voice.

    “Because yes?”

    “Did Justin told you to get close to me or what? Why don’t you guys forget about me?” I shot, getting angrier. “Leave me alone, please.” And I left her behind, looking at my back, watching my ass shaking at walking. “And stop looking at my ass!” I yelled through the rain.

    “I was not looking!” She yelled back.

    “Good!”

***

    In the following morning, when I woke up, my mom was looking at me, seemed worry.

    “Oh, hey mom, why are you looking at me like that?” I asked, wondering what I have done wrong.

    “What happened? Is that nail polish in your face?” She narrowed.

    I jumped of the bed and looked in the mirror. The word ‘dickhead’ has been written in a shining red nail polish across my forehead.

    “What the f…” I started.

    “Watch your mouth, young boy!” My mom said, interrupting me. “I have a polish remover in the bathroom drawer. Just take that off and hurry up, you’re late to school.”

    “Yes, mom.”

    As she left, I ran to the toilet and looked for the nail polish remover. I found it under a bunch of nail polish and lipsticks of all colors.

    “How did this happen?” I questioned myself, wondering if I had been sleepwalking or something, went to a party and someone did that to me? …probably Jane. Maybe it was her revenge on me for all the mean things I said to her. How could I not be remembering it?

    When I finally removed all the nail polish, my forehead got a little bit red, but I was sure it would disappear under the shower, so I took off my clothes and got under the shower, the hot water burned my pale, thin skin.

    “Shit!” I shout, turning the water off. I closed my hands, squeezing them tightly. I was so mad at me, but also at Jane and Catherine.

    I got in into the shower and tried to wash myself again, tempering the water this time before I got in. When I finished, there was no evidences of nail polish in my forehead. I breathed a sigh of relief.

    When I got to school, the snow has already been cleaned from the ground and inside was warm and cozy.

    I went to my locker and pulled out the English workbook, it was my first assignment of the day.

    When I shut the door, Catherine was in front of me, looking at me, sounding mad.

    “Good morning, dick head.” She said.

    I froze. It was her? She wrote that on my forehead? Why? Because I told her to leave me alone? How did she even get into my room? Or it wasn’t in my room? Did I get out during the night?

    What the fuck? This was disturbing!

    “It was you who wrote ‘dickhead’ on my forehead?” I lowered my voice when I said ‘dickhead’, some of the eyes already on us. It wasn’t normal to see Catherine Fanning talking to the losers, and I was a loser to all my schoolmates.

    “Hum hum.”

    “How did you do it? Why did you do it?” I asked, confused, and astonished.

    “Because you’re a dickhead!” She said, tilting her nose.

    “What the fuck, Cat?” Justin yelled from the other side of the hallway.

    “Shit!” I murmured, hating myself for existing. Why couldn’t I be in peace for a day? Why the Fannings were always on my way? Gosh!

    He approached us and said: “Why are you talking to this nerd?” His eyes looking at me from top to bottom, like if I was disgusting. “Get away from my sister and my girlfriend, you pervert!” He raised his voice, so everyone could listen.

    “Shut up, Justin!” Catherine said, pushing him away. “Why you always have to be such an idiot?”

    “Oh, I’m the idiot?” He argued. She rolled her eyes and went away, my eyes following her, stopping in Jane when she appeared on the corner. “Where are you looking at, (N)hick?” He pulled me against my footlocker and my workbook fell on the floor. Everyone was laughing at me, but not Jane. That was new to me. I narrowed my eyes, confused. Why wasn’t she laughing? She always laughs when her stupid boyfriend does those shits. She disappeared and I nodded my head, confused. When I left the hallway, everyone in there started yelling “hick!” at me. I was on my walk of shame, wishing to disappear forever from that stupid school.

***

    In the afternoon, after school, I found Catherine outside, sited on the entry stairs, looking too pensive. I approached her, trying not to be so hard this time.

    “Hey!” I called. She kept in silence, not even looking at me. I sat next to her. “I wanted to say sorry.” My voice was almost a whisper. She remained silent.

    I thought I should go away and leave her alone, perhaps that’s what she wanted, but then she took her notebook out and started to write something by covering with one hand.

    “Should I leave you alone?” I said but there was no answer. After a minute, she held out her hand, a folded white paper inside of it.

    I took the paper.

    “What’s this?” I asked. She got up and left. I stacked the paper in my backpack and went home.

    When I got home, I throw my backpack to the floor and I lay on the bed, the paper within my left hand. I opened and read it:

Dear Nick,

    I thought my brother was stupid, but YOU’re more! Can’t you see what’s in front of you? Do you want to know why did I climbed your window and wrote ‘dickhead’ on your forehead? Why I wanted you to walk me home the other day? Because I really like you, I’ve been all this time trying to show you that, but you’re so stupid and sadly in love with Jane that you didn’t figured it out. What else do I need to do? Kick Jane’s ass? It would be a pleasure; she is so stupid for not seeing the man you are, but I’ve seen you…

So... do you give me a chance?

Yours,

Catherine

Oh my god, Catherine was in love with me. I couldn't believe it. I took my phone and sent her a message:

YES, LET'S TRY!

"Dear Jane... go fuck yourself!" I said to me, falling on my back, wondering how it would be my first date with Catherine.