A FIERY GOODBYE

The next morning, Steve woke early. There was smoke in the air and I wondered if the cabin was on fire. Once he opened the door, we saw that the forest was on fire. This made our exit hastier. I followed behind him, resigned to our fate. The leaves of the tree closest to the house were on fire, and the flames spread quickly, first to that tree then others surrounding. We raced through the forest, trying to exit before the fire reached us. The leaves were on fire, and the fire spread quickly to the branches. As the forest burned, it felt like the death of all my dreams.

My thoughts were frenzied and rushed like the fast-spreading fire. Unlike the forest, which was losing part of itself, I was losing something that had never been mine. I realised just how much of a stranger Steve was and how much I had wanted him to belong to me. My hopes for a new life and of our love, burnt too in the fire. My life lost its colour with each leaf that turned to ashes. 

We were almost at the end of the forest when I tripped over a branch. I twisted my ankle and fell to the ground. A burning branch fell down; and set the tree branches around on fire. I screamed, and Steve turned around. He tried to get through the fire to save me, but it burnt higher and higher. I cried out, seeing no way out and the fire raged around me. It crept closer and closer. Steve said, 'I will be back; I'm going to get help.'

I shut my eyes and started praying. I could feel the flames creep closer. Would Steve save me, or would this be my end? The smoke was so thick, I couldn't breathe. The fire burned hotter, and I could feel the heat enfold me. I felt the flames touch me with a searing burn, and I screamed out. All I felt was agony for what seemed like an eternity, and then I felt nothing. I vaguely heard Steve call out, 'Julie! Hang in there I'm here.'

I opened my eyes and saw Steve surrounded by a halo of light. He had somehow cleared a way through the burning shrubs surrounding me and carried me out. I wrapped my arms around him, and he carried me the rest of the way to where we had parked the car.

Steve spoke softly, 'I'm so sorry, Julie. I didn't mean the things I said. Of course, I want to be with you.'

I didn't speak, just kept my arms wrapped around him, enjoying his soothing voice. He placed me in the backseat, gently lowering and covering me with a blanket. He shut the door and sat in the driver's seat. He started the car, turned and looked at me worriedly, ' Don't sleep off. We'll get to the hospital soon.’ When I remained quiet, he whispered,’ Say something Julie, and please give me a chance to fix this.'

I opened my lips, and no sound came out. I tried it again. 'This doesn't make any sense', I thought to myself. I tried to lift my hand to touch Steve, but I couldn't. I started panicking. I started thinking, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Steve turned and started driving the car. He spoke, 'I'm taking you to the hospital, my love.'

I lay in the backseat, numb, thinking to myself about how close I had come to losing him. I thought of the past two years, how I held grudges because he couldn't be there for me. I realised a lot of life is lived holding on so tight to what you think is essential. You go through the motions and find someone that makes you smile; someone that makes you happy. 

You hold out for someone who takes you out to dinner and buys you flowers. You dream of a man who will call you every day just to hear your voice. You keep waiting for the one, and you forget to see the one that's holding your hand as your friend every day telling you it's going to be okay. You don't see the quiet and firm cheerleader who tells you he believes in you so much and don't you dare stop going.

 Even if he isn't there every minute, he tells you that you mean something, you mean everything and that he has never felt anything close to the way he feels for you. 

It scares you, and it excites you. You retreat into yourself because you know that you can't live up to that kind of expectation. Maybe the man is like the others, and he doesn't mean it. He is just saying things he thinks you want to hear. 

In the quiet ride to the hospital, Steve kept glancing back at me worriedly. I saw the truck bearing down on us as he drove around the corner. I tried to scream out a warning, but my throat still wasn't working. I heard a loud bang as the truck smashed into Steve's car.

At that moment, I had the sudden clarity that this was everything I had been looking for. This love had been my destiny, and all I had to do was not screw up. All I had to do was show him that I deserved to be loved the way he loved you. 

I had lived full of doubts, insecurities and fear. That maybe I deserved nothing. Perhaps I didn't deserve to be loved because why would anyone love me? I wasn't much of anything; I didn't have anything going for me. Who was I to be loved when he had his wife and family? I would always be the loser. 

I opened my eyes, and Steve was right next to me. He took my hand and gazed into my eyes with so much love. I held his gaze for a few moments and then tore it off and looked around us.

I saw car wreckage. The police and paramedics were at the scene, trying to extricate his body. I overheard them talking. 'He looks like he died on impact.' They rolled his body to the ambulance. Someone called out,' There is someone in the backseat.' They extricated my body too. I heard someone murmur, 'She looks badly burned. And has been dead several hours.'

It occurred to me that I had been dead when Steve carried me to the car. I guess this is what they meant by haunting the person you loved.

I looked at Steve, scared. He smiled at me, 'It’s okay Julie. We are together the way it was meant to be.'

I looked at Steve and pushed away from the pain I had felt, the emptiness. I had let it ruin my life and taint everything beautiful. Maybe in death, I would find the peace and love that eluded me in life.

I said to him, 'I'm ready for love now.'