My Heart and Body

My family, especially my mother, always had some sort of expectation that I would like her once I was 18 with a skinny body and big assets. I didn’t inherit the skinny stomach or the hips. Ever since hearing her stories about her life before my siblings and me, all I could think about was being the same. To be beautiful and have a life of luxury thanks to it. I looked in the mirror every morning to check if I had gotten more beautiful.

But I didn't end up like that. There’s no one I could blame but myself for it. I hated my plump body. The little muffin top, the swinging fat on my arms, and a small double chin hid slightly. My family made fun of the cellulite, my weight, and the amount of food I ate. So much, I would starve myself for days with only one small meal. I covered the mirror in shame and hid it away.

No matter how much I starved myself, all I saw was the fat pig everyone sees. I cried night and day, with no strength to eat or even move. If I felt brave enough to check my mirror, I would end up hurting my feelings even more. I felt numb and nauseous, even at school and with the close friend I had. My friend noticed me not eating, I lied saying, “I’m not hungry, I had a massive breakfast.” I thought she would believe me and just ignore it like my family.

“Are you sure it isn’t because the school makes shitty food, honey? I can tell you are hungry.” She pulled out a small container containing two sandwiches. She gave me one and smiled. “My mama always said share your necessities if need be. I had a feeling I needed to make another one and I am glad I did. I don’t want one of my best friends to starve.”

“You sure?” I asked, hesitant to take it. It looked delicious. Her smile was warm and approving. I took the sandwich and took a bite. It’s been a while since I tasted something with actual care and love in it. I noticed she pulled out a small bowl from her lunch bag. She poured soup from her thermal and pushed it towards me. 

“You looked pale, so I was worried if you were sick. Here’s some Caldo de Pollo. My mama made it last night and we had a lot of extras. My mama loves cooking and feeding everyone even if they can only eat small amounts.” 

“Hey, Esther…” I wanted to admit everything was going on. My self-harm, the inability to love me, and the reason why I self-harm. “I want to confess something.”

“Do you want to go somewhere private and finish eating there?” She asked. I forgot we were in the cafeteria. I nodded and we left towards the outside patio. We found an empty spot and I took a deep breath.

“Esther, I...I…” I started to cry and my chest got heavy. I felt her hug me and kissed my head in comfort. “I have been starving myself…” I admitted. I could feel her arms around me tighten. “I hate my body. I hate my fat. I hate how I look. No matter what, I think I’m ugly and fat.” I cried in her arms as she comforted me. I thought she would tell me to suck it up and to just work out, but she didn’t.

“Your feelings are completely valid and I understand why you feel that way towards your body. I felt the same thing as you and it won’t be easy, but I’ll help you. I’ll help you love yourself and maybe…” She mumbled something at the end. At that moment, I realized something about us, we would always be there for each other and cared for each other with genuine love.

“Thank you, Esther. I don’t know how to thank you.” I hugged her back, wiping my tears. After holding each other, we finished our food. For the first time in years, I actually enjoyed eating. But I enjoyed Esther’s presence even more. 

“Just come to my house this Friday and we’ll go out.” Esther was confident, so we agreed that after school would be good. Another thing to be excited about. We split off to our classes and all I could think about was her. I went home and looked in the mirror. At first, all I saw was a chubby girl, but then I saw a girl who was beautiful in her way. Instead of crying and covering my mirror, I saw a woman who deserved to love herself and respected her body.

The next few days, I took the opportunity to eat more, chat with Esther more, and even wear clothes I would be insecure in. I never covered my mirror and even did poses. Esther helped with loving myself and I started loving her more and more. Friday came and I wore something cute and sporty in case she was planning on going out. My mom was surprised at my newfound confidence and didn’t bully me about it. That didn’t stop my family, but I stopped caring about what they said. All I needed was me and my love for my body. 

Esther was proud of me and gave me a special slice of cake she made last night as a surprise. We planned to go to the mall, eat at her house, and watch movies, maybe if her mom allowed it, a sleepover. I was excited for tonight and hoped the school day would go by fast. It did and we went shopping after school. Esther picked out a petal pink wrap dress with white and light pink sleeves made of lace. It reached to her knees, letting her show her cute white flats. She looked stunning in it. I might have blushed a bit.

 I wore something out of my comfort level and picked out a yellow dress. It had an empire-style dress and it was long and flowy with gold accents. It looked like it would match a pair of my sandals. I looked at Esther and she looked stunned. “You look amazing, doll. I knew that dress would fit you.” We looked at each other and I felt like confessing then and there. We got out of the dresses and shopped for more. We got matching necklaces and got art supplies. The trip to the mall was a success and we were hungry. I was surprised because my body just got used to ignoring it. We left the mall and made our way to her house, just in time for her mom to be making food. Esther spoke to her mom in Spanish, gestured to me, and looked at me. “My mom already made food. Don’t worry, it’s safe to eat and easy to keep down.” I followed her to the kitchen. “Some chicken flautas. Arroz y frijoles. If you want more soup, there is fideo in the fridge. Tortillas are in the dining room.” 

It was hard to decide, so I got what she got and she was right. Everything tasted delicious and it was easy to keep it down. I was enjoying everything to the point of getting myself another plate with more food. I passed a mirror and noticed my body on the way to the kitchen. I didn’t see the girl I hated, but a girl who is trying hard to finally be happy. Thanks to Esther, her cooking, and her mom’s cooking, I am starting to learn. I came back and enjoyed another meal. This time, I was full and so was she. Her mom was ecstatic that I liked it, so she put some on a plate and wrapped it in foil. It was for me to take home for my family. 

After dinner, Esther and I went up to her room to watch movies. We watch comedy and horror movies. During the horror movie, she held my hand. We looked at each other and said in unison, “I like you, Esther/Irene.” We giggled and touched our foreheads together.

Ever since then, whenever I looked in the mirror, I always saw the real me who loved her body and her girlfriend.