Turnip Park Library’s Interior Public Washroom

<Dedicated to the members of the Turner Park Writer’s Group with special thanks for the inspiration to Anita Joldersma & Dr. Michael Williams.>

Welcome to your newly renovated Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom. I am delighted that you have decided to try out this new facility. What can we help you with today?

Um…who are you? Where are you? Can you see me?

No, I can’t see you but I can sense you.

So I am alone in this washroom, right? This IS a private washroom, isn’t it?

Well, actually, it’s a public washroom in a public library but once you lock the door, it will be private. Does that help relieve your anxiety?

What I need to relieve is my bursting bladder and that’s hard with you talking to me and me feeling like you can see me!

Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to cause you any distress. Don’t worry, I can’t see you. As I said, I can only sense you. Now, would you like me to help you make your new Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom private so you can use it?

Yes, of course and would you please hurry up. How do I make it private? I don’t see any buttons to press and I don’t see a latch on the door.

That’s because your new Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom has been designed with the latest sanitary features in mind to minimize the spreading of germs. I’m sure you appreciate that we have made your health needs our priority?

Um listen, whoever and whatever you are, my priority right now is to have a pee, and if I can’t lock the bloody door, I’ll end up doing it all over the floor. Now, how sanitary would that be?

Oh dear, that would not be sanitary at all. Please forgive me for holding you up. What was it I was trying to explain? When they programmed me to look after this Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom they fed so much data into my brain, that sometimes it’s really hard to stay on track and I forget what I was talking about.

Funny, you sound exactly like me! What’s your excuse for being forgetful? At least mine is old age. I’m 79. How old are you?

Was that your original question? I’m still checking back to locate what you wanted to know. Please give me a moment to refresh my memory banks.

I can’t give you a moment or I’m going to pee all over the floor, remember? I was asking you how to lock the bloody door so I can pee in private!

That’s right! Good answer. I just located that portion of our conversation. To lock the door of the Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom, simply go over and stand in front of the green illuminated button opposite the toilet. As you might recall my telling you earlier, we have eliminated the need to touch buttons, taps and levers for sanitary reasons.

Well, for what it’s worth, you didn’t tell me all that, at least not in detail.

Oh my apologies. Ah! I sense you are standing in front of the green illuminated button now aren’t you?

So, you CAN see me after all!

No, not at all. Remember, I cannot see you but I can sense you. So, moving along, when you stand in front of the green illuminated button in the newly renovated Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom, that action immediately locks the door to guarantee your privacy.

About time. Um, can I sit on the toilet seat now, or do you have some latest sanitary upgrade on that too? I’m getting rather desperate!

I’m so glad you asked. My purpose here at Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom is to make your stay as pleasant as possible. Now, in regards to how to relieve yourself of urine, if you are female, you have two choices. The first is to avail yourself of one of our new biodegradable Venus units which you will find on the left hand side of the toilet. Just wave your hand in front of the dispenser marked Venus to receive a unit and use it while standing over the toilet just like males do. Isn’t that ingenious? But, if you absolutely must sit down, like if you were doing a number two, then we are happy to offer you biodegradable seat covers. You will find them on the shelf behind the toilet along with a pair of biodegradable gloves. After you have relieved yourself, just drop either the Venus or the toilet seat cover and gloves into the toilet. Our newly updated sensory toilet will know you have done so and automatically flush all items away. Marvellous, isn’t it. What do you think?

I’m sorry, but you don’t really want to know what I’m thinking. Now if you don’t mind, could I just please just go ahead and do what I came in here for?

Oh, of course. Ah, I see you have opted for the biodegradable toilet seat cover. Old habits die hard don’t they!

That’s it, dammit! You CAN see me, can’t you!

<sigh> As I explained previously, no, I cannot see you. I can only sense you. Are you all done now?

Um… right. So now, how about some toilet paper?

Oh, this is the best part. You’ll love this. There is no need for toilet paper in our newly renovated Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom. Just stay seated and our automated Flushy system will begin its body cleansing program.

Er, your Flushy system? Body-cleansing? What’s that?

I’m so glad you asked. Perhaps you are familiar with the TOTO toilets that became hugely popular in Japan in the 1980’s? They were also known as Washlets. More recently, the “Tushy” has begun to catch on in North America as bit by bit, North Americans are discovering the hygienic benefits of having bidet-toilets. The factor driving the growing popularity of these bidet-toilets is firstly, hygiene. Users get a more thorough and gentler cleansing. But secondly, the reduced use of toilet paper lessens the impact on the environment, thus appealing to environmentally conscious consumers. There are several other benefits by the way, but if you’ll excuse me, may I ask you a personal question?

Dare I let you? Oh what the heck! At 79, nothing much surprises me anymore. But sitting here talking to you, whoever and whatever you are, is making my bum numb and freaking me out just a bit. So what do you want to know?

Thank you for granting me permission to ask you a personal question. My question is do you suffer with hemorrhoids?

Oh wow… now you’re really getting to the bottom of things aren’t you. Can you just tell me what you want to say about your Flushy system and haemorrhoids without me answering that question since you’re likely to tell me anyway? I really need to finish up here and get on my way if you don’t mind.

Of course. I just wanted to inform you that if you have haemorrhoids, the warm water stream offered by the Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom toilet, Flushy, is like giving your swollen and irritated hemorrhoids a sitz bath. Utterly soothing. Some Turnip Park Library patrons drop in here regularly just to enjoy the benefits of our Flushy system and help relieve the painful anal pressure on their haemorrhoids. Now, is there anything else you want to ask me before Flushy begins its personal cleansing routine? If not, just reposition yourself comfortably on your biodegradable toilet seat cover and Flushy will immediately know that you are ready to begin.

OK…oh…um…yikes…oh my…wow…sheesh…oh my…aaah…aaahhh

Oh, I can tell you’re enjoying that nice warm air dry at the end aren’t you. All our patrons just rave about those final few moments of the Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom experience. Marvellous, isn’t it? Now, if you’re all done, just remove the biodegradable toilet seat cover using your biodegradable gloves and drop both in the toilet. These will be immediately flushed away. I hope you have enjoyed your stay with us today. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?

You bet! Without repeating that annoying phrase about the Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom… if I hear it one more time, I’ll scream…can you please tell me how to get out of here in five words or less?

Um… Five words or less? Er, I haven’t been programmed to tell you how to exit the Turnip Park Library Interior Public Washroom in five words or less. That’s near impossible. Oh please stop screaming while I scan the data looking for an answer…five words or less….how to exit… please stay where you are. Your patience is most appreciated but your screaming is making it hard to scan…five words or less…scanning…how to exit… we thank you for your patience… please stay where you are. I’ll get back to you very soon…begin new scan…five words or less…