Behind the mask

David glanced at his watch with a mixture of excitement but mostly subdued guilt. The feelings never escaped him and it had been two years since they had begun. It was a war inside him. The guilt was overwhelming but the winner was always the same. The sense of adventure, of secrets hidden and delight won over every time. No contest. Or maybe now, it was something darker, more harmful that kept him going back?

“I’m off now,” he said as lightly as he could manage, directing his remark to the back of the woman, washing up the remains of their dinner in the kitchen. She was humming an old song to herself that she had heard on the radio earlier and it was slightly reminiscent to him, bringing back memories of an earlier time together. She seemed content and he was pleased that she did not turn to face him. He was sure he revealed more than he wanted to. Surely it was exposed on his face, etched in the lines, revealing his thoughts. Didn’t his eyes betray him every time? However, the days, weeks, months and now years had passed and she had never questioned him. It sometimes made him feel invincible. The risks grew greater with the freedom he seemed to possess.

“Enjoy your evening with the boys,” she threw back at him happily. “Say hi to them all from me.” No doubts, no ideas. Just simple trust in their friendship, their wedding promises and the foundations of their lives together that held the cracks she knew nothing about. The cracks he had made and was now widening.  “Just pop up and say goodnight to the kids first, please.”

David groaned inwardly, not with the task but the deceit he knew he would feel facing them. They were too young to understand but he knew they would feel the consequences of his Friday evenings out more than he would. If he was ever found out. Opening their bedroom door, he peeped in, to find them eagerly waiting for him, their eyes shining with expectation.

“Read us a story, daddy,” the eldest one said.

“ I can’t tonight, son. Daddy’s going out now and I’m going to be late, “ he lied.

He could see their visual disappointment and he hated himself. How could anything he would feel tonight replace the hurt he had just caused them? Was a strange hotel room of more value than the few minutes he could have spent with them, giving them peace for their night-time sleep. Minutes of their childhood that he could have spent with them would pass and he would miss them. The lie had been told, the excuse was out and he could not give in. He would be late and then there would be an argument about the cause of it.  At the heart of his affair, lay not the bliss and temporary escape that he had hoped for, but anger, reprimands and blackmail. Yet, he could not escape. He was a crab caught in the cooking pot. The water was getting hotter and he could not move. Sometimes, he just waited for the inevitable ending.

Closing the front door, he became the alter ego. The family man was forgotten. He was now simply David, the man who had met Sarah at work. Conversations about the job, the people they had lunch with and problems that arose from 9 – 5 moved from those hours to after hours. Texts on his phone  meant he had hidden it from his wife for several years. At night, he had to keep it under his pillow in case she had found it left on the side. After work drinks extended from minutes to hours and finally he had been hooked. Giggles and laughter became in jokes, picnics were planned, games were played. An emotional relationship became a physical one. Past the point of no return, the lies began….

‘If you ever cheat on me, I’ll leave you.” Had that ever been said, or was it just something you assumed would happen if the dirty deed ever took place? It was never something he had intended. He loved her. He loved his kids. He didn’t even want an affair. Or did he? Did he really? Had he encouraged it as much as Sarah had? His flirting that he had thought so innocent, had appeared as desire, as more than it had been meant. So it had happened and now he couldn’t stop it. If the truth came out, he was sure he’d lose everything. So it had to continue just to keep the peace.

David did not stop to think of his own reputation, so painstakingly gained, that he was destroying; the trust he had obliterated which would take years (if ever) to rebuild; and the devastation he would cause to the woman who had supported him through so much in his life so far. Her heart would be broken. She would question what was wrong with her. She would lose her own identity and self-confidence. At every step, he had the chance to turn back and re-enter the house. To come clean. He jumped into the car and closed the door.

He'd thought he would tell her so many times but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was a coward really despite all the bragging he did with his friends. Of course they knew but it was never mentioned. Did they pity her? Did they admire him? Did they think him a fool? He never asked and was never told. Maybe it would have been better if somebody confronted him, told him to confess or else…. But they never did.

‘How can it be wrong, when it feels so right?’ so the lyrics went. It always felt right when he got there, when he closed his mind to the ones who meant so much to him every minute of the day, when he ignored their claims on his life, when he became simply selfish, fuelling his own ego.

He drove away, still feeling sick with the worry that maybe tonight would be the last. How would it end? Would there be a text that she read? Would there be the smell of perfume on his coat? He always made sure he showered before he returned, scared of leaving the forensic evidence on his body that might betray his lies. But you never knew when you would be found out. Would they be seen by an unknowing friend? Would Sarah finally turn up on his doorstep, sick of the promises that he had made to leave his wife, finally knowing it would never happen?

The darkness enveloped him. He saw two faces in the headlights of the cars. His wife beside him on so many occasions, smiling up at him and relying on his security and stability for their family and Sarah’s face, smiling as she greeted him at the hotel door, never there for long enough to be really important. So many decisions to make, so many lives at stake. What should he do?

David sighed as he stood outside the door. For better or worse….he opened it.