Woof

Woof

—Hey Dougy, I’m home! Missed me today? I got back as soon as I could, buddy.

—Hmmpphh… You’ve got some nerve, it’s way later than usual and I’m starving! I licked my paws into oblivion. I was worried sick, thinking that today was the day you wouldn’t come home.

—Calm down, buddy. Quit jumping on me, you’ll ruin my only decent trousers.

—I’m doing some serious tail-wagging here for you. Dude, I’m so happy you’re back, I can’t contain my pee.

—Who’s a good boy?

—Here we go again. Please don’t start with that good boy question. Ridiculous and redundant.

And, ease up a little on those tight hugs. You’re squishing my lungs and are way too close for comfort. Hold on, let me shake that off.

—Ok, so what will it be? Duck pâté or chicken stew are on the menu tonight. You deserve a fancy pooch meal today, so take your pick.

—Whichever dude, just open up those darn cans pronto. I could eat a cat.

Oh and speaking of cats, the neighbor’s feline today was extra annoying. The bitch was meowing all day long. What’s she got to complain about anyway? Her parents work from home and doesn’t suffer separation anxiety like I do.

Just a heads-up, in case the neighbors tell on me. I barked back louder. All. Day.

—Monsieur is having chicken stew tonight then. And I’m sorry I was so late today, buddy. Rough day at work, believe me.

—Yadda, yadda, yadda. Always the same excuse. I ain’t falling for that again. How does your girlfriend even believe a word you say?

Bliss! Is that the glorious sound of a can opening I hear? OH YES! Chow time!

—Here you go. Geez Dougy, take it easy. You know what happens when you eat too fast.

—Msphst shco I voshmit, dchbig deal. I clean up after.

—I’m exhausted. My boss wanted the audit report ready before the end of the day. Boy, was I on a tight deadline. Plus, Claire called right before I left and we got into an argument. As usual.

—Ugh, you know I don’t like her. Claire is bossy as hell and never pets me. Your mom is right about this one, although she got it all wrong with Lisa.

Lisa was my favorite, such a sweet cookie—always brought me treats.

—Dougy, buddy, after you finish your dinner, it’s loo time. It will be a quick walk, this one, ‘coz I just want to lie on the couch and watch Netflix until I pass out.

—So now you’re rushing me? Not fair. I too wanna lie on the floor for a bit and pass some gas.

Boy am I stuffed, I think I ate too fast. Thanks for the meal, by the way. Next time you’re out, buy me some more of those fancy dinner cans, will ya? Delish.

—Come on lazy, get up!

—Can you please just give me five more minutes and we then can head to the doggie park. I hope to catch sight of Lucy. Ohhlala, she’s damn fine. A bit conceited but who cares?

—Up Dougy, I haven’t got all day. And quit licking your bum, it’s not nice.

—Humpph, alright, alright. Try spending a day with your bum out, see how you’d like that. Not pretty.

—What the…? Dougy! My sneakers! Again?!

—Yeah… about that. I’ve been meaning to tell you but got sidetracked by the excitement of seeing you and the gourmet dinner and all.

You left them out and they looked so chewy. I tried to resist. It was getting late. I got anxious and, well, you get the gist of what happened.

—This is the third pair in two months Dougy! Bad boy!

—They would have been way safer in the shoe rack, just sayin’.

—And don’t look at me like that. You know I can’t stay mad at you when you look at me with those puppy eyes.

Ugh! Those were an expensive pair. Well, half a pair. You have this obsession with the left foot.

—I do? Don’t know what you’re talking about. I just see two chewy toys pointing in different directions. And I said I was sorry, alright?

Since we’re at it. You remember that Amazon package you were looking for... Ummh, I shredded it to pieces the other day and tucked it under the sofa. My favorite toy is under the sofa as well. We’ll both have a field day the day you decide to have a look.

Thank goodness you didn’t notice all the extra scratches on the door.

—What a life you have Dougy. Eat, sleep, cuddle, poo, and pee. Repeat.

—Exactly! I’m lying on my back here. Pure surrender, so do I at least get a belly rub?

I didn’t get much sleep today though, the ruckus that bitch of a cat was making kept me up and barking. I couldn’t let her have the last word.

—Ok, that’s enough. Move your lazy ass, let’s go to the park.

—Oh!! Some of my favorite words, go and park, although treat is high up there as well.

—Hopefully, we’ll bump into Steve and you can play with that frisky dog of his, Max.

—Nope, don’t like him and like it less when you give him your attention. I can’t stand it. It stokes my jealousy so bad that I just want to bite his tail off.

—Darn it, I lost my keys again. Where on earth did I leave them this time?

—You silly goose, you stuffed them into your pocket the moment you walked in. Here, let me show you.

—What? Ouch! Quit yanking my trousers Dougy. Put your paw down, you’re scratching me.

Oh, wait, what’s that jingling sound in my pocket? Here they are. Found them!

—Good, thought this whole paw sign language charade was going to take us all day and I can barely contain my pee at this point.

—Wouldn’t it be weird if you could talk?

—Woof, woof.