Raining Cats and Dogs

The day starts like any other Friday. The alarm sounds way too early, you hit snooze two times too many, and find yourself cursing with vehemence your decision last night to watch just one more episode of Brooklyn 99. As you frantically shampoo your hair with one hand and attempt to shave your armpits with the other, soap suds descend into your eyes, and it takes two extra minutes, and many tears of pain, to clear your vision. 

Once out of the shower, your realize that you forgot to condition your hair. This would not be significant for most people, but is an absolute necessity for someone with hair as thick as yours. But you’re already running 20 minutes behind and you haven’t even put your underwear on yet, so today your scalp will just have to take one for the team. Yanking a brush through matted curls, you wonder for the thousandth time why you don’t just buy 2-in-1 shampoo-and-conditioner, and simplify at least this one aspect of your life.

You are shoving bites of toast into your mouth, while concurrently hunting for your other shoe and skimming the morning’s headlines on your news app, when you make the terrible discovery that you are out of coffee. No matter- you’ll stop at the Starbucks right by work and all will be well. Then the bus zooms by the front window, and you have to grab your bag and run, because if you are fast enough, you could still make this bus and not be late for work. If the stars have aligned just right, Mrs. Meyers will have a doctor’s appointment today, and the two minutes that she takes to maneuver her giant walker up the bus ramp will allow you to board the bus with some dignity after her, rather than covered in sweat and huffing like a horse, as you usually do.

Mrs. Meyers is not at the bus stop, but you must be sprinting faster, because you arrive with 5 seconds to spare, and the bus driver doesn’t even roll her eyes at you as you step on the bus. Perhaps you are wheezing slightly less than usual, and your face may be only misted instead of bathed in perspiration. Could this day turn out to be good?

But your hopes are quickly dashed. The line at Starbucks is out the door, and even though the Dunkin Donut’s line is shorter, you recognize the clerk as the slowest server you have ever met. You have expressed this opinion to him, loudly and with much feeling, on a morning that was not dissimilar to this one. Today you feel it’s in everyone’s best interests if you just take your chances with the often undrinkable cafeteria sludge that passes for coffee in your building. But a third blow is waiting for you there: all the carafes are empty except for the one containing decaf coffee, there are no mini creamers, and the cafeteria is out of sugar.  

You arrive at your desk only 15 minutes late but utterly un-caffeinated and think to yourself, things can only go up from here, right?

Wrong! Looking over the afternoon cloud predictions, you find that you have grossly mis-forecast this weekend’s weather.  Just yesterday, you assured your mother that it was a great idea to book a non-refundable garden walking tour for Saturday, and the day before, you promised your neighbor a Sunday afternoon that was 85 degrees and sunny. Enchanted by the promise of a perfect summer day, she decided to host her son’s fifth birthday party in the yard, rather than at Lasertron, as previously planned. You picture her house in two days time, crammed with screaming, children, sopping wet from the unexpected downpour, but hopped up on cake and ice cream, licking furniture and leaving sticky fingerprints on the walls. You hope that she forgives you, but will understand if she cannot.

Double check the numbers...winds from the east...warm front meeting cold front...cloud cover coming from the north...nope, there’s no way around it. The rain will be a deluge, and it should be starting right about now.

You did not bring your umbrella to work this morning.

The office window darkens, and thunder rumbles distantly. The first light litter-patters of rain start to kiss the window pane, then- THUNK! You look out the window and see a kitten plastered to the glass. It mews quietly as it slides down the window, its tail whipping madly back and forth, its fur standing sidewise in the gale force winds. The kitten reaches the sill, then jumps to the ground and trots around the corner of your building.  

Pressing your face to the glass, you look left and right, then stare across the neighboring parking lot. Where did that kitten come from? The answer isn’t obvious, and you can’t spend too much time thinking about it because you have a broadcast in 15 minutes, and you need to come up with some peppy, self-deprecating lines about the weather’s change in plans.  

You are just sitting down at your desk when- SPLAT! Your head whips back to the window, and this time you see a long eared puppy, big paws scrabbling at the glass, balancing precariously on the window ledge before falling unceremoniously onto the ground below. You run to the window, throw up the sash, and lean out to look down. But all is well; the puppy jumps up and runs across the parking lot, barking loudly.  

Still leaning out the window, you look up. Where did that puppy come from?  

And then you see them. Growing larger with each passing second, the falling forms of calicos, tabbies, labs, pugs- all hurtling towards earth at increasing speed. It’s raining cats and dogs.  

A black cat lands on all four feet on the ground in front of you, then sits down and immediately begins to clean its tail. Seconds later, a fully grown Golden Retriever falls to earth beside it. It gives itself a shake, then seeing you, wags its tail and runs to the window, eager to become best friends.  

You could not have forecast this.  

The office door flies open and in runs Ryan, your producer. He’s speaking excitedly, gesturing wildly at the window and the camera operator waiting behind him, but all you hear is “BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!...”

...and you turn over, smacking the snooze button expertly, eyes unopened, working off of muscle memory alone. Just five more minutes. You stayed up way too late last night watching Brooklyn 99 and you’re tired.  And besides, the dream was just starting to get interesting...