Dr. Jerkenstein and the Time Machine

Dr. Jerkenstein and the Time Machine

Dr. Jerkenstein paced back and forth in his lab. He ran the calculations again in his head. I believe I have done the math correctly, he thought. I save my place in history with the time stamp, and I can go forward X amount of years. Dr. Jerkenstein passed the machine back and forth between his hands. The greatest invention in history was basically an old calculator. Reggie squawked and ruffled his pink feathers before he devoured the carcass in front of him. Lyra told Dr. Jerkenstein that it looked like a deer when she found it on the freeway. She billed him extra for the way it stunk up her Kia. Dr. Jerkenstein rubbed Reggie’s reptilian skin through the bars of his cage. All for you my beautiful beastie, Dr. Jerkenstein thought. One of Reggie’s yellow eyes looked at him.

           “Dr. Jerkenstein—” Lyra said from the computer.

           “It is pronounced Dr. Jerken-schtein,” Dr. Jerkenstein said for the tenth time. Why can’t silly girl learn how to pronounce my name? He looked at the image of her on the screen.

           “Sorry, Dr. Jerkenstein,” Lyra said correctly. “Are you sure about this? What if it backfires?”

Dr. Jerkenstein made a confused noise. She could not see his face—Lyra had never seen what her employer actually looks like—but Dr. Jerkenstein liked it more that way. She was much to pretty to be in the same room as him. People thought he was crazy enough for engineering Reggie. The last thing he needed was talk of a sexual scandal with a beautiful young intern. So he communicated to her exclusively through the computer.

           “I mean, what if this thing strands you in the future?” Lyra asked.

           “I am only going five years,” Dr. Jerkenstein clarified. “I want to see how the world accepts Reggie after we announce his existence.”

           “I wish you had made Reggie more camera friendly,” Lyra muttered.

           Dr. Jerkenstein frowned. “That’s why I gave him pink feathers. They make him cuter, no?”

           “Dr. J., Reggie is a dinosaur that eats roadkill. He looks like a flamingo and Satan had a baby that was raised by alligators.”

           “Is Satan the one who breaks into people’s houses and gives people presents by force?” Dr. Jerkenstein asked. He never had much time for superstition.

           Lyra sighed. “No, Dr. J. that’s Santa Claus.”

           “I believe they both wear red.”

           “They aren’t the same. So to clarify the plan, you are going forward in time five years—”

           “To this exact spot.”

           “Maybe you should do it on the front porch? Just in case?”

           “Assistant Lyra, what if it is hurricaning outside on that particular day? I would get wet.”

           “We live in Ohio. Not too many Lake Erie hurricanes.”

           “What if it is snowing? Then my beard would get frostbite.”

           “Sir, it’s September second. That thing will take you to September 2, 2025, right? We don’t typically have snow in September.”

           “I think I just have to go from this spot,” Dr. Jerkenstein confirmed. “You have the code for the lab. Feed Reggie every day. I have a collection of frozen meat patties if you are unable to find roadkill.”

           “Wait, Reggie eats ground beef?” Lyra cried.

           “Yes.”

           “Why have I been putting dead deer and raccoons in my car for the last month?”

           “He says they taste better. And I did not want to stink up my car.”

           “You have a car?” Lyra asked in surprise.

           “No.”  

           Lyra caught the joke and rolled her eyes. “You are a horrible boss.”

           “You were free to walk away at any point,” Dr. Jerkenstein reminded her. She nodded. He paid her extremely well, especially since this was a part-time internship. All she had to do was feed Reggie once a day and record what he did while she was down here with him. For that, Lyra received a paycheck larger than if she worked ninety hours as a server at a pizza restaurant. Plus, she got to work with a dinosaur.

           “Okay, so you go forward five years. I take care of Reggie every day. Do I need to keep the place clean? Or will Auto take care of it?”

           “Auto,” the little supped-up Roomba said. It had mechanical limbs and was programmed for maintenance.

           “Auto will take care of it,” Dr. Jerkenstein confirmed.

           “Auto,” the little robot said. Every time someone said its name, it echoed them.

           “And you’ll be right back here in a few seconds?”

           “Actually, I will push the button, and when I return it will be like I never left.” Lyra frowned. That made no sense to her. “Here we go,” Dr. Jerkenstein announced.

           “Wait, now?” Lyra asked.

           “Why not? It’s a time machine.” Dr. Jerkenstein pushed the button.

           All the lights in the room shut off.

           “Hundscheisse,” Dr. Jerkenstein muttered. He wandered over to the wall where the light switch was supposed to be. Cobwebs hung from the ceiling and kept getting in his way. He spat them out and hit the switch.

           Nothing happened.

           What in the world? He tried again, but the lights remained off. Did something happen with the electric payments? Why isn’t that idiot girl here? Lyra was nowhere to be seen. Dr. Jerkenstein walked along the wall to the stairs. He climbed them and made it to the door. The door knob was covered in dust. Dr. Jerkenstein unlocked and opened it.

           Light blinded him. He blinked away the brightness when screaming deafened him. Something grabbed his lab coat and shoved him against a wall.

           “What are you doing in my goddamn house, asshole? Answer me?”

           “Your house?” Dr. Jerkenstein asked.

           “Yeah, my house,” the man screamed, spraying Dr. Jerkenstein with spittle. A balding man with wild eyes had ahold of the scientist. Dr. J calmly reached up and wrenched the assailant’s thumb to the side, dislocating it. The man wailed and released Dr. Jerkenstein. The scientist took the offensive and grabbed the man. He cowered and pulled against Dr. Jerkenstein’s iron grip.

           “What year is it?” Dr. Jerkenstein asked. Confusion splashed on the man’s face. “I do not wish to hurt you. I need to know what year it is. Answer the question.”

           “It’s 2070, dude.” Dr. Jerkenstein glared at him, but the man seemed to be telling the truth. The scientist released him.

           “Scheisse.” I went forward fifty years instead of five. The doctor walked through the house to the front. The walls were covered in decorations and furniture filled the once empty space.

           “Hey, wait,” the man yelled. “Where did you come from?”

           Dr. Jerkenstein paused. “When did you get this house?”

           “My mom gave it to me. Well, when we put her in the nursing home, I took it.”

           “Your mother? How did she get this?”

           The man ran a hand over his head. “Well, I think she said that her old boss never came back and since he had no family, she took it. I’ve lived my whole life in here. How did you get in the basement? It’s been locked my whole life.”

           “Your mother,” Dr. Jerkenstein began. “Her name was Lyra?”

           “Yeah, how would you…” A light dawned in the man’s brown eyes. Identical to hers. “Are you the old boss?”

           “You have clearly inherited your mother’s quick intuition.”

           “We all thought she was crazy. She talked about how her boss went forward in time and used to make her take care of his pet dinosaur. We thought she was just making up stories. Wait, if you are from the past, what happens tomorrow?”

           “How in the world would I know? I came to this time by mistake. Why would I ask you the year if it was part of the plan?”

           “I guess that makes sense. Would you like anything to drink? I’ve got water and non-alcoholic vodka.”

           “Vodka.”

           Lyra’s son blinked but rushed into the kitchen. He returned with a glass of water.

           “Boy, take me to your mother. I need to figure out what she has done in my absence.”

           “Um… Mom is dead.”

           “No, you just said that she was in a nursing home. Come, take me there.”

           “No, I said when we put her in the nursing home—my siblings and I—and I took the old place. She died last year, about two months after we put her there.”

           Dr. Jerkenstein sat down on the couch. This wasn’t here yesterday. Clearly I did not just reappear when this was over. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, and instead it was the time machine. On the display screen was fifty instead of five. Well that explains the confusion. Alright, I know where Assistant Lyra is. I need to find Reggie.

           “Are there lights for the basement?” Dr. Jerkenstein asked Lyra’s son.

           “No. I could never get in there, so I just cut the power to it.”

           Dr. Jerkenstein shook his head. Of course you did. He rose and held out his hand. “Flashlight.”

           “I don’t have one. How about I just use my phone.” He shook his phone, and a flashlight lit up.

           Fifty years, and they are still using cell phones. Is that the pinnacle of human innovation? Dr. Jerkenstein followed Lyra’s son into the basement. Dust and cobwebs filled the space. Remnants of his lab were covered with sheets and scattered about. Dr. Jerkenstein went to Reggie’s cage. It was empty. Dr. Jerkenstein stepped inside and held one of Reggie’s blackened feathers.

           “Where is Reggie?” he whispered. This boy seems to think Reggie was just a fairy tale. Lyra is gone. I must not have made the difference I wanted. He looked around the buried lab. No, by leaving the time stream, I must have basically died, and no one carried on my work. I need to branch out and make myself known.

           “I think it’s time I went home,” he said, mostly to himself. “There’s work to do.”

           He pushed the return button on the calculator time machine.

           The room brightened, and a giant reptile squawked in his face. He jumped back as Reggie tried to nip his nose.

           “You moved,” Lyra exclaimed. “Is that thing actually a teleporter?”

           “No, it has served its purpose. Going forward in time will do me no more good. Come to the lab immediately.” He hung up the computer call.

           Fifteen minutes later, the front door opened.

           “Hello, Auto,” Lyra said to the tiny robot.

           “Auto,” it replied.

           Dr. Jerkenstein cleared his throat. Lyra looked up with wide, surprised eyes. Dr. Jerkenstein extended his hand. She shook it. He smiled and said, “It’s time we got to work.”