Cold Roasted Dragon Heart

You have just slayed the fire breathing behemoth, the ageless and fearsome dragon that has terrorized the countryside for decades, if not centuries. And while the villagers were initially grateful beyond measure, they have since grown somewhat petulant concerning the huge, pungent pile of rotting dragon flesh that still lies half submerged on the banks of the Crystalline Coast. No one ever worries about what to do with such a carcass when their more immediate concern is if their home will be torched from the skies at any moment. But give it a couple weeks and some warm weather, and the memory of impending incineration fades, making way for a new public menace to focus upon.

Well, you’ve found the right place for guidance on not only how to get rid of the stench and gore left behind, but how to also cook up one of the greatest culinary delicacies ever tasted by the mouths of men.

Cold Roasted Dragon Heart

(reprinted here with the express oral consent of Wagmore the Weird: Chef to Queens, Kings and Sorcerers)

[ Skip to Recipe --->]

First off, the bad news. If you haven’t skipped to the recipe yet, you will notice soon enough that the cook time for this particular dish is a bit long; between 112 and 115 years, so unless you are an elf, or one of the other magical creatures of Middling Earth who have an unusually extended life span, you will actually most likely be starting the preparation of this dish for your children, grandchildren or even great-grandchildren to savor. But we assure you, it is well worth the time, effort, and possible grievous bodily harm, and your descendants will praise and honor your spirit most graciously.

But that does not mean that there is no benefit forthcoming in your lifetime. Indeed, back to the original problem of eliminating the stench and just overall nuisance of having a decaying dragon on the shore of what used to be the main beach attraction for the summer. By now, you or other locals have discovered a unique property of dragons, that being that dragon flesh, dead or alive, is immune to all manner of external heat and fire. One can’t just burn it to get rid of it. It does decay, very slowly and putridly, with the gasses it gives off often occasionally catching fire, but the rate of decomposition for the meat, bones and even internal organs cannot be accelerated through incineration. There is, in fact, little that can be done directly to quickly dispose of a dragon carcass.

However, a little known, but highly useful hack when it comes to dead dragons, is that the beast’s heart, even after death, is what is keeping it intact. It secretes a protective enzyme which generates a small amount of energy that slows the rate of decomposition and continues to protect the hide and organs for years and years. So, the secret to ridding yourself of the eyesore of a dead dragon is simply to remove its heart. Once the heart is removed, the remaining carcass will magically melt away in a matter of days, and do so with hardly a whiff of rot to be smelled.

Easier said than done, but we are here to tell you just how to go about it, and not screw it up.

Your first task is a rather disgusting one, but cannot be avoided or lessened. Get a good knife, sword or sharp axe, wear some old clothes that you won’t mind throwing away, and start cutting. Before you start, take a few moments to learn some basic dragon anatomy. Dragon hearts are actually located just below their spine, roughly between their back legs, so it is quicker and easier to start from the rear.

 But before you cut the heart out, be sure to have an adequate supply of burlap handy to cover it and water to keep it wet, or else it will rapidly roast from the inside too quickly and be entirely worthless.

Once removed and sufficiently doused, its time to fill the heart with the first marinade, made from ground drasit horn dissolved in Ent sap, which you will have prepared ahead of time. Drasits, if you are unfamiliar with them, are rather large, bat-like creatures that nightly roam the skies just above the Plains of Omerran, terrorizing the Wee-folk who inhabit the grasslands, but also doing a wonderful job of keeping the local vermin population under control. Drasits are actually blind, but still should only be approached during the day, where they roost in the cliffs at the edge of the plains. On your travels, take a lute player along. The sound of a lute usually will keep the drasits asleep, and if not, you can always feed the lute player to the animal as a diversion while you chop off one of its horns.

As for the Ent sap, any of the tree herding variety of Ents will do, but realize that your choice of tree type will affect the taste of your final dish, so avoid fruit tree Ents unless you like your dragon to have that added flavor. And oak or pine is discouraged overall as too woody tasting. Ash is generally the mildest enhancer, with dogwood a close second. How you go about collecting the sap is up to you, but if you are the dragon slayer, you might simply try appealing to their sense of gratitude and simply asking the Ent for permission. With no love lost between Ents and dragons, they may agree. Of course, they could also decide that you are an inferior little species of animal and try to grind you into the earth with a massive root foot.

A few buckets worth should usually suffice, but obtain extra if possible.

Once the heart is filled with marinade, it's time to transport it to the aging site for slow cooking, a cave near the top of a snowcapped mountain. Your cave must be above the permanent snowline and will ideally be more of a tunnel, open on both sides of the mountain such that a frigid and howling wind continually blows through it. Might we suggest the Way of the Wailing Wounded if you happen to be anywhere near Mount Macintosh. Over the years, the site has become a favorite for the aging of dragon hearts, as well as a deep freeze cemetery for the rich to have their bodies frozen in a sort of suspended animation, believing they can be revived somehow in the future. It's amazing what some people will spend their gold on.

But back to the Way of the Wailing Wounded. King Macintosh, of course he who also has the mountain named after him, had the tunnel dug through the peak for what he thought was a military advantage when warring with the Grundfelts in the valley below. The name of the tunnel is an excellent reminder of just how poorly King Macintosh’s men fared in their subsequent battles with the Grundfelts.

The tunnel is now nearly the perfect combination of hard rock and cold wind needed to cure a dragon heart properly, with the added advantage that there is a guard service available for a meager fee. No one wants to wait over a hundred years for a delicacy to properly age, only to find it has been stolen ages ago.

Now, you wait.

And tell your descendants what awaits them. And wait some more.

And probably die while waiting, and if you are rich enough and foolish enough, you can have yourself frozen just across the aisle from your dragon heart, while the remaining members of your family wait some more.

But let’s jump ahead. Whoever you have bequeathed your dragon heart to checks in on it around year 113, and discovers that it has aged and cold cooked to perfection. Just two more steps and you are ready to eat, three if you count hauling the heart down from the mountain.

Before you trek to the mountain top, though, you’ll need to prepare and take along the second marinade, or what we like to call the de-marinade. Over the last hundred plus years, all sorts of nasty and usually quite flammable compounds have formed inside your dragon heart. These need to be stabilized before moving it, or it would most likely explode as soon as it thawed.

Traditionally, this second marinade is made from paprika, lemongrass and the blood of a menopausal virgin (also known as an old maid), but times will likely be good since the dragon’s death, making old virgins often hard to come by. When the dragon ravaged the land and regular warfare nearly decimated entire generations of young warriors, it was an easier task. As a grudgingly offered substitute, you can also use stagnant pond water from Shank’s Pond at the deserted Castle of the Three Handed Accountant, and no that is not meant to be any kind of comment or comparison with the relative odor of menopausal virgins.

Whichever you decide to use, and we highly recommend the blood, don’t make the mistake of using young virgin blood, or near post-pubescent, as it will make the meat extremely bitter and rather bitchy tasting (and yes, bitchy is a specific type of bitter flavor. This is not a good bitter like hops in beer or a quality dark chocolate).

Pour the second marinade into the heart and haul it down from the mountain. The trip should be sufficient time for all the undesirable compounds to be absorbed. Once down and fully thawed, you are ready for the final step.

The second marinade mixture must be flushed from the heart with wild mountain yak’s milk. Your yaks, and you will need several, will need to be fed nothing but fresh barley and avocadoes for at least seven days prior to milking. The milk must not be allowed to contact the air before entering the heart. The mixture, though stable, has become very flammable during its marinating process, and the whole thing will likely spontaneously combust if any air is allowed to enter and mix with it. You can use a sealed container, but it is better and actually safer, for you, not for the yaks, if the milk can come directly from the teat, through a hose into the first chamber of the heart, while venting through the sixth chamber.

But don’t let these de-marinading fumes just escape. If you’re feeling so inclined, and feeling lucky, you can light the fumes as they escape and use them to flash fry some elephant kelp from the Sea of Serenity for the base of a salty, tasty charred side salad. Torching the fumes is also an excellent way to determine when the de-marinading is complete.

And believe it or not, your dragon heart is now both ready and safe to consume.

To assure that no unwanted flavors are transferred from knife to meat, carve your main dish with the sword won in a melee battle by a dead warrior queen. There are a surprisingly large number of such swords available, but as they are also collector’s items, they are sometimes hard to procure. We can rent you one if needed. Whatever you do, after all the effort and time that has gone into the dish, don’t skimp here and use any old blade.

That’s it. Salt and pepper to taste, garnish with some parsley, and only eat dragon heart meat with your fingers.

After your meal, sit back and enjoy the many benefits that come as a result of your patience and diligence. Dragon heart will bring you luck, prowess in battle, and immunity from magic hexes, as well as even improve your sense of humor and ability to carry a tune.

A typical misconception is that dragon heart will make you more virile or amorous, depending on your particular orientation, but that’s just a myth, and somewhat of a misnomer at that. Why would anyone go to all the trouble of preparing a dragon heart and waiting over a hundred years to improve their love life when there are already pills for that. You can consult your local apothecary, alchemist or wizard for them (you might even try a dark wizard here, if you want to live a little dangerously and really spice things up).

Dragon Heart Recipe

Main prep time – varies based on journeys required and starting location

   (assumes dragon is already dead and available locally)

Cold Roasting time – 113 years on average

2^nd marinade time – Whatever time it takes to get down off the mountain top

Post cooking inflammability process – 20 minutes to 2 days, depending on method chosen

Serves – Large family to a small village

Note: No magical ability is required to prepare this dish, though it may be beneficial in acquiring some of the necessary ingredients.

A word on measurements before we proceed. We are using the original text from Wagmore’s recipe as much as able, which included the ancient measuring method of the dwarves. If you are not familiar with them, here is a quick reference guide for those measurements:

Weight is measured in chips. One chip (chp) is equivalent to the amount of granite rock that an average dwarf can, well, chip off with a single strike of a pickaxe.

Liquid volume is measured in bladders. One bladder (bl) is the amount of whale oil a dwarf uses in a single day to fuel his head lamp when in the darkest depths of a subterranean mine. While this may sound like a large quantity, it is surprisingly moderate, as dwarves are well known for both having very good night vision and being extremely thrifty (or cheap, depending upon your perspective).

Solid volumes are measured in gems. A gem (gm) is the smallest quantity of precious stones that a typical dwarf lord will fight a duel to the death over. This is roughly equivalent to 2-1/2 pinches, or 1/8^th of a handful, and while these may not seem to be equal to each other, remember that dwarves have rather small hands and fat fingers.

Again, consult your nearest wizard (friendly recommended), apothecary or alchemist for other unit conversions needed. Do not, under any circumstances, consult a dwarf. They will lie to the extreme in order to appear more masculine.

Cold Roasted Dragon Heart Recipe

Ingredients: (Refer to above for suggestions on the best and proper methods for acquiring each ingredient)

Dragon Heart –         50-70 chp typical

Drasit horn –              2 gm, finely ground

Ent sap –                   4 bl (choose the tree type wisely)

Old Maid blood -     ½ bl (don’t worry, she won’t miss it)

Paprika-                     ¼ gm.

Lemongrass-              ½ gm.

Mt. yak milk-            4 to 5 yaks worth

Salt, pepper & parsley to taste

Equipment needed:

Mountain top cave, open to the elements

Burlap bags, enough to cover the heart

Water

Cart, sled or other means of conveyance to transport heart. Must be cold and snow adaptive

Yak milking apparatus

Grind the drasit horn between two 20 ch millstones to super fine. Dissolve in Ent sap and set aside. You may need to heat the sap, but do not exceed 50 F, or it will separate.

Immediately after removing the dragon heart, fill with the Ent sap mixture. Tie the vein or artery tightly closed for the second through fifth heart chambers, then fill starting with the sixth chamber, until it overflows from the first. Tie these chambers off as well. Wrap the heart completely in sopping wet burlap. It is advisable to have a fire brigade standing by in case of spontaneous combustion.

Always keeping the heart wetted, load it on to your transport of choice and convey it to the cave at the top of the mountain. Only when all the water you are carrying has frozen solid is it cold enough that its safe to stop dousing your heart with water.

Place the heart directly on a rock surface as close to the middle of the tunnel cave as possible.

The heart will continue to produce its enzyme, and the cold will remove the heat it creates after first allowing it to slowly cold cook.

Come back in approximately 113 years.

Note that as the magical creatures continue to emigrate away from Middling Earth to their ancestral homelands, time in Middling Earth is actually slowing down, so your cold roasting time may need to be adjusted. To avoid the need to constantly check your heart’s progress, consult your local astronomer, alchemist or wizard for timetable corrections.

Start checking your heart after 112 adjusted years. The dragon heart has been fully cold roasted when the burlap cover sluffs off, revealing a bluish tinted meat underneath.

Mix virgin blood, paprika and lemongrass to make second marinade. While still in the mountain cave, untie the first heart chamber and pour in the second marinade. Retie the chamber and load the heart for transport down the mountain.

Transport down the mountain and allow the heart to thaw overnight. Flush the second marinade out of the heart with the yak’s milk, assuring no air is allowed to enter the process.

Add salt, pepper and parsley to taste.

Comments:

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Butcher Balthasar For extra flavor, skip the parsley and wrap the heart in bacon before serving, ‘cause everything’s better with bacon.

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Morgana L My grandad started this for us, his grandchildren. Then, after he died, my stupid Dad decided he didn’t want to have to look around for a proper virgin when the time came, so the bastard locked me in a chastity belt for 22 years.

But now I’m free, full of luck and having the time of my life. So if you want to have a good time, message me, Morgana the Old Maid, at Gomorrah’s Gates of Pleasure, mmm.gomorrah.me.

Come see what an Old Maid can do.

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Dr. H. Fell  Goes lovely with fava beans and a nice Chianti, but then, doesn’t everything.

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