Reflections of broken hearts

I had spent so many hours weaving the delicate lace, measuring and stitching fabric together to create the gown to dress this beautiful girl. I waited anxiously and with great joy for the day Lilly would wear it to walk down the chapel isle.

           Now she stood in front of the looking glass that had come with my dowery, the wedding dress fitting perfectly to her tiny form. I had helped arraign her auburn curls into darling little ringlets about her head by taming the errant tresses with little silk bows. She had applied a minimum of cosmetics to accentuate her already pretty face and had donned her mother’s pearl necklace and earrings.

           The image of the perfect bride reflected to her, perfect except for the fear in her eyes.

           The ache in my heart grew as I studied her. Should I tell her to cease this night’s rituals, to take off the dress and go about the rest of her day as if nothing so frightening was about to happen. Despite the heat from the hearth, I pulled my shawl tight around my old shoulders to stay off the chill creeping down my spine.

           She had been so young, just beginning to crawl about and discover her world, when I came to live with my son. Patrick had sent many letters explaining how fortune had smiled on him in America. His farm in Ohio had grown and become quite profitable. It had taken quite a bit of convincing that the move could be beneficial for both of us. In the end I found I longed to know my grandchildren and despite being sure I would be homesick; I missed my son.

           I made certain that I was useful, caring for Lilly and her older brothers, cleaning and cooking, tending to the small gardens by the house.

           The room I had been given was spacious with pretty wallpaper, large windows, and a big soft bed. I would spend many evening hours teaching Lily about the ways of her ancestors within these walls. I told her stories of the creatures who inhabited dark spaces and granted luck to those deserving. Of beings who could be both kind and revengeful in their makeup and would place a blessing or a curse on someone that would even outlast their lifetime.

           I attended Christian Church services every Sunday with the family, and I was careful to follow the church’s doctrine and even volunteered to teach Sunday School to the congregation’s youngsters, making sure that I appeared to be the perfect Christian member.

           My son and his wife had become aware that I had begun to teach Lilly the Celtic beliefs, they were certain that their daughter would come to understand them as if they were nothing more than some of the fairytales that had been read to her at bedtime. When she had begun to speak a few Gaelic words, they just smiled and summed it up to “baby talk”.

           I had wanted to keep the Irish alive for at least one more generation, but now my regrets were making my stomach feel heavy.

           Lilly turned from the mirror and reached for the quilt that she had laid across the chair that sat nearby.

           “Why do you insist on keeping this beautiful mirror covered Grandmother?”

           She had asked the question before, and just like before, I failed to acknowledge the request for the information.

           “Your brothers are just about finished with the fire.” I nodded toward the window that gave me the view of the vegetable garden that I tended too in its season.

           Her older siblings had honored my request for Samhain, as Americans they had learned the name of the day to be Halloween. Each year I asked them to amass a large pile of wood to burn on the plot, the pile of wood seemed especially high this autumn.

           Lily touched her fingertips to the old walnut wood that had been skillfully worked to frame the oval glass before she draped the quilt back over the piece of furniture. I wondered how much longer the carefully worked wood and marred glass would last.

           I remembered how my mother had gifted the treasure to me on the day of my wedding, she spoke some of the old Irish as she pulled the covering from it and turned to me, I had been so busy fussing over my appearance that I had failed to take note of the words and their meaning. I was certain that the phrase was nothing more than a wish for good luck.

           Lilly picked up the lantern and basket that she had left set on the floor by the door. She had spent the previous day baking and cooking the candies and cakes that were now resting in the wicker. A bottle of the blackberry wine that I had helped distill the earlier summer nested among the sweets.

           Lilly turned toward me, a forced smile on her face, and bent down to place a kiss on my cheek. I reached to fuss with the gown and quickly wiped the tears I did not know had fallen on my cheeks.

           “Don’t worry Grandma,” she gave me a reassuring nod, “I will come back with Will, and we will go wake the pastor and be married this very night”. a soft smile dimpled her cheeks “It will be considered quite the scandal, the neighbors, and the congregation will be gossiping for months, and this will be good. Everyone will be so shocked that they will forget to consider how Will is among us.”           

           I made a quick grab for her hand as she turned to the door, but she slipped into the darkened hallway and disappeared into her future. I put my attention to the window and waited for my history.

           The flowing virginal white of Lillies dress made her appear ghostly as she approached the flames. She set down the basket and lantern and began the dance.

           I remembered how when I had been younger, and the steps would seem so easy, how the flames singed my skin nearest the fire while the cold air chilled the rest of my flesh.

           Certain of the happy life that lay ahead of us, my hopes were crushed when the war had taken my husband from me. Knowing that a child was on its way led me to further despair and I wished that I had listened to my mother’s words as she spoke of the Celtic ways and traditions. When the Sanhain festival came, I went on the challenge of rescuing him.

           I watched Lilly dancing about the fire, the steps I had taught her, singing the words to the spirits on this night.

           The family had been so ecstatic when a young man from a neighboring farm had sked for her hand the year before, just at the time United States had gone to war with itself.

The suitor, Will, had gone off to serve in the army.

With no one doubting that the war would be quickly over, preparations were underway for the ceremony and celebration that would follow Will’s return.

Any spare time was spent making ready for the special day, then came a notice in the mail, the letter spoke of Will’s heroic death.

Now I watched Lilly finish the dance, light the lantern and pick up the basket and walk away to the dark night.

When I had made the same venture, the fairies had gathered to my skirts as soon as I stepped into the darkness.

I began to regret all those times I had spent teaching her of the ways of old Ireland, of beliefs that would never have come to change her life if I had not taught them to her.

Like I had, she would be going to nearby caves, to the lowest in the earth she could achieve, handing out the sweet treats to the spirits that would follow her.

When I had filled my basket with confections, sugar had been dear, the number of cookies and candies had been fewer than the basket I had helped Lilly fill. I hoped the greater number of treats would ensure her success.

On this day, the veil before this life and the other is very thin and can be passes through. We are given the chance to be reunited with our loved ones and hopefully bring them back.

I found myself reciting rehearsed prayers, some to the old Celtic gods and some to the Christian God that I had become accustomed too. I prayed for Lillies safety, that her heart would be happy from this day forward.

I remembered descending into the cave, into the narrow fissures that would lead me to the man I loved. It was damp, I had to carefully place my feet so I would not slip on the slick rocks.

When I reached the lowest point of the cave, I held out my hand and waited. The cave seemed to inhale a large breath and then hold it. The light of the lantern died and then I felt his hand slip into mine.

He spoke my name and I began to shake. I hoped that this did not mean my faith was weak. The baby in my belly jumped. The Gods were not allowed to harm an innocent unborn soul, but if I did not bring Will back with me, he could be trapped to spend eternity in the veil.

I tried to tighten my hold, but tremors ran through my body weakening my grip and I felt his hand begin to slip away.

The night’s creatures began to brush by my skirts. I knew that Lilly must have descended through the darkness by now, did she have enough treats to please these spirits?

I made a mad grab for Patrick’s arm, but he slipped away, and I felt the veil lay on my skin.

When the elderly had told me of Samhien ritual, they had told me that here could be different outcomes, the happiest being that your love is strong enough to bring back the one you adore, once free from the other side you are free to walk through your lives together. If your love lacks the needed passion, the other side of the veil could trap you both or pull you both through to the other side, or if only one of you has the faith needed, one or both of you could be caught in the veil.

           Now I sat in my rocking chair worrying the floorboards to creaking. Early that morning, before the sun rose, I came home with my hand and heart empty. I had only been spared due to the baby and I had lost Patric.

           I came into my room and looked into the mirror to find Patric looking back to me. He would only appear there before sunrise; now I rise each morning to gaze into the glass. He fails to notice me. He stands disinterested in everything as if there is nothing to see. I curse myself for not loving him enough to carry him through.

           As the night stretches’ out in front of me, I wonder whose reflection I will find in the mirror, in the morning.