It’s Always Been Juliet

Jan. 23, 2016

Dear Diary,

My therapist told me to start making an entry for every time I see Juliet. Today she came to visit me and we went to the park and just talked for hours. We talked about school, our friends, and everything in between. She makes me laugh and smile even when it feels like I‘ll never do it again. My friends think it’s wrong for me to keep seeing her, but truth be told it doesn’t really matter to me what they think about it. She makes me feel heard and loved. She makes me feel human. For the past month or so we’ve been meeting in random places, sometimes the park, sometimes she sneaks in through my window, sometimes she meets me after school. Every time I see her still feels like the first time. She’s just refreshing to be around. We used to hang out with all of our friends together but around a month ago they just started acting like she wasn‘t there or something. It really hurt her feelings but at least she still has me. Anyway that’s really all I have for today. I’ll see you next time.

Jan. 30, 2016

Dear Diary,

Juliet didn’t come see me for a bit but today she came in through my window and we just laid in silence for a while before she finally broke the silence. She was talking about a new book she’s been reading but something about the way she was speaking just didn’t seem right. She sounded sad. I’m worried for her but I’m sure she will tell me what’s up when she’s ready.

Feb. 18, 2016

Dear Diary, I’ve only seen Juliet a couple times since the last time I wrote but I keep forgetting to write. Today when I was with her she seemed more distant than ever. She wasn’t very responsive to the things I was saying and I only saw her smile maybe twice. She just doesn’t seem like the same person anymore. I thought about talking to my friends about it but I knew that they’d have nothing constructive to say about it. I’m worried for her.

Feb. 20, 2016

Dear Diary,

I think she maybe just had a rough couple of weeks. Today she shined bright. I’ve never seen her laugh more. She talked to me about the beautiful things she’s seen in the past couple days. She sounded hopeful.

Feb. 27, 2016

Dear Diary,

I haven’t heard from or seen her in a week. I miss her.

Mar. 9, 2016

Dear Diary,

It’s been two weeks. I don’t know where she is.

Mar. 16, 2016

Dear Diary,

She finally came to see me today. She looked different. Happier. But vacant. She told me that this would be the last time she came to see me but that she’d watch me from afar, whatever that means. She kissed me before she left but her lips felt cold.

Mar. 25, 2016

Dear Diary,

I finally remembered it all today, and I understand what’s been happening. It’s been three months since Juliet died. I wouldn’t say I’m exactly at peace with it, it hurts like hell.

Apr. 2, 2016

Dear Diary,

The past few days have been difficult. The adjustment period is going to worsen, I know that, but it feels good to finally be on the same page as everyone else. It’s been easier to process the pain of losing her now that I’m able to accept it and talk about it. Our friends have been a huge help. They’ve been incredibly patient with me. Occasionally I have moments where I wait at my window waiting for her to come in, even though I know she won’t. I think that part has been the most difficult. The waiting. I hope to get over it soon.

Apr. 4, 2016

Dear Diary,

Today I read through our old text messages and watched videos that we took together. It felt good to see her smile again, I’ve missed her dimples and freckled face. Even on a phone screen she‘s still the most radiant and beautiful person I have ever seen.

Apr. 25, 2016

It has now been four months since she died. I visited her grave for the first time today. I almost didn’t but I forced myself to go. I ended up spending hours there, laying next to her grave and talking about all the things she has missed. I got angry for a bit and I regret it but I yelled at her. Then I cried. She didn’t respond but somehow I knew she was listening to me. Had she been there I know she would’ve heard me out and apologized. I don’t know what all she was feeling when she did what she did but I know that it must’ve been a lot, I guess that’s why I let the anger fizzle out. It turned to guilt pretty quickly. I keep thinking that maybe if I had been there for her more then she would still be here but I know that she had likely made up her mind long before she took her life. I know it’s selfish to think it but it feels like she took my life too. She was everything. It was always her.

I just hope that the way I continue on will be in a way that would make her proud. I’ll pick up what she left behind and I’ll rebuild it until it’s all what she would’ve wanted.

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Apr. 8, 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s been almost five years since she died. I was right, the adjustment period was hard, but I think I am finally in a place now where I have accepted what happened. I’ve taken up music since the last time I wrote to you and I’ve written a few songs for her. It’s hard to write music for someone who is more beautiful than anything in the world, there aren’t really any words or a melody that can amount to anything close to compare to everything she was. I’m happy with what I have written though, and I think she would be too. I think and hope that she would be happy with the progress I have made since the world lost her. My final note will be to Juliet.

Dear Juliet,

It‘s been a long time since I have seen you. I’m sorry that I didn’t come to your funeral but I just wasn‘t there in general. I let myself believe that you were just around the corner, but you weren’t. However, six feet under or holding my hand, I still see bits of you in every beautiful thing that the world has to offer. I hear you singing when the world wakes up with the birds on sleepless night, I see your freckles and smile in the stars in the sky, I feel you laying next to me when the bed starts to feel empty and cold. I used to be angry at you for leaving but now I’m just sorry that I couldn’t stop you. For a while I tried to fill the hole you left in me with artificial happiness, but now I decorate it with flowers and let those who are close to me look through and see the universe. I don’t talk to any of our old friends anymore because it started to hurt to go back to our favorite places and not have you there, but I have new friends who I have finally start to let see you. They won’t ever get to know how beautiful you were in reality but it’s kinda nice to keep that beauty to myself. I love you and I hope you are happier. Rest easy my love.