The Top Ten Ways to Meat Men

10. We met in a bar on his third whiskey. He looked out of place and seemed to be from out of town. I don’t even remember his name. He was tall and skinny, to the point where I had a feeling that he hadn’t eaten a vegetable in weeks, and his face was unpleasant, twisted into a permanent frown. We ended up in the back of my car because I couldn’t find his. I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing...he was my first one. He stained the seat. That was the first time I tried going raw, I felt sick to my stomach for days afterwards. 

9. He was a business major at the community college. His name was Chad or something basic like that. I’d seen him at several college parties standing alone in the corner. He was just a tad overweight and very sweet, but he had quite a lot of family drama. I got calls from his mother for weeks after it was over, begging me to take him back. He cried a lot. I kept his sweatshirt. The whole thing was really much more complicated than it needed to be, he almost wasn’t worth all the trouble. 

8. Jason was a baseball player. He was fairly attractive and always smelled nice. I went to all of his games, but he never seemed to appreciate my efforts. He really wasn’t very good at baseball, and his teammates seemed to hate him, which was fair...he was a little too tough. This one was messy, and it ended with quite the fight. The bruises on my arm and neck are still slightly visible. I shouldn’t have let him keep his baseball bat in my apartment. It ended up in a nearby river. 

7. Greg was a musician and an avid smoker. He was in a band that played at a bar I frequented. He was lazy, not in the charming “let’s lay in bed together all day” way but a “refuse to shower or cooperate with a single dish” kind of lazy. He did not believe in shaving, an aspect of him that grossed me out to my core. I never want to have to pick hair out of my teeth ever again. He wasn’t all bad though, he made an excellent meatloaf. 

6. Daveed was a married man, which I was not aware of when we met--I’m not a monster, I wouldn’t purposely try to ruin a marriage--or else I wouldn’t have bothered. We met in an empty lot, he worked construction. He had his faults like anyone else, like getting into cars with single women, but I was rather fond of him. He was lovely. He told me how much he loved his wife, it truly was a beautiful moment, and he was very tender. The police found some of his bones in a local forest, they think the wife did it. 

5. Titus is a survivor. We met off a hiking trail several miles into the forest. He was on a hike with his brother, Thomas, when they stumbled across my little archeology site. I never got a good look at his face, but I’m pretty sure he’d memorized every detail of mine. I figured he wouldn’t get very far without a large portion of his left leg, but we all make mistakes I suppose. I was usually pretty lucky, as witnesses were not a common occurrence for me, so I didn’t even think to go after him. In hindsight, I probably should’ve. His brother tasted better anyway. 

4. Thomas was an avid hiker and a much slower runner than Titus. He was a smaller man, a little shorter than my favorite red duffle bag, with a surprising soft skull. He had some muscle, but not enough to be an issue.

3. Shaun was a local celebrity, like a news anchor or something. It was clear he would do anything to be worshipped, as it took almost no convincing to get him alone after I told him I was a fan. At the time, he was working on a breakthrough story about the strange deaths and disappearances of some local men. It’s a shame he never got to finish it. The police sketch of my face was borderline insulting. 

2. Richard was a police officer. We met inside of my apartment, which was certainly a surprise to me. He was very inquisitive but not friendly in the slightest. He must’ve been a kinky bastard, as he was insistent on handcuffing me. I’ve personally never been a fan of men who don’t believe in consent. The pocket knife I carried with me slid into his chest with ease, like stabbing a slab of warm butter. The carving process was even easier. The meat slid off his bones, a sensation similar to scissors gliding through wrapping paper. I seasoned him with a dry rub--a special combination of salt, pepper, and cayenne--and grilled a few select cuts for about five minutes...my favorite way to cook a man. The biggest issue with this dish is that it’s time consuming, as I only got to enjoy a few bites before Richard’s friends crashed my dinner party. 

1. Carlo was a prisoner at a correctional facility. I met him through the fence that separated the men from the women. He sold me a contraband nail file for a pack of cigarettes. Carlo was not very intelligent. It was no knife, but the sharpened toothbrush pierced his neck with just about as much ease. I thought I’d never bother with raw meat again, but I hadn’t had a decent meal in ten years. Prison food is truly disgusting, overcooked beef should be a crime on its own. I managed to take several chunks out of his arm before I was dragged away, but it was so worth it. He was tasty, but he wasn’t the last meal I envisioned for myself as Titus took the stand and spoiled my cookbook plans. It worked out though, I got the death penalty, and the only cooking method I hadn’t tried yet was frying. I hope they season me correctly.