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Daily checklist:
Brush teeth
Get changed
Breakfast at 11 with Laura
Lunch
Go for a walk
Dinner
Medication
January 17, 1994
Dear diary, I woke up last night with a terrible pounding headache. It was one of the ones where you don't have to shut your eyes and focus on your heartbeat because it's already pounding in your ears anyway. I found my way to the medicine cabinet and took a couple of aspirins. And cholinesterase. And antipsychotics. I smiled as I felt all the pain wash away. It seemed as if it was never there at all. Like a wave.
I trudged back into bed and shut my eyes. Then I opened them. Then shut them. Then I opened them. This went on for a couple of minutes before I sighed, realizing that I couldn't fall asleep. Stupid medication. I rolled over and found myself face to face with the wall.
I used to have a picture of my son there. Or did I? Where is my son? Do I have a son? I seem to have forgotten.
This seemed to be the problem with me. I'd remember and then forget the fine line between reality and what my doctor described as "what only I can see".
It was strange knowing that you were different. Untrusted. Fake. All those times when people ask you if you're ok when you're really not but you still choose to say you're doing fine anyway has become the monotonous task of reality for me. If it even is reality. I wouldn't know. My reality is different anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if it's me that's changing or if it's the world. What if it's not the fact that I'm seeing things, but just the fact that others are just too blind sighted to see them as well.
That thought hurt my head.
I hate doubting myself. But that's just my life.
I hope I can fall back asleep soon.
Daily Checklist
Medication (In the morning now)
Breakfast
Ask for more paper
More pencils
Lunch
Dinner
Stars?????
January 21, 1994
Dear diary, I can't sleep again but I went outside today. The stars looked really nice. I can't remember the last time I ventured outside. But that's ok. I've gotten used to forgetting. The medication really doesn't help. They said that I'll get to see my kids again if I cooperate with my treatment. There's that word again. Kids. I don't remember them but apparently, I had two. Did they say two? I can't remember.
I remember the days of resisting my medication. It was vigorous work believe me. I guess I stopped when the put me in the white room and shoved the meds down my throat.
The white room still gives me the shivers.
At least in my new room, they let me keep pictures. Pictures are pretty. I think I used to have them in my old house. Actually, I'm certain of it.
That's a first.
I believe the picture was of a flower. I remember seeing green. Or maybe it was of a lemon. Lemons were the green ones, right? Or were they...
You know what I'm not about to get into this.
Laura moved me to a new room yesterday. It's really nice. She's nice too. She has really pretty green eyes. Blue eyes. Green eyes. Maybe they're green blue.....
My new room is green. The walls, the carpet, the bedsheets, and the curtains are all green. It hurts my eyes.
I tried to ask for some brighter colors like yellow or blue in the room but they looked at me like I was crazy and walked away.
I'm not crazy. I feel fine.
Daily checklist
Breakfast
Brush teeth
Medication
Lunch
Ponder the afterlife
Dinner
Bed
February 3rd, 1994
Dear diary, up again. The clock reads three A.M. Though it's hard to read against the strange blue glow of the walls. It looks pretty. I wanna touch it. I feel like a kid again. Unless this is a dream... In that case, I'd be an adult living in a kid's body in a dream. I wish I was flying in this dream. Instead of writing. That's boring. At least I'm not dreaming of the monsters.
The monsters.
I did a lot of thinking today. And I've decided not to tale my medication. It's obviously trying to implant a serum into my brain and take over my whole body. It's the government I tell you. I'm not the crazy one they are. I'm perfectly normal. Yes, I'm normal. I'm not crazy. Not Crazy. I'm ok. This is reality. They're the dream and I'm the reality. Not crazy. Not crazy. NotCrazy. Notcrazy.Notcrazy.Notcrazy.Notcrazy.Notcrazy.Not cra
Oh, the walls are pink now. It's so pretty. Like a flower. I get flowers sometimes. The strange man brings them to me. I don't like the strange man. He smells like outside. I think. Like trees. I haven't seen a tree for so long. All I see now is dust and cacti and the stars. He's always telling me it's going to be ok. That he's here for me. That he loves me.
I say he's the government.
I wonder some days if I'm there's anyone else in the strange building. I've only ever seen 2 rooms, the white room, and the glowing room. Yesterday though I heard a strange scream. It was almost inaudible. But it was quite loud so I heard it.
I think somebody's singing outside my window.
I wish they gave me windows.
Daily checklist
Write down Last nights dream(s)
Breakfast
Make bed
Lunch
Dinner
Bed
February ??? 1994
The white room. The white room is back. It's trying to take me. It wants me to give in. But I won't. I will not shut my eyes. I will not shut my eyes. I will not shut my eyes. I will not shut my eyes.
I don't remember how to sleep. I only remember the familiar feeling of closing my eyes and having a wave of tiredness wash over me. Dreamless sleep was the best. I never dreamt of the monsters.
The monsters.
I don't remember much but the pictures of the monsters never went away. Their image was forever burnt into my mind.
Forever.
Soon I realized that the monsters weren't just in my head, they were everywhere. The first time I saw one that was when it started. I couldn't remember anything, just the horrible stench of there flesh and their hollowed-out eyes and their lanky limbs and-
I don't want to remember.
I didn't want to remember anything anymore.
The doctors said they were only a figment of my imagination, that I was insane, that I was seeing things ever since "the accident."
I don't remember any "accident".
All I remember now is the monsters
The things that I see are not what I'm seeing it's what the monsters see.
The things I see are not just my imagination they're whatever I want them to be.
If I want the walls red they're red.
If they didn't give me the stars I'll give myself the stars.
If I wanted the white room...
Well, I didn't want the white room. It was the hardest to manipulate, or at least by myself. But I'm in the hallway now.
Because they helped me.
The monsters helped me.
And now I give you the truth.
Thay never were hallucinations.
Just my reality.
I am reality.
I am the monsters.
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Oops! Typo in my critique...in the first sentence, it should be "The protagonist IN my work, and not the protagonist IS my work." LOL. :)
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Dear Anna,
First, I love your name. (The protagonist is my work in progress is called Anne.)
I greatly enjoyed reading your short story, Feeling fine. It was a very compelling and suspenseful story. I was literally on the edge of my seat. :)
First question: Has Stephen King influenced your writing style? This story feels like something he would write. (This is a wonderful thing to me; King is a master of writing believable and compelling narratives.)
Next, I enjoyed the daily checklist device that you used. Each time the reader sees the checklist, they can use the data to put together a fuller picture of what is occurring in the narrator's life.
Also, I thought the pacing of this story, and the short paragraphs/sentences, were very well thought out. Your writing takes the reader inside of the protagonist's mind, and this is also a very Stephen King-like skill. (If you despise King, my sincerest apologies.)
Last, but not least, I thought that many parts of this story (very accurately) captured what life can be like for someone who experiences schizophrenia, takes medicine, feels better, and decides not to take their medication. (Then, they go back into the hospital and begin to feel like a zombie, etc.)
My grandma was schizophrenic, and struggled with this cycle. (Inherent in having this kind of disorder.) Personally, I really made a strong connection to this story in the moment where the narrator says: "I remember the days of resisting my medication. It was vigorous work believe me. I guess I stopped when they put me in the white room and shoved the meds down my throat."
This portion of the narrative caused me to feel genuine empathy for what my grandma had experienced. (when she would stop taking her prescriptions, and had to return to the hospital.)
I can imagine, that, in the sixties (when she first was admitted to a hospital for her symptoms) that something like this actually happened to her.
Anyway, because of your writing style, (and the way you balanced showing and telling in the narrative) I think that another important skill you have developed is the ability to allow the reader to empathize with the struggles of the protagonist.
Because of the quality of this work, I have very little to suggest in the way of improvement. (other than minor typos)
The main thing I would suggest is to make this story a bit longer (or perhaps it's the beginning of a novel?) because I personally enjoyed reading about this character so much! :)
p.s. The only other thing I would suggest is to change the name of one of the prescriptions at the beginning of the story. Personally, I did not know what Cholinesterase was commonly prescribed for, so I googled. :) I didn't find Cholinesterase listed as a drug name, but I found listings for Cholinesterase inhibitors. (Commonly prescribed for schizophrenia and a variety of other things.)
However, I must admit that I don't know the names of drugs that psychiatrists prescribe for schizophrenia. (Perhaps they shorten the name to Cholinesterase?)
At any rate, this was a tiny problem and it may not need fixing. :)
As you can guess by now, I am a fan of your writing and will continue to look out for things you have written.
Have a wonderful day, and catch you later,
Ruth
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Hello Ruth! My oh my how your comment just made my morning! I'm surprised that people are actually reading my work and actually liking it! Now, time to answer some questions/comments.
1. You gotta love the name :) I actually know quite a few Anne's but not that many Annas. Here's a fun fact: The name Anna Hasn't left the top 240 of names since we started keeping track in the 1800s. It's currently ranked 54.
2. I'm actually a big fan of Stephan king. Along with Tim Burton. And I just watched Terminator. I honestly had no clue where this story was going and my writing is known for having a "fantastic" ending that never really went with the story but still :). I just finished reading The "Maze Runner" series and I guess that's where some of the inspiration came from. Oh, and my aunt has paranoia schizophrenia. But we'll get into that later.
3. I really wish I was that organized and made a checklist daily.
4. I honestly had no clue where the plot would end up but the ending was for the reader to decide. Here's a list of endings for your convenience :).
1. She actually is a monster and has some epic powers and escaped.
2. She's still seeing things and never escaped. It was all a figment of her imagination.
3. As our protagonist suggested the government is messing with her mind and the things she sees are actually the things the government wants her to see.
4. Or my personal favorite: The protagonist is actually already dead BUT is trying to remember her past life and due to her severe memory loss along with schizophrenia this is all she could conjure up.
That last one was dark... but I kinda don't hate it.
4. As I mentioned earlier my aunt was actually diagnosed with paranoia schizophrenia. She's still alive and well in California right now. She's actually some of the only family I have left on my mom's side. Unlike our main character, she does take her medication though and isn't in a mental hospital. Most things in the hospital were just my imagination like the white room (which in my mind was kinda like a padded cell) and her own room (which in real life would've been quite accurate maybe just with fewer colors though).
5. I wasn't in the mood that week for quite a long write but I know that I could've written more and given a conclusive ending.
6. I'd heard that Cholinesterase was commonly found in the medications because of my aunt but I didn't know exactly how they were used. I'll make sure to fix it, don't worry:)
Thanks for the comments, Ruth. I guess I'll check you out too. You really did make my morning! See ya later alligator!
-Anna (The one with the epic name lol)
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If only I knew how to edit it lol
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Hi Anna,
I am so happy to meet you. 🙂 I tell everyone that I have been on sabbatical for a l
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Hello Anna,
I am also happy when anyone reads my stuff and leaves feedback. (It can be like pulling teeth, and I also don't want to do self-promotion that is too cheesey.)
LOL, when people in America hear my name, they will often say: "My grandma has that name." (I never know what to say to this.)
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This in the 2nd part of my message, as I am using a VPN, and the Reedsy app will sometimes stop, and I lose longer messages that I am texting.
Anyway, I think your name is a good name for a writer. It just sounds right.
I'm a big fan of Stephen King, especially his older stuff like The Stand. I think I have loved every short story that he has written, as well.🙂
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This is the third part of this epistle.🙂
Ohmygosh! I adore Tim Burton's early stuff, especially Batman, and Batman Returns.
I love the loved when he and Johnny Depp first collaborated, but they seemed to have collaborations that didn't produce the same high quality of work after they had collaborated for many years.
I was sorry to hear about your aunt, but so happy that she has excellent meds. Medication helps so many people (I know, because I take medication that works for OCD) but there can still be such a stigma that a few people still hold onto, concerning different neurological problems that people have. So I am glad that you are bringing awareness to topics that people may be afraid of.
With your feedback on my story, you made my day as well! 🙂 I am writing about Err
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Lol, 4th part-
I am writing about Errol Flynn this week, and I had better get back to finishing it. As you can guess, it is dark.🙂 As soon as I finish, I am going to write a light-hearted story. What about you? What is your work in progress? Also, are you on Twitter?
LOL, I am a very curious person.🙂
(I will respond to your other kind message, later.)
Have a great day, and catch you later,
Ruth
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